Backup, Rebound, or is it Real Love?

[Decipleoflove]

Hi,

 

i'm dealing with some difficult times now that i want to talk about.

 

short version:

i started to like this girl, she and i work at the same company for several years, she flirts with me pretty obviously. I flirted back but not too much. She goes hot and cold and give of the mixed signals vibe, maybe because i was blowing hot and cold towards her aswell. She goes into really caring mode one day when i felt really sad and having a difficult time because of

some personal stuff in my life. She gave me a caring warm greet, and we had a intimate eyecontact, the one that a casual person would not give to another person if she was not interested in being more that a friend or aquintance. I was planning to give this a real chance, ask her number oneday and take her out. I dreamt of being with her and being in love with her. I slowly but surely fell in love for her. And i think she has a crush on me. Because in my simple mind, she was the one that initated the most of this.

 

Then oneday i found out she had an affair with a coworker. And they are in a relationship now for 3-4 months. I heard they both cheated on their significant other. But she gave all these signs while being in a relationship with this other guy. I felt heartbroken, and in intense pain. Couldnt believe all this. Feeling confused of what to do.

 

Right now i fought against this and want(ed) out. I managed get rid of the pain by ignoring and avoiding her as much as i can. She sometimes tries to get into some kind of contact with me, but i dont let her. One part still likes her, one part don't (because of i dont know if i could trust a person like that). Don't know her real intentions.

 

Should i just walk away and never look back or do i just wait it out (be patient) and see where things will go? Wait till she break up with this guy, and then step in slowly? Confront her, and try to find her real intentions? Confess to her that i fell for her, but that i can not live with the situation of how it is now. Don't want to be anyones backup, rebound guy when love is at stake. It would be different if LOVE was not involved i guess. What would you do?

 

Have you been in the same situation and how turned it out? Is there a happy end to this or is a bad dream that only get worse? Thnx for sharing your thoughts in advance, much appreciated

 

 

Long Version:

 

There is this girl (i call her Angela for the convenience, a small girl with a pretty face, an innocent looking shy pisces girl) at my workplace that i had my eye on for some years now. I find her really cute and attractive, but i didnt really thought she and i would become a couple or anything, and i didnt care to become friends, also i am not fond of having a relationship at my workplace, because all of the issues that goes with it. So, I didn really pay much attention to her. We only say hi once a while when we crosses our paths in the hallway, but everytime its just a friendly kind of way of how we greet. I thought nothing of it, until i began noticing she would flirt with me subtily, like gazing at me, trying to steal glances, "accidentally" bumping to eachother so we would had a chance at looking at eachother and exchanging smiles. I felt nervous around her one day and the next day i was cool and dont really care, she did the same (hot/cold, mixed signals).

 

This went on for weeks and maybe months. There was this nervous tension between us sometimes, i felt it and i am sure she felt it, like she wanted to give me clues that she was really into me, and wanted to let me know that she was interested, and i showed affection back in the big smiles and intense eye contact i gave her, like if she lighted me up

when i saw her. Most of the time i felt she was the one that initiated all this, because i pretty tried my best to not hit on her and even avoid of flirting with her, because i still do not know what her real intentions were/are.

 

Maybe she did all this just for the attention, or because she is trying to use me for her validation that she needed/wanted and she would

like to know that she could get any man she likes. i don't know what to think.one week when all had cooled down and me doing my own thing and not paying attention to her. i was dealing with all kinds of difficult stuff in my life and was prety much in my own head, minding my own business and felt really moody and sad and even angry those few days.

 

This girl "accidentally" walks by and greeted me, we said hi and she said hi back pretty much at the same time, but this time i felt there was something different that i noticed in her way how she greeted, her voice was very soft and caring, as if she felt the same sorrow, sadness i was feeling that day, and tried to see i was ok. As if she could sense i was having a difficult time. We said Hi! to eachother and exchanged smiles while looking deeply into eachothers eyes.

 

The next day, the same thing, once again she happens to walk by "accidentally" so we would cross eachothers paths again. This time she, was even more "weird" than yesterday, i say weird because it had me thinking why she did that, what she did, she looked in my eyes deeply and said hi almost in a broken but sweet soft voice, like she would surrender to me (kind of way). I never felt this way before. That intimate glance was really special to me.

 

I believe in the saying that "Eyes don't lie". And someones true emotions are expressed in their eyes. Or she may be the best actress in the world! No casual girl would give a guy sucha glance if she only likes the guy as a friend or aquintance, would she? That was the first time i really thought she really likes me, maybe even had a crush on me, and was trying to show this to me. That was the day i felt this girl could be "the one", although i never talked to her, i felt the connection. She could be the one

that would have me drop my believe of not having a relationship with workmates. She could be the 'exception'. I was dying to see if we were ment to be, and was planning to ask her number one day and ask her out and see how wonderfull this could become.

 

But all of this changed rapidly after a few days, when i found out from a collegeau during a break, that this co-worker of us had snatched off a girl at our workplace, and that girl was the girl i slowly fell in love of. i was shocked to hear, that they had falling in love with eachother. The story goes (this guy told (or brags to) the collegeaus about it) that Angela and this co-worker were at his house, where they got caught in his bedroom by his long time girlfriend. He didnt expect her to come back so soon, cuz the girlfriend went on a trip but returned sooner than was planned. So when she came back, she caught him cheating with this other girl.

 

I was blown away of hearing this story, and very surprised hearing these two would do such a thing like that, for one, i had the impression that this co-worker was in a very stable and committed relationship with his girlfriend, who he knows (and loved) and had been together for more than 10 year, and two, this girl i like gives off the impression to be very innocent and shy. Didn't believe she would do such a thing like that. I wondered if she knew he had a girlfriend, and if so, would why she still choose to continue this affair. I started to question this person in my mind. The collegeau even told that the co-worker told that Angela was even seeing some other fellow at the time, that she might even be in a

relationship at that time. So, it would mean, they were both cheating.

 

I had this impression that this coworker was in a happy committed relationship with his girlfriend, because i casually talked with himm about their relationship when he and i were working together in the past. I was devastaded finding out this co-worker and the girl i fell in love with had a loveaffair/or still having a loveaffair, while in the meanwhile i had

fallen for this girl. I felt Angela and i had something special together, a non-spoken but special connection, which i can hardly explain. I was willing to give it a real shot (its been a very long while since i was in a real relationship, im really picky (although i like all sorts of woman), i have pretty high standards morally and i like genuine honest people, as i am honest myself), and was in the verge of asking this girl out, and hoping that oneday she would be my girlfriend. I really do felt, this could be reality. But now i feel confused and broken. I even felt betrayed, and stupid for being led on by her innocence, the attention i gave her, while her 'boyfriend' is the one she goes home with.

 

The weekend right after i knew she was having this affair with this coworker of mine, i felt heart broken, i felt immense PAIN and really sad, i had tears in my eyes. It was so intense, that i would give anything in the world to take away this pain. It was 20 years ago that i felt this way over a love, that last time took me years to recover. Knowing that i was

affraid this would agian take me a long time to recover. i told myself to do it better this time. I caught myself, to look on the internet for selfhelp, and trying to find the answers, of what a mess i got myself into. I looked online and read as much as i could about how to deal with such issues, like being the other man, lovetriangles, even looked on find out her

personality traits of her being a pisces etc. I was really determined to understand all of what happened and to find a way out to get rid of this pain, and i'm happy I managed to get rid of the pain for now and i knew how, i knew if i just ignore her and don't have to think of her, the pain would all go away. Because if i continue to see her i would lie to myself and that would be harmfull for me, because i would felt tortured, of knowing i could not have her, i could not bear the thought that some other guy is touching her. It's crazy to be in a situation like this.

 

Its been two weeks now since this happened. Right now i feel okay, but im confused of what to do. I pretty much ignore and try to avoid her as much i can, and she knows this, because the other day i pretty much singled her out by ignoring her while she and another collegeau walked by, and another duo in front of them walked by i greeted the duo but not them, she tried to greet but saw i didnt look at her at all, she had no choice. After that day, she backed off for a few days, but there are times she was still trying to get close to me (like accidentally being in the same place as me or around me). In the meanwhile i picked up that the coworker was planning holidays and he and Angela would be on a trip together in a few weeks and even another trip the next month. This made me think more thorougly about the situation, that they may be for

real, in a serious relationship. This guy (pretty choose to go official) when he told all of his close mates at his workplace about what happened, how he and Angela fell for eachother and how his now ex-gf is wanting to have half of his properties. I never talked with him about his situation. So i have to do with the pieces that i pick up here and there.

 

Do i still like her? one part says i do, and the other part says i don't, i don't know anymore if i could trust a person like that who seemingly is the type who cheats. But i really do feel we have a special connection, and she and i could be very compatible. If curcumstances were different, and not in a mess like this, we would be great together. I would not have

so many second thoughts. I would just go for it. But now things are much more complicated.

 

I thought to myself, i would give this (love) a fair chance if she broke her relationship with this coworker first, but would she break it off with him? I dont think so. Do i just need to be really patient, and wait for her? or shall i just forget all about it and back off and move on?

She might have been trying to test the waters (with me), to see if i was interested in her. And maybe she was not happy with his current relationship or she was missing something in her relationship, and she felt she could find it with me. I even read on the net that a person can be in love with two person at the same time. But isnt it selfish if you trie to

eat from both grapes, while you know its wrong?

 

Tell me, what you think of all this, have you been in the same mess before, is there a chance of a good happy end in this, or is it just a bad dream and will it only get worse? Am i doing the right thing to avoid and ignore her?

Edited April 25, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[whichwayisup]

Try to get over her. It won't be easy because you've let yourself 'fall' for her bit by bit without really knowing her, being her friend or hanging out. You've built her up to be a certain way in your head with lots of romance, possibly lust, basing all of this on stolen glances and hello's at work.

 

She is not available, fact that she and that guy got busted by his gf and they are still together, she's in no mindset to get involved with you.

 

Now, remember too, you are hearing gossip so who knows what exactly is the truth of what happened. Though that doesn't change the fact that you don't know her well and you're basing what you do know about her on her horoscope sign too.

[herself]

See, your first instinct was right not to date coworkers.

Im sorry and think you should start socializing with more girls and have some female friends.

Date a little. Have some fun, dont dwell on problems such as a flaky girl. Keep going, your gonna be ok you learned.

[sumathi]

Such lengthy details about a girl who doesn't deserve it. How can you have feelings for a girl who is in affair with another man and gives you on and off suggestive eye contact? Ignore her, forget her and take her off your life. Your life would be more happy without her. I do not know your age, but what you feel for her is just physical attraction,nothing else. If you get into deep relationship with her, you are bound to be hurt by her. Stay off her!

[A.Moscote]

Some people are very friendly and flirty because it is really their style. It is so easy for us to have a feeling for them. Especially a cute and attractive one. Unluckily for you (and probably dozen other guys) she's not available.

So learn on how to let go of that feeling and hopes. It will be a very valuable lesson that we will use again and again in our life.

 

You don't have to avoid her or suddenly chastise her. Everyone has weakness and makes mistake. She is still your colleague so treat her like how we supposedly treat a colleague. Smile, greet, respect and be helpful to her. Smile, greet, respect and be helpful to every colleague of yours.

 

Be very mindful with our own mind and perception. Your long post comprises mostly of your own views and perceptions. When she crosses you in the hallway, it is always deliberate. So how about when she crosses someone else? Still deliberate?

 

Lastly it is good to know how you view an affair. Be careful however to evade your own spits. This is your test, good luck.

[Darren Steez]

Not to be mean OP but you wrote all that for a woman who has a man but is also engaged in an affair but is also flirting with you.

 

Is that the kind of person you really want in your life?

[P1nginLOVE]

Tell me, what you think of all this, have you been in the same mess before, is there a chance of a good happy end in this, or is it just a bad dream and will it only get worse? Am i doing the right thing to avoid and ignore her?

 

Yes you are doing the right thing by avoiding her.

Get a nicer girl.

Like me.

LoL.

Sorry if it was a bad joke...couldn't help it. Your post is so genuine n cute.

[Decipleoflove]

First of all thank you all for your replies, it helped to see things in perspective

 

I'm in my 30's and the girl is in her mid/late twenties, i dont know her exact age.

 

I'm not a religious person, but i do believe there is more between heaven and earth. I am open minded to the unknown, and that there is more that meets the eye.

 

I appreciate everyones oppinion and advise of how to deal with this issue.

What i am aware of, is that each person that replies with advise has their own perception of the story i wrote, some of them are looking at it more like BLACK or WHITE (She is not available, so move on, forget about her, she aint worth it). While others are more open to the other different shades of GREY. I am gathering all these points of view and advises so i can make a more thorough decision of what to do next (time) in my future.

 

If i'm mad and negative i tend to see it more as BLACK and WHITE myself, but when i'm more relaxed and sober or even happy, i would look at this as more GREYISH. I don't believe the other person (this girl) is that BLACK and WHITE herself. She is a human being with all its flaws and imperfections, just like everyone of us. So when i'm more like that i would tend to give her a second chance/look. I can be very judgemental like many of us, which could be bad, especially if it turns out i was wrong. It would be a shame if you judged people wrongly, and lose a friend or a lover over it.

 

I think i'm learning to understand the difference between Love acted upon by Logic versus Love acted upon by Emotion. (sorry if this is unclear, because english is not my main language )

Maybe i need to open en new thread to discus this topic, because i think it's makes a topic for a pretty good debate.

 

It would help me understand your point of view if you would answer some of these if you give your opinion:

 

1- Do you tend to act on Logic or more on Emotion (actions versus feelings/Mind vs Heart)

2- Do you believe in Real LOVE, soulmates & instant attraction (not only sexually)?

3- Have you been in the same boat before? What did you do?

4- Were you the OM/OW?

5- Have you every cheated before? Or were you cheated?

6- Do you view things more Black and White or do you also allow different shades of GREY?

Edited April 27, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

Now, remember too, you are hearing gossip so who knows what exactly is the truth of what happened. Though that doesn't change the fact that you don't know her well and you're basing what you do know about her on her horoscope sign too.

 

 

It fascinates me how accurate these ancient knowledge of Astrology are sometimes. There are so many people around the world with all their different personalities, yet astrology managed to describe all these traits of each sign so accurately. If you have dived into this matter before, you will know that astrology is not as simple as one might think, yes there are 12 signs in de Zodiac which is defined by ones day of birth, but each and everyone has also an hour of birth, which determines the Ascendant of a person. The Ascendant is the personality that ones sees when they meet you and thats also how you are perceived by others. This makes 12 x 12 = 144 different personality profiles alone. Besides sun sign, and ascendant, there are many more aspect to look for, like what is your moon sign, mars sign, venus sign etc.

 

I do not take every word of it though, but i have tested it in practice. To see, for example why some of my collegeaus are that rude, badmouthing others, jerks and ego centric, or why my personality sometimes clashes with theirs. I also check it with my family members to see if these traits are accurate for them. And i must say that i find it rather amusing that it's pretty much accurate.

 

Being a capricorn myself (with Acendant Gemini) i am a very logical guy, very analytical, like to analyse all details (perhaps even too much), knowing the pro's en con's before taking a step, i'm reserved but i can be outgoing and open aswell with the right people, and honesty is very important to me. She is the opposite, as a pisces she is said to be a person who more acts/reacts on emotions, how she feels, what emotions she picks up in her environment, and all the people around them effects their emotion. Pisces are said to be very emphathetic to others, and sometimes physic for knowing others peoples intentions and thoughts without communication.

She is undesisive, and tends to like to live in a fantasy world, daydreaming about romance. the knight in shining armor coming to rescue her. I have a pisces mother who is also very undesisive, can't make up her mind, forever changing opinions and don't like to be forced into making a choice.

 

If what they say about pisces girls were the truth, that would explain why our non-verbal connection seems to be that 'special', and why she acted that 'weird' that day when i felt sad and unhappy when she walked by (see sensed my mood) and said hi and had this weird eye contact with me. maybe its all BS, and it's all in my head lol but what if that is the truth?

 

There are many more possibilities for why she acted the way she acted and why she does all these things that had me question her intentions like i described above.

 

It's like dealing with a puzzle, that needs to be solved, a mystery that needs to be unrafled. It makes life more interesting that way, although with its downside/risk of becoming a emotional wreck for days.

 

 

What am i affraid off?:

A- she is using me to try to make her boyfriend (coworker) jealous

B- She is using me for her ego (that man fancy her)

C- Once a cheater alway a cheater? Do what she did, could happen to me oneday.

D- Being perceived as a "homewrecker"/"lying scum that tricked her for leaving her current BF. Only if i walk that way, which i won't but i am still able to choose. It's always an option. I've never been on the Dark side.

E- getting hurt (i know how heartbreak felt, and its awfull)

 

IF its:

A- i will hate her and don't want to do anything with her

B- Still hate her, but will forgive her, she must have no life if thats her reason for doing that

C- Sorry for her, Karma must be getting her, dont want to be in her shoes. However if she is weak and cant help herself, and has no choice. I dont know, she might get the benefit of the doubt.

D- Thats a horrible person to be. I want to avoid being that guy. So the only way to avoind being that guy is to be honest at all times, no matter what the consequences.

E- i'm willing to take risks for love, so i know its part of the deal, there is no sure thing. Though, Yes, there is, we all die oneday.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

See, your first instinct was right not to date coworkers.

Im sorry and think you should start socializing with more girls and have some female friends.

Date a little. Have some fun, dont dwell on problems such as a flaky girl. Keep going, your gonna be ok you learned.

 

 

i do socialize with other girls (maybe not many, but i do have options), i'm good with flirting, and have control with whoem i flirt and with whoem i dont want to flirt. I think this is good advice, there might be other better girls around that i haven't gave a chance yet (that i need to pursue more) because of my own insecurities.

Just hope i would feel the same REAL LOVE (or better) again.

[Decipleoflove]

Such lengthy details about a girl who doesn't deserve it. How can you have feelings for a girl who is in affair with another man and gives you on and off suggestive eye contact? Ignore her, forget her and take her off your life. Your life would be more happy without her. I do not know your age, but what you feel for her is just physical attraction,nothing else. If you get into deep relationship with her, you are bound to be hurt by her. Stay off her!

 

I know now how i tricked myself in falling for her (its dumb and yet it felt natural, it fits me), because i slowly but surely became more involved in the attraction game with her, and find myself invested in her, by fantasying about her and wanted to understand who she is by looking at her personality traits based on astrology and from what i perceived from her. Yes, i made the mistake of painting the perfect picture with her in it. But my head was already in the clouds, and i planned to really ask her number and take her out.

 

Little do i knew she was already in a affair with this coworker. (Thats why my Heart hurted so BAD after finding out) So i don't know if She knew that I did not knew she and this coworker were in an affair turned into a relationship. She might thought everyone in the company already knew (because of the bragging intentions of this coworker?, although the coworker had no choice if the EXGF left him cause he caught him in the act, which is evident).

 

To me it matters more whether theu are truly in LOVE. I don't know if He really loves her, or if she really loves him, or it is only lust, and physical attraction.

 

There is a possibility that the affair was/is only 4fun. But we don't know what exactly happened. So if its not real Love, she would leave him eventually.

 

Another possibility is that the ExGF of the coworker is trying to get back into a relationship with the coworker, or he is not really over her exgf yet. if this EXGF is still being around the coworker, and Angela knows this, that makes her uncomfortable and question the coworker of his attention with her. So maybe that's why she looked further already and tested the waters (with me), to see if i was interested in her. She doesn't know if i realy like her, well she does, but not 100% certain, and that she is kind of woman that doesn't leave her current relationship before she is sure she is in another relationship first. This could be a repeating pattern in her life. If she is that kind of person, who doesn't want to be alone,and is scared of it. That would be difficult for me to ever see myself with her as a couple, because i don't go into a relationship if she is already in one herself. Don't want to be the other man, rather be Her MAN only.

 

Based on the character of the coworker (my perception), i am almost sure that he is the one who went after Angela, and was the one who talked her into this affair. Cause he is the more aggressive one, more assertive, always has something to say type of guy who would charme the girl in an affair. Im not saying Angela is a saint and she is a victim, because it takes two to Tango right? Im only saying she is more passive and undecisive, and if a Man comes along who sweeps her of her feet she would be easier to fall for him and his adventure. So if that was the case, she might want to get out of it, because the love is over, but she is affraid to hurt him by leaving him. So doesn't confront him but rather use other subtile things to get the message accross. One of the way could be to make her boyfriend end the relationship himself. By being involve in another relationship....thats cowardly way to do so, but some people tend to prefert this way, because they are that weak.

 

Maybe oneday i will know what the real truth is.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

Some people are very friendly and flirty because it is really their style. It is so easy for us to have a feeling for them. Especially a cute and attractive one. Unluckily for you (and probably dozen other guys) she's not available.

So learn on how to let go of that feeling and hopes. It will be a very valuable lesson that we will use again and again in our life.

 

You don't have to avoid her or suddenly chastise her. Everyone has weakness and makes mistake. She is still your colleague so treat her like how we supposedly treat a colleague. Smile, greet, respect and be helpful to her. Smile, greet, respect and be helpful to every colleague of yours.

 

Be very mindful with our own mind and perception. Your long post comprises mostly of your own views and perceptions. When she crosses you in the hallway, it is always deliberate. So how about when she crosses someone else? Still deliberate?

 

Lastly it is good to know how you view an affair. Be careful however to evade your own spits. This is your test, good luck.

 

I do think she is naturally kind, and friendly, maybe even flirty, although i haven't saw her flirting with other guys, bet she do though. But i can't believe she would act that "weird", two days in a row, when i felt sad and unhappy those days. As if (i know it sounds crazy) she tried to get me to have a affair with her.

 

Yes she is my colleague but I'm not working WITH her really, she is in another shift, same as his boyfriend the coworker. The reason why i say, as you say it 'my perception of" her being the one initiating the contacts (glanzes, greets, flirting) most of time, is because she knows i would always cross this path down the hallway from A to B when we overlap our shifts for a bit. there is only one way to my workplace and always around the same time. For me its obvious, when she happens to 'accidentally' cross my path or being around that area doing something. I Don't believe in coincidences that much. If action, words (voice) + eye contact, body language are combined thats what made me conclude she wanted the attention and gave me green light to make my next move on her.

 

About her availability, yes 'normal' (old fashioned -like myself) people tend to think when some one is in a relationship they are not available. But i read all over this board and online everywhere people having affairs with others, like its the new norm or something. It's as if its suddenly COOL to have an affair, or having multiple relationships at the same time. It didnt prevent Angela and coworker to having affair themselves, while they were not officially 'available' themselves.

 

Avoiding her is for my own protection. Its hard to keep acting as if nothing happened and you don't care and it had not effected you. Seeing her would probably bring up the feelings/emotions back again, which would feels as torture, every time i see she is with that other guy. But i think i will try to act normal around her in near future. Just want to learn how to deal with this properly. I am strong enough not to engage in an affair. If i do, i have chosen it wholeheartedly and not by accident.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

Not to be mean OP but you wrote all that for a woman who has a man but is also engaged in an affair but is also flirting with you.

 

Is that the kind of person you really want in your life?

 

I don't mind a bit that you wrote that

I ask myself that same question many times in my mind.

 

Real answer is MAYBE. Fact is, i dont really know her, and what's the truth of their affair. So maybe i have to try to find out or walk away and dont even bother anymore (if i can).

[Decipleoflove]

Yes you are doing the right thing by avoiding her.

Get a nicer girl.

Like me.

LoL.

Sorry if it was a bad joke...couldn't help it. Your post is so genuine n cute.

 

LoL i appreciate a joke now and then especially bold ones. I do like genuine people. Can't help it if i come of as cute...

 

RU flirting with me?

[P1nginLOVE]

I quoted some of ur lines...

Whenever i think he can never be min, my MM, i feel heart broken, i felt immense PAIN and really sad, i have tears in my eyes.

It is always so intense, that i would give anything in the world to take away this pain. It was 3 years ago that i felt this way over a love, that last time took me years to recover. Knowing that i was

affraid this would agian take me a long time to recover. i told myself to do it better this time. I caught myself, to look on the internet for selfhelp, and trying to find the answers, of what a mess i got myself into. I looked online and read as much as i could about how to deal with such issues, like being the other woman, lovetriangles, even looked on find out him

personality traits of him being a Tau*** etc. I was really determined to understand all of what happened and to find a way out to get rid of this pain

---am on the same boat

 

 

I thought to myself, i would give this (love) a fair chanc

---I did, we had 3D-days

 

And maybe she was not happy with his current relationship or she was missing something in her relationship, and she felt she could find it with me.

---That's what I'm thinking too...and he is unhappy and bored.

 

 

I even read on the net that a person can be in love with two person at the same time. But isnt it selfish if you trie to

eat from both grapes, while you know its wrong?

---Definitely...this is why though I love him, I refuse to be blinded... Selfish people love no one other than themselves.

 

 

You seem to be a nice guy I'm in my early 30s too.

Petite.

Lovable.

People say im attractive. Mmm...

Hahahaha.

LOL

I'm joking...just tired of my current situation.

Hiqss

[Decipleoflove]

I quoted some of ur lines...

Whenever i think he can never be min, my MM, i feel heart broken, i felt immense PAIN and really sad, i have tears in my eyes.

It is always so intense, that i would give anything in the world to take away this pain. It was 3 years ago that i felt this way over a love, that last time took me years to recover. Knowing that i was

affraid this would agian take me a long time to recover. i told myself to do it better this time. I caught myself, to look on the internet for selfhelp, and trying to find the answers, of what a mess i got myself into. I looked online and read as much as i could about how to deal with such issues, like being the other woman, lovetriangles, even looked on find out him

personality traits of him being a Tau*** etc. I was really determined to understand all of what happened and to find a way out to get rid of this pain

---am on the same boat

 

 

I thought to myself, i would give this (love) a fair chanc

---I did, we had 3D-days

 

And maybe she was not happy with his current relationship or she was missing something in her relationship, and she felt she could find it with me.

---That's what I'm thinking too...and he is unhappy and bored.

 

 

I even read on the net that a person can be in love with two person at the same time. But isnt it selfish if you trie to

eat from both grapes, while you know its wrong?

---Definitely...this is why though I love him, I refuse to be blinded... Selfish people love no one other than themselves.

 

 

You seem to be a nice guy I'm in my early 30s too.

Petite.

Lovable.

People say im attractive. Mmm...

Hahahaha.

LOL

I'm joking...just tired of my current situation.

Hiqss

 

i had to smile when i read you quoted some of my lines and altered it to your situation

 

It incited my curiosity to read more about your story, which i did. Hope you don't mind.

 

i think you are on the right track, you been true to yourself that you've confessed that you've been wrong and you felt guilt, but its not entirely your fault, the biggest fault if the MM, he is the one that persisted while he was still married, You finally gave in. He conquered another woman. What a honourable Knight is that. He is not White Knight that saved you. You are right, that he is a selfish person, that only cares about himself. My crush is also a bit selfish herself. I guess she thinks she has done nothing wrong and is still entirely innocent, but that's not the truth. She is not in the right place to judge objectively. The biggest blame is on myself. Just need to learn from it, and be wiser next time.

 

Cutting all contact with your MM is the right thing to do, if you ever want your life back.

 

I think you know it yourself, that you need to be more disciplined (i can help you with that if you like lol), i know its very hard but that's because you still have contact with him. Doesn't if feel like torture to you when you let that happen? It sure does for me. It angers me if i think about that and let it happen. Don't know about you, but it makes me want to punish myself. And it makes me more determined to get over her and the whole situation. I am more worth than that, you/i deserve better, he or she did not deserve so much love from us. If they really cared and loved you deeply, they should let you go because they are already attached in a relationship.

 

If i am the male version of you? hahah i dont know, we seem to think alike, so perhaps lol, whats your zodiac sign? You seems to be a very nice girl yourself. I think we nice people tend to get in to these troubles all the time haha.

 

Oh boy... tomorrow another workingday, got to be strong and keep avoiding her (hope she doesn't show up 'accidentally') to ease my mind

[P1nginLOVE]

i had to smile when i read you quoted some of my lines and altered it to your situation

 

Thanks! It was sooo similar...except for the gender and years!

 

It incited my curiosity to read more about your story, which i did. Hope you don't mind.

 

Not at all...

 

i think you are on the right track, you been true to yourself that you've confessed that you've been wrong and you felt guilt, but its not entirely your fault, the biggest fault if the MM, he is the one that persisted while he was still married, You finally gave in. He conquered another woman. What a honourable Knight is that. He is not White Knight that saved you. You are right, that he is a selfish person, that only cares about himself. My crush is also a bit selfish herself. I guess she thinks she has done nothing wrong and is still entirely innocent, but that's not the truth. She is not in the right place to judge objectively. The biggest blame is on myself. Just need to learn from it, and be wiser next time.

 

I think...the biggest blame is on me because I let him in...I let him win. I opened my heart. I wasn't that strong. I just don't get it. I am attractive, so they say, but I wasn't thinking about having a relationship yet alone be in love (and again, with a married man!), until he showed up and showered me with attention, his musical records, praises, etc... Yes, I was able to responded with a friendly manner for 9 months, but who cares? The fact was, I finally gave in.

I think your crush and he are people with BIG EGO and confidence and they flash their beauty around to trap others (for their own pleasure) without caring about the damages they've made.

 

 

Cutting all contact with your MM is the right thing to do, if you ever want your life back.

It is...but it can be really hard at times!

We resumed our A like 4 weeks ago...a week after I broke NC...

But this time, I always tell him I'm leaving him as soon as I get a guy.

He doubts it because he knows my nature. I can only kiss the guy I love.

And as he's married, I don't give him sex that often...(less than 5 times).

I've been in this roller coaster game for almost 10 months now. ;(

If he were not married, I'd probably jump on him 2x a day! lol

 

 

I think you know it yourself, that you need to be more disciplined (i can help you with that if you like lol), i know its very hard but that's because you still have contact with him. Doesn't if feel like torture to you when you let that happen? It sure does for me. It angers me if i think about that and let it happen. Don't know about you, but it makes me want to punish myself. And it makes me more determined to get over her and the whole situation. I am more worth than that, you/i deserve better, he or she did not deserve so much love from us. If they really cared and loved you deeply, they should let you go because they are already attached in a relationship.

 

It is indeed a torment. Are you a mind reader?

How do you punish yourself?

I don't punish myself...

I just say to myself (sometimes, not all the time, I'm NOT crazy, lol) "Are you stupid? What can you expect from a cheating guy? Why would you want to ruin a woamn's happiness? Do you really want to have a MM in your life and eat his crumbs?"

He did let me go every time I left him.

He didn't want to hurt me, he said.

The 1st time we broke up, he broke the NC.

But our 2nd and last, I broke NC.

 

If i am the male version of you? hahah i dont know, we seem to think alike, so perhaps lol, whats your zodiac sign? You seems to be a very nice girl yourself. I think we nice people tend to get in to these troubles all the time haha.

We do think alike and English is not my mother tongue either!

I'm capri

I'm nice and simple...but I guess it's more because I'm visually attractive that's why many guys can easily like me.

My stupidity was to choose him, not the others.

Maybe because he's the best seducer compared to others?

 

 

Oh boy... tomorrow another workingday, got to be strong and keep avoiding her (hope she doesn't show up 'accidentally') to ease my mind

Be strong!

Don't give in!

Btw, I haven't spoken to him at all today.

I hope you can too.

[A.Moscote]

...But i read all over this board and online everywhere people having affairs with others, like its the new norm or something. It's as if its suddenly COOL to have an affair, or having multiple relationships at the same time...

 

It's true, it's a norm, many people are involve in affairs. However looking at the thread list here, many of them also want to get out of it, and are admitting that it is detrimental on so many aspects. Of course there are others who are happily living an affair, fortunate for them.

In the end, it's on our own decision and conscience to be involve or not.

 

I'm sure you will also say it is UNCOOL to deceive and manipulate other, to put our own satisfaction above other values.

 

Be strong and patience, both of you, Disciple & P1ngin. Take things slowly, eventually you'll find the love you and your future deserve.

[P1nginLOVE]

It's true, it's a norm, many people are involve in affairs. However looking at the thread list here, many of them also want to get out of it, and are admitting that it is detrimental on so many aspects. Of course there are others who are happily living an affair, fortunate for them.

In the end, it's on our own decision and conscience to be involve or not.

 

I'm sure you will also say it is UNCOOL to deceive and manipulate other, to put our own satisfaction above other values.

 

Be strong and patience, both of you, Disciple & P1ngin. Take things slowly, eventually you'll find the love you and your future deserve.

 

Thank you..

Yup...am trying to stop this mess and retreat...

Hoping I would find peace and am able to sort things out.

I'm not on the look...just trying to erase his vivid image in my head.

I have been hurting him verbally, to push him away...hope it works this time!

[Decipleoflove]

It is indeed a torment. Are you a mind reader?

 

Yes , i mean NOoo haha! if i were, i wouldn't be in this crazy situation lol. I would have read the minds of that girl and the co-worker, and than i would know the real truth.

ohwell maybe i am a little bit, i seem to have keen senses.

 

How do you punish yourself?

I don't punish myself..

 

well, maybe it sounds crazy, when I let myself feel the anger, pain, the jealousy, moodyness, sadness and choose to pretty much soak/dwell on it! rather than going out doing fun stuff - i choose to Hold myself back, not doing fun stuff, not joking around, not meeting people, and not lookin at hot woman hahah (ignore their presence), and no flirting! lol, now thats pretty much my own personal punishment to name a few. I believe in order to grow and to push yourself to the next level, you need to know exactly what that pain felt like, and what the root of the pain is, so your desire of overcoming this pain becomes so high that you become more determined and disciplined to get rid of it. Than you look at what you need to do to take that pain away, and keep on doing what you need to do, untill your goal has been achieved. At least that works for me pretty often. And when you finally reached your goal, WoooW! Welldone! Pad yourself, You'll feel so proud of what you have accomplished and the joy, the feelings of having freed from your burdens (demons), those feelings are amazing! lol

 

I guess some other people tend to do the opposite, they spoil themselves, they go out having more fun to get their mind on other things, so they won't have to deal with their problems, I dunno if that works in the end. Short term it will, but longterm....., i have my doubts. Maybe i'm too harsh to myself. A typical Capricorn trait perhaps? Must be Saturn doing this to me! arrghh haha

 

I just say to myself (sometimes, not all the time, I'm NOT crazy, lol) "Are you stupid? What can you expect from a cheating guy? Why would you want to ruin a woamn's happiness? Do you really want to have a MM in your life and eat his crumbs?"

 

Sometimes, we really need to listen to that innervoice telling/screaming at us to prevent us from doing stupid/unwise things. But we are all human and we make mistakes. I bet in a moment of weaknes, we can let go. (like Fck it! im gonna let myself do what ever i want/or surrender).

 

I think your crush and he are people with BIG EGO and confidence and they flash their beauty around to trap others (for their own pleasure) without caring about the damages they've made.

 

I dont know your MM, but yeah i tend to think he is. he is CEO right? so he must have a BIG EGO, and maybe he is used to get his way (at his work, because he has the power being the leader) my crush, i dont know ... she is not that confident...she looks very shy, act shy....has a normal labor/job. i tend to think she is more weak, easily talked into something, and bit naive, dreamy. Maybe you're right that they use their beauty for dishonest/unloyal purposes. Why? Because they can get away with it, and probably have no regrets.

 

It is...but it can be really hard at times!

We resumed our A like 4 weeks ago...a week after I broke NC...

 

Oh no!

 

But this time, I always tell him I'm leaving him as soon as I get a guy.

 

Thats is a good cure indeed. Been thinking about to do the same...minus 'guy'...exchange it with 'girl' haha. Be carefull, you pick the right one this time.

 

And as he's married, I don't give him sex that often...(less than 5 times).

I've been in this roller coaster game for almost 10 months now. ;(

If he were not married, I'd probably jump on him 2x a day! lol

 

Really? You make such bold confessions hahah ....nothing wrong about it though...but do it with the right guy ...someone who is single...it would be paradise lol haha

 

We do think alike and English is not my mother tongue either!

I'm capri

I'm nice and simple...but I guess it's more because I'm visually attractive that's why many guys can easily like me.

My stupidity was to choose him, not the others.

Maybe because he's the best seducer compared to others?

 

i think i read you were born in december, but i doubted if you were a capri or a sagitarius, but because i noticed we do think i like, i thought (and hoped) you were a capri lol....im from january btw. being visually attractive....offcourse people would like you more (or is it lust?)...but there are many visually attractive people with horrible (bitchy) characters, they are less likable.

 

Quote:

Oh boy... tomorrow another workingday, got to be strong and keep avoiding her (hope she doesn't show up 'accidentally') to ease my mind

Be strong!

Don't give in!

Btw, I haven't spoken to him at all today.

I hope you can too.

 

You did better than me! keep being disciplined.

 

i saw her today...WTH?!...i tried to avoid her, i really did. but there she was in the hallway! what a coincidence! We crossed eachothers pathes again. Tried to act natural. We exchanged eyes, didn't want to but we kinda came from side directions (she left, me right) so it was impossible to avoid her. Our eyes met because otherwise we would bump to eachother, so had to slow down and stop and bypass her ( i thought Sh*T! there we go) she put on a smile,....gave her a baby smile back, and walked off at same normal pace. At the way out, shaking my head.

Has she some kind of radar with her? that she knows when im around and when i leave the place? crazy! just a pathetic 'game' lol

 

I dont know...maybe its good this way..or not? . I can get to act normal around here oneday. biting my fingerssss

[P1nginLOVE]

well, maybe it sounds crazy, when I let myself feel the anger, pain, the jealousy, moodyness, sadness and choose to pretty much soak/dwell on it! rather than going out doing fun stuff - i choose to Hold myself back, not doing fun stuff, not joking around, not meeting people, and not lookin at hot woman hahah (ignore their presence), and no flirting! lol, now thats pretty much my own personal punishment to name a few. I believe in order to grow and to push yourself to the next level, you need to know exactly what that pain felt like, and what the root of the pain is, so your desire of overcoming this pain becomes so high that you become more determined and disciplined to get rid of it. Than you look at what you need to do to take that pain away, and keep on doing what you need to do, untill your goal has been achieved. At least that works for me pretty often. And when you finally reached your goal, WoooW! Welldone! Pad yourself, You'll feel so proud of what you have accomplished and the joy, the feelings of having freed from your burdens (demons), those feelings are amazing! lol

 

I guess some other people tend to do the opposite, they spoil themselves, they go out having more fun to get their mind on other things, so they won't have to deal with their problems, I dunno if that works in the end. Short term it will, but longterm....., i have my doubts. Maybe i'm too harsh to myself. A typical Capricorn trait perhaps? Must be Saturn doing this to me! arrghh haha

 

I'm Capri! I don't recall that I ever mentioned here that I was born in Dec, but I indeed was .

I'm asian, not surprised if you are too, lol ;p

 

I guess I did and still am punishing myself by working day and night.

Just remembered that there were some days where I lost my appetite and refused to eat.

 

 

i saw her today...WTH?!...i tried to avoid her, i really did. but there she was in the hallway! what a coincidence! We crossed eachothers pathes again. Tried to act natural. We exchanged eyes, didn't want to but we kinda came from side directions (she left, me right) so it was impossible to avoid her. Our eyes met because otherwise we would bump to eachother, so had to slow down and stop and bypass her ( i thought Sh*T! there we go) she put on a smile,....gave her a baby smile back, and walked off at same normal pace. At the way out, shaking my head.

 

Hahaha...I could visualize it.

Another day is another battle...

Happy that I'm not working for him and had completed the project that he paid me to do

 

Be courageous today and start flirting, DL (Disciple of Love!!)

[Decipleoflove]

It's true, it's a norm, many people are involve in affairs. However looking at the thread list here, many of them also want to get out of it, and are admitting that it is detrimental on so many aspects. Of course there are others who are happily living an affair, fortunate for them.

In the end, it's on our own decision and conscience to be involve or not.

 

I'm sure you will also say it is UNCOOL to deceive and manipulate other, to put our own satisfaction above other values.

 

Be strong and patience, both of you, Disciple & P1ngin. Take things slowly, eventually you'll find the love you and your future deserve.

 

Thanks Moscote! i can't imagine myself being one of them in this lifetime, no matter how COOL the whole world think it is! I don't think i can share a woman with another man if i really love her. If i could, then it probably means i don't really love her, maybe it would be only a feeling of a friendship with benifits. If couples have mutual agreement to hook up with another person, than thats okay, both are happy with it, nobody gets hurt.

 

But these Affairs are different, its always behind the back of one person, and the other person is (sucked) seduced into it, without knowing there is a 3rd party. I think these affairs should be Banned! If you don't love your man/woman anymore and the other thinks everything is fine, just END IT! TELL THEM, why can't you be honest? why keep on living in a lie? Break up, divorce, or just leave....before you even decide to finding another person to love. Stop being so godd*mn Selfish!! Make up your mind.

 

I understand now why people get killed or kill themselves in the name of love. I don't know which people are more dangerous. People who think logically or people who 'think' with their emotions? We need more well balanced people in this world.

 

I just want to feel numb right now :s why do i even care.....

Edited April 30, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

I'm Capri! I don't recall that I ever mentioned here that I was born in Dec, but I indeed was .[

i told you i have keen senses

 

I'm asian, not surprised if you are too, lol ;p

haha, what makes you think that? i think you are a mind reader yourself!

 

I guess I did and still am punishing myself by working day and night.

You are a real Capri

 

Just remembered that there were some days where I lost my appetite and refused to eat.

i did too! because the PAIN was overbearing, i had to force myself to eat. it was pretty hard to keep the food in.

 

 

Another day is another battle...

Happy that I'm not working for him and had completed the project that he paid me to do

 

Indeed. I feel like i'm walking on a battleground every day, dodging bullets and landmines.

Yeah, you should be happy! makes it much easier to avoid him. So stay discplined PL - P1NGinLOVE! (is P1NG your first name? )

Look at me, how pathetic i become! haha

 

Be courageous today and start flirting, DL (Disciple of Love!!)

You know i can't!

I managed to avoid her yesterday, i did pass her, she was around working in one area when i left, just kept looking where i walked, just pretended she weren't there. I felt not much yesterday, like i had this feeling everything is gonna be okay, the feelings are dying, and will be gone before i even know it....but today....

 

Too be honest, i feel like cutting my heart out and replace it with a new one! Don't want to deal with this anymore. Makes you want to cry but you can't, because im telling myself to man up. I doubt its love that makes me feel this way today...i dont know, it's more like you want something really bad but you can't because you're fighting a battle inside. It's against your morals, pride and everything you believe in is right. Why don't they just disappear both, having a happy love life, i don't care....just leave me alone and Get out of my mind!

Edited April 30, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

Google him....he had many things to say about instinct...intuition...vs intellectual

 

 

I'm a smart person, I believe you too...but know what? As an organism, our instinct is more powerful. We know the right thing to do, but as an organism, we act upon our instinct if the drive is too strong.

I knew morally what I did was wrong...

But at times, when my heart takes over, I stop listening to my brain and follow my instinct, thus at those moments I am a stupid human.

But most of the times, I am a robot, not an organism, which can act upon the program "Cold n Harsh" set in my brain.

 

You know i can't!

I managed to avoid her yesterday, i did pass her, she was around working in one area when i left, just kept looking where i walked, just pretended she weren't there. I felt not much yesterday, like i had this feeling everything is gonna be okay, the feelings are dying, and will be gone before i even know it....but today....

 

Too be honest, i feel like cutting my heart out and replace it with a new one! Don't want to deal with this anymore. Makes you want to cry but you can't, because im telling myself to man up.

 

Maybe you just need a fresh air and hang out again..

Start flirting, you can start with me. He hehehe.

Hey, we live hundreds of miles a way, I hope, and I'm not looking for online dates.

Flirting to keep us both entertained might ease the heartache.

 

doubt its love that makes me feel this way today...i dont know, it's more like you want something really bad but you can't because you're fighting a battle inside. It's against your morals, pride and everything you believe in is right.

 

I can totally relate too that....but as an organism...our instinct is the thing that has been with us since we were in the womb. It instructed us to find our mom's breasts when we came out to the world. So how can we stop something so basic and genuinely a part of us? It's too powerful to deny.

 

We are both fighting it because our intellectual minds told us to stop it.

We can stop contacting them...but can we dodge the bullet of love?

I know I tried to but I couldn't. I even dated a British guy who liked me 2x, but backed off cos he was not attractive. No one was cos my eyes were only set on him!

Couldn't avoid being in love...but am trying to weaken its effect on me.

His charm his french typical humor his smile even tthe way he sits...arrghh! I'm doomed!

 

I'll try anything even flirting a guy on line, cos in the real life, if I did this to a guy, he might want me to hook up with him. That is not what I want right now.

 

I know...I'm a bit odd at times. Hehehe.

[Brokenlady]

In my experience, if you have to spend this much energy reading the tea leaves and putting your finger up to check the direction of the wind, it's not a good idea to stay involved. You're running towards what you already know is a trainwreck. Why? Do you find that you gravitate towards people with problems? If that's a pattern you have (as I do), you're going to suffer a lot of heartbreak until you address that. Your guy already knows whether this is a good idea or not. That's why you're posting here. Take care.