Backup, Rebound, or is it Real Love?

[Decipleoflove]

H3nri B3rgson

Google him....he had many things to say about instinct...intuition...vs intellectual

Ik googled the guy, read and tried to understand some of his work. i must say it was pretty deep and sometimes difficult to understand what he has to say. Maybe because of the way it was written...too theoretic or too intellectual? i dunno, haha. I might have to read it a couple of times to really understand what he is saying.

 

I think if you want to compare animals to humans, the biggest difference is that humans have a consiousness, and have free choice based on wants and needs, and the intellect has a huge part in it aswell, which sets your boundaries, restraints, and tells you what is right or wrong. i know both act on instinct if its going gets tough, thats how the evolution has made them, because it's part of the survival of the species.

I think biggest part for me as a human being...is being consious about why i am here, who i am, what i believe in, what i want to be and don't want to be and the reasoning behind it, and be open to new views (continue to grow) and other possibilities of living/reality....Strive to be the best version of me....hm thats sound perfectionistic...

 

I think our mind is responsible for the logical side of things.

And our emotions are not dictacted by logic at all. This makes matters difficult.

So when you are in a situation of real danger you will automatically act on your intuition and instinct. But people have a choice to turn of the emotional side or the logical side. As you say it, turn off your mind and follow your heart. You could have chosen to do the opposite. Is it not a matter of choice and free will? Everybody is different.

You have people who lack empathy and some others have too much empathy.

I think some people are born this way (astrology), and some people are created this way by society (social environment where one grew up in, the media (school/education) that influenced them, religion, the social norm and values in the the group where one is living influences ones thinking and acting (scared for being prosecuted if you don't follow their norm).

I think a human being is much stronger than all that. Will power, and the power of attraction is greater than any instinct. Instinct is as i view it, rather static, it is there, and it will show up from time to time when its going to gets tough (you have no control of it). Whereas with will power, acting on strong believes, and power of attraction, is something that is variable (it's something you can actually control and become better at it (for example the successfull entrepreneurs in the world, or sport athletes tend to have this in common).

I think i am at a state that i can control all that, but i have difficulties controlling emotions, especially emotions of 'Love'. i can control emotions like anger, sadness/happiness, i can turn it off or not let it crowd my mind. But i noticed i could not do this with the emotion of "LOVE", because it's so deep.

 

There are many decriptions of what "LOVE" is.

One subject that other people came up with on this forum resonates with me, it's called "LIMERENCE", and tend to describe one type (darker side) of "LOVE". I could understand what it all ment, and part of it i have probably experienced or am experiencing now. What do you think of this?

 

You described yourself as being a nice and simple girl....i dont think simple people would read stuff like Henri Bergson. i think you're more sofisticated. You have an intellectual mind, and like to be challenged mentally, am i right? Sorry, don't intend to be a mind reader again, but i could not let it

 

I'm a smart person, I believe you too...but know what? As an organism, our instinct is more powerful. We know the right thing to do, but as an organism, we act upon our instinct if the drive is too strong.

I knew morally what I did was wrong...

But at times, when my heart takes over, I stop listening to my brain and follow my instinct, thus at those moments I am a stupid human.

But most of the times, I am a robot, not an organism, which can act upon the program "Cold n Harsh" set in my brain.

When you are a (cute) robot...i guess you try to shut down your emotions then? And go on Auto-pilot. (hm how would you look like? ) Thats what i do sometimes at my work haha. If i catch myself doing that though, i will smile at myself for being this way (Henri Bergson described his theory about laughter which is exactly this) And tell myself to lighten up and have some fun and laughter, eventhough you are at work. It doesn't always have to be that serious, yeah i know hehe. That's also one of the lessons for Capricorns, i have to remind myself of sometimes.

 

Maybe you just need a fresh air and hang out again..

Start flirting, you can start with me. He hehehe.

Hey, we live hundreds of miles a way, I hope, and I'm not looking for online dates.

Flirting to keep us both entertained might ease the heartache.

- I can't flirt with my crush because it would intensify the emotions and i will be in more trouble (pain later on), i need to get her of my mind, and lower its effect on me. Didn't mean i could not flirt with you lol

 

If you live in Asia, than we're about a 11-13 hours flight in between eachothers....i live in europe. That would be one hell of a date....Flying overseas just for a date? hahah i like the idea though. Its funny that we really do think alike...i could have said it myself...i believe this will work --> "Flirting to keep us both entertained might ease the heartache." yep

 

I can totally relate too that....but as an organism...our instinct is the thing that has been with us since we were in the womb. It instructed us to find our mom's breasts when we came out to the world. So how can we stop something so basic and genuinely a part of us? It's too powerful to deny.

We are both fighting it because our intellectual minds told us to stop it.

We can stop contacting them...but can we dodge the bullet of love?

 

- i think i can, i've done it before, but took me years to recover.

 

...arrghh! I'm doomed!

Yep, that's what i was thinking as well, although i try to avoid her as much as i can, the chances are too high that i will bump into her or be around her every now and then because she works here.....so im pretty much Doomed, unless i manage to get her out of my system....

 

I'll try anything even flirting a guy on line, cos in the real life, if I did this to a guy, he might want me to hook up with him. That is not what I want right now.

I know...I'm a bit odd at times. Hehehe.

I read something about Woman logic....don't want to explain it here (cuz i might be wrong), but i think i understand what you really try to say. I will keep this between us

 

Feel much better as of now. Write off these thoughts here and sharing it with like minded souls is healing for me. I think it does for you too. Slowly but surely we will overcome all of this and hopefully learn from it.

 

Out of Despair comes Hope.

 

_____________________________________________

"I Think, Therefore I Am" - René Descartes

[P1nginLOVE]

After a week of NC, he didn't even bother to ask me why.

Maybe because he was offended, as I disappeared a day after his birthday.

We had romantic lunch together on that day actually, only had 2 kisses on the cheeks and 1 fre***kiss.

Felt really awful afterwards so I decided to go away.

Didn't last long, just a week.

Guess he was no longer surprised I disappeared again.

This time, he seems to be not so afraid of losing me.

 

I finally reached out yesterday, and he said he's on a trip with his family, esp that his son (from his 1st marriage) is here in this country, visiting him.

So they're in one of the world's most famous tropical islands and he just coldly said he'd contact me when he's in town.

 

 

Hm..few days ago, I brutally convinced myself I didn't love him anymore..but actually I failed.

So now...I'm trying to take baby steps, I'm trying to convince myself that I don't love him as much as I think I love him.

 

It's a crazy idea to fly 11 hours for a date. Hehehe.

I'm a simple person who likes to read. Hehehe.

I'm phlegmatic. You?

[Decipleoflove]

I broke NC yesterday

After a week of NC, he didn't even bother to ask me why.

Maybe because he was offended, as I disappeared a day after his birthday.

We had romantic lunch together on that day actually, only had 2 kisses on the cheeks and 1 fre***kiss.

Felt really awful afterwards so I decided to go away.

Didn't last long, just a week.

Don't really know what to say (although i have alot of questions)....but i mean, only you know why you broke NC...Sorry to hear that, (Hope) Are you okay?

 

Guess he was no longer surprised I disappeared again.

This time, he seems to be not so afraid of losing me.

Yes, he shouldn't be surprised, cuz it seams like a repeating pattern....Breaking NC...start NC....Break NC again...and 1 week is nothing. I sometimes have NC with some of my family members for like months.

 

I finally reached out yesterday, and he said he's on a trip with his family, esp that his son (from his 1st marriage) is here in this country, visiting him.

So they're in one of the world's most famous tropical islands and he just coldly said he'd contact me when he's in town.

He should be doing what he should be doing (be with his familiY).

When you heard all of this from him, how did you feel?

 

Hm..few days ago, I brutally convinced myself I didn't love him anymore..but actually I failed.

So now...I'm trying to take baby steps, I'm trying to convince myself that I don't love him as much as I think I love him.

Keep on asking yourself honestly if you are happy, and content with how things go/are now.

Are you affraid for being alone? I think it makes it easier for you if you could be fine if you were alone. What would you choose, being in this affair or being alone?

 

It surprises me after reading all these stories of these A here, that the OM/OW still has so much sympathy for the MM/MW after what they did. I had the same sympathy for my crush when i initially posted my issue on here, i see things more in perpective now and that makes it easier 4me to distance myself from her. Haven't seen her like 3 days, and haven't thought about her that much anymore. Hope i can continue this. I know i will in the end. It's not that i don't believe in Real Love anymore, i do.

 

I guess i may consider myself lucky that i'm not so invested like the most of the others here. But the heartbreak i felt was real and the same as what you felt/feel.

 

I think i need to flirt with you more, i must have failed....cuz you broke NC. hahaha, sorry. bad joke.

 

11 hours flight...ohh that's nothing.......you just need to imagine that i took the plane and have this date with you... The mind is is a powerfull instrument, it takes you anywhere in just a heartbeat

 

I guess i can be phlegmatic sometimes too, feeling no emotion, cool. But more often I'm nervous(=emotional) inside, I look calm, cool and collected on the outside, but inside alot of emotions runs wild, it depends on the situations though, cuz i could let all my emotions go if someone crosses the line more than 1 time....and the other person will hear it from me verbally I still try 2be diplomatic though, but if someone treated me unfairly, then i will not care who he/she is. I will stay true to myself.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

i know both act on instinct if its going gets tough, thats how the evolution has made them, because it's part of the survival of the species.

Women tend to be attracted by alpha males kind of guy...I guess, women can be primitive at times when it comes to survival stage of species (mating)...that's why this intuition of wanting to be near him is sooo strong (or was so strong to be more precise).

 

He is one of the most successful men I've known.

And...compared to others who liked me, he was on the top of the strata...I guess...he knew that I knew that and it flattered him.

 

 

When you are a (cute) robot...i guess you try to shut down your emotions then? And go on Auto-pilot. (hm how would you look like? ) Thats what i do sometimes at my work haha. If i catch myself doing that though, i will smile at myself for being this way (Henri Bergson described his theory about laughter which is exactly this) And tell myself to lighten up and have some fun and laughter, eventhough you are at work.

 

I also smile sometimes at night when I thought that "Yes! I didn't miss him much today."

 

Its funny that we really do think alike...i could have said it myself...i believe this will work --> "Flirting to keep us both entertained might ease the heartache." yep

OK!

You should start sending me Private Messages.

Sorry, I like alpha male type, means you need to be aggressive and convince me that you can rule over me ;p

 

[P1nginLOVE]

Don't really know what to say (although i have alot of questions)....but i mean, only you know why you broke NC...Sorry to hear that, (Hope) Are you okay?

 

Generally I'm OK. Maybe each day now, just 2 hours (accumulated) spent thinking of him and what he's doing.

It took me a long journey to be where I'm in now...(maybe because my method of not wanting to make love with him works well) hehehe...

Since we resumed our A few weeks back, I told him, we would only go as far as kisses and hugs.

I even announced my celibacy program to him 2 weeks ago...he laughed at it, but he said he'd not push me against my will.

 

Yes, he shouldn't be surprised, cuz it seams like a repeating pattern....Breaking NC...start NC....Break NC again...and 1 week is nothing. I sometimes have NC with some of my family members for like months.

 

Because he knows, I still have strong feelings for him.

Though, I never once said "I love you"....just once over an email.

He never did too...but has plenty other phrases to show how he feels (his Fren*h)...he would send the songs that he sings by himself...even some of them described about us and our experiences...he would also say many other things...

and just by allocating his time for me...leaving a meeting (stopping the meeting) just to watch an American Movie -Capt AMeri*a - together (like teenagers)...and then returned to his office to resume the meeting again afterwards... He didn't like the movie and just saying "ridiculous" while laughing...he didn't want to watch it from the beginning, but he followed my will... he honestly said he thinks it was abad movie but spending the time with me made it worth while...maybe it's not love...but it's sweet that he would (most of the times) put me first then his job.

He does sweet things for me.

And I am happier when I'm with him.

Call me selfish...for "borrowing" him from his W.

His W said once that he has always been harsh on him...when I am mean to him, he never got triggered. I would sometimes be hard on him...be harsh and mean...but he'd just smile and melt my heart again.

 

 

He should be doing what he should be doing (be with his familiY).

When you heard all of this from him, how did you feel?

I said to myself...oh yes, that's what you must do.

I'm not consumed by jealousy...

Just thinking to myself...when can I get that kind of holiday...

I'm too occupied with my work and my son (I'm a single parent, ex left 3 years ago when my son was 2,5 months old. Never seen him since.)

 

 

Now...I feel OK.

But at night...might still think of him.

[Decipleoflove]

OK!

You should start sending me Private Messages.

Sorry, I like alpha male type, means you need to be aggressive and convince me that you can rule over me ;p

I can't sent Private msgs here, i looked everywhere ...can you? Guess you need to give me something else to contact you. I think being a real Alpha male, you don't need to convince anything to anybody. On the other hand... Men like ultra feminine, cute, 'innocent' looking girls but R fr**ks in b*d...hmmm ;p You just have to submit yourself to me, after a small fight

 

Generally I'm OK. Maybe each day now, just 2 hours (accumulated) spent thinking of him and what he's doing.

It took me a long journey to be where I'm in now...(maybe because my method of not wanting to make love with him works well) hehehe...

That was a smart move. Now al you need to do is keep being disciplined. You'll do fine.

 

I saw her yesterday, even said hi to eachother, i looked at her (not her eyes), but more like looking through her, like she was there and at the same time as if she wasn't there...lol that's weird, but thats kinda how i experienced it. It was emotionless from my part. Didn't felt much, Had no thoughts in my mind, like having those what-If questions, wondering what she thought etc....like i had a few weeks ago. Nope none of that. When some image or a thought about her was about to pop up in my mind, i could quickly switch my thoughts to something else. hmmz...I think i'm getting there, where i want to be.

 

The pain in my heart has gone for several days now, im happy about that, i only feel a small inner fire in my stomach (not butterflies), like the feeling, you feel this drive to get through all of this eventhough it might still be tough sometimes but i'll persevere and i am telling myself she is the one that misses out. It could have been so wonderfull, if (yes the If's) only....bla bla bla... crap... and now, back to reality.

 

Yet, today i feel a little bit sad. Picked up a conversation that tomorrow the coworker and she is going on a holiday together for a week. WTh? Why do i have to pick this up? I haven't asked for it, cause i didnt care to know. yet had to deal with it. Ok, okay...just had to confront this feeling, and deal with it. which i did...and suprisingly, something postive came out of it...and might even have speed up the process a bit. to distance myself from her and be okay with this. I'm back on earth with my two feet on the ground.

 

Seems you and me are really on the same boat. How unreal. I mean, What is the chance that your MM and my PM (potential mate) are (going) on a holiday around the same time? lol it's ridiculous. I tell you it's written in the stars 4 Capi's. I think its a lesson that something up there is trying to teach us...It has been a emotional rollercoaster ride for few months now, what lies ahead of us?

 

(for the ones following this thread hehe) Stay tuned...

Waiting for the next chapter to unfold...

[Cali408]

First of all thank you all for your replies, it helped to see things in perspective

 

I'm in my 30's and the girl is in her mid/late twenties, i dont know her exact age.

 

I'm not a religious person, but i do believe there is more between heaven and earth. I am open minded to the unknown, and that there is more that meets the eye.

 

I appreciate everyones oppinion and advise of how to deal with this issue.

What i am aware of, is that each person that replies with advise has their own perception of the story i wrote, some of them are looking at it more like BLACK or WHITE (She is not available, so move on, forget about her, she aint worth it). While others are more open to the other different shades of GREY. I am gathering all these points of view and advises so i can make a more thorough decision of what to do next (time) in my future.

 

If i'm mad and negative i tend to see it more as BLACK and WHITE myself, but when i'm more relaxed and sober or even happy, i would look at this as more GREYISH. I don't believe the other person (this girl) is that BLACK and WHITE herself. She is a human being with all its flaws and imperfections, just like everyone of us. So when i'm more like that i would tend to give her a second chance/look. I can be very judgemental like many of us, which could be bad, especially if it turns out i was wrong. It would be a shame if you judged people wrongly, and lose a friend or a lover over it.

 

I think i'm learning to understand the difference between Love acted upon by Logic versus Love acted upon by Emotion. (sorry if this is unclear, because english is not my main language )

Maybe i need to open en new thread to discus this topic, because i think it's makes a topic for a pretty good debate.

 

It would help me understand your point of view if you would answer some of these if you give your opinion:

 

1- Do you tend to act on Logic or more on Emotion (actions versus feelings/Mind vs Heart)

2- Do you believe in Real LOVE, soulmates & instant attraction (not only sexually)?

3- Have you been in the same boat before? What did you do?

4- Were you the OM/OW?

5- Have you every cheated before? Or were you cheated?

6- Do you view things more Black and White or do you also allow different shades of GREY?

answers to your questions

 

Logic

yes

yes, still in contact

yes om

not until i met my soulmate who is my ow

black and white, i use logic

 

my ow is my kryptonite, that being said, your friend has no integrity and if she break up with the 2 dudes, she needs to be alone for awhile. she sounds like a serial dater if you ask me.

[Decipleoflove]

answers to your questions

 

Logic

yes

yes, still in contact

yes om

not until i met my soulmate who is my ow

black and white, i use logic

 

my ow is my kryptonite, that being said, your friend has no integrity and if she break up with the 2 dudes, she needs to be alone for awhile. she sounds like a serial dater if you ask me.

 

thnx for your comments! interesting....

so you're a logical guy who (i asume) chose being in a affair. Could you perhaps reveal a lil bit how you got involved? was it out of love? or something else.

 

yeah, i had the same impression she might be a serial dater (good definition!), but i didnt knew all of that about her when i fell for her...my mistake... couldnt help it, heart took over after my mind tricked me with all these fantasies. Looks like she is more like a person who chooses quantity above quality. You might debate which strategy is better for finding Real Love (i am sure Angela wants to find her TRUE LOVE & SoulMate aswell). I think its a matter what fits the person more. So in a way, she can do nothing about it. I am more cautious and believe in quality above quantity. Ironically the one who got his heart broken is the one who was cautious. lol Or im just having bad luck in love....

 

______________________________________________

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger..."

Edited May 7, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

I can't sent Private msgs here, i looked everywhere ...can you? Guess you need to give me something else to contact you.

I guess...you don't have the access yet.

Hold your horses, few weeks from now you will be an established member and can send PMs.

Until then we'll have to wait )

 

 

I think being a real Alpha male, you don't need to convince anything to anybody. On the other hand... Men like ultra feminine, cute, 'innocent' looking girls but R fr**ks in b*d...hmmm ;p You just have to submit yourself to me, after a small fight

 

Hahahahaha....LOL

That was funny

But I don't like making fights

 

WHat kind of girl do you find attractive?

[A.Moscote]

Deciple you need to have 50+ posts to enable PM.

[Decipleoflove]

I guess...you don't have the access yet.

Hold your horses, few weeks from now you will be an established member and can send PMs.

Until then we'll have to wait )

i asumed you couldn't wait no more...so i guess you like to wait a few more days ;p

 

 

Hahahahaha....LOL

That was funny

But I don't like making fights

i was being serious about what men like

we don't have to have a real fight....could be in a playfull way...like a young cat playing with a woolen ball. lol As long as you surrender yourself to me.

 

WHat kind of girl do you find attractive?

obviously i'm one of those men too my 'crush' fits to that description.

 

but here is what i think i fall for:

girls with whoem i can share similar interests, with open (free) personality, and has wordly views. looks: definately beautifull eyes (sensual, dreamy) coupled with a nice smile, smaller than me, kindhearted, genuine, not pretentious type, in good shape (slender or bit curvy), feminine voice (not too loud), can be funny and serious, romantic, faithfull, likes food and or 2cook, watch movies, loves music, play some sports and travelling abroard, multi-langual.

 

How about you? what do you desire in a man?

[Decipleoflove]

Deciple you need to have 50+ posts to enable PM.

 

a-ha, hmm...shall i count to 50? ...posting one digit in each post ......nahhh i aint no cheater....so i will play it fairly.

[P1nginLOVE]

Quote:

Hahahahaha....LOL

That was funny

But I don't like making fights

i was being serious about what men like

we don't have to have a real fight....could be in a playfull way...like a young cat playing with a woolen ball. lol As long as you surrender yourself to me.

 

You'll find me a bit irritating when it comes to submit to a man's desire.

I don't normally give in.

 

 

Quote:

WHat kind of girl do you find attractive?

 

obviously i'm one of those men too my 'crush' fits to that description.

 

but here is what i think i fall for:

girls with whoem i can share similar interests, with open (free) personality, and has wordly views. looks: definately beautifull eyes (sensual, dreamy) coupled with a nice smile, smaller than me, kindhearted, genuine, not pretentious type, in good shape (slender or bit curvy), feminine voice (not too loud), can be funny and serious, romantic, faithfull, likes food and or 2cook, watch movies, loves music, play some sports and travelling abroard, multi-langual.

 

Let me put it on a checklist:

1. definately beautifull eyes (sensual, dreamy): I have black eyes. Do you find black eyes sensual?

 

2. coupled with a nice smile: hohoho...I have a very nice smile...(a great kisser too)

 

3. smaller than me: I'm petite...5,3 feet tall

 

4. kindhearted: I have been a donator (not much though) for over 2 years now. and I always try not to hurt people verbally/physically.

 

5. genuine, not pretentious type: Mmm...at times I might have hidden agenda. But most of the times I would express how I feel honestly.

 

6. in good shape (slender or bit curvy): sooooo me... (I took salsa class for a couple of months...and then belly dance)...am thinking to start taking yoga class.

 

7. feminine voice (not too loud): childish voice here...can't change that (unless I start smoking)

 

8. can be funny and serious: Don't you think that's me?

 

9. romantic: I sing...

 

10. faithfull: ohhh soooo monogamous here...and trying sooo hard not to be one...

 

11. likes food and or 2cook: like food, but a bad cook hahaha...but my fried rice is OK.

 

12. watch movies: not often (no time), but love movies

 

13. loves music: yes yes yes!

 

14. play some sports: suck in that department, but dancing is my thing it can be considered as a fun sport don't you think?

 

15. and travelling aboard: never been outside of this country

 

16. multi-langual: my mother tongue isn't english, and I can speak a bit of japnse (learned it for 4 years intensively), and learned Fr*nch from my xMM (but maybe just few words I know) hahahaha....

 

 

 

How about you? what do you desire in a man?

A guy who knows who he is and what he wants and enjoys his life.

Responsible (of his life) and sort of a leader type. (Once the were 2 guys---British and Indian---took me on a date (at different times) and at some point they put their head on my shoulder. I hated that. Just to think about those moments make me sick.

Who's funny and smart.

Patient.

Good looking.

Gentle.

Romantic...sends me songs (which he sings by himself)...compliments me all the time.

Knowledgeable.

Musical.

Great in b*d. ;p

Lovable.

----

All in my xMM ;(

[Decipleoflove]

You'll find me a bit irritating when it comes to submit to a man's desire.

I don't normally give in.

a bit of a challenge is good

 

Let me put it on a checklist:

1. definately beautifull eyes (sensual, dreamy): I have black eyes. Do you find black eyes sensual?

yes 4sure, color of the eyes doesn't matter to me, its how a woman can express their emotion/feeling with their eyes that attracts me.

 

2. coupled with a nice smile: hohoho...I have a very nice smile...(a great kisser too)

haha you sure have confidence ;p

 

3. smaller than me: I'm petite...5,3 feet tall

i'm 7 inch taller

 

4. kindhearted: I have been a donator (not much though) for over 2 years now. and I always try not to hurt people verbally/physically.

even people with kind heart sometimes do have to treat people poorly/badly or let them down....but they always feel bad about it.

Its what you feel inside that counts.

 

5. genuine, not pretentious type: Mmm...at times I might have hidden agenda. But most of the times I would express how I feel honestly.

hidden agenda, i have it too sometimes only in special circumstances, i think everybody sometimes have, it's understandable, because you sometimes have to deal with difficult (selfish) people or people who doesnt believe in you. but in the end honesty is the way to go.

 

6. in good shape (slender or bit curvy): sooooo me... (I took salsa class for a couple of months...and then belly dance)...am thinking to start taking yoga class.

nice! i could envision a tv commercial...with you salsa dancing, belly dancing an doing yoga hehe

 

7. feminine voice (not too loud): childish voice here...can't change that (unless I start smoking)

ohh don't smoke... i'm non smoker.

 

8. can be funny and serious: Don't you think that's me?

Yes, you do. i can be funny and i can be serious, and i can be funny & serious at the same time. Do you?

 

9. romantic: I sing...

oh wow, whats you favorite song to sing? btw do i need to use earplugs? ;p im just kidding hehe

 

10. faithfull: ohhh soooo monogamous here...and trying sooo hard not to be one...

why do you try so hard not to be one?

 

11. likes food and or 2cook: like food, but a bad cook hahaha...but my fried rice is OK.

i like food and cooking, i think its a form of art.

 

12. watch movies: not often (no time), but love movies

me too, there are so many movies that i havent watched yet but want to watch , i had watched a few movies lately....guess what genre of movies i've watched?

 

13. loves music: yes yes yes!

bingo, right? do you listen to music everyday, like doing some work? i have almost always music around me.

 

14. play some sports: suck in that department, but dancing is my thing it can be considered as a fun sport don't you think?

Dancing is definately somewhere at the top of the list of artform i like , and can be listed as 'sport' and fun &exciting to watch, i like dancing myself but have not taken lessons, maybe sometime i will. It keeps you in great shape.

 

15. and travelling aboard: never been outside of this country

really? suprising....your english is very well, thought you travelled alot, or maybe even studied abroard.

 

16. multi-langual: my mother tongue isn't english, and I can speak a bit of japnse (learned it for 4 years intensively), and learned Fr*nch from my xMM (but maybe just few words I know) hahahaha....

multi-langual people tend to be smart(er) people

i know only a few japanes words....konichiwa, alligato, and uh...bonsaiii haha Oh yeah i know some basic stuff in French aswell...had few years lessons at highschool. Bet you learned all the lovely romantic stuff in french huh ;P

 

A guy who knows who he is and what he wants and enjoys his life.

Responsible (of his life)

thats me right there.

 

and sort of a leader type.

i can be the leader, but sometimes i take a step back, depends on who the leader is , if he makes it a chaos, i will step up! lol

(Once the were 2 guys---British and Indian---took me on a date (at different times) and at some point they put their head on my shoulder. I hated that. Just to think about those moments make me sick.

hahaha i could picture it and your reaction lol, shouldn't it be the other way around? girl putting her head on a guys shoulder...what did you do, that they felt they needed to do that?

 

Who's funny and smart.

Patient.

Gentle

i confess

 

Good looking.

i'm average/above average looking i guess, for some girls i might look stunning, cause i notice girls glazing at me when im out in public , maybe because i look different

 

Romantic...sends me songs (which he sings by himself)...compliments me all the time.

i've done that before minus the singing part ;p i'm a bad singer...i think im a better rapper or a poet.

 

Knowledgeable.

sometimes i might come off as a noob in some topics sooo forgive me but i tend to have a broad interest in all sorts of stuff and i like 2 gather knowledge, especially if i can make it usefull in pratice.

 

----

Great in b*d. ;p

Lovable.

with the right person ... we're the best Edited May 8, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

Hahahaha...

I chuckled and smiled when reading your reply.

No worries, I don't smoke.

 

Quote:

10. faithfull: ohhh soooo monogamous here...and trying sooo hard not to be one...

 

why do you try so hard not to be one?

I try to like another guy other than my xMM (there are many great guys where I work)...not working...but weird I start to like you...lol.

 

me too, there are so many movies that i havent watched yet but want to watch , i had watched a few movies lately....guess what genre of movies i've watched?

Let me guess: Marvel's movies....romantic movies...and...Disney's???

Huahahaha

 

 

 

 

OK...let's not reveal more about ourselves here...

I am happy that you have got rid off the fog on your mind about your angel.

Mmm... My xMM emailed me yesterday (2x) (The first one saying he's back in town)

And I replied (2x), but I guess he did not receive the first one...

He bought me something...but don't know what it is yet.

 

 

Yesterday, I went to the hospital...(long stroy) I had an IV session (3 hours) and amazingly...when I was lying and trying to rest I didn't think of him that much...maybe only 30 minutes -accumulated-.

 

And at night (at home already)...when I read his second email, I was too exhausted to reply...

Asking myself "Why am I still in contact with this guy?"

Hrrggggh!!!

[A.Moscote]

a-ha, hmm...shall i count to 50? ...posting one digit in each post ......nahhh i aint no cheater....so i will play it fairly.

 

Emm that might do, but yeah, you should get it fairly. And there's P1ngin here to keep you posting, so why rush. It seems you two are helping each other well.

Hopefully both of you will make it out of your respective problems soon.

[P1nginLOVE]

Emm that might do, but yeah, you should get it fairly. And there's P1ngin here to keep you posting, so why rush. It seems you two are helping each other well.

Hopefully both of you will make it out of your respective problems soon.

 

 

 

I didn't know help him much...as a guy, he recovered faster than me..that's how men roll. Hahahhaa.

 

But he did help me a lot. At some level, it helps to distract my thoughts.

 

I'm in love with a man who doesn't worth it. Am afraid to be involved with a real guy. One of my coworkers likes me, he's been a helping hand and even I caught him looking at me many times. He hasn't said it verbally. He even once wanted to go home at the same time and asked me where I lived...wanted to offer me a lift I guess...but I am so not ready for this.

I cannot be with a guy to forget another guy. Esp guys these days..mostly just want s*x. So...though flirting online not my style, it feels so much more fun and relaxing than flirting with a real guy in front of me. But I occasionally did flirt my xMM...esp before we started the A. And it was a year ago.

[P1nginLOVE]

I didn't know help him much..

 

I meant:

I didn't help him much.

[Cali408]

thnx for your comments! interesting....

so you're a logical guy who (i asume) chose being in a affair. Could you perhaps reveal a lil bit how you got involved? was it out of love? or something else.

 

yeah, i had the same impression she might be a serial dater (good definition!), but i didnt knew all of that about her when i fell for her...my mistake... couldnt help it, heart took over after my mind tricked me with all these fantasies. Looks like she is more like a person who chooses quantity above quality. You might debate which strategy is better for finding Real Love (i am sure Angela wants to find her TRUE LOVE & SoulMate aswell). I think its a matter what fits the person more. So in a way, she can do nothing about it. I am more cautious and believe in quality above quantity. Ironically the one who got his heart broken is the one who was cautious. lol Or im just having bad luck in love....

 

______________________________________________

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger..."

 

Pure love, we were friends for a long time. She was in a lousy marriage and I had a huge crush on her. It was electric unfortunately. Sexual napalm as John Mayer described Jessica Simpson

[Decipleoflove]

Hahahaha...

I chuckled and smiled when reading your reply.

No worries, I don't smoke.

 

I try to like another guy other than my xMM (there are many great guys where I work)...not working...but weird I start to like you...lol.

 

people tend to like people who are similar to them, so in a way....its not weird that you like me

 

Let me guess: Marvel's movies....romantic movies...and...Disney's???

Huahahaha

You were right, except for the last one

 

I've watched Kick-Ass I & II, its Not a Marvel movie but its in the same sub-genre (super hero movie). Part I is surprisingly good and funny!

 

Before i came here on LoveShack, i found comfort in watching (what a surprise) romantic movies. I thought it could help be with my problems in love and learn to understand it more and it did for a quite a bit, i enjoy it alot.

 

Call me crazy lol (this is just an example how determined i was/am to resolve my problems), but i've a list of 16 romantic movies on my computer that is waiting there to be watched. saw 2 of them few weeks ago. They are: Pride and Prejudice (1995) and Closer (2014). I give them both 4 **** stars rating. Closer being more my favorite of the two.

 

Closer (2014)

The relationships of two couples become complicated and deceitful when the man from one couple meets the woman of the other.

 

I could really symphatize with the characters in the movie and the stories they are in. And made me think about the 'Love' in my ownlife, and perceptions of how to deal with it. Good stuf, i recommend.

 

 

OK...let's not reveal more about ourselves here...

I am happy that you have got rid off the fog on your mind about your angel.

Thank you, that's very sweet of you. I hope you'll also get more clarity and closure in your dealings soon. I've accepted the Reality (which some part is clarity and one part unclarity, just have to learn to accept it in order to move on i guess), and im okay with it.

 

Mmm... My xMM emailed me yesterday (2x) (The first one saying he's back in town)

And I replied (2x), but I guess he did not receive the first one...

He bought me something...but don't know what it is yet.

 

Thats a tough one...he buying you gifts, while you told him you are breaking with him...i dont know about that, to accept his gift or not? You decided to go NC, but you couldnt stick to it, gotta take things slowly step by step P1NG. In a way if you could decline his gift, it will show him how serious you are that you want to break with this A. If you'll accept, he'll think all is okay, and not take you seriously. Try to be consistent. And i hope you are not being "played" by him. How well do you know him, can you really trust him? have you seen his bad sides or only his good ones? Just playing devils advocate here.

 

Yesterday, I went to the hospital...(long stroy) I had an IV session (3 hours) and amazingly...when I was lying and trying to rest I didn't think of him that much...maybe only 30 minutes -accumulated-.

Hope its nothing serious?

I see you made some progress here. From 2 hours ....to now....30 minutes Keep going!

 

And at night (at home already)...when I read his second email, I was too exhausted to reply...

Asking myself "Why am I still in contact with this guy?"

Hrrggggh!!!

 

Take your time. People already said it. It's not going to be easy. Its a process you need to go through. You are ready when YOU are ready. You are done with it/him, when YOU are done with IT/HIM. Time will heal the wounds, and thats the Truth.

Edited May 10, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Decipleoflove]

Emm that might do, but yeah, you should get it fairly. And there's P1ngin here to keep you posting, so why rush. It seems you two are helping each other well.

Hopefully both of you will make it out of your respective problems soon.

 

hehe, yeah....I could have devided this (long) post #39 into multiple posts easily, to get my postcount higher, ahww...that was a wasted opportunity right there ;(

 

Not really rushing things, but i am driven to help her, not to drift back to her xMM. Like before, when she broke NC. She made some progress as you see

[Decipleoflove]

I didn't know help him much...as a guy, he recovered faster than me..that's how men roll. Hahahhaa.

 

I think its not a matter of being a male or female who recovers faster. Does it? i mean if there is a scientific proof that it does i want to hear it. interesting....hehe

 

I'll try to explain the differences why i 'recovered' faster...

 

1) i choose to abandon/block the heart in this 'love', and choose to approach this love with my mind (think logically). I understand now, that i may have been in a 'foolish' kind of love. You know it's funny, that i know more about P1ng (who she is and what she likes) than my 'crush' lol. So i could put it into perpective.

 

2) P1ng is in a longer affair (10 months vs couple of months) than i am, and she has more invested in her xMM than i did with my 'crush'. I've read online that there is some kind of rule about how long it takes to get over a breakup. Formula is like this i think,....for each year you are in a relationship with, it will take 1 month to recover, when a break up happens. So it took me around 1 tot 2 weeks. P1ng is recovering, but will need more time.

 

 

3) And she was not only emotionally but also physically involved. I am only emotionally involved. So its easier to distance myself i guess than for her.

 

But he did help me a lot. At some level, it helps to distract my thoughts.

you helped me by supporting me and sharing similiar experiences, and the flirting part is a good cure as we both already thought it would.

 

I'm in love with a man who doesn't worth it. Am afraid to be involved with a real guy. One of my coworkers likes me, he's been a helping hand and even I caught him looking at me many times. He hasn't said it verbally. He even once wanted to go home at the same time and asked me where I lived...wanted to offer me a lift I guess...but I am so not ready for this.

I cannot be with a guy to forget another guy. Esp guys these days..mostly just want s*x. So...though flirting online not my style, it feels so much more fun and relaxing than flirting with a real guy in front of me. But I occasionally did flirt my xMM...esp before we started the A. And it was a year ago.

ooww dont make me jealous....haha im kidding

online flirting is safe and easier (no big hassle) than real life...maybe thats why you like it so much ....and besides flirting in reallife has consequences as we both experienced ;p lol

[Decipleoflove]

Pure love, we were friends for a long time. She was in a lousy marriage and I had a huge crush on her. It was electric unfortunately. Sexual napalm as John Mayer described Jessica Simpson

 

so there was a surpressed kinda love in both of you that was there already....i see.

 

 

"It was electric unfortunately. Sexual napalm as John Mayer described Jessica Simpson"

lmao that was a great line!!

[P1nginLOVE]

you helped me by supporting me and sharing similiar experiences, and the flirting part is a good cure as we both already thought it would.

 

Thank you! Yes...indeed...

 

I'm soooo unease now... ; (

He broke the saturday sunday code. Not contacting each otherdurin the weekends. I'm in place where it's about 10 hours faster that yours...so he emailed memanytimes today... maybe because last night I informed him that I will be on a business trip next month. Now it's 11 pm...and last night he emailed me twice at 1 am...and then another 3 emails or 4 during the day.

 

Of course I tried to answer calmly. But 10 minutes ago, I emailed him just to emphasize my celibacyyy program in quite a harsh way...because in

his last email he said he wanted to spend more time with me.

 

He was one of the people whom I respected before we started the A. Still strongly admire him. Less wanting him. Less loving him. Less missing him as we don't hv s*x any longer.

But his last emai, though he didn't say it verbally, seems to implicitly means he still wants to have s*x with me.

When we resumed this A last month it turned to be simply an EA. He knew I wasn't going to give in anymore...he accepted it. But his emails today were like pushing me to give in!

Argggh!

Edited May 10, 2014 by P1nginLOVE

[Decipleoflove]

Thank you! Yes...indeed...

 

I'm soooo unease now... ; (

He broke the saturday sunday code. Not contacting each otherdurin the weekends. I'm in place where it's about 10 hours faster that yours...so he emailed memanytimes today... maybe because last night I informed him that I will be on a business trip next month. Now it's 11 pm...and last night he emailed me twice at 1 am...and then another 3 emails or 4 during the day.

 

Of course I tried to answer calmly. But 10 minutes ago, I emailed him just to emphasize my celibacyyy program in quite a harsh way...because in

his last email he said he wanted to spend more time with me.

 

He was one of the people whom I respected before we started the A. Still strongly admire him. Less wanting him. Less loving him. Less missing him as we don't hv s*x any longer.

But his last emai, though he didn't say it verbally, seems to implicitly means he still wants to have s*x with me.

When we resumed this A last month it turned to be simply an EA. He knew I wasn't going to give in anymore...he accepted it. But his emails today were like pushing me to give in!

Argggh!

 

Ok, im gonna be really honest to you.

What do you want from him, what is it that you want?? You already know that he is a guy that crosses boundaries, it means nothing to him, yeah he may tell you (pretend) he does, but he's stringing you along for his own egoistic pleasures (buying you gifts so you return the favor with....company, intimacy or just Sex?)

 

You may think that is what "Alpha males" do, and you like that in a man......If your definition of the ideal man/aka Alpha man is a man that has a wife and still sleeps around with another woman/mistress, because he is so manly or whateva...than by all means go for it. I can tell you that he aint going to change. Why? because its already too late. There is no turning back. If you quit with him, he wil find another willing victim, and play the charming, confident gentleman who happens to be in a bad marriage and is ooh soo pitiful ;( ... i've read it many times here on this forum.

 

You have two choices. Either you play 2nd fiddle and accept it for what it is, and be happy with the crums you get from him, or end it and find a better man who respect you and place you 1st. If you have more respect for yourself, you will know what to choose.

 

wow...that must be the knight in shining armour speaking....however woman nowadays don't like these man, they tend to like the lying, unfaithfull, low moral, egotistical, cheating, playing bastards, gentlemanly acting a*holes of the world. But they are sweet and nice...right?...yep the perfect man. lol

 

Sorry, but what do i know? i'm just a man that refused to being/becoming the OM, i felt the PAIN it has caused me being in this position, thats a sign that it is Wrong and i need to get tha hell out of it asap.

Real Love should not cause PAIN but HAPPINESS and JOY.

The reason why it caused pain in both our 'relationship' with the MM or 'crush' is that they were already in a relationship. And they were the ones who initiated all this, do i hear someone thinking they are Innocent? Innocent my assss...they know exactly what they were doing.

 

I want to see them when they are in the same situation (walking in our shoes) as us and see how they feel.....i'll bet they will not feel as much PAIN as we do, why? because they are Users, and it doesnt matter to them if they were playing 2nd fiddle, they will be perfectly fine with it.

 

Don't believe me? Date another man, sleep with him and keep in contact with your MM.....let him see you are with another man, tell your MM you love the other man and he is your love of your life, but you still love your MM but its difficult for you, that you are confused right now.

 

Only then you will know who he really is.......untill then its all empty promisses.....you have to take his words with a grain of salt.

 

Sorry for being so harsh....i know it is difficult and its not a matter of black and white, and you believe in Love and thats love what you feel. Honestly, i dont think this is Real Love. If it is Real Love, your MM has to show me that with first divorcing his wife....other than that, your are only his little toy.

 

And i am the foolish/crazy one here, because i have probably let the LOVE of My Life go...

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

Edited May 11, 2014 by Decipleoflove