Let down by friend - is our friendship over?

[ja123]

I'm so let down by a friend that I'm thinking of ending our friendship.

 

 

I've known this woman for 5 years.

 

 

She is currently looking for a job and doesn't have internet.

 

 

I told her that I need some company and that I'd pay for her monthly bus pass so she could hang-out at my place while I'm doing some stuff - I moved, recently. I'd have the company, and she'd have use of a computer (plus moral support!) to look for a job.

 

 

She was uncomfortable about accepting the pass. She said that a friend should freely give their time and not be "paid". This is true, I agreed, but seeing as she doesn't have the money for a pass, and I do then it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

 

She was insistent about putting up boundaries, and said that if she saw something that she felt could be done better, then she'd like to say so. I told her I'm always open to self-improvement, and so long as whatever she says is respectful then I have no problem discussing it. Likewise, I told her I'm very good at brain-storming and would pass on any ideas I have to her.

 

 

She was still uncomfortable accepting the pass; it was almost as though she felt she didn't deserve it. I said, if she came 4 days, then I'd consider that she "paid" her pass and I'd be content. If she wants to come by more often, then that would be up to her, but I would very much welcome her company.

 

 

So, here we are near the end of the month and the pass is about to expire - and she hasn't come for 4 days.

 

 

The 2 days she was here, she didn't stay for long.

 

 

She offered to place books on my shelves that I just constructed. She borrowed a couple of books, but couldn't stay to read here, even though I was ordering food in and have two beautiful new sofas.

 

 

I noticed that some of the books she placed on the shelves were upside down.

 

 

In the meantime, she managed to re-negotiate her rent increase and ask her landlord for a job. All the landlord had was "janitor" which she said she was willing to do, but the landlord said the job required heavy-lifting and that she was not appropriate.

 

 

She had applied 2 months ago to a couple of agencies to be a companion to elderly people.

 

 

So, wtf?

 

 

She can't be a companion to me?

[Fugu]

She needed a place to stay, but now she doesn't? Why end a friendship over this? People aren't entitled to companionship, and companions are entitled to come and go as they please. Maybe I'm missing it, but I don't see what's 'owed' here.

[ja123]

No, she didn't need a place to stay, as per above.

 

 

Is the OP not self-explanatory?

 

 

I stated my needs, and she stated hers.

 

 

I did what I could to meet her needs, but she hasn't made the effort to meet mine, so I feel rejected.

[ja123]

To make things a little clearer, she knows that I'm kind of down right now as there's been a recent death in the family.

 

 

So, the support of a friend would be helpful to me right now. I offered to pay her pass, so she could come see me, as she can't afford it.

 

 

It really sucks because I thought she cared about me ...

[ja123]

I called her, we talked.

 

 

She hasn't been feeling so well either.

 

 

We'll take it one day at a time.

 

 

Case closed.

[Catwoman13]

I know you said case closed, but just for future reference:

 

Just because you offer to pay for someone to do something does not mean they are obliged to accept your offer. If I had a "friend" do this to me I would feel highly pressurised. If I wanted to come and use your internet, I would ask. I think you were busting her boundaries by being so insistent.

 

If all you wanted was some company because of your recent loss, you could have rather stated that instead. But you turned all of it into a contractual obligation, by involving money/job search/free bus pass into the equation.

 

That, imho is a bit messed up.

[jellybean89]

I am confused on the whole 'boundary' issues. That doesn't seem like a friendship to me -- sounds like a paid 'escort'. Are you both of the same sex? Maybe she was thinking you wanted more than friendship?

[ja123]

I know you said case closed, but just for future reference:

 

Just because you offer to pay for someone to do something does not mean they are obliged to accept your offer. If I had a "friend" do this to me I would feel highly pressurised. If I wanted to come and use your internet, I would ask. I think you were busting her boundaries by being so insistent.

 

If all you wanted was some company because of your recent loss, you could have rather stated that instead. But you turned all of it into a contractual obligation, by involving money/job search/free bus pass into the equation.

 

That, imho is a bit messed up.

 

 

 

You are certainly right in the way that I presented it. I think I focused on those things in the OP because I felt so rejected, it was like "and to boot I offered transport and meals" and still couldn't depend on her company for a mere 4 days in the entire month.

 

 

I was really hurt, and no I didn't pressurize her, because she specifically said she would call me the last 2 times. I called today because I felt worried that what if something bad happened to her, while I'm sitting home complaining.

 

 

So, I spoke to her. She said she'd been having diarrhea. She asked why I didn't call her. I told her that she said she would call. Then I told her that I was afraid to call, but I'm not feeling well and I could really use some company when her diarrhea clears up.

 

 

So, she said she'd call tomorrow to set something up for Monday.

 

 

I don't even know if this is going to work out Monday, so I have started to look for a professional companion to get me through the dark week I have ahead. Things I've been dreading to do: go see the doctor, etc. etc.

 

 

This has certainly been a learning experience.

[ja123]

I am confused on the whole 'boundary' issues. That doesn't seem like a friendship to me -- sounds like a paid 'escort'. Are you both of the same sex? Maybe she was thinking you wanted more than friendship?

 

 

 

No, we're not gay. (But, then, she claims to be asexual, and hasn't had a man for 20-years, so who knows?)

 

 

She was the one who brought up boundaries, as she didn't want to feel pressured or bought (nor did I feel like I wanted to beg, I might add), so I told her listen if you feel badly about the bus pass, please don't because you'd be offering a friend a great service. If you could come for 4 days this month, then you'd certainly help me and there'd be no debt.

 

 

If you want to come more, because we're having so much fun getting our respective things done, then you'd be most welcome.

 

 

So, my beef is that she brought up the boundaries, they were established, then she didn't do her end of it. So, not only did I "pay" but I still felt like I ended up begging.

 

 

It's a sad state of affairs really, and I could open another thread to speak about these things in general.

 

 

For instance, not one person from my Church where I volunteer contact me to offer condolences. These people call themselves Christians. I am one of their best readers.

 

 

I try very much to give freely in life, and without conditions, but sometimes I feel as though I am invisible whenever I might have a need.

[ja123]

@ Catwoman, to further clarify ...

 

 

She is welcome to use my internet free of charge anytime she wants, my door is always open. But she could not afford transport. She knows I'm not feeling well, so 4 days of her companionship was all I asked. Yes, I have unpleasant things to do (such as prepare the items of the deceased, etc.) I just wanted a human presence with me. Preferably someone who knows me and cares for me a bit, as my family are 15 hours away.

 

 

She could use the internet until her heart's content.

 

 

I don't think I asked for much.

 

 

It's sad.

[ja123]

When I said "case closed", it's because I'm not going to trash the friendship, but I'm downgrading it in my mind. How can I not?

[Sugarkane]

She sounds like she's making excuses. How long have you known each other? Why did she say yes, if she wasn't willing to help you arrange books etc? Help you organize things, like arranged?

[Sugarkane]

Not to offend anyone, but this is what I don't understand about church people. How long have you been going to this church?

No, we're not gay. (But, then, she claims to be asexual, and hasn't had a man for 20-years, so who knows?)

 

 

She was the one who brought up boundaries, as she didn't want to feel pressured or bought (nor did I feel like I wanted to beg, I might add), so I told her listen if you feel badly about the bus pass, please don't because you'd be offering a friend a great service. If you could come for 4 days this month, then you'd certainly help me and there'd be no debt.

 

 

If you want to come more, because we're having so much fun getting our respective things done, then you'd be most welcome.

 

 

So, my beef is that she brought up the boundaries, they were established, then she didn't do her end of it. So, not only did I "pay" but I still felt like I ended up begging.

 

 

It's a sad state of affairs really, and I could open another thread to speak about these things in general.

 

 

For instance, not one person from my Church where I volunteer contact me to offer condolences. These people call themselves Christians. I am one of their best readers.

 

 

I try very much to give freely in life, and without conditions, but sometimes I feel as though I am invisible whenever I might have a need.

[ja123]

She sounds like she's making excuses. How long have you known each other? Why did she say yes, if she wasn't willing to help you arrange books etc? Help you organize things, like arranged?

 

 

 

She is making excuses.

 

 

She offered to arrange the books, but then did a half-ass job of it.

 

 

I really just wanted some companionship.

[ja123]

Not to offend anyone, but this is what I don't understand about church people. How long have you been going to this church?

 

 

 

4 years

 

 

It's a huge church, with many masses, so it's not like everyone knows me.

 

 

But the pastor, the woman who makes the schedule and my fellow readers know me well. One in particular had been grateful in the past that I helped him during his time of need.

 

 

They knew I was heading home due to a pending death and not one sent their blessings.

 

 

I have taken a leave from volunteering now, due to this issue. I have a debate in my head about not abandoning all that's good for what is bad. It does rock one's faith in humanity.

[Sugarkane]

Has she always been this flaky? After 5 years I wouldn't expect her to be this uncomfortable. She sounds like a user. I don't know if there's anything you can do without a written agreement.

She is making excuses.

 

 

She offered to arrange the books, but then did a half-ass job of it.

 

 

I really just wanted some companionship.

[Survivor12]

The bottom line is this...You were asking your friend to provide services (companionship & other assistance) 4+ days per week in exchange solely for transportation & access to the Internet.

 

Friends are friends, not employees. If you wanted to invite her over to visit with you one day & offered to pay her way, that's one thing, but you wanted a commitment of 4 days a week and to direct what she would be doing when with you (i.e. doctor, books)--that's a JOB, not friendship. Heck, you even criticize how she did the JOB you assigned and complain that she didn't show up for WORK!

 

And when you hire someone to do a job, by law, you are required to pay minimum wage. A bus pass and Internet access is NOT fair compensation since a) the bus pass would be useless other than to come to work & b) Internet access is available free in libraries.

 

It sounds like you are having a difficult time emotionally and need support. I understand that. However, your friend has her own problems to deal with and, ultimately, you were asking her to ease your burden but doing nothing to alleviate hers. Spending time with you doesn't pay her bills or find her a job, does it? And spending day after day with someone who is emotionally distressed isn't easy, particularly if that person is a friend.

 

The bottom line is that friendship is about giving of oneself freely, not on demand. If you need a companion, hire one. If you want a friend, be one.

[ja123]

The bottom line is this...You were asking your friend to provide services (companionship & other assistance) 4+ days per week in exchange solely for transportation & access to the Internet.

 

 

 

Too many people do not read.

 

 

She was the one who asked what she would do, boundaries, etc.

 

 

I said 4 days per month. Not 4 days per week. She said she wanted to be there for me, but couldn't afford transport.

 

 

Don't you think it's dishonest of her to say she's my friend and wants to support me freely (but then adds she cannot pay for transport) but then she doesn't support me?

 

 

She takes the pass, doesn't initiate calls with me, and disappears ... How is that a friend?

[ja123]

Heck, you even criticize how she did the JOB you assigned and complain that she didn't show up for WORK!

 

 

 

She offered to help, so I said she could help with my books. (easy, fun I thought!)

 

 

The reason I brought that up is because it reminds me of another friend I had years ago who was a marvelous seamstress and went to school for it. I did many things for/with her (such as accompany her when she got her abortion) when I asked she help me make curtains (straight, simple ones), she f*cked them up, so 2 panels were different lengths! It's not like I had bought extra material to make a new panel. So, looking back I'm thinking it was a sign of passive aggression.

 

 

I'm just making observations and trying to connect the dots between them.

[ja123]

Has she always been this flaky? After 5 years I wouldn't expect her to be this uncomfortable. She sounds like a user. I don't know if there's anything you can do without a written agreement.

 

 

 

Well, this would not be my intention @ written agreement

 

 

She is an introvert, and this is the first time I've actually showed her that I'm in need.

 

 

 

 

It was supposed to be simple:

 

 

Me: Hey, I'm lonely and feeling like sh*t

 

 

Her: I'd love to help you, but I don't have transport

 

 

Me: Hey, why don't I pay your bus pass, so you can hang-out at my place?

 

 

Her: I don't feel comfortable because it'd feel like you are buying my

friendship

 

 

Me: How? I'm incredibly lonely right now, and you could use my help, too. It'd be win-win.

 

 

Her: Well let's set boundaries ...

 

 

Me: OK, well, I'd be content if you came 4 days this month, if you want to come more often, then you'd be most welcome!

 

 

 

 

Then she proceeds not to bother with me.

 

 

 

 

? ? ?

Edited April 27, 2014 by ja123

[Tayla]

ja123- I read your original post and sincerely wish to express my condolences. During such time, friends and support are vital. As you say, offering a friend help was a way to seek that support and companionship. Only until someone has gone thru something like this can genuine empathy be extended. Your friend fell short. Just wanted to chime in as someone who has been there....human kindness is free and your friend didnt seem to understand that. I kudo you for your offering...seemed completely fair.

[Sugarkane]

I find this kind of odd. If she has known you this long, why did she even have to set boundaries? When I read this, I assumed you had been friends only for a short amount of time or something.

[ja123]

I find this kind of odd. If she has known you this long, why did she even have to set boundaries? When I read this, I assumed you had been friends only for a short amount of time or something.

 

 

 

We've known each other for 5 years, and although we do not see one another often, we are surprising close due to a shared difficult experience.

 

 

That being said, I've never asked her for help; although she has asked for mine and I helped her.

 

 

We were at a mutual friend's for dinner, and she asked me to re-write her cover letter and edit her resume which I did after dinner.

 

 

She also asked me, if I saw any jobs for her, to send her resume. So, I sent to a couple, but nothing panned out.

 

 

Regarding BOUNDARIES, she brought that up. Maybe it's from her therapy or something.