Would you take an anonymous message seriously?

[NotOW35]

If your spouse was cheating and your "radar" was up; would you take an anonymous FB message that your spouse was cheating seriously? Or, would you simply disregard it?

[snappytomcat]

if I already had suspicions,i would take it seriously,cause I believe lots of bs,have suspicions,in my case I did feel it in my gut,but I couldn't prove it,and I also asked xws directly a couple times,of course he was a coward,and denied

[BetrayedH]

Unfortunately, we BSs have a horrible tendency to disregard anonymous accusations about our spouse. When given a choice between trusting our spouse or an anonymous source, we very frequently trust our spouse. And if our spouse is a wayward, it's usually pretty easy for them to say, "Oh yeah, there's been this crazy chick at work lately. She's been stalking all of the guys. She tried something with me and I told her to get lost. I thought about going to HR but I feel kinda bad for her. She's kinda messed up."

 

There are exceptions, of course (especially if someone's radar is already up) but generally, I'd say you need to provide irrefutable proof. Even after that, it's best to be available to answer questions because the wayward will come up with a bullcrap story, and we'll want to believe it.

 

Just my $.02

Edited April 26, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would take it VERY seriously.

 

I debated on sending one when I caught two of married collegues having an affair. I knew their kids and partners and I was sickened. In the end I didn't send it because I hoped they would wise up and end the affair and I felt bad for the kids.

 

But if I were sending it, I would add some proof like times and dates.

[whatatangledweb]

I would only have taken it seriously if it had proof. Otherwise I would think it was just someone just trying to start something and ignore it, and block the sender.

[janedoe67]

If I knew a friend or a friend's husband was cheating, I would just call them or tell them myself; I wouldn't do it anonymously.

 

If they were a stranger and anonymous was the only way I could do it....let's just say I'd be real careful. Those things can have a way of not. ending. well.

[Davey L]

I wouldn't make any accusation or initiate any confrontation based on an anonymous message. But if I had reason to believe it might be true, I might then do a bit of investigation myself to try to get some proof, before I did anything.

The trouble is, without proof, you can make an accusation, she can deny it, and then your left with an awkward situation. If your accusation is unfounded, it is damaging because you've shown a lack of trust.

[Arvin_Solheim]

It would depend on whether I suspected cheating or not....

normally I wouldn't give a fig for an anonymous message.....I remember my girlfriend used to get a lot of "anonymous" calls that warned her I was cheating with this girl and that girl and what was funny was that during those times I wasn't cheating at all....whenever I was cheating no one made any calls to warn her friends to tell her that I'm cheating.....

[dichotomy]

If my radar was already up for some reason AND I got a message - it would lead me to really investigate - but as Davey L said I would do it quietly.

[goumao]

Yes i would. A couple of weeks before i caught my XW, someone posted something about her on a social network! My XW was furious, called up the poster and gave the phone to me. I told the poster flat out that i trusted my XW etc etc.

 

What a fool i was!!

 

If your radar is up take it seriously. If radar not up and no reason to suspect, just take note of it.

[d0nnivain]

If I was already suspicioius of course I would take it seriously.

 

Otherwise I'd ignore it. FB isn't the most trustworthy source of anything.

[Red123]

If I had received a message I may not have believed it but I would have investigated it for sure. I have never known anyone that has gotten a message like that so I don't think I would just pass it off as nothing. What is your reason for wanting to send one?

[badkarma2013]

I wish to GOD...someone had sent me a message or informed me....it would have saved a year of lies deceit and self-doubt...and the nightmare i later found out.

[No Limit]

Yes, I would. If there really was a stressing other chick at work he'd probably have complained about her during lunch or dinner, and not all of a sudden "Oh yeah that crazy chick".

[violet1]

No, I wouldn't unless there was proof. A few years ago we had a falling out with another couple who we were friends with. The woman of the couple tried telling me that my H slept with her. Except the dates she provided, my H and I were out of town alone together. She gave random people my number too. I was getting all kinds of crazy calls. She was trying to stir the pot and cause trouble because she was mad at us. There are people who are not good Samaritans, they just want to cause problems.

[badkarma2013]

Do you think you husband would have wanted to know about YOUR A?

 

Or find out about it as he did according to your post.

[NotOW35]

Do you think you husband would have wanted to know about YOUR A?

 

Or find out about it as he did according to your post.

 

 

Is this question for me? I don't have a husband.

[badkarma2013]

Sorry that post was a question to Violet1..

[gettingstronger]

I was tipped off by an anon text and followed up. Although I was glad to be tipped off both my husband and I feel it was such a cowardly act on her part.

[violet1]

Do you think you husband would have wanted to know about YOUR A?

 

Or find out about it as he did according to your post.

That post wasn't about my A. This was long before I stepped out of the marriage. The ex friend of ours told me she slept with my H. She said it was a date my H and I were both out of town together. I didn't believe her. Plus my H wasn't physically attracted to her. She gave people my number and I received anonymous texts and calls stating my H was cheating. It wasn't true. This lady was mad at us and wanted to destroy our relationship. She even had her bf call me and say that my H had sex with her in front of him.

[Joangel]

I would not jump on a hint alone but you know him better than anyone. If deep down you feel something is wrong, it very well could be. I knew something was up with my husband and brushed it off. Suddenly after 12 years of marriage he wanted a separation with no set date, no marriage counseling no clear reason. He never admit he cheated but a "friend" sprouted out of nowhere. I even ignored a friend who told me they saw my husband several times in the morning across town. Love is blind I guess... Or maybe I refused to see.

[oldshirt]

I would take it very seriously.

 

 

Now keep in mind, "take it seriously" does not mean cracking your spouse over the house with a frying pan and dropping divorce papers on their lap just because you got some anonymous tip out of the blue.

 

 

What that means is that you just got a big wake-up call that you need to take seriously and do some serious investigating.

 

 

Serious investigating means you actually start peeling back layers and looking for cold, hard evidence. It means getting into their computers, emails, Facebook. Install keyloggers on computer. Looking through phone and txt records. install voice activated recorders in their car (WS's often talk to their AP while commuting in the car) or in places in the house they may be holding private conversations. It means going through drawers, closets, storage areas etc or any other place they may be stashing items, ie lube, sex toys, lingerie, condoms, Viagra etc.

 

 

Look for an extra phone.

 

 

Look for any change in routine, change in clothing, grooming, working out more. change in sex drive or change in sex with you, change in friends etc, change in work hours etc.

 

 

What this all means is do your due diligence in actually looking for tangible signs of an affair.

 

 

It does NOT mean simply asking them if they are cheating. If you ask, they will say no. They will say no and then they will go deeper underground and start covering their tracks.

 

 

Get the tip, search for clues, gather evidence. Confront when you have indisputable evidence and a smoking gun.

[carhill]

If your spouse was cheating and your "radar" was up; would you take an anonymous FB message that your spouse was cheating seriously? Or, would you simply disregard it?

If the information presented can be corroborated and/or verified, it certainly IMO would be worthy of consideration. The caution here is that people lie purposely to obfuscate and manipulate. Trust but verify!

[Appreciate]

Oh hell yeah I would take this seriously if I were you. VERY SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

Think about this way ... have you every received such a text/note/email in your life before? I have not. It's not a common thing to happen. It's a very very suspicious thing to happen and would freak the crap out of me if I ever received such a text. Especially if my radar was already up.

 

Why would someone send such a message? Think about it. A prank? Highly highly unusual. People don't send normally these kinds of messages unless one of the following is true...

 

1. They are a friend of you or your husband and knows an A is going on

2. ... or highly suspect one is going on.

3. They are the AP and want to end the A but can't face you.

4. They are the AP and have been burned and want to covertly expose

 

My gut feeling is that it is a friend or acquaintance of you as a couple (most likely closer to your H) who does not like what is going on and feels something should be done but does not want to lose your H as a friend.

 

Did the message leave any specifics? Any clues?

 

You need to start digging. Do NOT ask your H if he is having an affair. I would not even ask him directly if he's happy in the relationship or anything like that. Perhaps coax a discussion out of him and "check in" on you guys, and get a feel for how interested he is in talking about things.

[forbidden_love]

I would say the chances of someone doing it out of malice are very slim if it was not true. My mms bs didn't believe several people she thought they were all me and i had been with mm for five years every day. I still don't get it. Surely only teenagers do that sort of thing out of spite. I have never heard it being done out of spite by adults. There has to be some truth in it. He even received a threat that appeared to be from a man and that was ignored. Even mm asked if it was me and we were still seeing each other. He also gets lots if hangup calls which his bs thinks is me. Man there are so many lies in that marriage even mm can't recall the truth lol