He cheated, and I'm taking him back

[ImSuchAFool]

But you would partner yourself with a person who would involve themselves for years in this type of marriage. By itself, I might consider this clearly dysfunctional marriage forgivable if he had been through therapy and vowed to change. However, coupled with his history of cheating, I would conclude that this guy is very clearly not fit to be in a relationship at the moment.

 

You need to have better standards for yourself.

 

I agree that he wasn't ready to be n a relationship a few months ago. But he's really in a better place now.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I agree that he wasn't ready to be n a relationship a few months ago. But he's really in a better place now.

 

YEAH clearly. What a winner he is

[ImSuchAFool]

I had a friend JUST LIKE THIS in her 50s. So I'll tell you from what I saw myself.

 

This friend dated a guy for 3 years. The whole time he lied about not having a wife and one day, dumped my friend. You'd think that she would move on after that, right?

 

WRONG!

 

My friend did exactly what you're doing. She tried to get him back. It was one of the most pathetic things I ever saw in a relationship: calling him constantly, begging him to love and treat her right, meanwhile I was there at her request taking the brunt of the abuse that he caused. I dropped out of her life faster than the Broncos dropping the Super Bowl.

 

That's why I know you won't listen to reason. You have what I call "Elephant in the Room" Syndrome. Chances are you're so used to men fawning over you, you dumping guys left and right to feel like you're in control and that you're desirable, when the ONE GUY drops you, your ego goes into super defense mode and you block out all reason in an effort to feed your starving ego that his rejection, out of your control, took away from you.

 

Cool the ego, Einstein. Don't ask us for advice if you're going to be a fool about it. That's like being handed a sword and then throwing it away cause you like taking abuse. If you're into BDSM, that's your thing, but don't expect us to save you.

 

In short, the only reason you say you love him is because you're not used to, nor can you comprehend, the fact that somewhere out there, someone can live without you and be perfectly fine. Honestly, with the way you are, I wouldn't commit to your ass too. Why?

 

You, like my friend, expected a married, cheating man to respect you and be loyal to you, when he wasn't even loyal to his wife. You think you're going to be that special Cinderella that gets the glass slipper and marries him for life. Well, for one, those Disney movies are bull****. No one tells of the nasty divorce that Cinderella and the Prince got after he found out what she looked like in rags.

 

In other words, to quote Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."

 

Drop the act, Casanova. My friend is extremely miserable cause of this. Why? Cause it was never love.

 

Some women literally think that the best thing in the world is landing a man that every girl wants. They want to feel like, compared to other women, they tamed the beast that they said couldn't be tamed. You are one of those delusioned women who are intoxicated with the chase of taming the bad boy.

 

The problem with trying to land their version of the Alpha Male is that it's pure instinct. She's expecting kids, a steady life and married from a guy who clearly doesn't know the first meaning of the word "Commitment." You wanna chase him? Fine. But don't pretend it's everlasting love. Want a reference? Ask Tori Spelling, the woman that stole Mary Jo's then-husband, and is miserable cause he's done the same to her.

 

This is all about your shattered ego with your low self-esteem that can't handle the truth: Somewhere, out there, is someone who doesn't want to get in your pants every chance they get.

 

That's a reality everyone has to deal with. Get over yourself. Learn to love yourself. Take it from a guy.

 

Any woman who treats herself so easy for a cheat is branded as a slut.

 

And no man commits to a slut.

 

The truth has been spoken. You're going to stick your hand in the fire regardless. Your ego is too bruised.

 

But don't dare pretend what you're feeling is love, cause it's not. Love doesn't hurt, lie, or steal the right to fairness. But ego sure as hell does.

 

"Love is an action, not a feeling. That's the difference between love and attraction."

You write this like you know me. You don't know anything about me. I haven't chased or pursued him at all since all this went down. He has been pursuing me, and has been persistent. I've had three serious long term relationships n my life. I don't need attention from guys and I don't have an ego. I just found someone I connect with and love. And I believe he made a really bad mistake. But I also believe people can change.

[ImSuchAFool]

Try to remember how you feel, the moment you take a decision. I honestly hate the feeling of 'what if', but I think that you need to live your life without regrets.

 

Should you decide to take this man again, remember how you feel in that exact same moment... If you feel happy, go ahead, and live your new relationship like that. I have a cousin that cheated his 2 year girlfriend with an ex-girlfriend, he even went on to asking the ex-girlfriend to marry him!...

Not gonna bother you with details, but that engagement did not work very well, they didn't marry, and after some time, he starting dating the 2 year girlfriend again and now they're together and happy as ever (They've been together now for 3 years). We all know here that, by these facts, my cousin was a dickhead and cheated in the worst possible way, his actual girlfriend, and that she is, in reality, a fool. Now, I know that this story is like 0.5% in the whole world, and that we can't know if it's going to work in the long run. My point is that, should you decide to get back together, you need to start over and try to build the trust up.. I want to be perfectly clear on this... it's not impossible, but it's going to be hard as hell... ask yourself this... Would you like to have access to his e-mail? Are you going to be checking his cell-phone, while he is on the shower? Deep down you know, you're gonna want to know, and I don't think its very healthy if that is the case. Admit it, you're gonna want to know.

 

Now, the other option is, you don't take him back and you ask him politely to dig a hole and go live there. I know this too would be hard for you, since you're still saying, 'I still love him'. Now, this is the option that most people here are advising you to do it, and the main reason is, that we here in this forum, are sure that 'the one' doesn't exist, but there are many 'ones' in our lives, simply because that there are 7 billion people in the world, and it's impossible to have just one match. You can, and possibly will find, a man that's gonna care for you and love you, like your actual guy, without all the complications from your current situation, no ex-wives, no cheating (Not all men are cheaters), etc. He will have some complications, but you're gonna learn to live with them.

 

Now, both options are equally scary. I'm not going to say to you, 'take him back' or 'dump him, he's a cheater'... Simply because I don't know you, just like the people from this forum. You're gonna have to do this on your own. We are here to support you an be supported in our own cases, and rest assured, that whatever decision you take, we're gonna be here to support you. If you get cheated again, people get to say to you 'we told you so, now don't cry and pick yourself up', and if you get to live happily ever after people will say 'well, you're lucky because your case didn't look like it was gonna go the distance'.

 

My personal opinion is... no regrets, whatever you choose to do, back that decision completely. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thank you so much for this post. It means so much to me.

[Natsume21]

I agree that he wasn't ready to be n a relationship a few months ago. But he's really in a better place now.

 

Suppose this guy died the next day. Supposed he was paralyzed from the penis down...suppose dude was flat broke, poor, homeless, and NO woman, not even his wife, was checking him? Would you be interested?

 

My guess is that the money wouldn't matter to you. But it seems all you see "Imafool" is that this woman supposedly "stole" your man.

 

You treat this man like he's your property and that no one else should have him.

 

You seem to care more that you're taking him "back" from this woman than you do about him as a person.

 

Or else you'd realize that he hasn't made any real progress in doing anything to change it.

 

I don't know what your definition of "love" is, but you sound like you like abuse.

 

We didn't come on here when you asked us for help just to tell you what you want to hear. The reason you POSTED in the first place was because deep down, you know what you're doing isn't right, but you want him SO bad, you feel like you're never gonna feel this high again, that all you want to hear is someone here fully supporting you. You just need that ONE person to validate that you're gonna take him back.

 

Not going to happen. Do what you want to do. Sometimes people confuse love with desperation.

 

Good luck. Cause trust me, after he's done with you, you're gonna need it.

[ImSuchAFool]

I'm not sure the OP is going to come back..we may have scared her off.

 

I'm here. Just had a busy day at work.

[ImSuchAFool]

ImSuchAFool, if you're going to do this, you want to make sure of a few things. You need to be in individual counselling, so does he, and you both need to attend counselling together.

 

You also need to ensure that you have a strong network of friends and family around you, that are going to be very willing to forgive you when you come to them with the news that this has failed (sorry, but it will).

 

Also, someone suggested no sex before commitment - I'm normally not an advocate of that, but this is a situation that definitely warrants it.

 

I believe that you are setting yourself up for a major fall. The least you could do is make sure there is a framework in place to catch you.

 

Thanks tdmnp. I'm not one to forget my family and friends when I date someone. I have a very strong support system.

[KatZee]

So just take him back already. I don't know why you're continuing this thread close to 10 pages long just to refute everyone's advice and be so bullheaded about what EVERYONE is saying.

 

You already know what you're going to do, you just want someone to agree with you. No one here is going to agree with you. Just go do it and learn the hard way.

[Natsume21]

You write this like you know me. You don't know anything about me. I haven't chased or pursued him at all since all this went down. He has been pursuing me, and has been persistent. I've had three serious long term relationships n my life. I don't need attention from guys and I don't have an ego. I just found someone I connect with and love. And I believe he made a really bad mistake. But I also believe people can change.

 

Oh yeah?

 

Newsflash, sweetheart, everyone of us who is on here has probably thought the same thing...and everyone of us wanted to be the exception, not the rule.

 

You're trying to vie for said exception, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I believe people can change too. However, they usually 1. Go through something seriously traumatic that causes them to open their eyes. 2. Literally hit rock bottom. It's like a child. Children hear all the time not to do this or that, but do they listen? No, not until they see the consequence of their decision do they comply.

 

In my opinion, it's the same with a person in a relationship. How is one going to respect you if you automatically take them back. When he returned, did you give him a hard time? NO!

 

You opened your arms to him. That sends him a message saying "Hey, it was THAT easy. After I cheated on you, lied to you, used you? You're so forgiving that you're gonna let me get away from mentally hurting you. You're such a doormat. Cheating is gonna be a breeze now!"

 

You just turned yourself into a doormat. And doormats aren't meant to be respect. Just wiped on. If you're the exception to the rule, then you got an extremely small chance of that happening.

 

You haven't shown him your value. All you are, is an option.

 

And the way you let him back in, you think you're being nice, and you have good intentions, I don't fault you on that in the slightest.

 

But there is a huge difference in kindness, and weakness.

 

I let my ex walk all over me thinking that she was going to change if I showed kindness. I showed too much kindness. The only time she responded was when I was showing her I was moving on without her. She got scared her meal ticket was leaving and got in line right quick, till the man she liked decided to commit and she dropped me.

 

You're going to go to him regardless, but stop expecting him to respect you...if you can't respect yourself.

 

If you like being a doormat, that's your thing. Just don't be surprised when he walks all over you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Oh yeah?

 

Newsflash, sweetheart, everyone of us who is on here has probably thought the same thing...and everyone of us wanted to be the exception, not the rule.

 

You're trying to vie for said exception, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I believe people can change too. However, they usually 1. Go through something seriously traumatic that causes them to open their eyes. 2. Literally hit rock bottom. It's like a child. Children hear all the time not to do this or that, but do they listen? No, not until they see the consequence of their decision do they comply.

 

In my opinion, it's the same with a person in a relationship. How is one going to respect you if you automatically take them back. When he returned, did you give him a hard time? NO!

 

You opened your arms to him. That sends him a message saying "Hey, it was THAT easy. After I cheated on you, lied to you, used you? You're so forgiving that you're gonna let me get away from mentally hurting you. You're such a doormat. Cheating is gonna be a breeze now!"

 

You just turned yourself into a doormat. And doormats aren't meant to be respect. Just wiped on. If you're the exception to the rule, then you got an extremely small chance of that happening.

 

You haven't shown him your value. All you are, is an option.

 

And the way you let him back in, you think you're being nice, and you have good intentions, I don't fault you on that in the slightest.

 

But there is a huge difference in kindness, and weakness.

 

I let my ex walk all over me thinking that she was going to change if I showed kindness. I showed too much kindness. The only time she responded was when I was showing her I was moving on without her. She got scared her meal ticket was leaving and got in line right quick, till the man she liked decided to commit and she dropped me.

 

You're going to go to him regardless, but stop expecting him to respect you...if you can't respect yourself.

 

If you like being a doormat, that's your thing. Just don't be surprised when he walks all over you.

 

This is the truest post in the..what 10 pages now? Wow!

 

OP, just do it, but don't be shocked when the advice in the past 9 pages turns out to be right.

[KaliLove]

So just take him back already. I don't know why you're continuing this thread close to 10 pages long just to refute everyone's advice and be so bullheaded about what EVERYONE is saying.

 

You already know what you're going to do, you just want someone to agree with you. No one here is going to agree with you. Just go do it and learn the hard way.

 

This, times a thousand.

[Natsume21]

You said the guy was patient and persistent, right?

 

You wanna know if he truly loves you or not? If you are so sure, run this test immediately.

 

Tell him to give you access to his phone, his computer, all his emails, etc. For a month, you monitor who he talks to, where he's going, and what he does.

 

Sounds harsh? Well guess what? You're going to be worried about what he's doing REGARDLESS. If you trusted him, you wouldn't have posted here for feedback. You posted here cause you love him(so you say) but you DON'T trust him.

 

Watch how he answers. If he's taken aback and starts making excuses, he isn't sincere. If he goes through with it, if he starts resenting you for it, that means he isn't sincere.

 

Has it occurred to you that all you are is just a backup plan?

 

Noticed that he came back when he HAD no other options. I'm sure you noticed or else you wouldn't question it. He didn't just wake up one day with wifey in bed and say "This is wrong, I'm going to go back to you cause I love Fool, not this woman."

 

Nope, she split, you were around, so he chased you. Simple.

 

What happens if he gets bored? Or someone else catches his interests and she returns the favor?

 

Wake up and smell the roasted coffee. You're an option. You taught him nothing about his actions having consequences. You just assume that "he had a bad year." But while you were in a corner crying your eyes out after having your heart ripped out of your chest by the man that was supposed to love you for better and worse, where was he? In bed with his hot new girl, living it up and not giving a damn.

 

You never got over him, clearly when you should have, cause the only real change that a man like him would really make is when every woman he did wrong leaves him in the cold.

 

You reward his behavior like a doggy treat to a dog that just pooped in your bed. And you wonder WHY GUYS ARE JERKS?

 

Cause women like you reward it, while the decent guys get shafted.

 

"Behind every player, is a woman that made him that way."

Edited April 29, 2014 by Natsume21

[beach]

You will be treated according to what you allow.

 

I wish you would stop allowing unacceptable behavior to be acceptable for yourself.

 

Connection or not - no one is worth losing your self respect and dignity over, no one.

[tdmnp]

Thanks tdmnp. I'm not one to forget my family and friends when I date someone. I have a very strong support system.

 

No, you misunderstand me. What I'm saying is, this probably isn't going to work out. I believe that people can change too, but I believe that this guy will hurt you again. What I'm saying it, the pain will be excruciating, so you'd better have a really strong support system, and not just family, to make sure that you can get through it. Because this kind of thing can break you.

[Natsume21]

For heaven's sake. You're 44 years old with 3 kids.

 

I seriously thought you were just a young 20 something woman, and for that I was gonna give you some slack.

 

But you're in your 40s acting like an immature, lovesick teenager who is so hell-bent on stealing a married woman's man that you disregard how your kids are going to be affected by this. You're their hero, their guardian, the person they look up to.

 

But instead, you're acting so selfish and emotional that you're teaching your kids, especially daughters, that it's okay for a man to treat you like crap, leave you, and then keep you around till he leaves you again.

 

You're not teaching these kids independence, strength, and integrity. Your actions directly tell these kids, ESPECIALLY your daughters, that the only thing you need in life is a man to take care of you.

 

^Indirectly, your refusal to stand up for yourself is giving your children an example of what they have to do to get by and be accepted in life. They might end up like you and then they will hurt someone the way YOU are hurting now.

 

Get it together. You have no sympathy from me. Childish games go out the door when kids are involved. They are innocent in all of this!

[Zahara]

OP's situation isn't unique. It's textbook. I have three girlfriends who have all at some point in their lives been in the same situation. All three in their 40's. They all thought they were all special. Same cycles. Married cheating men. The moment they're caught, they pursue you hard. Why wouldn't they? A woman that tolerates cheating is a gift. They get you back, the conquest is over, you become boring, and soon enough it's time too seek a new thrill. If you were all that, there would be no need to cheat on you. His wife wasn't enough, you weren't enough and the other woman wasn't enough. It's an ingrained pattern. It's not love. It's just their toxic nature.

 

As for my friends. Low self-esteem. And worth. Stupidity. No woman would be in her right mind if she would tolerate and accept a married man cheating on his wife with OW1, OW2....

 

OP, just go back to him. You won't find the support you need here. You'll have to learn the hard way.

[Natsume21]

I would like to ask everyone here to look at it from a different point of view and let me know if your opinions change.

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later.

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before.

 

Does any of this change your mind, or do you still think we really don't have a chance. I really do believe he loves me.

 

I don't know. Let's play the scenario game! Let me see if your rebuttals against our logic stack up in the reality game.

 

Let's start

 

He was just getting out of a bad marriage, and was in a bad place. I'm also divorced and remember how terrible that first year is. Some of the decisions I made at that time weren't great. He is in a much, much better place a year and a half later. What actions has he shown to prove that? More importantly, what actions has he shown specifically to you that he's willing to be in a healthy, monogamous relationship with you? Maybe the reason his marriage was bad was because he was sleeping around and lying to everyone. Ever considered that?

 

He started pursuing both me and the other woman at the same time. It didn't start out as cheating, he was just casually dating both of us. You two deserve each other, cause you're actually LYING to yourself. You just said you were in a relationship with him, and even if you weren't, if he was casual dating, why is that a problem for you? Casual dating means you are okay with anyone else in the picture, which, clearly you voice you aren't(but your actions say otherwise) If you're gonna try to convince yourself, at least come up with something valid.

 

He decided he liked me better, which is why he started to pull away from the other girl. Are you proud of yourself? You feel so proud that you "snagged" him from another woman? You feel proud that he left you to do the same to you that he did to the other woman? Sounds like you care more about stealing him away from anyone else than you do about the actual concept of love. I'm starting to think YOU'RE THE IMMATURE one here.

 

I did take a break from him to let him see what his life is like without me. Yeah, a break he used to sleep with other women while you cried in a corner hoping he'd come back. Please, you're not fooling anyone. Sounds like he broke up with you and you're trying to sugarcoat it.

 

We missed each other. I've been married, and was in a long term relationship for five years after that, and have never felt this type of connection/love with someone before. Can someone check the circuitry on this chick's brain? I think her connection might be faulty. Reality check: You missed him. He was perfectly fine to go with another woman, not even coming to you till the other woman wised up and dropped him like a hot potato. You sound like the type of woman who can't DEAL with a stable guy cause he bores you. My friend, in her 50's is turned off by stable guys and loves, and I kid you not, MARRIED MEN. It's like the drama provides some kind of validation that they are desired and wanted. Low-self esteem at it's finest.

 

It's hard to describe your frame of mind, but from what someone who saw a woman do this, the patterns were clear. They went after extremely financially stable married playboys, all with the intent of being the one who will tame him and be the one that he changes for. They get an extreme adrenaline high knowing that out of all the girls in the ball, Prince Charming went with her. I came up with a term for it "Cinderella Syndrome"

 

Your fairy-tale mentality where, with enough hope, you can live happily ever after amid all the drama is tantamount to a serious mental disorder.

 

Sounds like stability bores you and you subconsciously crave drama. I feel so sorry for the kids that the only example they have for what love should be comes from a woman who doesn't know the first thing about the world.

 

You come to us asking for a stable, loving, marriage, but you want that out of a guy who is selfish, narcissistic, and uncaring towards your feelings. If you want to act like a doormat, that's your business.

 

But stop trying to convince us or anyone else. You've got some serious issues to work on cause your desires go completely against your action.

 

You're wanting to be treated as a lady but you're acting like a mistress. That's right, you're nothing but a plaything he went back to when the new Iphone he wanted wasn't being sold to him. You're a prepaid phone in his eyes to bide the time.

 

No person in their right mind respects a mistress. We shame and laugh at them.

 

Not to mention the SHEER disrespect you're showing his wife. You want him to be loyal to you, but you're being part of his little game where his wife is the one that suffers, without any consideration to her feelings. That makes you just as selfish as he is. If you cared about how he treated women, you wouldn't be one of the reasons why his wife is crying. You'd be an example on how a woman deserves better. But no, you only care that he's yours, yours, yours!

 

So either woman up, or stop asking people for sympathy, cause truly, the only sympathy I'll give from a 44 year-old woman with kids, is the kids who have to look into your eyes and ask mommy "Mommy, why are you crying? Who is hurting you? Please be okay mommy."

 

Mommy isn't okay kids. Mommy, at this stage, is far from okay.

Edited April 29, 2014 by Natsume21

[ScaredAlien2]

Jesus people give the girl a break. Berating her and telling her she's an idiot is not what LS is about. ****ing support people, if it doesn't make sense, say your part and move on. Advice is advice, some take it other don't. Who cares!!!!

 

This place is about helping each other out in dark times, not making people feel like **** for wanting to give it another go. Each of us has probably done just that!! How would you feel??

 

Yea it didn't work out, but may, just maybe it will in OPs case.

 

I don't like the tone this thread has taken and wanted to share that.

[Natsume21]

^We're not going to sugarcoat it.

 

Sorry, but sugarcoating never helped us out any. Name one instance that you know personally where a situation like this ended happily?

[KaliLove]

Jesus people give the girl a break. Berating her and telling her she's an idiot is not what LS is about. ****ing support people, if it doesn't make sense, say your part and move on. Advice is advice, some take it other don't. Who cares!!!!

 

This place is about helping each other out in dark times, not making people feel like **** for wanting to give it another go. Each of us has probably done just that!! How would you feel??

 

Yea it didn't work out, but may, just maybe it will in OPs case.

 

I don't like the tone this thread has taken and wanted to share that.

 

Have you read everything?

 

OP is 44. She has 3 children. Her ex is still married. He cheated on his wife. He also cheated on her. He didn't tell her until his other woman got sick of him and ratted him out.

 

There is no way..I mean literally no possible way..this will work out. People were nice at the beginning but OP literally fights us on every little detail and asks the same questions over and over again. We gave her a break. She fought with us. It's time for tough love.

 

It won't work out. I guarantee it. And she's teaching her children a very very poor lesson.

[ScaredAlien2]

Have you read everything?

 

OP is 44. She has 3 children. Her ex is still married. He cheated on his wife. He also cheated on her. He didn't tell her until his other woman got sick of him and ratted him out.

 

There is no way..I mean literally no possible way..this will work out. People were nice at the beginning but OP literally fights us on every little detail and asks the same questions over and over again. We gave her a break. She fought with us. It's time for tough love.

 

It won't work out. I guarantee it. And she's teaching her children a very very poor lesson.

Meh just my 2 cents, still think it's a bit harsh.

[KaliLove]

Meh just my 2 cents, still think it's a bit harsh.

 

Kids > Cheating Boyfriend. Always.

[WildWest]

Follow your heart people can change. I know plenty of people that have been cheated on and have stronger and more meaningful relationship. Just make sure it's what you won't and not him. You only life once. If you give him another chance make sure it's legit.

[Leigh 87]

Follow your heart people can change. I know plenty of people that have been cheated on and have stronger and more meaningful relationship. Just make sure it's what you won't and not him. You only life once. If you give him another chance make sure it's legit.

 

 

 

Men who are HEAD over heels, totally in love with a woman DO NOT do this to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The men who TOTALLY love and adore and cherish their woman DO NOT CHEAT ON HER.

 

They do not NEED to pick between two (or was it 3?) women, because with a woman a man is utterly in love with is CLEAR WINNER.

 

Good god.

[Simon Phoenix]

Meh just my 2 cents, still think it's a bit harsh.

 

This isn't kindergarten. You don't get a participation ribbon for just showing up. I mean, c'mon dude.