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xMM keeps in touch - venting

C00kie

By C00kie,
in The Other Man / Woman

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C00kie

C00kie

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I broke up with him 2 months ago.

 

(please note that for a specific reason it's not possible at all to block all contact with him or go nc).

 

He keeps communicating and finishes almost all messages with "miss you so much". He keeps in mind and mentions our special dates together. Yesterday he took it further and said "i miss everything we are and everything we lived together" (this is a one way thing - I have not been keeping this kind of communication with him). Then he asked me if I was seeing someone, what were the plans for my weekend. What will I do on summer vacations. If I'll want to see him if he comes to visit me.

 

And all I wanted was peace. Peace, and heal. And here he is, trying to put this weight on my shoulders again, wanting to take control of my life and emotions while he's in the exact same place he has always been, behaving according to what's suitable for HIM. Him, him, him.

 

And this love that I still feel for him turns into anger, rage, wanting to run away and never hearing from him again, as a survival instinct.

 

It is one thing to say he misses me and all that - only words, no action - and I was dealing with that, but to ask if I'm seeing someone, my plans for the holiday, while he stays married and does NOTHING...to me this is crossing the line, big time.

 

About missing me...the thing is, while I think he's being sincere, I also think and know that he's saying it out of selfishness. It's nothing but words, and it's what he feels like saying because he misses me, he feels alone, he probably thinks I have some qualities that are quite uncommon in most women he knows, etc. But his feelings don't come with a sense of care for me, my best interests are not thought about; it all revolves around him. It's selfish, and it's coward, for he is not willing to sacrifice his life or himself the least bit, but is willing to sacrifice all those around him in a quite cruel way.

 

Everything is about him and his urges and needs. When he seems to be worried about his wife, or me, what he's really worried about is the consequences on him. If he worried about her genuinely, he wouldn't lie to her all these years they've been married, multiple times. He would not bear to lie to her face like that. Same thing for me: if he truly cared about me, wouldn't have put me through that living hell (and I do know I'm responsible too). He always came first. Always has, always will. He just did whatever worked best to save him from trouble. Yet, if I did something similar to him, he'd go ballistic.

 

It's been two months since we parted; nothing changed. He did not move a finger - which did not surprise me at all - and everytime he sends me a message or we brief chat, I just think to myself: he's the same as he as always been. The same victimising speech, the lost one who is depressed and lonely and doesn't know what to do with his life, etc. As much as this is true, I can't even feel sorry for him anymore. He's exactly where he chose to be. It's unfair that he still wants me to be here for him. Yes, I still have feelings for him and wish he could gind himself and be happy, but that's a walk I can't walk for him.

 

As for me, I have some low moments, but I won't step back, not ever. Most days are ok, nights are harder. Knowing I did the right thing helps and it took a weight off my shoulders. And he insists on putting that weight there again, not even realising he's doing so, or simply ignoring it.

 

And I just keep moving. Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Thanks for reading :)

Edited by C00kie
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whichwayisup

whichwayisup

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.to me this is crossing the line, big time.

 

Do you write him back? If so, why not just blast him and say for f&ck sakes, STOP telling me that you miss me. Our A is over and you chose to stay married, respect my wishes and stop writing me that stuff. Get over it already, I have!

 

Or just stop reading what he writes you, delete it.

 

Hope have a better day tomorrow.

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2sunny

2sunny

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When you tell him to stop - he will get the clear message.

 

If he doesn't - mark all his communications to be sent to the trash folder.

 

And he has NO business asking if you're dating it what you will do this summer! If you've responded - I hope it was "it is NONE of your business, stop asking!"

 

If you respond - do so that it sends him a clear message that he is being personal and inappropriate - and will forward his "inquiries" on to his lovely wife if he continues.

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dubliner

dubliner

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Gosh your exMM sounds just like mine.

All the time you tolerate the boundary crossing, he will continue.

You have to enforce them, for your own moving on. How you do this depends on you and your situation but without a clear boundary he will keep fishing hoping to keep you hooked for his own personal validation without regard for how this affects you.

Be strong, be firm, make it clear what is acceptable and what isn't.

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Snipercatt

Snipercatt

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My response would be:

 

"I am going to respond to such communication, this one time, and only once, in the spirit of polite cooperation.

 

Keep all communications with me focused on (business, or what ever subject) matters. Do not make any inquiries, or remarks, of a personal nature ever, and always. If you do not follow this protocol I will refer these matters to those I consider in the best position to stop such inappropriate and personal communication. Thank you, in advance, for your compliance."

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C00kie

C00kie

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And he has NO business asking if you're dating it what you will do this summer! If you've responded - I hope it was "it is NONE of your business, stop asking!"

 

 

I didn't reply any of those questions. And I guess I haven't been clear enough, or he would have stopped that kind of communication long ago. It's just I'm so fed up with everything that I just didn't want to step in or go through any kind of trouble again. I'd expect that by common sense/respect and as time went by, my lack of response would lead him to distance himself - I was wrong.

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Snipercatt

Snipercatt

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Think back to earlier times. Most likely whining away on his adgenda has gotten him what he wants, why would he stop? He whines at others until his wants are satisfied, probably procrastinating to do anything about them. He whines at home, he whines at work, he whines to women and eventually someone satisfies what he's whining about.

 

He'll stop when you notify him to do so in no uncertain terms and then follow through.

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violet1

violet1

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Good for you Cookie! Tomorrow will be a better day. I've been following your story. I think it's wonderful that you're staying so strong. He's trying to get you to cave and restart the affair because he's too chicken to take action. Again, good for you!! Seriously, you should be so proud of yourself. :)

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C00kie

C00kie

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Good for you Cookie! Tomorrow will be a better day. I've been following your story. I think it's wonderful that you're staying so strong. He's trying to get you to cave and restart the affair because he's too chicken to take action. Again, good for you!! Seriously, you should be so proud of yourself. :)

 

Thank you Violet for your kind words :)

 

I still have a long way to go, but for the most part I think I've been doing a good job at managing my emotions. Surely I have my down moments, but fortunately they don't keep me from seeing sense. Now I just have to drop unhealthy behaviours like the urge to follow him on social media, etc. I've been keeping busy and it helps...I'm working on this.

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Friskyone4u

Friskyone4u

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You seem to have him figured out. He just wants to get into your pants again. Not sure why you can't have totally NC but if you give ANY response he will keep after you. You just have to keep at your own problems and stay off his social media and stop trying to get a peek at what he is up to.

You have the upper hand here if you choose to keep it

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C00kie

C00kie

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You seem to have him figured out. He just wants to get into your pants again. Not sure why you can't have totally NC but if you give ANY response he will keep after you. You just have to keep at your own problems and stay off his social media and stop trying to get a peek at what he is up to.

You have the upper hand here if you choose to keep it

 

It'd be hard for him to get in my pants, considering we're long distance. But I agree that if I give any response, he'll just keep it up. I'm also trying to stay away from social media, but it's not always easy to fight the urge to take a peek. I'm working on it :)

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Alex_Stoner

Alex_Stoner

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Nothing really to say about your post as it's pretty clear it's all about him (and it will always be, don't doubt about it) and his words are meaningless.

 

But I have to say that I admire your strength and that you keep following your new road, it will take to a better and higher place. :)

 

Take care!

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C00kie

C00kie

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Nothing really to say about your post as it's pretty clear it's all about him (and it will always be, don't doubt about it) and his words are meaningless.

 

But I have to say that I admire your strength and that you keep following your new road, it will take to a better and higher place. :)

 

Take care!

 

Thank you Alex for the encouragement words. :)

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