He cheated, and I'm taking him back

[ImSuchAFool]

He cheated on me. For months. I found out when the other woman contacted me. He had a relationship with each of us at the same time.

 

I tried to make it work and forgive him for a few months after I found everything out. I tried so hard because I like him so much. But I couldn't move passed it and ended things. That was in December.

 

I've seen him every week since then because we have mutual friends and we all hang out once a week. At times he has tried to make things seem like they were when we were dating, but I asked him to stop and he did.

 

Recently I've been entertaining the idea of trying again. I actually think I'm going too. I really love this man. He is still just legally separated from his wife (different from the other woman), but I think they are starting the process soon.

 

He still sees the other woman because they work together, and for awhile she was reaching out to me non stop. Every once in awhile she will reach out again, but it's sporadic. She started a terrible blog about him and his lies, and mentions me in it by name, which is upsetting. In it she says they slept together a few months ago, but he swears its not true. I believe him. She is the main reason I am hesitating getting back with him.

 

The is a very short description of my life and dilemma at the moment. Am I crazy for trying again with him?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think your screenname pretty much sums it up.

[ImSuchAFool]

I think your screenname pretty much sums it up.

 

That's not very nice. I felt like a fool when I found out everything last fall. But that was 7 months ago. I dated him for another two months and ended it in December. So it's been 4 months now. He apologized a million times.

 

Why not try again?

[Caliguy30]

Trust? Gone. I was cheated on tried to make it work. When it's all said and done, it will never be healthy. You will always have doubts about his loyalty and trusting him.

[SCJACK]

That's not very nice. I felt like a fool when I found out everything last fall. But that was 7 months ago. I dated him for another two months and ended it in December. So it's been 4 months now. He apologized a million times.

 

Why not try again?

 

Just because he apologized doesn't make him a better person. He still cheated on you. Cheating usually comes with lying as well. I don't think any random girl is going make up lies just because she's bored. I think you are blinded by your love for this man. Going back to him is not a smart idea.. you are going feel like such a fool once again.

[ImSuchAFool]

Trust? Gone. I was cheated on tried to make it work. When it's all said and done, it will never be healthy. You will always have doubts about his loyalty and trusting him.

 

I do have a fear this will happen, but my fear of "what if" if I don't try is greater. I've never had a connection like this before.

[ImSuchAFool]

Just because he apologized doesn't make him a better person. He still cheated on you. Cheating usually comes with lying as well. I don't think any random girl is going make up lies just because she's bored. I think you are blinded by your love for this man. Going back to him is not a smart idea.. you are going feel like such a fool once again.

 

She isn't lying about having a relationship with him. She showed me enough proof that I believed her. He also finally admitted everything. But I don't believe they slept together again fairly recently. I think she's lying about that.

 

He was in a bad place with his marriage ending when this all happened. He's in a much better place now.

[KaliLove]

Sooooo he's still married and he's seeing you..and he's already cheating on you. Yeah, this isn't going to end well. He will never stop cheating.

[veggirl]

He's not even divorced! Technically YOU'RE the other woman! Has he even filed?

 

Find a SINGLE man. This guy is a prick. How long did you date before he cheated on you for months?

 

You think he is ready for a relationship, really?

[Caliguy30]

I do have a fear this will happen, but my fear of "what if" if I don't try is greater. I've never had a connection like this before.

 

The only reason is because your ego, while you can't and won't admit it now, is completely shot. If you give it another shot he may love you and it will be better than ever and it won't happen. Trust me the anxiety of what he's doing and the pain that the one person you love so dearly can do that to you will never go away. I've never been more hurt in my entire life than someone cheating on me. It took me getting away to realize that.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's not very nice. I felt like a fool when I found out everything last fall. But that was 7 months ago. I dated him for another two months and ended it in December. So it's been 4 months now. He apologized a million times.

 

Why not try again?

 

I'm not here to be nice. You asked, I answered. I think you would be an idiot of the highest order to bring this guy back in your life. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I'm not going to tell you its sunny and 70 degrees outside when there is a raging blizzard going on.

 

I could give you reasons why I state my opinion, but it'd be an absolute waste of my time. The fact that you are seriously considering this means that logic won't work to dissuade you and that you aren't in the mental state to comprehend said logic. I mean, if someone tells you that they are going to start taking shots of Clorox with every meal, they are pretty far past being able to be reasoned with. You're just going to have to jump out of the airplane without a parachute.

[ImSuchAFool]

Sooooo he's still married and he's seeing you..and he's already cheating on you. Yeah, this isn't going to end well. He will never stop cheating.

 

Don't you think it's possible though that he was just in a really bad place, and made a mistake? I can tell he's doing better now. And he's now trying so hard to prove to me that he's changed. I'm honestly asking if you think there is zero chance at all of it working.

[ImSuchAFool]

He's not even divorced! Technically YOU'RE the other woman! Has he even filed?

 

Find a SINGLE man. This guy is a prick. How long did you date before he cheated on you for months?

 

You think he is ready for a relationship, really?

 

We dated from November 2012 until December 2013. I found out about the other girl in late September. I tried to continue dating him until December 2013, and then ended it.

 

He dated her from Jan. 2013 until June 2013 when she broke up with him because of red flags. She said she refused to talk to him for two months, he was persistent, and they dated again for about 6 weeks before she found out about me and contacted me in September.

[ImSuchAFool]

The only reason is because your ego, while you can't and won't admit it now, is completely shot. If you give it another shot he may love you and it will be better than ever and it won't happen. Trust me the anxiety of what he's doing and the pain that the one person you love so dearly can do that to you will never go away. I've never been more hurt in my entire life than someone cheating on me. It took me getting away to realize that.

 

I've never been this hurt either. But I don't think it's an ego thing. I love this man.

[ImSuchAFool]

I'm not here to be nice. You asked, I answered. I think you would be an idiot of the highest order to bring this guy back in your life. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I'm not going to tell you its sunny and 70 degrees outside when there is a raging blizzard going on.

 

I could give you reasons why I state my opinion, but it'd be an absolute waste of my time. The fact that you are seriously considering this means that logic won't work to dissuade you and that you aren't in the mental state to comprehend said logic. I mean, if someone tells you that they are going to start taking shots of Clorox with every meal, they are pretty far past being able to be reasoned with. You're just going to have to jump out of the airplane without a parachute.

 

I understand your point of view. And im sorry if i sounded defensive. But I did take a 4 month break from him. I'm not rushing into this decision. I think the separation made him realize how much he hurt me. I believe he is willing to do anything to prove to me how sorry he is. And I know he loves me.

 

Do you think the 4 month break makes a difference?

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand your point of view. And im sorry if i sounded defensive. But I did take a 4 month break from him. I'm not rushing into this decision. I think the separation made him realize how much he hurt me. I believe he is willing to do anything to prove to me how sorry he is. And I know he loves me.

 

Do you think the 4 month break makes a difference?

 

No. I think everything you are writing is pure delusion. This guy was married, dating you for a year, and dating another girl during much of that time. And he's still married. He must have David Koresh-esque cult-leader powers or something.

 

His choices are not a mistake honey -- they're a pattern of behavior. Four months, four years, four decades, doesn't matter. This wasn't him getting drunk and making out with a woman at the bar. This was a prolonged set of affairs -- there are at least three women involved including yourself and I wouldn't be surprised if there are more that you don't know about. If there aren't, there will be -- there's no reason for him to ever respect his relationship with you when you are such a frigging weakling about it. You don't respect yourself enough to stay away from this man permanently and put up boundaries, so why should he respect you?

 

I don't know who did what to give you so little self-esteem and self-regard, but it doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to be that foolish woman that everyone feels pity toward or laughs at.

[veggirl]

We dated from November 2012 until December 2013. I found out about the other girl in late September. I tried to continue dating him until December 2013, and then ended it.

 

He dated her from Jan. 2013 until June 2013 when she broke up with him because of red flags. She said she refused to talk to him for two months, he was persistent, and they dated again for about 6 weeks before she found out about me and contacted me in September.

 

Oh so he was chasing her. And if it were up to him, he'd be dating her. But she dumped him.

 

HE wants HER. He persued her and chased HER. The only reason they aren't together is because SHE doesn't want to be.

 

So you are (at best) his 2nd choice.

 

And when's the divorce proceedings? I assume he's filed?

[ImSuchAFool]

No. I think everything you are writing is pure delusion. This guy was married, dating you for a year, and dating another girl during much of that time. And he's still married. He must have David Koresh-esque cult-leader powers or something.

 

His choices are not a mistake honey -- they're a pattern of behavior. Four months, four years, four decades, doesn't matter. This wasn't him getting drunk and making out with a woman at the bar. This was a prolonged set of affairs -- there are at least three women involved including yourself and I wouldn't be surprised if there are more that you don't know about. If there aren't, there will be -- there's no reason for him to ever respect his relationship with you when you are such a frigging weakling about it. You don't respect yourself enough to stay away from this man permanently and put up boundaries, so why should he respect you?

 

I don't know who did what to give you so little self-esteem and self-regard, but it doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to be that foolish woman that everyone feels pity toward or laughs at.

 

I don't have low self esteem but I get why you would think that. Some of my friends the its crazy too. I don't know why he has this affect on me. I tried to walk away. There is a part of me that is very worried which is why I posted here. But I don't want to live with regret.

[sooshi]

Sadly, you will regret it even more when history repeats itself.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't have low self esteem but I get why you would think that. Some of my friends the its crazy too. I don't know why he has this affect on me. I tried to walk away. There is a part of me that is very worried which is why I posted here. But I don't want to live with regret.

 

The fact that you would regret not being a pushover to a serial cheater is very problematic. And suggests awful self-esteem and very few boundaries. I just don't know what else to say -- you are on a plane of thought that I just can't relate to. It comes off as insane to me.

[ImSuchAFool]

Oh so he was chasing her. And if it were up to him, he'd be dating her. But she dumped him.

 

HE wants HER. He persued her and chased HER. The only reason they aren't together is because SHE doesn't want to be.

 

So you are (at best) his 2nd choice.

 

And when's the divorce proceedings? I assume he's filed?

.

He hasn't filed yet because of money, but his wife has a boyfriend now too. They aren't together. They've both moved on.

 

He obviously cheated on both me and the other woman. But he doesn't want her. He hates her now. A lot.

[KaliLove]

Don't you think it's possible though that he was just in a really bad place, and made a mistake? I can tell he's doing better now. And he's now trying so hard to prove to me that he's changed. I'm honestly asking if you think there is zero chance at all of it working.

 

I honestly think there is zero chance. I'm sorry.

 

He's still married. He moved on to you. Then he moved on to someone else. I think this man is a predator and I don't think he will ever change.

[Simon Phoenix]

sooshi nailed it above me. The regrets you might feel in not pursuing this will be a hundred fold if you do.

[ImSuchAFool]

The fact that you would regret not being a pushover to a serial cheater is very problematic. And suggests awful self-esteem and very few boundaries. I just don't know what else to say -- you are on a plane of thought that I just can't relate to. It comes off as insane to me.

 

Ok. Well thanks for your help and advice.

[ImSuchAFool]

Sadly, you will regret it even more when history repeats itself.

 

I hadn't really thought about it this way. I guess I think of it more like if it doesn't work out, I'll have my answer. I can move on and let go. And I think I'll know quickly if its going to work or not.