bigred Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Ok, first, let me say I've been with my g/f for 5 years. Never cheated until 2 months ago with a co-worker that befriended me. Looking back I can see that I was trying to sabotage the relationship. We've had a lot of problems with her family because we are of two different nationalities. Here's the problem, I cheated once but the woman is pregnant. She's gonna have the kid and basically says she doesn't want anything from me, I don't have to tell my family if I dont want to, I can just call and see the kid when I want, at first she made it sound like she wasn't going to allow me ot see the kid. She's more financially stable and about 6 yrs older. 1) I don't want to be a deadbeat dad, but I'm not ready to be a parent either but I made my bed so to speak 2) I truly love my g/f, would like to marry her one day, I know, I know, then why'd I cheat? like I said I was trying to sabotage the relationship subconsciously. In 5 yrs I only met her mom and siblings once and her father has no interest in meeting me. She's Asian and well, I'm not. And this has put strain on the relationship. not making any excuses though, I know what I did was wrong. 3) All this being said, should I take a chance with the relationship and tell my g/f, hurt her feelings and potentially have her break up with me and never forgive me or should I just break up with her and spare her some of the pain? I figure if her father dislikes me for the past 5 years and never met me, if he was to find out about this he would finally have a reason to dislike me. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Well.. as YOU said.. YOU made your bed so to speak.. Regardless of what you intended to begin with.. the girl you've been messing with is pregnant, and now it doesn't matter if thats what you wanted, it's done. IMO You need to tell your GF what you've done.. IF she decides to leave you, then that is her decision to make. One last thing.. WTF do you mean you don't have to tell your family IF you don't want to? Sheesh this is a little person we're talking about, not "This one time in band camp" kinda deal... Link to post Share on other sites
bigred Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 thanks for your advice Merin. to set things straight, I didn't say I didn't have to tell my family, that was one of the lines that the woman who's pregnant said. I was trying to say that wouldn't even be a consideration to me. but she's made it sound like she could care less one way or the other if I'm involved in the kids life. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Originally posted by bigred thanks for your advice Merin. to set things straight, I didn't say I didn't have to tell my family, that was one of the lines that the woman who's pregnant said. I was trying to say that wouldn't even be a consideration to me. but she's made it sound like she could care less one way or the other if I'm involved in the kids life. You're welcome.. Heres the thing.. although Miss. You-who is telling you right now that she doesn't care IF you're involved in the babies life or not.. things could take a big turn once the baby is actually born. Being a parent is hard.. being a SINGLE parent is even harder. Last thing.. regardless IF she is down for you not being involved in the babies life or not (at this time, she says) don't YOU want to know who YOUR little person is? Now.. I'm NOT saying you need to marry this girl, or profess undying love for her etc... BUT this baby is a part of YOU, ya know? Think about this... Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Based on what I read...All you have dont is have her father throw something in her face.....thats why I never liked him. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 You should tell your GF, ask for her forgiveness, let her know what you're willing to do to salvage things, and let HER decide whether to break up. Don't even think of marrying your GF without telling her of this child. One day she will learn, sooner or later...and the longer you wait, the more she'll hate you, the worse your r/s will be broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I agree with the last one, if you stay with her you have to tell her, you don't want your kid showing up on your doorstep while you're celebrating your ten year anniversary with your wife and then have to tell your wife this is the kid you concieved when you cheated on her 12 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 not only is it already tainted with lies, if you don't tell her now, the rest of it will be too. and unless this other woman screwed you while you were comatose, you did nothing unconciously. at least be honest now, and let your girlfriend decide what she wants. you messed up, and it's her right to forgive you...or leave you. wow. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 That is so irresponsible of you to have UNPROTECTED sex with another women when you have a girlfriend - what if you give give/get an STD and pass it on to your gf? I think you have to tell her about the affair ASAP and give her the opportunity to leave you ASAP because you do not deserve to be with someone who thinks they can trust you. Marriage with her? Maybe if she is crazy and in your dreams. I feel sorry for the poor baby and for the hurt your ex is about to endure. It's not like she won't eventually find out if you are going to continue being sneaky and not be man enough to tell her yourself. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Link to post Share on other sites
mysticalstar Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Hey there. This is what I think. First of all, you said you are not ready to be a father...well hunny let me tell you one thing...if you are man enough to have sex...you have to be man enough to step up and be a father to that poor child who is innocent. God men or should I say boys like you piss me off because you think you can have your cake and eat it too...Well that is NOT the case. The one that is giong to suffer and the one i feel bad for is your unborn child...Who by the way did not make the choice to be born to a single mother and who's father is not involved in his life. GROW UP. You are going to be a father now plain and simple and you need to accept this and step up and be in that childs life. As for telling your g/f...yes you should tell her because one day if you do get married you can't keep something like that a secret it isn't fair to your g/f. So you made a mistake...and if she loves you maybe if you are lucky you will get another chance...but i wouldn't get my hopes up too high. I'm not trying to be rude about any of this because you are human and we all make mistakes, but i am just a little upset with the way you are acting about being a father. That child needs you in his life. So tell your family and tell your g/f because you owe it to your child and to them. And even if you are going to break up with your girlfriend..you still owe it to her beacuse she is also innocent and does not deserve all of these lies. You are only digging yourself in a hole deeper and deeper. If i were you, I would start to come clean sooner or later because the sooner the better. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 In situations like this I like to do what the hypothetical perfect moral person would do. Just try to envision in your mind what the perfectly moral, ethical person would do, and try to emulate that person. Usually you end up doing the right thing. For example: in my mind's eye, the perfectly moral man in this situation would inform his girlfriend of what happened, apologizing profusely, discussing the entire situation with her, and then letting her make up her mind about whether she wants to be involved in the situation. Then, the most important part of the equation, the man would be the best father he could to this child. Period. But again, this is what a perfectly moral, ethical person would do in my mind's eye. Link to post Share on other sites
bigred Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Merin, I said it before, but thanks for your advice/suggestions. billybadass, thanks for your reply (seriously). thanks for not making any judgements and just answering my post. hotcaligirl, who said it was unprotected sex? you jumped to that conclusion. it was protected but the condom broke. as for the kid, I never said I would not be involved in the kids life. I stated the woman who is pregnant does not want me to have anything to do with the kid. she's the one that suggested I not tell my family. I also had asked if I should tell my girlfriend about this or simply spare her the drama that is yet to come. I do have to say those who responded that I should tell her even if we do break up are correct. that is the right thing to do. yes I made a mistake and yes I'm every word you can think of for a cheater, and yes there were many reasons that after 5 yrs I cheated for the first time. I'm not making any excuses though. I already know what was done was wrong, I was just simply asking for advice as to how to pursue this with my girlfriend. to those of you that did give me honest advice, thanks. to those who decided to throw in some of their personal thoughts not related to the question I would just like to let you know I won't be returning to this board again. not that any of those people will really care though. I wrote the bare minimum to try and get a question answered. there is much more to this situation than what was written. I didn't think I needed to explain myself though since I was wrong for my actions and was not looking for sympathy from anyone here. I thought I found a board where I could simply get advice, not necessarily opinions on the type of person I must be because I cheated. People make mistakes, I simply didn't want to make another one which is why I came to the board. in the future I only hope that the members here try and help the poster rather than try and shame them and make them feel bad for even reaching out to get advice. you don't necessarily know a person til you've walked in their shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
TylerC Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Ask yourself if you would want to know if she cheated on you. If the answer is yes, then you need to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
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