He cheated, and I'm taking him back

[Leigh 87]

We dated from November 2012 until December 2013. I found out about the other girl in late September. I tried to continue dating him until December 2013, and then ended it.

 

He dated her from Jan. 2013 until June 2013 when she broke up with him because of red flags. She said she refused to talk to him for two months, he was persistent, and they dated again for about 6 weeks before she found out about me and contacted me in September.

 

 

 

 

If this guy was nuts about you, he would not have entertained this other woman.

 

Men who are madly in love don't do that.

 

You spent enough time with him to determine if YOU are that girl he is going to fall head over heels in love with.

 

Men who fall this hard for a woman tend to know VERY early on that this girl "has them bad".

 

I HAVE BEEN in your position, I GAVE a cheater another shot. IT NEVER ends well, they ALWAYS find a girl who they ARE capable of falling in love with and they leave us for them.

 

If this man is emotionally stable and healthy, and you get back with him, HE WILL find "that girl" who he DOES fall madly in love with.

 

You are NOT that girl for him, but the good news is, you ARE that girl for another guy out there.

 

Respect yourself and don't take back a cheater.

 

We are trying to warn you, a lot of us have been there or we have friends or family who have been down that route before, of taking back a cheater...

 

Either make the mistake yourself and waste years with this guy, or be free to heal and meet a guy who respects you.

 

A guy loses all respect for you once he cheats on you and you stay with him.

[Simon Phoenix]

This wasn't just a "I got drunk and made out with my best friend once on a couch" cheating. This was months and months of planned deception that would have continued had the other woman not found out and blown the whistle. I mean, I'm pretty hardcore anti-cheating, but this wasn't even remotely a mistake. This was nearly six months and would have continued for longer.

 

I mean, there are so many guys out there that wouldn't cheat on you once with a drunken makeout, much less what this guy did. But if you take him back (which you will, you are so far in la-la land that you don't know down from up at this point) and he cheats on you again (which he will), it's your fault. Because that's what you are signing up for. If you are fine with him having slampieces on the side, then that's cool. But I don't think you are.

 

Sometimes women wonder why many guys are jerks. Well, when you reward behavior like you want to, why would they not be?

[travelbug1996]

I think you should go back to him since that's what you really want to do. There's really nothing any of us can say to convince you otherwise. You know your situation and what your tolerance level is for his behavior. You sound like the "ride or die for her man" or "stand by your man even when he isn't yours" kind of person.

 

You say you love him and it sounds like you love him more than you love yourself. Self love and respect are not always easy for some women, myself included. Maybe cheating is not really that big a deal for you as some people see monogamy as unrealistic. Only you know this.

 

In situations lie this, pain is usually the great motivator to show us when the person hurting us means us no good. However, some people are addicted to emotional pain (google it). It makes people feel alive and gets us attached to unhealthy people.

 

Go back try again and come back to this thread and let us know what happened.

 

Good Luck.

[Leigh 87]

This wasn't just a "I got drunk and made out with my best friend once on a couch" cheating. This was months and months of planned deception that would have continued had the other woman not found out and blown the whistle. I mean, I'm pretty hardcore anti-cheating, but this wasn't even remotely a mistake. This was nearly six months and would have continued for longer.

 

I mean, there are so many guys out there that wouldn't cheat on you once with a drunken makeout, much less what this guy did. But if you take him back (which you will, you are so far in la-la land that you don't know down from up at this point) and he cheats on you again (which he will), it's your fault. Because that's what you are signing up for. If you are fine with him having slampieces on the side, then that's cool. But I don't think you are.

 

Sometimes women wonder why many guys are jerks. Well, when you reward behavior like you want to, why would they not be?

 

 

 

 

Yep there are so many guys who wouldn't even kiss a girl drunk.

 

Or, *gasp*, who would not even log online to a dating site and have a "texting affair" of sorts.

 

I have been with a cheater and I tried to convince myself he was in love with me for years.

 

I invite the OP to find a man who has a really good character and is anti cheating himself.

 

It feels great to have a guy who only has eyes for me! And you know, it is a VERY normal, basic thing to demand, too.

[KaliLove]

The other woman started the blog, not the wife.

 

I'm not defending him. But I don't think hating someone for posting personal information on the Internet for the world to see means that he still likes her since he's not indifferent towards her. I just don't think that's true.

 

It's really not a normal thing to post a blog when you break up. I think she's the one who is wrong. Things should be worked through privately.

 

I'm sorry I make you sad. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

 

Yeah..you are trying to justify his actions. Just because she did something wrong, it doesn't negate his disgusting behavior. He is still cheating scum. He will never change because he doesn't want to, and now that you're giving him what he wants, he'll never have to.

 

You are making a huge mistake but I don't think anything anyone here says is going to get through to you. You just have to get hurt again. Good luck.

 

PS..do you really think he's been celibate while he's been chasing you? Extremely doubtful. He's probably already got another girlfriend.

Edited April 26, 2014 by KaliLove

[lauri]

I do realize all of this is a direct result of his choices and actions. But it doesn't make hers right.

 

I'm really sorry I'm frustrating to you. I should probably log off for the night.

 

Why are you going on about HER actions? WHO CARES ABOUT HER. It's all about HIS actions.

 

You have two options: You can avoid the truth / run from it or you can accept the reality of what is going on. Honestly, you can do so much better then him. There is tons of guys in this world who would treat you 10x and with more respect. Every single thing you have posted about this guy is bad news.

 

I understand you may think there is no one else out there for you but that is not true. For a second, take away the "love" feeling you have for him. Think about it logically, is he actually a good match for you? Think about his ACTIONS (NOT WORDS) and focus on that. All of his actions show me that he will just use you and not give you the love and affection that you deserve.

 

I'm disappointed by a lot of the things I have read. You are finding excuses here and there about this whole situation - you know what you are doing is wrong but you are doing it anyways. If you didn't you wouldn't be here. You need to start to love yourself - you don't need him to feel good about yourself. You only need you. I think you can be way better then this and I think you can achieve so much more with someone who'll ENHANCE your life not make it.

Edited April 26, 2014 by lauri

[Eggplant]

OP, you're not alone. My brain has also at one point been almost entirely overrun by emotions for a logically bad choice. I can tell that that logical part of your brain is quietly in there somewhere because of your choice of username. Here's what you do:

 

 

Use this board as an anchor. Don't trust your gut feelings or intuition about this guy. Consider your mental faculty with regard to this subject temporarily out of order. Whenever you feel overwhelming emotion, read all the responses. Notice how you haven't gotten a variety of opinions here. Notice the unanimity of the posters on your thread. Acknowledge that all the posters here together without any motive against you can't all be wrong. Just read and reread. You have to hang on to this rope tight, ride out the waves of emotion. Keep rereading.

[gaius]

I think it's pretty pointless to fight against what you want. Eventually it's just going to overcome you.

 

I bet every word here hasn't dulled your desire to try again one bit.

[ThatMan]

I think one of the saddest things imaginable is living this way. Nobody deserves to live like this. What your doing is essentially akin to a battered woman walking back to the very man who repeatedly mistreats her.

 

You seem to unconditionally accept whatever the first thing he tells you. We're not even in the ballpark of being naive. Even the most inexperienced, witless, extreme recluses begin to question what's going on in their life when reality slaps them across the face.

 

Learn to identify the difference between 'I know' versus 'I believe' when going through life. You know that he's married. You know that he simultaneously pursued multiple relationships at once. Everything else you've shared is a belief based entirely around his word. Just because a man apologizes doesn't mean he feels sorry. An apology may also be an act of exercising power. Just because he points to XYZ being the reason why he isn't even single doesn't mean the excuses are remotely true.

 

That other woman who you foolishly refuse to believe has a chance of being happy in her future. Your own future is exceptionally bleak by contrast. There's just no room for reason here.

[ImSuchAFool]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

[sooshi]

No, this doesn't change anything. He cheated on you for months and you found out from the woman, not him. He should've been upfront with you, no matter how casual the dating was. Once someone cheats, it's likely they'll do it again. What if he decides he finds someone he likes better? He'll leave you for her.

[BC1980]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

 

You are coming up with all of kinds of excuses for inexcusable behavior. You say he was in a bad place after he got divorced. Okay, that's normal. However, it doesn't give him a pass to make bad decisions that hurt other people. He should have stepped away from dating if he was that bad off, so he clearly can't make a mature decision. Not a good trait in a partner.

 

People make mistakes all the time because we are human. I realize that you can't demand perfection out of a relationship or partner, but you've got to draw a line somewhere. You've got to ask yourself how bad you are willing to let him act before you decided it's enough. You need to set a higher bar for yourself, but you won't. You are convinced that you deserve this type of treatment, so go ahead and get burned again. We can't talk you out of it.

[SoleMate]

He hasn't filed yet [red flag 1] because of money [2], but his wife has a boyfriend now too [3]. They aren't together [4]. They've both moved on [5].

 

He obviously cheated [6] on both me and the other woman. But he doesn't want her [7]. He hates her now [8]. A lot [9].

 

Just a few short lines....so many red flags. I've numbered them for easy reference.

 

[1] Married man, taking not the slightest step toward divorce.

 

[2] Married man using irrational excuse for lack of divorce. Divorce filing typically costs just a few hundred dollars, far less than the money needed to remain married and carry on multiple affairs.

 

[3] Married men claiming their wives have a bf and that this supposed fact excuses his alleycat behavior are a cliche. It may not be true (red flag: lies, fabricated stupid excuses), and if it is, then it just hardens the view of him as someone with a long history and experience of cheating from all angles.

 

[4] Not together with his wife....just linked by marriage, that's all...??? A pure formality? Really?

 

[5] What evidence do you have that his wife views their marriage as being as meaningless as he does? And again, even if she does, this is supposed to reassure you and/or excuse him how?

 

[6] Obvious, untroubled cheater. Too much trouble at this point to even attempt to conceal it, and why bother?

 

[7] He "doesn't want" the OOW but spent months pursuing her and trying to dig his hands inside her pants. Either the rankest stupid lie, or evidence of extreme delusions.

 

[8] He hates the OOW. Reason? Any? A good reason? I doubt it. Probably she finally got sick of him and told him to go stuff it.

 

[9] How well deserved is this extreme hatred towards his former (???) sex partner? What did she do exactly that merits this? Is her behavior worse than his?

 

Anyhow, what the heck, go ahead and become his sex slave groupie. Why not? At this point, there aren't too many more surprises possible....you know exactly what you're getting and if you like it, that's your choice. I personally prefer my donuts frosted with chocolate rather than goat manure, but that is a personal choice and others can have different preferences.

[Echomaker]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

Bad situations are not excuses for bad behavior. But this is not something little. As others have pointed out, this was not a brief moment. If the aftermath of his marriage was so bad he had plenty of times to work it out in a much healthier way. He chose not to. He chose instead to cheat - and not once, but MANY times over several months. This is not the behavior of a man in a bad place in his life, it is the behavior of an uncaring narcissist who thinks he can get away with this crap, and you're playing right into it by not setting boundaries.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

This is completely irrelevant. It may not have started out that way, but it eventually delved into cheating.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

But he didn't. He continued to see her for months.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me. We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Reality: You cannot know what his life is truly like without you. You don't walk in his shoes, live in his world, understand his thoughts. It sounds like all he's given you are words, not action.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

 

It's possible he loves you - in his own twisted way. But as many others have said, others who have experienced this sort of trauma (myself included), this is not a healthy type of love. It is not conducive to a loving relationship.

 

No one can tell you what to do, and this decision is ultimately your own. But given everything you've revealed in this topic, you would be walking right back into a relationship full of pain and heartbreak if you go back to him.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Echomaker

[KaliLove]

Doesn't change a thing. You're still being a doormat and he's getting away with murder. You're showing him that his behavior is ok with you. You're basically giving him free reign to cheat any time he wants, and he will. Hope you get tested for STDs on a regular basis.

 

He's a scumbag. Always will be. You are worth more than a cheating, lying, piece of crap. Please walk away.

[lauri]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

 

I'm so disappointed in what you are saying.

 

You take everything he says, eat it up and believe it. He did not pull away from the other girl. You feel the way you do because you are hurt and you think you cannot get any better. If you want to settle, go ahead. Everything you wrote there did zero to change my opinion from my first post to you.

 

You keep asking this because you know deep down inside the truth and what the answer is. If he truly loved you, truly care, he would have done EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING to make sure you two stay together. Instead, he cheated on you with another girl and played both of you.

 

I've gone through some bad breakups...that gave me zero excuses to hurt other people. Never would I do what this guy has done to you to even my worse enemy. I'm dead serious.

[stillafool]

This man cannot be yours or the other womans because he is still married to his wife! Did you ask her if you can have him? It doesn't seem that you really ever went NC. You hung out where you knew he would be every weekend according to you. You really never tried to move on and forward from this situation. I don't understand the reason for your thread or what you are looking for here.

[ThatMan]

Maybe you need to suffer.

 

Sometimes there's a certain push/pull to enmeshed, unhealthy relationships like this one. Certain people think and emotionally and put all thought and reason to the curb. Right now you know what you want and nothing anyone else can say will change that. You need to suffer again before you finally experience a sense of anger. Feeling anger is probably the only way you can ever motivate yourself to make some positive changes. Maybe that will take years for you to accomplish while slowly languishing in a terrible relationship.

 

I know that nothing we say will sink in with you. I've seen this before and it's incredibly sad.

[No Limit]

I believe him.

 

Oh boy. Yes, trust the cheater.

 

Am I crazy for trying again with him?

 

Yes indeed.

 

But basically I must say you're possibly a dream-OW for currently-still-his-wife. A girl far from rational thinking ready to do the guy's bidding until a few weeks later when he cheats on you and you start drama with him which could get him to his wit's end. Proceed.

[Simon Phoenix]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

 

Absolutely not. This post pretty much proves that all we are saying is falling on deaf ears. The fact that you are so hellbent on trying to find an angle to absolve him just shows how little self-respect you have. If you really want to pursue this (it's obvious you do because you are suspending all disbelief) then do it. Maybe you have to be beaten to a pulp emotionally before you learn. But you aren't going to get anyone to validate your insanely delusional thought process on here.

[LadyM]

I know you believe he really loves you.

 

You can test that love.

 

Tell him you'll continue the relationship, but without sex until you're married.

 

His response will tell you everything you need to know about his "real love" for you.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know you believe he really loves you.

 

You can test that love.

 

Tell him you'll continue the relationship, but without sex until you're married.

 

His response will tell you everything you need to know about his "real love" for you.

 

If you are going to take him back, this would be the way. However, if this guy is able to cheat on her with multiple people and still get her to be as gaga as she is, I'm guessing it'd take very little effort by him to get her to cave on the sex thing. She seems really gullible.

[beach]

That's not very nice. I felt like a fool when I found out everything last fall. But that was 7 months ago. I dated him for another two months and ended it in December. So it's been 4 months now. He apologized a million times.

 

Why not try again?

 

Hmmm, because he's still married?!

 

And because he's a blatant cheater.

 

And because you should expect more decency - and honesty from men.

[STM206]

It's one thing if he slipped up and cheated with some random person. That alone would cause a huge dent in your trust... It's another thing when he's married, cheating on his wife with you and then cheating on both of you with someone else.

 

It's not a "oops, I messed up" scenario, it's a "I am going to play as many women as I can for my own narcassitic supply" scenario.

 

Get away from this guy, save yourself the heartache and pain. You're fighting for something that you won't ever have... Go for someone who will respect you.

[KatZee]

I read the first post, and I'm not bothering to read the subsequent 5 pages.

 

You, lady, are insane. Not crazy... literally, certifiably, INSANE to want to get back together with his person. There are no other angles to look at this situation by. There is NO EXCUSE for this behavior no matter how bad a marriage is. If a relationship is bad, you communicate. If it doesn't change, you LEAVE. End of story. Not, "ohhh I'm so miserable now I'll become a liar and a cheater, ohhhh feel so sorry for me waaaahhh." Get the hell outta here.

 

Lets also be clear here, HE IS MARRIED. There are no technicalities, "oh but he may start proceedings soon, oh they don't love each other, oh this, oh that." HE IS MARRIED. Until he provides divorce papers, he is MARRIED. End of story.

 

Not only is he married, but he then proceeded to have two girlfriends at the exact same time.

 

Not only was he cheating on you and lying to your face while you were with him, HE had no intention of ending the relationship with the other woman, the only reason you found out was because of her.

 

This guy would have strung you along for YEARS if she never came forward.

 

Not only did he cheat on you with this person, but he hasn't even stopped seeing her. Do you for one second believe he's not sleeping with her? Because he is. Guaranteed.

 

And not only this, but your name is being dragged through the mud because of this psycho.

 

Is this really the best you think you can do for yourself? A cheater, a liar, a guy with multiple lives going on at the same time? This guy is on the same level as flea feces. Where is your self-respect? Do you even love yourself at all?

 

Do you know what he's going to learn if you take him back? "I can cheat. She just comes running back."

 

You really need to wipe the slate clean here. Stop seeing him every week. Stop hanging out with him like you're his "friend." You're not. At least, you shouldn't be.

 

REMOVE YOURSELF from this toxic situation. Honestly, I'd rather date a pile of dog s.hit than this person, and for the life of me I can't understand what you see in him.

 

Drill this in your head: Everything you had with him? It was a lie. Everything you thought you were to him? It was a lie. Everything you thought he was? It was a lie. Everything about any situation you ever had with him, was a lie.

 

This is not a person of emotional maturity, someone with a moral compass, or integrity. This is a person so insecure, so emotionally stunted, and lacking in communication skills that it results in poor behavior. Do you really think that you're some magical person that's going to make him do a complete 180 and be a prince? No. He's a piece of s.hit. You can't even form a future with this person, he's legally bound to someone else!!! Do you want marriage? Kids? If you do, you're not gonna get it here, and honestly, thank God.

 

Lets for one second say that you did go back to him, he did get his divorce finalized, and he never saw his OW again. Do you really think after all that's gone on here, that you're going to have some life-long amazing relationship with him? No. When s.hit goes bad, as it WILL in long term relationships/marriages, he will resort back to his old behavior. He will cheat, he will lie, he will be a sneak. That's who he IS!

 

When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!!!

Edited April 26, 2014 by KatZee