Backup, Rebound, or is it Real Love?

[P1nginLOVE]

Ok, im gonna be really honest to you.

What do you want from him, what is it that you want?? You already know that he is a guy that crosses boundaries, it means nothing to him, yeah he may tell you (pretend) he does, but he's stringing you along for his own egoistic pleasures (buying you gifts so you return the favor with....company, intimacy or just Sex?)

 

You may think that is what "Alpha males" do, and you like that in a man......If your definition of the ideal man/aka Alpha man is a man that has a wife and still sleeps around with another woman/mistress, because he is so manly or whateva...than by all means go for it. I can tell you that he aint going to change. Why? because its already too late. There is no turning back. If you quit with him, he wil find another willing victim, and play the charming, confident gentleman who happens to be in a bad marriage and is ooh soo pitiful ;( ... i've read it many times here on this forum.

 

I know that I like spending my time conversing with him.

I'd like to keep him as a friend.

I told him this last night.

 

I told him to stop expecting me to give in and try to find ways where I'd be vulnerable.

He wanted to sync his schedule with me so we can spend time together during my business trip. *he asked me so many times before since last year, normally to accompany him during his business trips, example to Spore, etc. But I always refused*.

 

N I told him the other day that I'm gonna be out of town nx month for a business trip, he immediately asked when and where and he expressed that he wanted to spend some time with me. I got to a boiling point and asked him to start taking my words seriously. I don't want to have s*x with him.

This morning he replied that what he meant was simply spending time not necessarily to have physical intimacy. (I haven't replied him, as today is sunday).

 

What do I want?

I simply want him to stay as a friend.

I am still drawn to him.

 

I know he's married. At times I accept just eating his crumbs, but most of the times not. We had a great relationship before the A, when I stayed NC few months back, I realized he was and is a precious friend.

 

He has a big ego, I know,,,,it was actually the reason why I broke up with him for the first time.

 

I know (I feel) he's going to find someone else if i keep on acying hot and cold like this and I told him to do that. I actually want to see him with another woman to see how I'd feel. Maybe it would help me to get over him. He hasn't done so though.

 

I never asked him the things that are happening in his M. His W shared it alot through her emails. I am trying to block my feelings and protect my heart.

 

DL...help... ; (

[Decipleoflove]

I know that I like spending my time conversing with him.

I'd like to keep him as a friend.

I told him this last night.

 

I told him to stop expecting me to give in and try to find ways where I'd be vulnerable.

He wanted to sync his schedule with me so we can spend time together during my business trip. *he asked me so many times before since last year, normally to accompany him during his business trips, example to Spore, etc. But I always refused*.

 

N I told him the other day that I'm gonna be out of town nx month for a business trip, he immediately asked when and where and he expressed that he wanted to spend some time with me. I got to a boiling point and asked him to start taking my words seriously.

 

he is starting to feel he is losing you as his lovetoy...so he tries to be closer to you, hence the allignment of your schedules, so he can work on you in person. Which way better than doing that under the excuse of a businesstrip? He already has an excuse to his wife, to other people around him....that if something happens...we were just on a businesstrip....and nothing happened.....or if something happened.....its because you could not help it.....one thing lead to another....

 

I don't want to have s*x with him.

i don't think he believes you....

 

This morning he replied that what he meant was simply spending time not necessarily to have physical intimacy. (I haven't replied him, as today is sunday).

he is just telling what you want to hear imo. but go ahead if you want to test him if he put his words into action.

 

What do I want?

I simply want him to stay as a friend.

I am still drawn to him.

i don't know if that will work out...personally i have little experience in this regard...i dont believe it will work, only if you are really strong personalities and can and proved to respect eachothers boundaries, which i don't see, might work, (guess the percentage of success is pretty low) you are trying which is good...but don't let him push you.

 

 

I know he's married. At times I accept just eating his crumbs, but most of the times not. We had a great relationship before the A, when I stayed NC few months back, I realized he was and is a precious friend.

 

He has a big ego, I know,,,,it was actually the reason why I broke up with him for the first time.

 

I know (I feel) he's going to find someone else if i keep on acying hot and cold like this and I told him to do that.

 

I never asked him the things that are happening in his M. His W shared it alot through her emails. I am trying to block my feelings and protect my heart.

 

DL...help... ; (

 

i dont know...but you are doing this still behind the back of his W....if you want to stay "friends" you have to tell his W about you and him, be open and honest to her, she should know (even maybe tell her if he crosses your boundaries). Otherwise it would come off as you both have something to hide....

 

I actually want to see him with another woman to see how I'd feel. Maybe it would help me to get over him. He hasn't done so though.

this is crazy....isnt his W another Woman in your view? Seems like you don't see her as a threat....do you find her no competion to you? Do you find you are more pretty than her? and that is one of the reasons you don't feel much jealousy towards her, and you feel pity for her...? i dont know....maybe i can relate to you a bit....i've thought about this aswell with my "crush"....i thought if i see her flirting and being with another man other than her current boyfriend/co-worker, than i will know how she is like and help be get over her..etc....but to be honest her being with the co-worker is enough for me to distance myself from her,.....cause i can't treat myself that bad ....and torture myself if i'd stayed in that position.

I think you should sort these things out in your mind, and make a choice....R you going to wait around or do you move on?

 

I wish i had a magic pill....to help you resolve all of your problems,

You need to start living in reality and be responsible for your own actions...take life in your own hands. I'm trying to do this myself.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

this is crazy....isnt his W another Woman in your view? Seems like you don't see her as a threat....do you find her no competion to you? Do you find you are more pretty than her? and that is one of the reasons you don't feel much jealousy towards her, and you feel pity for her...? i dont know....maybe i can relate to you a bit....i've thought about this aswell with my "crush"....i thought if i see her flirting and being with another man other than her current boyfriend/co-worker, than i will know how she is like and help be get over her..etc....but to be honest her being with the co-worker is enough for me to distance myself from her,.....cause i can't treat myself that bad ....and torture myself if i'd stayed in that position.

I think you should sort these things out in your mind, and make a choice....R you going to wait around or do you move on?

 

I wish i had a magic pill....to help you resolve all of your problems,

You need to start living in reality and be responsible for your own actions...take life in your own hands.

 

His W, is definitely not a threat. I don't see myself as her competition. She may see me as a threat, but I def don't see her that way. She's a pretty woman, I saw her pic on fb, I guess she is better than me in many aspects. I will never be able to take her place, and I always remind myself, he's hers first. Anyways...

 

If I saw them walking together, ,,, I'd be smiling....in a bitter way....but I would respect that.

I want to see him with another girl....so I can tell myself to leave him. If he could kiss another girl than me, and his W, that would mean I'm nothing.

 

Of course he said I'm the only one and other romantic things to keep me by his side at that time, but I didn't believe it...if he could cheat on his w...it'd be expected that he could cheat on me.

He was upset whenever I told him I didn't trust him....that he was lying...but yeah...I don't want to be trapped by him. He said he was true..

 

Actually...since a year ago...my heado has been telling me to run. It's just my heart that's too stubborn to listen. It's been a struggle even before the A... he had successfully made me fall for him months before I finally agreed.

 

I cannot tell his w we still meet sometimes...she'd be furious. She sensed that at the time she emailed me, he was more opened up to me than to her. In short, reading her email was heart breaking. I do want to respect her..by I still want to be around her H, as a friend.

Edited May 13, 2014 by P1nginLOVE

[Brokenlady]

Of course he said I'm the only one and other romantic things to keep me by his side at that time, but I didn't believe it...if he could cheat on his w...it'd be expected that he could cheat on me.

He was upset whenever I told him I didn't trust him....that he was lying...but yeah...I don't want to be trapped by him. He said he was true..

 

He's undoubtedly tells his wife the same thing. Only, YOU know he's a liar. He only gets pissed bc he knows it is as true as you do. But why bother telling him? You KNOW he's not trustworthy.

 

Actually...since a year ago...my heado has been telling me to run. It's just my heart that's too stubborn to listen. It's been a struggle even before the A... he had successfully made me fall for him months before I finally agreed.

 

So why didn't you listen?

 

I cannot tell his w we still meet sometimes...she'd be furious. She sensed that at the time she emailed me, he was more opened up to me than to her. In short, reading her email was heart breaking. I do want to respect her..by I still want to be around her H, as a friend.

 

Lets' be honest here, you can't respect anyone, most especially yourself, by having any contact with him at all. You know he's still lying to her and that should tell you something. He also lying to you. None of this is good for you.

[P1nginLOVE]

He's undoubtedly tells his wife the same thing. Only, YOU know he's a liar. He only gets pissed bc he knows it is as true as you do. But why bother telling him? You KNOW he's not trustworthy.

 

 

 

So why didn't you listen?

 

 

 

Lets' be honest here, you can't respect anyone, most especially yourself, by having any contact with him at all. You know he's still lying to her and that should tell you something. He also lying to you. None of this is good for you.

 

I feel like I was listening to my own head!

Most of the times I am sober and can see this problem objectively.

 

I am not an aggressive type of woman, mm...and I don't trust men in general...I have my own issues before I met him...I have a principal that men are liars and I wish I could stop my heart from loving him.

 

Maybe...one of the reasons I'm stuck here is maybe because I am afraid of getting hurt again, thus avoiding and not trying to find a single man. (Not only because I love my xMM).

At least, with him I know how OBVIOUS that he is indeed a liar and that he's sleeping with someone else (his W).

I am so damaged up here (pointing to my head).

 

Am not on the look for the time being...I want to believe in true love...but have experienced that it does not exist.

[Decipleoflove]

I'm glad brokenlady has joined and gave some advise with womans point of view. I think i'm not really the best person to give advices to PinginLove's situation, cause i think differently, have other background/history than her, and i'm a male. I can't imagine how its like to be her, what she have been through, that makes her think/act this way, really my mind is spinning in circles....trying to understand all these scenario's....if this, than that, than this and then that (and mixing up with my own situations with my 'crush')......etc sorry lol its exhausting.....and im like, for what? for this person that doesn't deserve it....yeah...then im shaking my head again :/.....i really hope P1inginlove, that you find the right answers within you (take it slow), you deserve better! I guess you need learn to make better choices, that is best for YOU. I'll try to help where i can, but sometimes my mood is a bit bad, and i post with fire. So don't take it too personal, and do let me know if i go too far. I can be really harsh to myself but also to others.

 

 

I've been reading some articles online recently, about what love is.

Two quotes i'd like to mention here what could help us with our problems:

 

"Indifference kills love" - so, be indifferent to the one you chose to love (and dont want to love no more). Be indifferent what he thinks, what he does, what he wants etc. Do this whenever you feel you are pressured by him making you to do things you don't want....

 

"Love is a series of choices" - i talked about consiousness in dealings with love, if you switch this on, you'll make other choices than when you switch your consiousness off and let unconsciousness roll its course. Try to switch it on, when you have important decisions to make.

If you want to read more about this article, google this:

"How Do You Know When You Love Someone? by john Kim"

 

Another medicine that is effective, it's called self hypnotise, you can use this to distance yourself from him (you can do this where ever you want):

 

ok, it goes like this:

- try to relax, and breath in and out (do this 5 x times)

- Now close your eyes (and keep it closed till the end of the session)

- now breath in and out slowly but deliberately (do this 5x times or more)...inhaleeee.......exhaleeee.......inhaleeee......and....exhaleeee

- in the meanwhile try to lower your heartbeat

- now slowly picture your MM's face in you mind, ...see him?..... good

- Now all you need to do is to imagine his picture is moving away from you...

you'll see that his picture is moving far and far away....the picture becomes smaller and smaller....you see that?

- his picture becomes smaller and smaller ....untill its a dot .

- And then....then.... its gone. (out of sight, out of memory)

- You can start to open your eyes now to end this session.

But if you want to go a little further than this...you may even

picture something now that makes you happy, something that gives you strength....and do the opposite...picture a dot first, and see the picture becoming larger, and larger...it becomes closer and closer, as if you can touch it.

 

Last but not least...don't stop believing in real love. because you had some bad experiences. Think More Positive, you've learned from this experience aswell and the one before, it will help you finding that special one oneday.

 

Dr.DL prescribes to practice above treatments 3x a day, and you'll be healed in a week or 2. Trust me (and yourself more), this has worked for me

Edited May 14, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[Brokenlady]

I.....

I am not an aggressive type of woman, mm...and I don't trust men in general...I have my own issues before I met him...I have a principal that men are liars and I wish I could stop my heart from loving him.

 

This isn't a bad thing, actually . Trust should be EARNED not freely given to anyone who comes along. And that should be true for everyone, male or female.

 

Maybe...one of the reasons I'm stuck here is maybe because I am afraid of getting hurt again, thus avoiding and not trying to find a single man. (Not only because I love my xMM).

At least, with him I know how OBVIOUS that he is indeed a liar and that he's sleeping with someone else (his W).

 

That's some excellent insight there. You might want to explore this. Clearly this hasn't prevented you from getting hurt, only made your hurt more predictable. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

 

I am so damaged up here (pointing to my head).

 

Am not on the look for the time being...I want to believe in true love...but have experienced that it does not exist.

 

Given what you've described as your experience, I understand. BUt either way, you know that what you have with this guy isn't it.

[P1nginLOVE]

I'm glad brokenlady has joined and gave some advise with womans point of view. I think i'm not really the best person to give advices to PinginLove's situation, cause i think differently, have other background/history than her, and i'm a male. I can't imagine how its like to be her, what she have been through, that makes her think/act this way, really my mind is spinning in circles....trying to understand all these scenario's....if this, than that, than this and then that (and mixing up with my own situations with my 'crush')......etc sorry lol its exhausting.....and im like, for what? for this person that doesn't deserve it....yeah...then im shaking my head again :/.....i really hope P1inginlove, that you find the right answers within you (take it slow), you deserve better! I guess you need learn to make better choices, that is best for YOU. I'll try to help where i can, but sometimes my mood is a bit bad, and i post with fire. So don't take it too personal, and do let me know if i go too far. I can be really harsh to myself but also to others.

 

 

I've been reading some articles online recently, about what love is.

Two quotes i'd like to mention here what could help us with our problems:

 

"Indifference kills love" - so, be indifferent to the one you chose to love (and dont want to love no more). Be indifferent what he thinks, what he does, what he wants etc. Do this whenever you feel you are pressured by him making you to do things you don't want....

 

"Love is a series of choices" - i talked about consiousness in dealings with love, if you switch this on, you'll make other choices than when you switch your consiousness off and let unconsciousness roll its course. Try to switch it on, when you have important decisions to make.

If you want to read more about this article, google this:

"How Do You Know When You Love Someone? by john Kim"

 

Another medicine that is effective, it's called self hypnotise, you can use this to distance yourself from him (you can do this where ever you want):

 

ok, it goes like this:

- try to relax, and breath in and out (do this 5 x times)

- Now close your eyes (and keep it closed till the end of the session)

- now breath in and out slowly but deliberately (do this 5x times or more)...inhaleeee.......exhaleeee.......inhaleeee......and....exhaleeee

- in the meanwhile try to lower your heartbeat

- now slowly picture your MM's face in you mind, ...see him?..... good

- Now all you need to do is to imagine his picture is moving away from you...

you'll see that his picture is moving far and far away....the picture becomes smaller and smaller....you see that?

- his picture becomes smaller and smaller ....untill its a dot .

- And then....then.... its gone. (out of sight, out of memory)

- You can start to open your eyes now to end this session.

But if you want to go a little further than this...you may even

picture something now that makes you happy, something that gives you strength....and do the opposite...picture a dot first, and see the picture becoming larger, and larger...it becomes closer and closer, as if you can touch it.

 

Last but not least...don't stop believing in real love. because you had some bad experiences. Think More Positive, you've learned from this experience aswell and the one before, it will help you finding that special one oneday.

 

Dr.DL prescribes to practice above treatments 3x a day, and you'll be healed in a week or 2. Trust me (and yourself more), this has worked for me

 

 

 

DLLLLeeeellllllll....you've just earned another title which is DL ( Doctor of Love )...you should be a counselor...giving people advices on "the art of forgetting someone" hehehehe.

Great advices! ☆☆☆☆☆

I trust you...I actually tried the self hypnotize thingy. It worked a little.

And.....it worked.. I imagined one picture getting bigger...it was you! Lol. Joking...hehehehe. I've never seen your face.

 

I do constantly tell myself not to hurt his W. Not to give in again. Like today...this is my 3rd day of NC...his last email was asking me to join him to his bus.trip out of the country, and my last email was me rejecting it.

I do think how to act upon my strong feelings for him....imagine...me keeping saying no to the guy I really desire. Isn't that something that came out from a thoughtful mind.

 

He doesn't know how much I still want him. How I wish I could hold his hand or cling on his arm when we sit together (at a restaurant) as he was speaking about the things we did in the past and how I was a more sweet n cheerful person. Not cold like right now.

 

To distract my head, I went to the club last night just hangin out with my girl friends... my first one in almost 2 years. I don't drink alcohol, so just had lychee juice. Hehehehe.

 

 

I want to see them when they are in the same situation (walking in our shoes) as us and see how they feel.....i'll bet they will not feel as much PAIN as we do, why? because they are Users, and it doesnt matter to them if they were playing 2nd fiddle, they will be perfectly fine with it.

 

Don't believe me? Date another man, sleep with him and keep in contact with your MM.....let him see you are with another man, tell your MM you love the other man and he is your love of your life, but you still love your MM but its difficult for you, that you are confused right now.

 

Only then you will know who he really is.......untill then its all empty promisses.....you have to take his words with a grain of salt.

 

I did tell him that I'm going to try to sleep with another guy in order to slowly forget him. I am sure, physical intimacy with another guy would make me stronger to forget him. But then I thought again, though it will definitely work, it is a very self destructive act. He said he does not have the authority to forbid me (as I don't want to be his lover anymore), but he asked me not to do this as it might hurt me.

Of course...though I've told him this method many times, I've never done it.

I would like to know a good guy...meet a good single guy...but not yet found him. All I've met are those who like me physically and I sense that they only want physical intimacy.

So...yeah...don't know when and where to find this single guy. Of course once I've found him, I need some months and take some normal phases with him before I get to be involved.

So....I'm not going to do ONS. For now, DL, mind helping me out by giving me more of your great advices?

Once you can receive PMs...I will flirt you often! So be alert! Hehehe

Edited May 15, 2014 by P1nginLOVE
typo

[P1nginLOVE]

This isn't a bad thing, actually . Trust should be EARNED not freely given to anyone who comes along. And that should be true for everyone, male or female.

 

 

 

That's some excellent insight there. You might want to explore this. Clearly this hasn't prevented you from getting hurt, only made your hurt more predictable. You can't keep doing this to yourself.

 

 

 

Given what you've described as your experience, I understand. BUt either way, you know that what you have with this guy isn't it.

 

Your words opened my eyes.

It was love...we had something. I then decided to walk out because I didn't want to hurt his W more than that and I didn't want to be hurt.

There were times it felt so true and it started to be a torment.

I couldn't breathe.

In Dec, I could feel we were madly in love to one another. It was so intense and it was maybe the peak of romance in our A. I then decided to walk out in jan..because I didn't want to let the romance grow further. Was afraid that I'd start wanting more of his time n attention.

True, a week after we separated his W emailed me. Telling me that for months she sensed in so many ways that her H and I restarted the A again, esp because he stayed in this country for chrstmas (she left to their home country a week before Christmas, he followed 2 days after). And then she sensed how he became moody now (maybe because I left him).

We did resume last month, but just EA...but then it got LC. I initiated it. I told him it would hurt me if this continues. He said ok and he suggested we stayed in our limits. (Meet up to have drinks or coffee, every day if possible etc).

 

So...yeah...I'm in a tough position. I'm feeling this for a guy who doea not worth it. I haven't seen him for almost 4 weeks now. We keep contact via emails. I've been refusing his invitations. Has been 3 days of hard NC....he's asking me to meet up tomorrow. I'm struggling everyday in the name of not wanting to be hurt.

[Decipleoflove]

DLLLLeeeellllllll....you've just earned another title which is DL ( Doctor of Love )...you should be a counselor...giving people advices on "the art of forgetting someone" hehehehe.

Great advices! ☆☆☆☆☆

I trust you...I actually tried the self hypnotize thingy. It worked a little.

And.....it worked.. I imagined one picture getting bigger...it was you! Lol. Joking...hehehehe. I've never seen your face.

I do constantly tell myself not to hurt his W. Not to give in again. Like today...this is my 3rd day of NC...his last email was asking me to join him to his bus.trip out of the country, and my last email was me rejecting it.

I do think how to act upon my strong feelings for him....imagine...me keeping saying no to the guy I really desire. Isn't that something that came out from a thoughtful mind.

He doesn't know how much I still want him. How I wish I could hold his hand or cling on his arm when we sit together (at a restaurant) as he was speaking about the things we did in the past and how I was a more sweet n cheerful person. Not cold like right now.

Thanks PLLLL! you're welcome. I'm flattered ....i think its a 'gift' that i have abilities to be a therapist (without education in it though)..im some sort of experience 'expert'...i notice i can help people sometimes. I'm a problemsolver by design. I just hate it, to be in a problem (or having a problem) for too long (especially if it causes tremendous Pain), i try my best to fix it or get rid of it. Offcourse i still have some problems, who doesn't? hehe...i'm a human being after all. But i believe as a human being, we need to strive to be the best person you can be. And when the time comes....we leave this world better as it was before. Capricorns are known to be the Builders of the Zodiac...i'm sure you yourself help others alot...i know you've helped me/supported me with my problem

 

I trust you...I actually tried the self hypnotize thingy. It worked a little.

And.....it worked.. I imagined one picture getting bigger...it was you! Lol. Joking...hehehehe. I've never seen your face.

LOL hahaha......it's a powerfull technic, so be carefull what you wish for hehe

 

I am happy that you are making jokes again i like the funny silly side of you.

 

To distract my head, I went to the club last night just hangin out with my girl friends... my first one in almost 2 years. I don't drink alcohol, so just had lychee juice. Hehehehe.

Yes, go out and have some fun, you have deserved it, cause you're starting to overcome this A, slowly but surely. Oh i like lychee juice liquer, we sometimes have this at new years eve. Do you like liquer? Cheers!

 

I did tell him that I'm going to try to sleep with another guy in order to slowly forget him. I am sure, physical intimacy with another guy would make me stronger to forget him. But then I thought again, though it will definitely work, it is a very self destructive act. He said he does not have the authority to forbid me (as I don't want to be his lover anymore), but he asked me not to do this as it might hurt me.

Of course...though I've told him this method many times, I've never done it.

I would like to know a good guy...meet a good single guy...but not yet found him. All I've met are those who like me physically and I sense that they only want physical intimacy.

So...yeah...don't know when and where to find this single guy. Of course once I've found him, I need some months and take some normal phases with him before I get to be involved.

So....I'm not going to do ONS. For now, DL, mind helping me out by giving me more of your great advices?

Once you can receive PMs...I will flirt you often! So be alert! Hehehe

I don't know what is worse....sleeping with a new single guy you like and have a connection with or staying in this affair (which is self-destructive anyways). I think staying in the affair is more harmfull for yourself, and all the other people that are involved, guess the Guilt & Pain would oneday be unbearable. You would also harm your self-respect, your self worth, dignity, your trustworthyness, (all the lies, keeping secrets). You will not have any of that with a new single guy (If he is the right one offcourse), you can start fresh, in some way it will feel liberated. But offcourse you don't just choose a guy (you are not build that way, neither do i). You need to stay cautious, and don't do it for the wrong reasons. Loving someone is a free choice....i can't believe someone can force another one to love him/her, thats not love....thats more like the "Stockholm Syndrom" what you are experiencing.

 

LOL, sure, you know i will post advices to help you where i can, don't worry I've read some article yesterday, which could be of help for both of us. It deals with why we are attracting/attracted to people who are unavailable to us....its really insightfull...i will post it later on.

Oh boy....what's ahead.... Should i start to worry now? hehehe j/k . Just a little more patience PL

[P1nginLOVE]

Yes, go out and have some fun, you have deserved it, cause you're starting to overcome this A, slowly but surely. Oh i like lychee juice liquer, we sometimes have this at new years eve. Do you like liquer? Cheers!

 

Nope....I only drink juice. Rarely would I accept a drink offer (2× a year).

Just an occasional drinker.

My xMM often offers me a drink, wine or things like that.. and I always refuse. I don't like beers too.

I love lychee (one more thing we have in common! )...but without liquor. Would like to try to drink your "national" drink for new year's eve.

 

 

I agree that being with him is self destructive too...but I guess...he would not dare to push me beyond boundaries I've set. We're now in Not in a relationship. We're in LC. Yesterday I broke NC...and he asked me to meet. I met him, for an hour...for sandwich time. Mm...I felt strange...i wanted to be there and also not to be there.

 

Today again, he broke his own rule...the Saturday and Sunday code. He emailed me but I didn't reply.

I'm still crying over this mess.

 

I want to start fresh...just can't change my heart in a radical way like you did.

Thank you...

I'm still doing that hypnotize thingy!

Can slowly forget him...I think about him far less.

The pain is far less...but can still make me cry...yet not as frequesnt as before!

I occupied myself with many activities today!

 

 

 

Mind sharing the articles you've read?

[Decipleoflove]

Nope....I only drink juice. Rarely would I accept a drink offer (2× a year).

Just an occasional drinker.

My xMM often offers me a drink, wine or things like that.. and I always refuse. I don't like beers too.

I love lychee (one more thing we have in common! )...but without liquor. Would like to try to drink your "national" drink for new year's eve.

seems like you are pretty "monogamous" about drinks aswell hehe it's okey, i'm an occasional drinker myself, i drink pretty much everything: soft drinks, tea, coffee, juice, liquor, beer, mix drinks, or just water. Lychee liquor, tastes sweet and has bubbles in it (like soft drinks), you wont get drunk of it after 1 glass ;p. Its safe unless you are allergic to alcohol. i think promilage is similar as beer. I think you will like it

 

I agree that being with him is self destructive too...but I guess...he would not dare to push me beyond boundaries I've set. We're now in Not in a relationship. We're in LC. Yesterday I broke NC...and he asked me to meet. I met him, for an hour...for sandwich time. Mm...I felt strange...i wanted to be there and also not to be there.

That's normal that you felt like that, because you are starting to live in reality and not in the bubble, your head is not in the clouds anymore as before.

 

I had similar experience once i decided to distance myself (unhook myself) from her, the next time i saw my 'crush' when i pass her, i looked at her and i saw her and greeted her, but it was emotionless, as if she was there and not there at the same time (maybe because I looked through her). lol I guess i did it because of self protection, that i want to 'forget' about her, and not have her on my mind. I think you experience something like that. It's a start in the right direction

 

I haven't seen my 'crush' for almost 1,5 week now. I mean yes, she came back this tuesday after her holiday with the co-worker. I did saw her around like 1 or 2 times, but we didn't pass eachothers pathes. One time i was talking to another colleague and i knew she was around, so i had my back faced at her while talking to the colleague. It was a subtle sign from me to her, that i avoid her. I hope she will get it and leave me alone. I'll treat her just as another coworker, it will take time before i really reach that level. So i am wondering around with other girls that i fancy or feel like they have an eye on me. But i don't know, i feel like going outthere and let my walls/guard down and i sometimes i feel like my guard/walls are way up again, not letting anyone in, especially unavailable ones!

 

I've met plenty of unavailable woman, who have a bf or are recently divorced in the past few years, i wondered why....after reading that article i know why now....i guess because i was so cautious and picky i appear to be unavailable to these woman (who are unavailable themselves), so that may be the reason why they were attracted to me, and i dont want that, i mean i like the attention and the flirting but it's a waste of time and causes head/heartache if i engage and invest more into it. I always break it off when i notice the girl has already a BF or H, even if she has not told me and i found out later.

 

I want to attract single woman, but i guess its getting harder once i get older....but thats an easy way out thinking like that....so i won't accept that as an excuse...i know there are millions of single girls everywhere, i just don't chase after them i guess. And i just want to find Real (genuine) Love...not based on fantasy, not based on lies, i guess its hard to find, but not impossible.

 

You know what's funny? Woman find men more attractive when they are already in a relationship, who already have a GF or H, their "logically" mind tells them that these men are "high quality" because a (good looking) girl is his GF/W. For them its a sign of preselection, selecting the right mate, i find it rather lazy and shallow of these single woman who think like that (but understandable), because you don't know these men, if these men are compatible to you, if he is your type etc. I wonder if there a single woman out there who find single man more attractive hehe.

 

So being a single man will be harder to attract these kind of single woman haha.....its crazy....so if i want to up my chances and attract these woman i need to get to know more woman and go from one quality woman to another, until i find the 'high quality' one that will be my GF and maybe my W. That will be of alot of heartbreaks and headaches to look forward to haha.

 

Today again, he broke his own rule...the Saturday and Sunday code. He emailed me but I didn't reply.

I'm still crying over this mess.

This is an example of an unavailable partner, that the article i referred to talks about. You accepting this rule means you were not available to him aswell, thus in a way have attracted you to him and him to you. To break this cycle you need to practice treating yourself exactly the way you want a partner to treat you. What you really want is a partner that is available to you especially on Saturday or Sundays when people have more free time to spend together. This is the biggest lesson in relationships according to the article, and i agree.

 

I want to start fresh...just can't change my heart in a radical way like you did.

I was in intense PAIN, and didnt want to deal with it anymore, so i had to cut/fix the issue as soon as possible. It looked radical perhaps, but i was determined to do what is needed. I got rid of the Pain, and accepted the reality. I don't long for her anymore because i dont let myself fantasise about being with her anymore, i block the thoughts about her, i switch my mind to something else if her face pops up in my mind or hear or see her name somewhere on tv or on the internet. Its a battle, and it becomes easier each day....i do sometimes feel sad though (not crying though).....but thats much better than feeling that PAIN again!

 

You just need some time to sort all things out, you want a softer landing, now you have decided you no longer want to be his lover anymore, but only be a friend to him, thats good. the process of recovery is ongoing.

I understand you can not cut all contact radically, because you also had a PA with him. They say woman detach from man they sleep with more diffult than men do. Men detach easier from woman they have slept with, than woman.

 

After you are ready for a new fresh start, and solved your issues in your past relationships, only then you will feel reborn again, and liberation is around the corner. So try to really solve the issues you have within you and with your Expartner, or a similar problem would be experienced with the new partner, and you dont want that to happen. You want to break this cycle.

 

Thank you...

I'm still doing that hypnotize thingy!

Can slowly forget him...I think about him far less.

The pain is far less...but can still make me cry...yet not as frequesnt as before!

I occupied myself with many activities today!

 

Be good and follow the doctors recepy , i know it would help, as it did for me glad you tried and like it.

In a week or two you will feel much better. Yep, i try to occupy myself with activities too, so i dont have to think about things i dont want to think about, but i notice i dont have to be too occupied now, i can switch my thoughts to something else if i want to. Time is healing the wounds....

 

=======================

The article i read recently is about why we attract or are attracted to people who are unavailable for us.

 

Google this for the full article:

"How To Break The Pattern Of Choosing "Unavailable" Partners by Shelly Bullard"

 

One note though, i think this is the nex step after your recovery. I don't think its usefull to you right now, because you are still in the recovery proces. But when you are ready to move on, and want to understand why we got ourselves in this mess and want to break this cycle, than this article might open up your eyes, at least it makes you think and maybe change yourself in the way you interact with future prospective partners. Pretty good stuff

 

The best part in the article i'd like to quote here:

 

"3. You aren't being available to yourself.

This is the biggest issue of all. When you change this, everything else will fall into place.

 

The most important lesson in relationships is this: People will treat you the way you treat yourself. Until you are completely accepting, loving, caring of yourself, it's going to be difficult to find a relationship in which you are treated this way, too.

 

Many of us think we're being completely accepting of ourselves, but when we take a deeper look, we find that we're actually pretty harsh with ourselves.

 

We don't accept our true feelings, we judge ourselves for our mistakes, we have critical self-talk. All of this less-than-loving behavior sets you up to feel unloved with other people, too!

 

How do you change this?

Create practices of treating yourself exactly the way you want a partner to treat you.

 

The more you love and care for yourself, the more you feel love from other people as a result.

 

(For specific tips on how to love yourself, check out my article: 5 Easy Ways to Make Yourself Highly Attractive.)

 

The pattern of attracting unavailable people is highly frustrating, but it's something you can overcome. The more you practice being completely available to yourself and other people, you'll find that this experience will shift in your life, and your relationships will become much more fulfilling as a result. "

Edited May 17, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

I had similar experience once i decided to distance myself (unhook myself) from her, the next time i saw my 'crush' when i pass her, i looked at her and i saw her and greeted her, but it was emotionless, as if she was there and not there at the same time (maybe because I looked through her). lol I guess i did it because of self protection, that i want to 'forget' about her, and not have her on my mind. I think you experience something like that. It's a start in the right direction

 

I haven't seen my 'crush' for almost 1,5 week now. I mean yes, she came back this tuesday after her holiday with the co-worker. I did saw her around like 1 or 2 times, but we didn't pass eachothers pathes. One time i was talking to another colleague and i knew she was around, so i had my back faced at her while talking to the colleague. It was a subtle sign from me to her, that i avoid her. I hope she will get it and leave me alone. I'll treat her just as another coworker, it will take time before i really reach that level. So i am wondering around with other girls that i fancy or feel like they have an eye on me. But i don't know, i feel like going outthere and let my walls/guard down and i sometimes i feel like my guard/walls are way up again, not letting anyone in, especially unavailable ones!

 

I also felt that way! As if I were looking thru him!!!I guess I was looking at him while telling myself I'm not in love wih him anymore. I know I need to keep on hypnotizing myself especially when I'm in front of him.

I guess subconsciously I always set my walls up!

We handle things similarly! And I'm also too picky and cautious! We're like 2 peas in a pod!

 

 

I read some similar articles like that....why we're attracted to MM, beause if one of us (read:a woman) chose to marry that guy, he obviously has got some high quality within him.

Probably I like him because of that.

 

 

I am brainwashing my head...saying that I'm not in love with him.

I guess....yyou've been such a great mentor!

 

I do love myself! I go to a dermatologist....I buy things that I like....but I've stopped that dancing thingy! Maybe I should try to take a belly class again! Mind joining??? Hehehehe!

[Decipleoflove]

We handle things similarly! And I'm also too picky and cautious! We're like 2 peas in a pod!

How romantic hehe

I am brainwashing my head...saying that I'm not in love with him.

I guess....yyou've been such a great mentor!

sorry, i had to chuckle abit about the brainwashing thing , it sounds weird and funny that we do this...but as long as it works, why not right? You're the best student i ever had about this stuff. I found another way/trick to 'forget someone', haven't done it myself though, cause its kinda like black magic / voodoo stuff. Maybe try something small first.

 

It goes like this, write down on a piece of paper about everthing you hate about your XMm, how he makes you feel, the mess you got yourself into...the frustrations, the anger, the lies, write it all down....and when you're done....you set the piece of paper on fire...burn it! Note: you are burning all the bad stuff, bad feelings, you could still keep the good memories about him though.

 

I know i've build my 'crush' up to this image of a goddess in my mind, so i know i can also bring her down to just a silly girl with my mind, just like that. this is why i know "Love is a choice" is so true to me.

 

I do love myself! I go to a dermatologist....I buy things that I like....but I've stopped that dancing thingy! Maybe I should try to take a belly class again! Mind joining??? Hehehehe!

haha....don't know about belly dancing...i'd like to observe your belly for awhile though and see if its communicating something to me lol

Dancing wise i'd like to learn dances which uses passion, fully expressing yourself and have fun kinda dance....salsa, tango...lambada, dirty dancing perhaps? Mind being my dancepartner? hehe

Edited May 18, 2014 by Decipleoflove

[P1nginLOVE]

How romantic hehe

sorry, i had to chuckle abit about the brainwashing thing , it sounds weird and funny that we do this...but as long as it works, why not right? You're the best student i ever had about this stuff. I found another way/trick to 'forget someone', haven't done it myself though, cause its kinda like black magic / voodoo stuff. Maybe try something small first.

 

It goes like this, write down on a piece of paper about everthing you hate about your XMm, how he makes you feel, the mess you got yourself into...the frustrations, the anger, the lies, write it all down....and when you're done....you set the piece of paper on fire...burn it! Note: you are burning all the bad stuff, bad feelings, you could still keep the good memories about him though.

 

I know i've build my 'crush' up to this image of a goddess in my mind, so i know i can also bring her down to just a silly girl with my mind, just like that. this is why i know "Love is a choice" is so true to me.

 

 

haha....don't know about belly dancing...i'd like to observe your belly for awhile though and see if its communicating something to me lol

Dancing wise i'd like to learn dances which uses passion, fully expressing yourself and have fun kinda dance....salsa, tango...lambada, dirty dancing perhaps? Mind being my dancepartner? hehe

 

 

 

OK... will do... One of the firsts shall be that he's a CHEATER!

and then: He's a guy who doesn't care about how traumatizing this R is, yet still wanted to go for it and gave me this stupid illusion of "L*V*".

And many more shall I write in that list!

 

I did that salsa thingy with him, I guess I should not try that dance again, as it might trigger my memory with him!!!

You must teach me lambada!

Dirty dancing? Does it mean we have to dance in a puddle of mud??? LOL

 

 

....In a funny way...I wish we could have this talk while sitting face to face and make some noise while we're in a competition... (who can list down the ugly things about our X most in 5 minutes is the winner, and the loser should do silly things e.g. if I won, I could put you on a make up!)

^^ that would be awesome! and funny!!!

[Decipleoflove]

OK... will do... One of the firsts shall be that he's a CHEATER!

and then: He's a guy who doesn't care about how traumatizing this R is, yet still wanted to go for it and gave me this stupid illusion of "L*V*".

And many more shall I write in that list!

Wowww...easy....be carefull, you don't have to destroy him i'm kidding. It's ok, as long as you tell the truth how you've experienced it, and write it down. You do this for YOU only, not for anyone else.

 

I did that salsa thingy with him, I guess I should not try that dance again, as it might trigger my memory with him!!!

You must teach me lambada!

Dirty dancing? Does it mean we have to dance in a puddle of mud??? LOL

I do not know how to dance the lambada, so we have to improvise then. We'll have to watch some lambada vids together and then we'll try to replicate the dance. That would be fun!

 

Yep, we have to dance in mud or some other substance (chocolate, custard), getting all dirty, and after the dance we'll dance under the shower, singing 'im dancing in the rain' lol

 

....In a funny way...I wish we could have this talk while sitting face to face and make some noise while we're in a competition... (who can list down the ugly things about our X most in 5 minutes is the winner, and the loser should do silly things e.g. if I won, I could put you on a make up!)

^^ that would be awesome! and funny!!!

You find it awesome that you may put make up on me? or because we could do this competition face to face? lol

 

I think i'll look very handsome when i let you put make up on me...ghehehe

If i win you have to give me a massage, this whole A has caused much tension at my neck, shoulders, head, arms, everywhere....i could use a good massage.

 

But i think you will have a bigger list, cuz your xMM is clearly the bigger villain ;p he'd gone too far. I'm proud to see, that you're starting to see your xMM what he really is instead of what you thought he was. Bring him down in you mind, so you can just be 'friends' with him.

[P1nginLOVE]

I think i'll look very handsome when i let you put make up on me...ghehehe

-----I was afraid that you'd look prettier than me.

 

 

If i win you have to give me a massage, this whole A has caused much tension at my neck, shoulders, head, arms, everywhere....i could use a good massage.

-----He has also alwjays asked me to give him a massage since 2 months ago (I never did give him) and also to have a shower together (I guess all men love massage and shower, either they're married or not) lol

 

 

But i think you will have a bigger list, cuz your xMM is clearly the bigger villain ;p he'd gone too far. I'm proud to see, that you're starting to see your xMM what he really is instead of what you thought he was. Bring him down in you mind, so you can just be 'friends' with him.

-----yesterday his W emailed me again. Maybe she started to see some changes in him after since 2 months ago. Or maybe she caught him emailing me? I don't know....and I told her what I wanted to tell myself. That I'm no longer in love with her W. That I am only his friend.

Can't you post 50 posts faster cos I really w ant to share this just personally with you.

[A.Moscote]

Ahah Deciple why don't you turn on that posting frenzy mode now, you are not far from 50. There are dozens of sub-forums here, spam them!

You are so nice, someone's counting on you. .

[P1nginLOVE]

Ahah Deciple why don't you turn on that posting frenzy mode now, you are not far from 50. There are dozens of sub-forums here, spam them!

You are so nice, someone's counting on you. .

 

Hehehehe!

Since this morning I've been holding back, want to ask my xMM, who has failed to be my friend, about what had happened.

I really wanted to contact him...but it would sooo stupid of me to plunge myself to that labyrinth again...so I opened LS instead, to see whether DL has posted anything.

 

I pity myself...I pity her... I hate him...but still can't forget him.

I'm grateful he's not my mess to clean up.

I wish I have the courage to have a bouncing relationship or ONS with a guy, maybe I'd heal faster.

Or maybe I'd feel far much worse?

[A.Moscote]

Be strong and patient, of course it's not easy to let go of all the feelings or to just simply forget him in a snap. You can get through this today, just delay any urge to contact him with any activity/task you can do. This is desperate time, why not learn how to hack DL's profile and help him post some more.

 

A fling or ONS can be fun, but I doubt it can help you heal and detached from your xMM properly now. But you know yourself better than us, so just be careful okay, we don't want someone to hurt you, and cause you to fall back into the mess.

[P1nginLOVE]

Be strong and patient, of course it's not easy to let go of all the feelings or to just simply forget him in a snap. You can get through this today, just delay any urge to contact him with any activity/task you can do. This is desperate time, why not learn how to hack DL's profile and help him post some more.

 

A fling or ONS can be fun, but I doubt it can help you heal and detached from your xMM properly now. But you know yourself better than us, so just be careful okay, we don't want someone to hurt you, and cause you to fall back into the mess.

 

Am trying to keep mys3lf focused...yesterday I was not effective n efficient at the office, thus had to stay like 10 to11 hours there! Today,thank God I could work more effectively.

I guess DL has to be forced to post more! Or yeah, I must hire someone to hack his ID! LoL

 

Nooooo.....it's just a thought..in the real life, I'm quite preserved...introvert...would never dare to have ONS...

Today...his face has been swimming in my head!

O what a headache!

I'm sure glad I've found LS, otherwise I'd be crying over a river by now!

[Decipleoflove]

-----I was afraid that you'd look prettier than me.

No you were not, cuz I know you have pretty big confidence

 

----He has also alwjays asked me to give him a massage since 2 months ago (I never did give him) and also to have a shower together (I guess all men love massage and shower, either they're married or not) lol

Ohhh mannn....i guess we man sometimes are soooooo predictable....lol

You should try to erase all this memory about you and xMM asking you for a massage and a shower....and replace it with DL!!!! ;p maybe you would change your decision then...

 

----yesterday his W emailed me again. Maybe she started to see some changes in him after since 2 months ago. Or maybe she caught him emailing me? I don't know....and I told her what I wanted to tell myself. That I'm no longer in love with her W. That I am only his friend.

Uh oh, i smell trouble.....wait.

hmm....i see you handled it quite well! You included him in the cc (wow, didnt expect you would do that), so his W knows how you think of him...good good good! If you can't be honest to eachother, how can you ever be 'friends' right? I think nobody could be mad, or blame you for telling the truth...I hope (think) you feel better now. Guess you feel relieved to get this off your chest. Thats a major step forward PL!!! You may be proud of yourself, taking your life in your own hands, instead of waiting around what to come.

 

Can't you post 50 posts faster cos I really w ant to share this just personally with you.

I can but I told you i am patient... ....I'll try to up the post count...so don't worry. Cant help to say this....you sound so cute...

[Decipleoflove]

Ahah Deciple why don't you turn on that posting frenzy mode now, you are not far from 50. There are dozens of sub-forums here, spam them!

You are so nice, someone's counting on you. .

 

Yeah i guess so....but i am a little worried how she would act in my PM box...hahaha Noo im just kidding....i just wanted to demonstrate how patient i am... I don't mind posting here, cause some of the stuff we share here could be of use for the readers following this thread.

 

Those readers might have experienced similar dillema's as us here. They can witness that these tricks we use actually helps! If i see some of the people trying to recover for yearsss.....thats pretty sad, and oh so waste of time...and so unneccesary.

 

Besides i like the progress i see of how P1nginlove handles things now compared to a few weeks ago, i like to post my progress (thoughts) here aswell, and hope i will not fall back. It's nice to read some of the stuff back. Like i am reading a diary

[Decipleoflove]

Be strong and patient, of course it's not easy to let go of all the feelings or to just simply forget him in a snap. You can get through this today, just delay any urge to contact him with any activity/task you can do. This is desperate time, why not learn how to hack DL's profile and help him post some more.

LMAO....might give you/her the password right ahead....password is ....

N0NofUrBuzn1z j/k

 

A fling or ONS can be fun, but I doubt it can help you heal and detached from your xMM properly now. But you know yourself better than us, so just be careful okay, we don't want someone to hurt you, and cause you to fall back into the mess.

I don't think its wise to solve one mess with another 'mess', but it can be fun indeed

[Decipleoflove]

I guess DL has to be forced to post more! Or yeah, I must hire someone to hack his ID! LoL

 

Nooooo.....it's just a thought..in the real life, I'm quite preserved...introvert...would never dare to have ONS...

Today...his face has been swimming in my head!

O what a headache!

I'm sure glad I've found LS, otherwise I'd be crying over a river by now!

Wth?? so many post in just a short period....someone must have H@ckored my account

 

When his face is swimming in your head again, you need to try to picture him swimming to the open sea.......go now Willy....freee Willyy.....

 

LS is a great place indeed. Glad i've found this place aswell...it's been of great help.