He cheated, and I'm taking him back

[ImSuchAFool]

Can any of you remember if anyone that has posted here did give a cheater a second chance and it worked out long term?

[KaliLove]

So if he has another bad year, it's ok if he cheats again?

[ImSuchAFool]

So if he has another bad year, it's ok if he cheats again?

 

No, of course not. But that's a good point.

[KaliLove]

No, of course not. But that's a good point.

 

Would you want one of your kids to be with someone who cheated on them?

[ImSuchAFool]

Would you want one of your kids to be with someone who cheated on them?

 

No. But I do believe each circumstance is very individual. It's not always black and white.

[KaliLove]

No. But I do believe each circumstance is very individual. It's not always black and white.

 

So if your daughter (if you have one) came to you and said, 'mom, my ex is still married, he cheated on his wife, and he's been cheating on me for months, and the only reason I know is because the other woman got tired of his nonsense and told me..he didn't bother telling me himself and he would have continued cheating if he hadn't been caught. Do you think I should be with him?'

 

What would you tell her?

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Can any of you remember if anyone that has posted here did give a cheater a second chance and it worked out long term?

 

Not a cheater that juggled a wife and two women in the same year. Hell, doesn't sound like a bad year at all to me.

[Leigh 87]

We don't want kids together. We are both 44. We both already have 3 kids each from our previous marriages. The other woman is 35. She doesn't have kids yet, although she told me when we spoke that she wanted them.

 

And yes, I think if someone realizes their mistake, realizes how much they hurt the other person, has true remorse and really loves the other person, I do think a happy ending is possible. I think mature adults work through problems, and communication is key. We've become really good at that.

 

 

 

 

Mature adult men do not cheat on women they are madly in love with.

 

Plain and simple.

 

Do you honestly think that a true Romeo and Juliet story, whereby the man is utterly CRAZY, , totally head over heels for a woman he has only met once because the chemistry and intensity of their connection is truly EARTH SHATTERING..

 

Do you THINK a man like this ^^^ would cheat on the woman he was undyingly, HEAD OVER HEELS, totally NUTS about?

 

Really, I'm_a_fool?

 

YOU TRULY believe that a man who is absolutely crazy in love will cheat?

 

Do you think the men in this world who are THE MOST crazy in love, have cheated on their loves?

 

Unless a man is emotionally unhealthy or stunted, he WILL NEVER cheat on a woman who turns his world upside down, in a good way, JUST via meeting her once....

[lauri]

I can tell you that if you read this forum on a consistent basis, you would understand exactly why everyone is telling you what they are.

 

Look, I know you are not going to listen to any of us. I have had a friend who's father did what your ex did to his mom...he cared only about himself and played multiple women at once. The saddest part was I ran into him 3-4 times over a year, each time with a different woman. He tried to always spin it like he was the victim until his mom told the girls what was really going on during the divorce.

 

In terms of cheating, I have taken back someone temporarly. She continued to do things behind my back and one of my friends caught her with another guy. The lesson I learned was by taking her back she thought she could get away with anything.

 

You're going to go through a lot of rough times with this guy. I think you have to pretned that you kids were saying the same things you are. With cheating to me, it always is black and white. You are so much better then this and you know it.

[Raena]

You really need to read my back story...

 

I was just as foolish as you and believed it would work out... that he was the man for me...

 

IT DIDN'T and it was a long painful process for me to find out the truth.

 

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!!!!

 

He's a cheater... cheated on his wife, cheated on you, cheated on the other other woman... this guy is a real piece of work.

 

I don't care how bad his year has been... you need to look at yourself and realize that you deserve better than this!

 

Seriously! Don't go convincing yourself that the feelings you have for him will compensate for his inability to make sound logical choices... EVER. He WILL DO THE SAME TO YOU! He already has!

 

I made the same stupid choice and didn't listen to countless people who tried to convince me differently... but I will definitely tell you I TOLD YOU SO when you come back here years down the road telling how he treated you horribly and cheated on you.

 

End the relationship with him... for good... cut him off and get away from him. Don't even try to be "friends" with him.... get him gone out of your life.. he is toxic and you don't even see it because you are so blinded by your feelings for him.

[Leigh 87]

No. But I do believe each circumstance is very individual. It's not always black and white.

 

 

Yes it is.

 

Men who are totally smitten with a girl don't look elsewhere.

 

Men who are truly IN love, do not cheat.

 

Some women get boyfriends who only have eyes for us from day one. We then go on to marry men who never wanted to stray and it is SO MUCH BETTER then what you will ever have with this cheater.

 

I have never had to worry about my boyfriend looking at other women, and sorry but if we are to marry one day, it will be SO much better than marrying a dude who had sex with another women while we were dating.

 

 

 

If I had married my cheating ex, and let me tell you, I LOVED his personality and I could have been around him all day every day and still enjoyed laughing so much with him...

 

.....Had I MARRIED him though, I KNEW it would never be complete, whole, "healthy" to me..... It would never have been a proper marriage in my eyes, since HE cheated when so many of my friends married men who only had eyes for them from day one.

[Leigh 87]

Such_a_fool, please just listen to me.

 

I am sure you are a beautiful, lovely woman who has a lot of love to give a man. PLENTY of men would love to have you and they would never dream of cheating on you.

 

When a man meets "the one", the centre of his universe as he knew it, shifts. His whole thought process naturally revolves around HER; being with her, thinking about her constantly (albeit in a healthy manner so he can still get some work done:lmao:), he would never do anything to hurt the one he is truly falling for.

 

I am a woman (last time I checked:lmao:) and I am an only child; my parents moved overseas when I was a child, leaving me to be looked after with family friends. I am selfish, don't like hanging around people much (despite having close friends who I love), and until age 24, I saw NO use for adult relationships with the opposite sex. I thought humans were not naturally monogamous. I didn't want to knowingly stick with a man in the hope it would be "forever"... Then when I started to meet men, once I felt something "special" with a given man, I would.... want to be with them.

All of a sudden, my life naturally shifted around wanting to be with them in any capacity, at the cost of my beliefs. I have a high sex drive and didn't want to limit myself to one man for life or even for years as a matter of fact, the idea sickened me! But yeah... The second I met a man I was truly into, all that went out the window, there was no way I would risk losing what I had with these men for my own gratification; not that I even WANTED to be intimate with another man. Once you find "that person" you just don't cheat on them, IF you are emotionally healthy and have a normal degree of empathy.

 

What I have seen in MANY men is: they find women they really "like". Sexy, cool, intelligent, they love being with this woman. They don't, however, have a "deep love" connection. They do not feel that earth shattering, inexplicable drive to want to be with this woman at all costs. They put out the illusion that they are in love with this woman when really, they are not IN love by any stretch of the imagination and, it is usually clear as day when a man is NOT in love with you in the deepest sense....

 

I have been told these exact words almost to a T by men. These men were no poets, they were realist, too. They were not writing poems for their women, believe me... They were just speaking from a place of knowing, from their own truth that sounded all corny.

Edited April 28, 2014 by Leigh 87

[BC1980]

NO, but I would never agree to it either.

 

But you would partner yourself with a person who would involve themselves for years in this type of marriage. By itself, I might consider this clearly dysfunctional marriage forgivable if he had been through therapy and vowed to change. However, coupled with his history of cheating, I would conclude that this guy is very clearly not fit to be in a relationship at the moment.

 

You need to have better standards for yourself.

[BC1980]

No. But I do believe each circumstance is very individual. It's not always black and white.

 

In general, yes, I agree with this statement. However, in this situation, it is black and white. You need to leave him, and never look back. Like I said before, you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. You aren't bound to give someone a second chance.

[KaliLove]

Look, OP, you have pages and pages of responses. It's completely unanimous here that your ex is a sleazy piece of crap and that this relationship is not going to work out long term. Your justifications and arguments are not going to change anyone's mind. There's no point in continuing to ask the same questions over and over again. You're going to do what you're going to do despite what anyone tells you, that's obvious.

 

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're in love with a creep. I wish you the best of luck. You're welcome to come back when things go badly..people will be around to comfort you.

[Echomaker]

No. But I do believe each circumstance is very individual. It's not always black and white.

 

I don't often post here, but I've lurked on these forums for some time now. The stories you read here, and the advice given in response, are the combined experiences of perhaps hundreds of individuals. These experiences are extremely similar if you take the time to read through them.

 

There is not much more that anyone can say at this point. Do what you feel is right, but you won't convince any of us this is anywhere close to a good idea.

[Natsume21]

He cheated on me. For months. I found out when the other woman contacted me. He had a relationship with each of us at the same time.

 

I tried to make it work and forgive him for a few months after I found everything out. I tried so hard because I like him so much. But I couldn't move passed it and ended things. That was in December.

 

I've seen him every week since then because we have mutual friends and we all hang out once a week. At times he has tried to make things seem like they were when we were dating, but I asked him to stop and he did.

 

Recently I've been entertaining the idea of trying again. I actually think I'm going too. I really love this man. He is still just legally separated from his wife (different from the other woman), but I think they are starting the process soon.

 

He still sees the other woman because they work together, and for awhile she was reaching out to me non stop. Every once in awhile she will reach out again, but it's sporadic. She started a terrible blog about him and his lies, and mentions me in it by name, which is upsetting. In it she says they slept together a few months ago, but he swears its not true. I believe him. She is the main reason I am hesitating getting back with him.

 

The is a very short description of my life and dilemma at the moment. Am I crazy for trying again with him?

 

I had a friend JUST LIKE THIS in her 50s. So I'll tell you from what I saw myself.

 

This friend dated a guy for 3 years. The whole time he lied about not having a wife and one day, dumped my friend. You'd think that she would move on after that, right?

 

WRONG!

 

My friend did exactly what you're doing. She tried to get him back. It was one of the most pathetic things I ever saw in a relationship: calling him constantly, begging him to love and treat her right, meanwhile I was there at her request taking the brunt of the abuse that he caused. I dropped out of her life faster than the Broncos dropping the Super Bowl.

 

That's why I know you won't listen to reason. You have what I call "Elephant in the Room" Syndrome. Chances are you're so used to men fawning over you, you dumping guys left and right to feel like you're in control and that you're desirable, when the ONE GUY drops you, your ego goes into super defense mode and you block out all reason in an effort to feed your starving ego that his rejection, out of your control, took away from you.

 

Cool the ego, Einstein. Don't ask us for advice if you're going to be a fool about it. That's like being handed a sword and then throwing it away cause you like taking abuse. If you're into BDSM, that's your thing, but don't expect us to save you.

 

In short, the only reason you say you love him is because you're not used to, nor can you comprehend, the fact that somewhere out there, someone can live without you and be perfectly fine. Honestly, with the way you are, I wouldn't commit to your ass too. Why?

 

You, like my friend, expected a married, cheating man to respect you and be loyal to you, when he wasn't even loyal to his wife. You think you're going to be that special Cinderella that gets the glass slipper and marries him for life. Well, for one, those Disney movies are bull****. No one tells of the nasty divorce that Cinderella and the Prince got after he found out what she looked like in rags.

 

In other words, to quote Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means."

 

Drop the act, Casanova. My friend is extremely miserable cause of this. Why? Cause it was never love.

 

Some women literally think that the best thing in the world is landing a man that every girl wants. They want to feel like, compared to other women, they tamed the beast that they said couldn't be tamed. You are one of those delusioned women who are intoxicated with the chase of taming the bad boy.

 

The problem with trying to land their version of the Alpha Male is that it's pure instinct. She's expecting kids, a steady life and married from a guy who clearly doesn't know the first meaning of the word "Commitment." You wanna chase him? Fine. But don't pretend it's everlasting love. Want a reference? Ask Tori Spelling, the woman that stole Mary Jo's then-husband, and is miserable cause he's done the same to her.

 

This is all about your shattered ego with your low self-esteem that can't handle the truth: Somewhere, out there, is someone who doesn't want to get in your pants every chance they get.

 

That's a reality everyone has to deal with. Get over yourself. Learn to love yourself. Take it from a guy.

 

Any woman who treats herself so easy for a cheat is branded as a slut.

 

And no man commits to a slut.

 

The truth has been spoken. You're going to stick your hand in the fire regardless. Your ego is too bruised.

 

But don't dare pretend what you're feeling is love, cause it's not. Love doesn't hurt, lie, or steal the right to fairness. But ego sure as hell does.

 

"Love is an action, not a feeling. That's the difference between love and attraction."

Edited April 28, 2014 by Natsume21

[Maverick89]

Try to remember how you feel, the moment you take a decision. I honestly hate the feeling of 'what if', but I think that you need to live your life without regrets.

 

Should you decide to take this man again, remember how you feel in that exact same moment... If you feel happy, go ahead, and live your new relationship like that. I have a cousin that cheated his 2 year girlfriend with an ex-girlfriend, he even went on to asking the ex-girlfriend to marry him!...

Not gonna bother you with details, but that engagement did not work very well, they didn't marry, and after some time, he starting dating the 2 year girlfriend again and now they're together and happy as ever (They've been together now for 3 years). We all know here that, by these facts, my cousin was a dickhead and cheated in the worst possible way, his actual girlfriend, and that she is, in reality, a fool. Now, I know that this story is like 0.5% in the whole world, and that we can't know if it's going to work in the long run. My point is that, should you decide to get back together, you need to start over and try to build the trust up.. I want to be perfectly clear on this... it's not impossible, but it's going to be hard as hell... ask yourself this... Would you like to have access to his e-mail? Are you going to be checking his cell-phone, while he is on the shower? Deep down you know, you're gonna want to know, and I don't think its very healthy if that is the case. Admit it, you're gonna want to know.

 

Now, the other option is, you don't take him back and you ask him politely to dig a hole and go live there. I know this too would be hard for you, since you're still saying, 'I still love him'. Now, this is the option that most people here are advising you to do it, and the main reason is, that we here in this forum, are sure that 'the one' doesn't exist, but there are many 'ones' in our lives, simply because that there are 7 billion people in the world, and it's impossible to have just one match. You can, and possibly will find, a man that's gonna care for you and love you, like your actual guy, without all the complications from your current situation, no ex-wives, no cheating (Not all men are cheaters), etc. He will have some complications, but you're gonna learn to live with them.

 

Now, both options are equally scary. I'm not going to say to you, 'take him back' or 'dump him, he's a cheater'... Simply because I don't know you, just like the people from this forum. You're gonna have to do this on your own. We are here to support you an be supported in our own cases, and rest assured, that whatever decision you take, we're gonna be here to support you. If you get cheated again, people get to say to you 'we told you so, now don't cry and pick yourself up', and if you get to live happily ever after people will say 'well, you're lucky because your case didn't look like it was gonna go the distance'.

 

My personal opinion is... no regrets, whatever you choose to do, back that decision completely. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited April 28, 2014 by Maverick89

[JohnMcClaine]

What would you say if one of your children was in a relationship similar to your relationship with this man? This is a horrible example to set for your kids.

 

Is it cold in here? Or is it just me?

[KaliLove]

I'm not sure the OP is going to come back..we may have scared her off.

[Natsume21]

Try to remember how you feel, the moment you take a decision. I honestly hate the feeling of 'what if', but I think that you need to live your life without regrets.

 

Should you decide to take this man again, remember how you feel in that exact same moment... If you feel happy, go ahead, and live your new relationship like that. I have a cousin that cheated his 2 year girlfriend with an ex-girlfriend, he even went on to asking the ex-girlfriend to marry him!...

Not gonna bother you with details, but that engagement did not work very well, they didn't marry, and after some time, he starting dating the 2 year girlfriend again and now they're together and happy as ever (They've been together now for 3 years). We all know here that, by these facts, my cousin was a dickhead and cheated in the worst possible way, his actual girlfriend, and that she is, in reality, a fool. Now, I know that this story is like 0.5% in the whole world, and that we can't know if it's going to work in the long run. My point is that, should you decide to get back together, you need to start over and try to build the trust up.. I want to be perfectly clear on this... it's not impossible, but it's going to be hard as hell... ask yourself this... Would you like to have access to his e-mail? Are you going to be checking his cell-phone, while he is on the shower? Deep down you know, you're gonna want to know, and I don't think its very healthy if that is the case. Admit it, you're gonna want to know.

 

Now, the other option is, you don't take him back and you ask him politely to dig a hole and go live there. I know this too would be hard for you, since you're still saying, 'I still love him'. Now, this is the option that most people here are advising you to do it, and the main reason is, that we here in this forum, are sure that 'the one' doesn't exist, but there are many 'ones' in our lives, simply because that there are 7 billion people in the world, and it's impossible to have just one match. You can, and possibly will find, a man that's gonna care for you and love you, like your actual guy, without all the complications from your current situation, no ex-wives, no cheating (Not all men are cheaters), etc. He will have some complications, but you're gonna learn to live with them.

 

Now, both options are equally scary. I'm not going to say to you, 'take him back' or 'dump him, he's a cheater'... Simply because I don't know you, just like the people from this forum. You're gonna have to do this on your own. We are here to support you an be supported in our own cases, and rest assured, that whatever decision you take, we're gonna be here to support you. If you get cheated again, people get to say to you 'we told you so, now don't cry and pick yourself up', and if you get to live happily ever after people will say 'well, you're lucky because your case didn't look like it was gonna go the distance'.

 

My personal opinion is... no regrets, whatever you choose to do, back that decision completely. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Most unbiased post I've seen on this thread. He's right, both options are equally scary. I remember this quote from a Vietnamese Poet whose names I can't remember

 

"In fear of the unknown, we suffer that which is familiar."

 

And that can be no truer than the predicament the OP finds herself in.

 

Simply put, she is scared that at this moment, she'll never feel the way she does now when she's with him, so the fear or being without that intense feeling drives her to suffer in hopes of feeling it again.

 

It's no different than how an addict thinks. She's got a love addiction, and judging from it, a pretty bad case of it.

 

[ScaredAlien2]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, and thank you so much for your support and encouraging words. I understand why everyone here thinks I'm a idiot. But I have to listen to my gut and my heart.

 

He has been nothing but patient and persistent these last few months while I've worked through things. He's answered every question I've had and let me work through things in my own time. I know this man loves me. He made a mistake. We are all only human.

I think your situation stirkes a bad cord in most as they relate it to their own experiences. It may come across as mean and your an idiot but they are just trying to male a point!

 

My first reaction was noooo! Run while you still can and save yourself the hurt. I didn't listen to people on here and now I'm back to square one!! But you really do have to find out for yourself. I think allot are coming off as mean because they wish they would have listened to advice from others. But idk really just trying to think rationally. Best of luck!

[JohnMcClaine]

I know this man loves me.

 

No, he doesn't. If he did, you wouldn't be posting here because none of this other nonsense would be happening. You are deluding yourself.

[No Limit]

We are all only human.

 

By all means, don't throw me into the pot with people like... this guy.

It's truly offensive and I didn't do anything to be insulted like that.

[tdmnp]

ImSuchAFool, if you're going to do this, you want to make sure of a few things. You need to be in individual counselling, so does he, and you both need to attend counselling together.

 

You also need to ensure that you have a strong network of friends and family around you, that are going to be very willing to forgive you when you come to them with the news that this has failed (sorry, but it will).

 

Also, someone suggested no sex before commitment - I'm normally not an advocate of that, but this is a situation that definitely warrants it.

 

I believe that you are setting yourself up for a major fall. The least you could do is make sure there is a framework in place to catch you.