Regret & want him back

[Downtownmissy]

I made a huge mistake and i feel so stupid for making the decision to break up with him!

 

Me and my Ex have been broken up now for almost a year now and during our relationship we where together for 4 years (I'm 20 my ex is 21). We loved each other a lot and i know he cared about me greatly. I have been in a few bad relationships so when i met him i actually felt happy. He always supported me even when my family would treat me like crap. The issue is i guess is that i really wanted to experience the party lifestyle. My ex isn't the type to party. He is more into small social gatherings or just spending time together. Which is awesome but i still felt like i was missing out on life. I'm still not sure what exactly i was looking for. Anyway i ended up becoming friends with a bad crowd (Weed smokers & Alcoholics) and it felt fun to hang out with them. They pretty much told me my BF was boring and the he is pretty much a loser since he doesn't party with a group of people and prefers to just relax at home and i ended up getting into the habit of believe them i guess.

 

Eventually my bf noticed i was behaving oddly and he would get mad that i was hanging out with my friends i was stressed and I felt like he was trying to be a dad and i hated it. So i ended up breaking up with him.

 

I could tell from the moment i broke up with him. that i hurt him badly. I ended up jumping into another relationship about a mouth later with one of the guys i would party with and i kept it hidden from my Ex..... He ended up finding out and started claiming that i was cheating on him even though i wasn't..... I pretty much cursed him out and told him he was the worse thing ever in my life and since then i haven't heard from him since.

 

Now 10 months later. I understand how badly i messed up and regret the pain i caused him. I tried calling him the other day but he wouldn't really listen to me. He just said he felt betrayed. That he couldn't trust me anymore. he feels like everything will be against him (My friends lied to him as well that i was in a new relationship. Plus my parent who are just overall difficult)... After that i guess he had a panic attack and just told me to leave him alone.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain i caused him and i want him back badly. I was to stupid to realize what i had..... I miss him so much.

 

I know a lot of people will say probably wait until he calls or something but i know him enough to know he won't ever make the first move to rebuild contact....... How do i show him that i am more mature and not the same person as a i was nearly a year ago? He's moving to a temp job and won't be back till October i really don't want to miss my chance will i still can talk to him in person.

[FredJones80]

As part of the dumpee crowd, I figure most dumpees would appreciate being contacted, that is unless you did something completely unforgivable.

 

I figure you've left it a little too long and to him it will smell of.. "it didn't work out with XYZ so I'm her back up plan"

 

Either way, if you want something so much and realise you made a mistake you should dig your heels in, damn well show him how sorry you are and don't give up trying for at least a few weeks.

 

Perhaps not everyone's advice, but I would want my ex to move mountains to be back with me to prove her desire... the NC guide says something similar.

[Poppyolive]

"Release the dumpees"

 

If you got out all you needed to say to him, apologies, explanations etc then he knows...you did a really ****ty thing and loosing him is your conseqence. Why should he take you back? Youve already tried reaching out respect his situation as I'm sure you hurt him very much. Let him move on to find a great women who won't f**k him over.

 

My advice to you make your apologies clear, expecting nothing in return.

[BDL]

You still got a lot of growing up to do. I don't think you made a mistake, since you are young and still wanting to try new things. At your age, you shouldn't even be in a serious long term relationship anyway. You miss him but it doesn't mean you should be getting back together with him. Learn from this and move on.

 

Express your apologies and let him know you want to get back together with him, and leave it at that. He has to want to come back to you for it to work.

[Downtownmissy]

As part of the dumpee crowd, I figure most dumpees would appreciate being contacted, that is unless you did something completely unforgivable.

 

I figure you've left it a little too long and to him it will smell of.. "it didn't work out with XYZ so I'm her back up plan"

 

Either way, if you want something so much and realise you made a mistake you should dig your heels in, damn well show him how sorry you are and don't give up trying for at least a few weeks.

 

Perhaps not everyone's advice, but I would want my ex to move mountains to be back with me to prove her desire... the NC guide says something similar.

 

He is convinced i was cheating because i started dating less than a month after breaking up. He is also mad at me because of the things i said during the break up. I told him he was a horrible boyfriend and that he is the problem in my life. I also said a lot more hurtful stuff pretty much.........

 

I'm trying to make him understand that i was just stressed out and that i did make stupid mistakes and i really and sorry for it.

 

He says he will always love me but he is disappointed and deeply hurt.

 

People make mistakes. I don't understand why i just can't get that chance ro prove myself

[Downtownmissy]

You still got a lot of growing up to do. I don't think you made a mistake, since you are young and still wanting to try new things. At your age, you shouldn't even be in a serious long term relationship anyway. You miss him but it doesn't mean you should be getting back together with him. Learn from this and move on.

 

Express your apologies and let him know you want to get back together with him, and leave it at that. He has to want to come back to you for it to work.

 

He comes from a family where his parents have met at a young age and they are still greatly in love. He believe anything can be accomplished through communication and commitment. (This is what he use to tell me all the time)

 

I think he is pissed at how i went about things and that is what i want to fix.

[stillafool]

 

 

I ended up jumping into another relationship about a mouth later with

one of the guys i would party with and i kept it hidden from my Ex.....

He ended up finding out and started claiming that i was cheating on him

even though i wasn't.....

 

Sorry, but you did cheat on him. You said you jumped into a relationship with this other guy and kept it hidden from your bf. Then you lied and said you weren't cheating.

 

....After that i guess he had a panic attack and just told me to leave him alone.

 

No he didn't have a panic attack he just wants you to leave him alone.

 

 

I really think it has been too long and he has probably gotten over you by now, plus he will be gone another 6 months giving him a year and a half to really put this relationship behind him and move on to another girl. Even if you did get back together he will never look at you the way he once did because of what you have put him through. You are young and I think you need to view this as a lesson and be careful not to make this mistake again.

[Downtownmissy]

 

 

 

Sorry, but you did cheat on him. You said you jumped into a relationship with this other guy and kept it hidden from your bf. Then you lied and said you weren't cheating.

 

 

 

No he didn't have a panic attack he just wants you to leave him alone.

 

 

I really think it has been too long and he has probably gotten over you by now, plus he will be gone another 6 months giving him a year and a half to really put this relationship behind him and move on to another girl. Even if you did get back together he will never look at you the way he once did because of what you have put him through. You are young and I think you need to view this as a lesson and be careful not to make this mistake again.

 

Jumped into another relationship a month after we broke up and i am guessing you think i wont get him back ever? there is no way i could maybe change his mind?

[No Limit]

I know a lot of people will say probably wait until he calls or something but i know him enough to know he won't ever make the first move to rebuild contact.......

 

Then you've lost him. Move on.

 

Since you already have ...suiting contacts, maybe you'll find someone else at a party to be in a relationship with. No offense, but you weren't strong enough for him, let others influence your doing. He was the price you had to pay.

[iouaname]

Personally, I would not be receptive to taking someone back who did what you did, so I imagine that he feels the same. You are young and there will be someone else - you should move on with your life the same way your ex is moving on with his.

[SCJACK]

People make mistakes. I don't understand why i just can't get that chance ro prove myself

 

Sometimes you only get one chance and you blew it. You don't know what you have until it's gone. What makes you think you deserve another chance? You hurt him and broke his trust.. Don't you think he deserves someone better than you?

[HeartinPain]

10 months is a long time. He feels a lot of betrayal from you and the trust is gone. He has probably already accepted and moved on from you.

 

I am curious to why it took you 10 months to reach out to him. How long did the relationship you went right into last?

[lollipopspot]

Meet with him and tell him how you've grown and ask for another chance. He might take you up on it. You're young. You're allowed to change and grow. All you can did is explain and ask, and if the timing and feeling is right or wrong, so be it. Good luck!

[Jiivy]

It's going to be a very hard sell to convince your ex that you won't do this again simply because it didn't work out with the new guy.

 

The words you speak here on LS are an apparant dumpee's "dream" yet here we are, cynical as hell. Not all relationships work out, that's ok - if you both communicate like adults and try to work things out...sure.

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and “in love”), in some respects, is a choice.

Anyone who claims that they “can’t change how they feel”, or “cannot act against their feelings” is absolutely full of it.

 

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the “feeling” isn’t there?

 

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don’t, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel “in love” all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

Expecting to always feel “in love” is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to “just feel it” all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That’s an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow – if there truly are no redeeming qualities – I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren’t “feeling it” and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance.

 

 

 

It’s bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not…sex *is* an important part of it…just not the most important part). I need a literal partner.

 

 

 

Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more “in love”, sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won’t feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don’t feel the connection, it’s my responsibility to communicate. If I don’t feel the attraction, it’s my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

 

It’s not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship – it’s being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

[lollipopspot]

I agree that people here are cynical - too cynical, in my mind, for your situation. You got together when you were 15. You broke up when you were 19, wanting some more freedom. Even if he's a great guy, I don't see a thing wrong with that. Youth is for exploring.

 

Whether you should both tether yourselves again to someone at this stage/age, I don't know, but I don't think you did anything wrong to take a break from dating someone you dated since you were 15, so that you could experience different things. It's too hard for people to choose or know "the one" at 15, because you change.

 

Because it was a reasonable break on your part (I think if he doesn't see that, that's some of his own immaturity and hurt), I think he may take you back, if he's in the stage where he wants to be with someone and if he loves you and sees a future with you. I think 20 and 21 is generally too young to marry though, if that's what you have in mind.

[FredJones80]

A further thought to all this, you've changed..... maybe he has too?

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree that people here are cynical - too cynical, in my mind, for your situation. You got together when you were 15. You broke up when you were 19, wanting some more freedom. Even if he's a great guy, I don't see a thing wrong with that. Youth is for exploring.

 

Whether you should both tether yourselves again to someone at this stage/age, I don't know, but I don't think you did anything wrong to take a break from dating someone you dated since you were 15, so that you could experience different things. It's too hard for people to choose or know "the one" at 15, because you change.

 

Because it was a reasonable break on your part (I think if he doesn't see that, that's some of his own immaturity and hurt), I think he may take you back, if he's in the stage where he wants to be with someone and if he loves you and sees a future with you. I think 20 and 21 is generally too young to marry though, if that's what you have in mind.

 

I don't think he's immature if he doesn't think that the breakup was "reasonable". It's not up to him to understand the reason why she broke up with him, it's up to her to explain exactly why that reasoning has changed. And even then, she's not owed a second shot.

 

Sometimes things are done and said that can't be undone or unsaid. You can forgive someone for those things but at the same time not allow them the same access to you. I had a situation when I was younger where I was dumped, partially due to something that was my fault which I acknowledged and apologized for. She was a co-worker of mine and I didn't know of NC, so I continued to try to communicate with her.

 

She held a lot of resentment toward me and decided out of hurt, anger, whatever to try to get me in trouble at work (put in a sexual harrassment claim for a innocent, non-sexual joke I made outside of the office to a girl about a friend of mine she liked). Even the girl i was joking with thought it was funny and told it to my ex just as a retelling of the weekend, but my ex used it as a tool to try to hurt me. Luckily my bosses dismissed it and nothing happened to me, but I was so angry that I completely stopped talking to my ex. For three months I said nothing to her in the office (even if I had to talk to her about a project I enlisted a go-between to communicate to her on my behalf). Juvenile, yes, but I was devastated and betrayed. She responded by dating another guy and even getting engaged to him, but I didn't care in the least. Finally, she quit three months later and tearfully formed an apology, which I coldly accepted.

 

Flash forward a year. I hadn't talked to my ex since the day she quit, but I randomly ran into her while on assignment for my job. I had used the NC (though I didn't know what NC was) to get over my anger and hurt, so I was polite and friendly. I saw her again six months later at a get-together with mutual friends and it was on like Donkey Kong, as she was flirty and all over me like she was before, obviously having reset her attraction meter. She wanted to try again, and part of me seriously considered it because I was smitten with her at one time.

 

However, I told her no and stuck to it. While I wasn't angry at her for what she did and had forgiven her, I also couldn't forget it. I couldn't go back to a person that was capable of taking that type of shot at me and willing to stab me in the back. I didn't think she was a bad person and I'm still Facebook friends with her to this day, but ultimately I couldn't make it all the way back.

 

There's a decent chance that the OP's ex is having a similar conflict in his head. He might not be able to fully make it back. It doesn't make him a bad person (nor is the OP a bad person), it's just some people have certain lines that when crossed, can't be uncrossed. She might want a second chance, but she's certainly not entitled to one.

[lollipopspot]

She might want a second chance, but she's certainly not entitled to one.

 

Well, no one is "entitled" to love or attention from a potential partner, but I am saying that I think the scenario under which she broke up makes sense to me, and also that she would grow and realize that what she had was good.

 

I don't know if he'll want her back. I'm not saying he should take her back if he doesn't want to.

 

But I think that to be in a relationship from 15-19 is pretty young to be so committed, and it's natural to want to explore a little bit at that age. To not understand that at least intellectually in my mind shows some immaturity. This isn't like a 40 year old with kids taking a break from his marriage.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, no one is "entitled" to love or attention from a potential partner, but I am saying that I think the scenario under which she broke up makes sense to me, and also that she would grow and realize that what she had was good.

 

I don't know if he'll want her back. I'm not saying he should take her back if he doesn't want to.

 

But I think that to be in a relationship from 15-19 is pretty young to be so committed, and it's natural to want to explore a little bit at that age. To not understand that at least intellectually in my mind shows some immaturity. This isn't like a 40 year old with kids taking a break from his marriage.

 

I disagree that he's immature. I don't think anyone would react nicely to someone they love "wanting to sow their royal oats" and I don't think that's immature at all. I get why she did, but it's not up to him to understand that or approve of it. That being said, I hardly doubt that's the reason he's so against a reconciliation -- her hurtful behavior after the break is playing a much bigger factor in that. I think he can get over the fact she went to explore, but the cheap shots she took out the door are the things that he might never move past.

 

I agree that it's too young to be that committed (I sure and heck wouldn't want to be), but that doesn't mean that there aren't people of that age that don't value that commitment.

[lollipopspot]

I disagree that he's immature. I don't think anyone would react nicely to someone they love "wanting to sow their royal oats" and I don't think that's immature at all. I get why she did, but it's not up to him to understand that or approve of it.

 

I did not say or mean that he's immature. I said that if someone doesn't understand at least in principle why it would make sense in one's development and growth to break up after being in a committed relationship from age 15-19, that would show some immaturity. We don't know how he will respond or thinks about it, so a comment cannot be made about him at this point.

 

He doesn't have to approve of it, but maturity might mean that he would understand it. Again, we do not know how he feels about it at this point.

 

Please don't read any more into what I am saying than exactly what I am saying.

[Trep]

I agree that people here are cynical - too cynical, in my mind, for your situation. You got together when you were 15. You broke up when you were 19, wanting some more freedom. Even if he's a great guy, I don't see a thing wrong with that. Youth is for exploring.

 

Whether you should both tether yourselves again to someone at this stage/age, I don't know, but I don't think you did anything wrong to take a break from dating someone you dated since you were 15, so that you could experience different things. It's too hard for people to choose or know "the one" at 15, because you change.

 

Because it was a reasonable break on your part (I think if he doesn't see that, that's some of his own immaturity and hurt), I think he may take you back, if he's in the stage where he wants to be with someone and if he loves you and sees a future with you. I think 20 and 21 is generally too young to marry though, if that's what you have in mind.

 

I don't think people here have a problem with her wanting to experience a different lifestyle. I think the problem everyone has is the way she dumped him and treated him in order to live this lifestyle. She essentially listened to some douchebags who were most likely trying to get in her pants talk down her bf. To top it off she then treated her bf like crap during the breakup.

[Downtownmissy]

I never meant to hurt him the way i did. I was just stressed out and the drugs & partying felt like a release. If that makes any sense i guess.

 

My relationship with the other guy after i left my ex ended about 2 weeks after we attempted dating....... I tried to establish a Friendship with him but he just wasn't having it so i left him alone.

 

The reason it took me 10 months to try to talk to him again is because i felt bad for the stuff that happen between us. I worked hard at improving my behavior. I have seen a Psychologist from November to March (Had to stop because of money issues)... but i did realize the wrong i have cause and felt i could probably make it right now.

[chados]

You messed up and acted like a little teenage girl. I'm sorry but that's what happened. You now miss him because he's not there anymore. What makes you think you won't have problems again? I'd say let him be but definitely apologize to him for what you did. Then I really think it's up to him if he want to maintain contact.

[stillafool]

Look, you were young and wanted to experience other things. You did and now you're sorry, I did something similiar to my first bf when I was 15. I too wanted him back but it didn't happen. Why? Because he was young and started experiencing other girls after me and didn't want to get back with me. More than likely your guy is experiencing other girls too and likes it because he too is so young. You can pour your heart out to him and try but it's highly doubtful he will want you back at this stage in his life.

[yorkie]

you know what you already have been given the advice by one poster on here has already said! you need to move mountains to try and get him back but if you love him and you agree you made mistakes then you have to try and prove to him that he is the one! i cant give you answers or i cant give you the options but if you love him so much you need to do anything and i mean anything to get him back then go for it! im 8 months since i broke up with my ex she cheated on me and tbh she would have to show me that anyone in the last 8 months she has been connected to was a mistake! you cant just leave someones life and turn back up again sadly!

 

but if it was a mistake which tbh i dont believe you as you have said you still are unsure of what you want then you have to proove it to him. sorry to sound blunt but best of luck anyway!