Cheated on my GF, what now?

[mike_89]

Hi,

 

I have found this forum through Google and it seems like this is the correct place to ask for ideas and suggestions for my particular problem. I am a 25 year old male with a 20 year old girlfriend.

 

My current situation: I have always had enormous issues with monogamy, people have always told me it's the age, personally I think I might just have a too high testosterone level (I have family members that have been tested positive for this and it is heritable). There is a very strong urge to have sex with other girls, so much that I actually feel bad when a girl makes a move on me and I do not respond. Not any specific person that I am very attracted to as would be with an affair, but just attractive women in general. Now I have a girlfriend that I love very much and I do not want to live without her, it is in fact difficult to imagine a life without her. I have discussed these feelings with her, how it is completely unrelated to my love for her and all my body wants to do is just "stick my penis in some other girl", how it really does not make me love or even like that other girl but it has always remained quite difficult for her to truly understand and accept this (she always told me she understood but I doubt that she really absorbed the information).

 

Eventually we had a really bad time for several months and after I had attempted to break up with her (both times she convinced me to stay) I cheated on her. This was several months ago (February). Afterwards I came to appreciate her a lot more and we had a very happy time with each other until, of course, I told her I have cheated on her. Naturally she is devastated. She wanted to break up with me because everybody she knows tells her that she should break up with me, but she does not truly want to leave me. She told me that she still loves me very much and whenever she tells me that we should break up her eyes fill up with tears (as do mine). I want to stay with her, I really do not want to lose her but I do not see how I can repair the damage I have caused.

 

She tells me that she still loves me but the problem, according to her, is that she can not trust me. She had started trusting me only after my last attempt to break up because she felt that if we could get through such a bad time together it really means something. Now she says that we never got through the bad time together (since I cheated) and that all the trust she had gained has been destroyed. She wants me to prove to her that I can be trusted but how am I to prove such a thing? It is (logically) impossible to prove. She does not want to break up but she does intend to, and not because she does not love me but simply because she says I am dangerous for her. She says that if we break up now she will recover but if we stay together and I pull this **** again she will be damaged for life. Now we are having a 2 week break and I really miss her, I feel bad and I want to make her trust me again so that we can continue our relationship.

 

I want to stay with her and I am sure that I can stay faithful to her in the future, just by avoiding alcohol when going out solo, going out with friends (so I can not take off), masturbating before I go out and most importantly just thinking of what my girlfriend means to me whenever a girl speaks to me. Ideas and opinions are really welcome because I have no clue what I should do. Breaking up might be the best option logically but we all know the most logical option is not always the best one because humans just aren't logical creatures.

 

Please refrain from posting thing like "You deserve it if she leaves you" or "You are a jackass", I can assure you that my friends have told me these things enough already. I want ideas on how to repair the damage I have caused if it can be repaired. Thank you in advance.

[CarrieT]

You can't repair the damage.

 

And you aren't going to get much other advice here beyond, "leave her."

 

Look, you are 25 - go sow your wild oats without trying to have a relationship. Sometime around your 30s or so, you might be ready for a relationship, but I wouldn't advise trying to maintain monogamy before then.

[mike_89]

You can't repair the damage.

 

And you aren't going to get much other advice here beyond, "leave her."

 

Look, you are 25 - go sow your wild oats without trying to have a relationship. Sometime around your 30s or so, you might be ready for a relationship, but I wouldn't advise trying to maintain monogamy before then.

Thank you for your honest reaction.

 

I expected that I'd already have done enough things to be ready for a monogamous relationship, I have racked up quite a number already (not talking 10 or 20 here) and experimented with quite a lot of things (such as couples clubs). I daresay I have more experience that 90% of the population will ever have in their life, should it not be enough yet?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for your honest reaction.

 

I expected that I'd already have done enough things to be ready for a monogamous relationship, I have racked up quite a number already (not talking 10 or 20 here) and experimented with quite a lot of things (such as couples clubs). I daresay I have more experience that 90% of the population will ever have in their life, should it not be enough yet?

 

Well, you're still not able to stay monogamous, so apparently not.

 

No matter what measures you take, she is going to be hurt for a long, long time. You betrayed her recently, not "several months ago." February was not so long ago, OP. She is going to wonder where you are and what/who you're doing for a a good while to come. Honestly, I would let her go. You don't sound ready to remain faithful at this point. She deserves someone who is on the same page sexually. There's not necessarily anything wrong with being sexually adventurous and curious; but there is something wrong when you break your partner's trust to do so.

 

P.S. I hope for your girlfriend's sake that you at least had the sense to protect yourself.

[CarrieT]

I have more experience that 90% of the population will ever have in their life, should it not be enough yet?

Nope.

 

I was like you and continued with clubs and swinging and multiple partners until my late 40s.

 

It takes a long time before you believe it is "enough." You are just beginning to taste it and I seriously doubt you will want to stop for a while.

[No Limit]

You're not mature enough for a relationship and already write it yourself that you have problems with monogamy.

 

She knows better, hence why she's taking her leave. And yes, you are a danger for her sanity. Leave her be, there's nothing you can do unless you're smart enough to invent a device that let's you travel back in time.

[Darren Steez]

Hi,

 

I have found this forum through Google and it seems like this is the correct place to ask for ideas and suggestions for my particular problem. I am a 25 year old male with a 20 year old girlfriend.

 

My current situation: I have always had enormous issues with monogamy, people have always told me it's the age, personally I think I might just have a too high testosterone level (I have family members that have been tested positive for this and it is heritable). There is a very strong urge to have sex with other girls, so much that I actually feel bad when a girl makes a move on me and I do not respond. Not any specific person that I am very attracted to as would be with an affair, but just attractive women in general. Now I have a girlfriend that I love very much and I do not want to live without her, it is in fact difficult to imagine a life without her. I have discussed these feelings with her, how it is completely unrelated to my love for her and all my body wants to do is just "stick my penis in some other girl", how it really does not make me love or even like that other girl but it has always remained quite difficult for her to truly understand and accept this (she always told me she understood but I doubt that she really absorbed the information).

 

Eventually we had a really bad time for several months and after I had attempted to break up with her (both times she convinced me to stay) I cheated on her. This was several months ago (February). Afterwards I came to appreciate her a lot more and we had a very happy time with each other until, of course, I told her I have cheated on her. Naturally she is devastated. She wanted to break up with me because everybody she knows tells her that she should break up with me, but she does not truly want to leave me. She told me that she still loves me very much and whenever she tells me that we should break up her eyes fill up with tears (as do mine). I want to stay with her, I really do not want to lose her but I do not see how I can repair the damage I have caused.

 

She tells me that she still loves me but the problem, according to her, is that she can not trust me. She had started trusting me only after my last attempt to break up because she felt that if we could get through such a bad time together it really means something. Now she says that we never got through the bad time together (since I cheated) and that all the trust she had gained has been destroyed. She wants me to prove to her that I can be trusted but how am I to prove such a thing? It is (logically) impossible to prove. She does not want to break up but she does intend to, and not because she does not love me but simply because she says I am dangerous for her. She says that if we break up now she will recover but if we stay together and I pull this **** again she will be damaged for life. Now we are having a 2 week break and I really miss her, I feel bad and I want to make her trust me again so that we can continue our relationship.

 

I want to stay with her and I am sure that I can stay faithful to her in the future, just by avoiding alcohol when going out solo, going out with friends (so I can not take off), masturbating before I go out and most importantly just thinking of what my girlfriend means to me whenever a girl speaks to me. Ideas and opinions are really welcome because I have no clue what I should do. Breaking up might be the best option logically but we all know the most logical option is not always the best one because humans just aren't logical creatures.

 

Please refrain from posting thing like "You deserve it if she leaves you" or "You are a jackass", I can assure you that my friends have told me these things enough already. I want ideas on how to repair the damage I have caused if it can be repaired. Thank you in advance.

 

You deserve it if she leaves

 

It's her choice. Healing will take time. But once that sacred trust is broken, it can never be repaired. You confessed. Good. You're working on your issues. Good. But you still seem to be have to consciously fight the urge to do wrong.

If you don't masturbate do that mean you lose control when you go out because you're so horny?

 

When a girl talks to you, you have to think about your girl to stop you flirting or going further?

 

Give it time but also, if you want her to be happy then listen to her and give her space to decide.

[mike_89]

Thanks everybody above for responding, I too am starting to think it is just better for all parties involved if we split up, at least for a while.

 

If you don't masturbate do that mean you lose control when you go out because you're so horny?

 

When a girl talks to you, you have to think about your girl to stop you flirting or going further?

 

Give it time but also, if you want her to be happy then listen to her and give her space to decide.

 

Well I confessed these feelings (wanting to have sex with other girls) but afterwards these feelings did not go away. It is indeed very hard to stay in control, especially when I have not masturbated before going out, I have used alcohol or have a stressful time in general. My mind does not go blank or anything when I am talking to another girl but my mind focuses entirely on having sex with her and I can not stop that from happening.

At these moments when I think of my girlfriend the significance of our relationship seems to pale, it just does not seem that important any more. Until of course afterwards when I realise how stupid these urges are and that it is in no way worth losing my girlfriend over. When I cheated that one time, after leaving the girl's house I immediately recognised my mistake and that sleeping with that one girl was not worth it but I cannot stop my body from reacting to new girls. It is retarded because I logically know that sex with my girlfriend is much (much!) better and that I would cause a lot of damage and still I cannot stop this from happening. It is very frustrating.

[soniathompsonward]

Seriously, the damage is done. TOO LATE. Imagine if YOU were the one that got cheated...

[ffsear]

Maybe your insecure and its not about the sex at all. As you've said you've only actually cheated on her once! Perhaps its the need for women to desire you and the fear of feeling like a failure if they don't.

[maturityassets]

As another had commented it might be insecurity. I know the moments I feel that urge of temptation is when I feel like it associates with my attractiveness. The more women = more attractive and you feel you have to prove it to yourself. But most people do end up regretting the action of cheating even years down later because it's never worth it. Sleeping with one extra girl doesn't prove anything and you will still feel insecure regardless.

 

Monogamy requires a lot of self acknowledgement. Understanding why you are in the relationship you are in and what you searching for. Ultimately monogamy is more than passion, love and sex. It is a trust, partnership, a helping of one another, a friendship and partner. It's not always fun, pleasant or sexy. But it does require an understanding of your needs and if you feel you aren't ready for monogamy then you can't force it.

[mike_89]

The problem is that his ex is saying it ISN'T too late for them.

Well so far it is not too late indeed. She is not my ex yet and she wants to give me a second chance. Her room-mates tell her she is being an idiot and she should ditch me right away (they are all guys who got cheated on by their girlfriends) but most of her friends and her sisters say that she should give me another chance. She considers this to be a fairly strong argument since one of her friends also had a boyfriend cheat on her and they stayed together happily for another couple of years.

I am really doing my best to keep her with me and proposed some nice ideas to keep the spice in our relationship (for example that after every 1.5 months we should not see each other for 1 week and then have a new "first date"). To make sure that I don't take her for granted (because I believe this is the seed of all problems). She will not leave me just yet but she says that she wants to see what things are like in a month or so from now.

[iiiii]

Maybe you need to find a girl who will agree to have an open relationship with you. That way you can sow your wild oats, and have a stable relationship too.

 

I doubt it will be this girl, though, unless you are particularly lucky.

[crederer]

Well so far it is not too late indeed. She is not my ex yet and she wants to give me a second chance. Her room-mates tell her she is being an idiot and she should ditch me right away (they are all guys who got cheated on by their girlfriends) but most of her friends and her sisters say that she should give me another chance. She considers this to be a fairly strong argument since one of her friends also had a boyfriend cheat on her and they stayed together happily for another couple of years.

I am really doing my best to keep her with me and proposed some nice ideas to keep the spice in our relationship (for example that after every 1.5 months we should not see each other for 1 week and then have a new "first date"). To make sure that I don't take her for granted (because I believe this is the seed of all problems). She will not leave me just yet but she says that she wants to see what things are like in a month or so from now.

 

Not your ex yet? You've been on a break for 2 weeks. I got news for you man, it's the same thing. It sounds like you're not even really into her to be honest. You're just intimidated by this new feeling of being single.

 

And this whole testosterone thing is bull. Everyone gets those urges but can repress them. I also have high levels of testosterone and never cheated on a gf.

[mike_89]

Not your ex yet? You've been on a break for 2 weeks. I got news for you man, it's the same thing. It sounds like you're not even really into her to be honest. You're just intimidated by this new feeling of being single.

 

And this whole testosterone thing is bull. Everyone gets those urges but can repress them. I also have high levels of testosterone and never cheated on a gf.

We would've been on a break for 2 weeks but after the first week we saw each other again and so far we are seeing each other again 2-3 times a week, just like before our break. Sometimes she has a bit of a breakdown and gets really angry with me (quite understandable) and she tells me she is not entirely sure if she will be able to forgive me but so far things are going as well as they can given the situation.

 

About your testosterone and urge thing, it boils down to whether or not you believe free will exists. Several men in my family have been diagnosed with a pathologically high testosterone level, I have not yet been tested. My uncle is the most severe case with a testosterone level 3 times as high as the average. Needless to say he is in jail for several years now. I can guarantee you that if someone were to inject you with a large enough amount of [insert hormone X] your behaviour would change accordingly. Makes you question free will, right? Does it serve as a justification? No. But does it serve as an explanation? I don't see why not.

[SoleMate]

If your testosterone-driven sex drive is truly uncontrollable, what other problems will it cause? I'm just questioning whether it's truly uncontrollable as you suggest. Can I assume you'd never have sex against a woman's will, with a minor, with big bad Leroy Brown's woman, with the gf of one of your friends, with a married woman, with a prostitute, or with a vulnerable drug-impaired or emotionally disturbed woman who comes on to you? High testosterone should cause aggression...do you start fights in bars and end up punching strangers on slight provocation? Do you have road rage, scream at people, speed dangerously? Do you get injured frequently, do dangerous stunts, and maybe even commit crimes? Etc.

 

I do understand you get a very strong physical and mental reaction when around available women in a bar setting. One way to address that - if you were serious about controlling the cheating behavior - would be to never allow yourself to be in that situation, as well as using the other practical methods self-release) to reduce your desire level to something you can control.

 

But maybe monogamy just isn't for you. It's a package and it works well only when both people are ready for it and want it. For men, this means the desire for an intimate and trusting partnership is stronger than the undoubted desire for sex with others. Your family history trains you to think of your sex drive as an unstoppable force of nature. Regardless of the biology, just the family legends affects your thinking and may be causing you to think you're very different from other men, feeling-wise, when in fact you've given little hard evidence that you have a biological basis for high testosterone and consequent inability to control our sex drive. Maybe you should go get tested now. If you find out your testosterone is normal, or low, will you do anything differently? Will you think differently? Why not get tested?

Edited May 11, 2014 by SoleMate

[mike_89]

If your testosterone-driven sex drive is truly uncontrollable,

...

Will you think differently? Why not get tested?

Well I don't get tested because it's quite expensive and it doesn't get covered by my medical insurance

 

I don't just get this response in a bar setting, I get it at work, in college, basically everywhere. A bar or club just makes it easier to act upon this response. The thing about it being uncontrollable is difficult to judge. There are so many variables, bottom line is that I can usually resist it when a woman comes on to me during daytime if I haven't had any alcohol and I'm not in a stressful time. It becomes a lot harder at night, with alcohol and if I have a stressful time (probably because my usual response to cope with stress always was to go out and get laid), these things seem to affect my will power.

 

And yes, I do have a very strong urge for aggression. Some days it even feels like I have to go out and beat someone up because I feel so incredibly agitated, especially if I have worked out several times in that week. What bugs me most is that this seems to happen without any clear cause. When I have such days I deliberately stay inside and go outside only when I have to (work, college, buying food), and play some video games until the feeling is gone. When I have to work with other people I just approach the matter by not caring about it, because if I do care and people disagree with me or get in my space I get aggressive very quickly. Since this method for controlling my aggression works so well (I haven't been in a fight for almost a year now) I want to apply it to my sexual desire as well. Avoiding difficult situations, frequent masturbation and telling myself when I see attractive women that my girlfriend is more attractive and that it isn't worth losing her for some sex.

[Leigh 87]

If you, as you so eloquently put it, "need to stick your d*ck in other women", then you really shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Why is it such a hard concept to understand? Relationships, for most, include monogamy.

 

If you feel intense urges to bang other women, your best bet is to not commit to a woman who wants a monogamous relationship.

 

You are so selfish, you want the comfort, the regular sex, and the companionship but you sure as heck DO NOT want to commit to the one woman for the rest of your life.

 

My ex also had a hard time breaking up with me when he cheated, he grew to love me but was never in love with me. I KNOW it is hard to say goodbye to a person you are truly close to, it causes tears and it is near impossible to stay away when all you want to do is hug this familiar person who you have been with for years.

[Leigh 87]

There are swingers websites and open relationship minded women who could give you the comfort and good parts of a loving relationship, while you and your partner are free to go and scr3w other people. Maybe you can even sleep with the same people together, in threesomes!

 

There are women who are down for that. There are people out there who want what you want.

 

How disgusting is it keeping this poor girl around when she is CLEARLY wired for monogamy and you CLEARLY want to shag other women/>!

[RemainUnchanged]

Mike_89,

 

 

You do not have the slightest clue what you are talking about with regards to "being diagnosed with high testosterone".

 

I know people who literally inject themselves with synthetic testosterone (legal in my country). Their levels range from 5-10x the very TOP of the scale of endogenous testosterone in a normal human male (roughly 1100 nanograms per deciliter). "Normal" is typically between 276-1100ng/dl, theirs are well over 6000ng/dl...While their sex drives are elevated, none of them have had the slightest bit of difficulty with monogamy, and they are not aggressive at all..

 

You may be toward the top of the range, but it is unlikely that you are above it. You would most certainly suffer from enlarged breasts, increased water retention, etc.. (due to elevated estrogen as a result of aromatase activity).

 

 

Anyways... what I am trying to say is, you do not have high testosterone...you just have a bit of growing up to do

 

but I digress,

 

I sincerely hope this helps