My Story (very long) - insight welcomed and appreciated.

[PachucaSunrise]

I've been quietly reading through your posts/responses for a few months now and I believe I'm ready to share my story. By doing so, I'm hoping it may give me some sort of personal closure, possibly help someone else out, or just give me the strength to pick up the pieces of my life and move on once and for all. It's time.

 

I'd like to thank EVERYONE in advance for sharing so much of your personal lives and stories. It's truly been a great help and a huge wake-up call in realizing that I am not alone in what I have gone through. I apologize if I misuse any terminology, but I'll do my best to stick to the rules. Finally, I'd like to thank all of you for taking the time to read what I have to write -it's a SUPER long one.

 

Like I have read many, many times here on LS, I NEVER, EVER expected to find myself in this sort of situation... Never in a million years, but alas, here I am. I made some very poor choices, and although I am most certainly paying for them now, I also believe that these poor choices will ultimately be some of the biggest (and most difficult) lessons I will have to learn (the hard way) in life's journey. And most importantly, I hope they will somehow make me a better person, in time.

 

My A was very short and fleeting, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, I was the single OW to a MM. And like I've read here on LS time and time again, I really believed my story was unique. In some ways, I still do, but realistically, it seems as though these sorts of things follow a typical format.

 

Typically, we never meant for it to happen. Shocker, right?! We reconnected through mutual friends on a social media site. I firmly believe that he was looking for some sort of outlet - a person to express his life story to - an open and understanding ear. Fully knowing that he was a MM, I still chose to be that person. Throughout the time we talked (which, naturally, became more and more as each day passed), we both continually told one another that what we were experiencing was completely innocent - a true friendship bond - but when he began sharing things with me that he should have been sharing with his W, and I began sharing things with him that I should have been sharing with my BF, we crossed the line. We knew it too, but we made ourselves believe otherwise. I take full responsibility for my actions; I just wish I had went about things in a much different manner.

 

He went through a very difficult time during his M. Besides family, I was one of the first people he chose to share his story with. Three years prior to us talking, his W became pregnant with their first and only child. Without his knowledge, she became addicted to prescription medication before and during her pregnancy. She delivered their child while addicted, almost lost her life, and the baby was born heavily addicted to medication as well. MM was told this for the first time in the delivery room while making decisions on how to proceed with caring not only for his W, who was very sick, but for his newborn child as well. Both recovered, and M life went on as planned. Months later, his W became addicted once again, an intervention was performed, and she went to rehab, where she ended up cheating on him with someone in the program. He found this out through a phone call initiated by her therapist (with her entire family connected through the phone call as well). Needless to say, he went through two completely separate nightmares.

 

Now, I am not discounting either of our roles in our A; I'm just giving some background information to explain how we ended up where we did. After "bonding" and sharing stories with one another, and of course after hearing his story, we began to connect on an emotional level. I know he loved his W, but after all he had been through with her, I firmly believed that their M was over when she cheated. Yes, after MC, and trying to R, things did get better for some time. But, ultimately, after becoming sober, as he said to me, his W "Was no longer the same person she was when they married." I do believe that, and I certainly believe that getting to know a newly sober person, especially a W/H, would be a very difficult task. So, for three years, he chose to stay with her, 'somewhat' forgive her, and stay together in hopes that they could raise their child as a connected family, as both of them had come from D families.

 

When I look back now, I know exactly what I should have done. When he told me his story and I naturally began to feel for him, I should have told him to quit talking to me, sit down and have a heart-to-heart with his W, and make a decision on how to proceed with their M based on THEIR issues - not an outside influence (me). However, I was too much of a coward to do that, and he was too much of a coward to fully communicate his feelings with his W. He WAS NOT happy, not since the addiction incident. He expressed numerous times to me just how much he missed his 'old' life - the life where he was able to go out to dinner and have a glass of wine with with his W, go to a baseball game and have a beer with her, go to concerts, etc. Ever since she became sober, he had his "drinking nights," where she would immediately go to bed after attending a 'meeting', while he sat alone downstairs, caught a buzz, and watched some TV. He had zero interest in getting to know his 'new' W. As a whole, their lives and mutual interests completely changed in a matter of minutes. Sex became a chore, and if he had a beer that night, she would not kiss him because of his beer breath. So in essence, they were intimate occasionally, but the passion was gone, and that was just another aspect that took a major toll on their M.

 

So, instead of becoming so overly involved with HIS side of the story and his M, I know I should have cut ties right then and there, told him to figure out what he ultimately wanted, and to possibly call me sometime down the road when he figured his s$it out. I didn't do that, though, and that's something I'm still struggling with. I know I was used and that I allowed it to happen. He 'tried' me out, but I also believe he was confused, and instead of confusing his situation any more, I know I should have just walked away. That would have been the most loving thing I could have done. And I now know that the most loving thing he could have done for me was to have let me go as well, at least until he figured out his life.

 

Our R was based solely on communication, as he lived two hours away and we had never actually met in person. Communication was all we had, and we were both phenomenal at it. But we were also both very, very curious. Curious to see if what we felt for each other through all the sharing and connecting via different forms of technology was in fact, REAL. Well, it happened - we met - and the attraction combined with our similar interests and personalities, etc., were completely on target. We both said it the very first time we met... "We're screwed." And we most certainly were. As typical as this may sound, I've never felt more comfortable with someone in all the times we were together. It was so natural that it almost felt as if we were old friends who reconnected after several years. We held back NOTHING. We had both been through many relationships throughout the years (his longest, 13 years) and were experienced enough to express exactly what we wanted from each other, a relationship, how to make things work, how we always wanted to be honest and open with our thoughts and feelings, to never go to bed angry, and how we wanted to do things the 'right' way, being that we had learned so much from our crappy past relationship experiences. We truly developed more than just a friendship bond - I honestly believe we developed a mutual love for each other. That's the one thing he told me the last time we talked - that all of it - everything, was indeed real. All the "I love you's" were honest and true.

 

Typically, we made many plans for the future - me eventually moving, us living together, me eventually becoming a step-mother to his child, me applying for jobs in his area, making a family of our own, and the list goes on and on... And since we went about things the 'wrong' way, in a dishonest manner, we wanted to make things 'right', as best as we could with all the wrong we had done.

 

Eventually, he became careless while communicating with me, and then D-Day happened. We decided that we needed to "chill" for a while as the dust settled - to keep things "cool" and pretend that we had gotten together after his D. Well, everything backfired once reality hit. Understandably so, his W gave him ultimatums, and when push came to shove, I'm the one who got the boot as they decided to work on their M. A week passed, and after talking through things, he and his W decided to follow through with the D. He backed off and she began texting me, wanting to get the 'whole story'. I reluctantly responded to her texts (before communicating with him), and naturally, our stories didn't match up. I later found out that he didn't want to tell her EVERYTHING, as he would be "adding salt to the wounds."

 

And then, the reality of his W's position truly hit me. Yes, she had done some pretty awful things to him in the past, but what I did to her was not, in any way, right or morally acceptable. Two wrongs DO NOT make a right - this is a perfect example of that. And so I put myself in her shoes. Yes, I would most definitely want to know the 'whole story' had I been her... And so I let her know that I would answer any questions she had. She religiously texted me on a daily basis, so much that it became somewhat overwhelming. At this point, I was DONE with worrying about MM's feelings, as he so easily threw me under the bus, and so I said that if she wanted to know the entire truth that I would email her. Well, she got the whole truth and thanked me for it. She continued to keep in contact with me, but there became a point where I just had nothing left to offer her. I was honest, sincere, genuinely apologetic, but I had to tell her that it was time for the both of us to try to move on from this situation, and that it was doing neither of us any good continuously rehashing every little detail of the A. MM didn't know we were keeping in contact until she forwarded him the email I sent her. Obviously, he was furious as he later told me, but I was (or was trying to be) beyond looking out for him.

 

She ceased her contact with me that day and he resumed his. He told me that she was moving out, they were following through with the D, and to "keep everything between us from now on and leave her out of it," and that all this would blow over in time. He also expressed his hope that I wasn't 'done' with him, that he could "really use a friend," and for me to "please stay in touch." That's the last I've heard from either of them and it's been precisely 4 weeks. I have not reached out to either of them in any way, either.

 

My head has been left spinning. There is not one minute of the day that I don't think about this situation. I do know for a fact that they are definitely getting a D and are having issues with the custody of their child. After D-Day, MM and I ceased all contact on every and any social media site. That has not changed, and from what I have gathered, although his accounts are still visible, he has more or less disappeared from everything.

 

I know that I am not the primary cause of their D, but I do know that I played a role. I more or less 'sped up' the process, and that's something I'm having a very difficult time digesting. Yes, I fully know that what I did was wrong and in no way justifiable. If I could go back and do things differently, I'd do so in a heartbeat. But at the same time, I feel as though I've owned up to my mistakes as much as I possibly could. The guilt has been one thing, the loss of my self-respect has been another, the hurt I am partially to blame for causing makes my stomach turn, and then there is him... The one thing I am thankful for is the age of his child - hopefully too young to fully understand the magnitude of the situation.

 

So, this time of NC with everything surrounding my situation has been horrific. I have become depressed, so much that I almost stopped taking care of myself. I've lost nearly 20 pounds from a lack of appetite. And quite honestly, as embarrassing as this is, it's a struggle just to take a shower. Thankfully, I am going to see a therapist this coming week and am very hopeful that will start me on my road to recovery. I'm having a very difficult time thinking about all the 'what-if's and 'could be's' - I obsess about them. There's no denying that my feelings toward MM are exactly the same as they were months ago. I almost wish as though I never even met him, as I would not be thinking of all that we shared, (which also turned into many broken promises). One of our biggest curiosities during our A was "did we meet for a reason?" I'm beginning to think that we certainly did - so I could be used as a catalyst for his D and be left heart-broken.

 

But the upside? As I'm trying my very best to see? I made some HUGE mistakes, but I did as much as I possibly could to make them somewhat right. I really did give it all I had. Additionally, I will soon be in therapy. I recently joined a gym (haven't gotten there just yet, though). I also joined a dating site (although I don't know if I'm fully ready for that). I still think it's a good idea just to keep myself out there in the dating pool. I don't have to commit to anything, but talking to new people can certainly help speed up my healing process. And as heart-wrenching as this period of NC has been, it's probably for the best. Let me re-phrase that - it IS for the best. Even if things were to eventually work out with MM and myself (I know, it's ridiculous that I still have that hope), there's just no way that he will be (or should be) ready to jump into any sort of romantic relationship. If anything is meant to be, I believe that the more time spent apart to reflect, the better. And lastly, if he were to come back around at some point (I refuse to contact him even though it's very, very difficult), this time will give me the strength and reality check that I so desperately need to fully realize if I would even want him in my life or not.

 

So, that's my story. I feel so much better just from writing it. Thank you for allowing me to do so. And I sincerely thank all who read this - regardless of the feedback I get.

 

I wish you all the best in your healing journeys. It's one of the most difficult situations I've ever been in, and I can certainly understand and empathize with all of you in one way or another.

 

Love and light to all.

[Charlie Harper]

Dont date !

 

Heal yourself, focus on your therapy, and what made you make those mistakes. You are not alone, nor the first to commit such mistakes.

 

YOU WILL SURVIVE/PULL THROUGH....just move on, don't dwell on the past... yes its easier said than done but its the only way.

 

Exercise, do yoga, join other groups, see your f friends... don't abandon yourself or think little of yourself..

sometimes the best relationships go astray because people don't want to make a real commitment or put words into action, you can't make somebody change if they don't want to....so forget about it and focus on healing yourself, and be aware that next time you will have a better understanding and experience from this relationship...

 

Big hug, and my best wishes.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow. Just wow.

 

Aside from some details, you just wrote my story.

 

You are stronger than I was, though. You WILL be okay. I totally know how it feels to have difficulty functioning. Get all the help you need.

 

You are very self-aware and clearly intelligent and you have learned hard lessons from the shattering of your heart. I am so sorry for your pain. I truly, truly understand the level of communication and sharing and emotional intimacy that you had with this man - I had that too. It is SO hard to let go of that.

 

Take care. And please keep posting.

[chelsea2011]

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you contnue to work on yourself and that one day soon the "obsessing" about him will start to fade and eventually stop so you see the situation with clarity. I also hope that he stays away from you and let's you heal. And if he does ever come back around it is after he has gone through therapy himself and has seen clearly that he handled things very badly. He shouldn't have involved you in his personal life and she should have stopped as well after you answered her questions. It sounds like she traded one addiction for another and that addiction was communicating with you far and beyond what is normal in this situation.

 

You don't owe anyone anything beyond this point except yourself - you owe yourself the right to heal. Focus on learning to protect your boundaries from people like them so they can't run over them and take advantage of your good nature. The reality is that he's a piece of crap who created upheaval in your life and left you standing alone to pick up all of the pieces. Learn from this and don't have anyting to do with him again unless he has sought help and understands how wrong he was for treating you that way.

[PachucaSunrise]

Charlie, Hope, and Chelsea - THANK YOU! Honestly, thank you so, so much for taking the time to reply to my thread. I really needed all of your words of wisdom and I appreciate them so very much.

 

As Charlie suggested, I doubt if I'm ready to date. And so I went on my dating account last night (immediately after posting "my story" on here), to possibly disable my account for a while... And the unthinkable happened. I received a message from HIM. After 4 weeks of NC, he reached out. Now, he has several different ways in which he can get in touch with me (in my mind, the phone would be the classiest form of contact), but he chose to reach out to me on a dating site, of all places. I feel as though I was hit in the face with a pile of bricks. How ironic that I would hear from him just as I gained enough courage to share my story on here?! His message - "Looking good. Ha! I hope all is well young lady!" If my head wasn't spinning enough as it was, now I am completely clueless as to how I'm going to handle this. My gut is telling me that most of you will advise me to simply ignore his message. I'd like to do that, but I honestly don't know how long I will be able to hold out. On one hand, I'd like for him to know that I'm doing A-OK (it may 'look' as though I am, being that I'm on a dating site, but that's far from the truth), and on the other hand, I feel the need to express how heartless it was for him to reach out to me on a dating site. I know I need to avoid going over and over all the questions racing through my mind at the moment, but that's going to be next to impossible for me to do. But honestly, WHY? WHY would he get in touch with me in such a manner? WHY would he get in touch with me AT ALL? Great, he's letting me know that he has moved on from our situation, but to throw it in my face?!

 

When we last spoke, 4 weeks ago, he made sure to tell me to "stay in touch," and although I said that I would, and as difficult as it was for me to avoid reaching out to him, I DID NOT... AT ALL, and neither did he. Now this?! If I didn't receive a message from him, I would have had NO IDEA that he was using that site as well, and that probably would have been for the best. He lives 2 hours away from me, and I have my account set up so that I WOULD NOT be matched with anyone beyond my ideal radius of distance (which, of course, does not include anywhere near where he lives). So, there really aren't many ways he could have 'found' me unless that's exactly what he tried to do. I'm just so confused...

 

Hope - I'm going to try to find your story on here. I'm very curious to see the similarities between our situations. And it seems as though you're well on your road to recovery. I'm very happy for you! I know you were once where I currently am, and although I'm sorry you had to go through this as well, it is nice to see the clarity of what you had to say. I really want to have that someday (with TONS of hard work, of course)! I guess everyone learns something from someone else on here in one way or another - that's very refreshing to see.

 

Chelsea - I'd like to read about your story as well. You had some very wise words to share with me and I am very appreciative of them. It really helps when you hear what you NEED to hear from another person's perspective. Thank you, sincerely.

 

And Charlie - thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone with the mistakes I've made. That's a very comforting thought. I realize that there's nothing I can do to change the past, but in learning from my mistakes, I know that I can make a better future for myself, or possibly help another person to avoid making the same mistakes I have. BIG hugs right back to you as well.

 

Any advice on what I posted above would be GREATLY appreciated. Again, thank you all for reading - I am immensely grateful.

[Charlie Harper]

Our EX know how to push our buttons, and sometimes even if they dump us, they want to know if we are "over" or we are still willing to "reconnect". Its a sad egomaniac game that only makes you wonder/sad/confused/insecure.

Move on, there will be persons who will appreciate your feelings, your life and make a relationship better. Also you will know better when to back up, when you are being lied to and avoid bad experiences.

 

Just yesterday I had 3 different invitations from women, they called me and invited me....I declined all 3, not because I want to play hard to get, but I had other stuff to do and most important I am not ready yet.... be honest if you are still hurt insecure and it hurts, break contact and don't look back, entertaining a future is a sure way for a big bag of hurt.

 

Be strong and thanks for the info and honesty.

[Hope Shimmers]

So was he a member of this dating site or did he just search around on it in order to see if you were there? If he contacted you through the site, it would seem he is a member of it. Are you surprised by that? (honest question)

 

As for why he chose to contact you through the site, he probably just wanted to make the point that he knows you are actively dating now and he saw your profile on there. I can think of several reasons (all selfish) why he might want to do that.

 

As for my story, the details aren't all necessarily similar to yours but the level of emotional intimacy very much was similar.

 

So did you decide to contact him back? I hope you just ignored him...

[PachucaSunrise]

Charlie - there is so much truth in what you wrote, and I couldn't agree with you more. It really helps to 'see' it through someone else's eyes, so thank you for that.

 

Like you, I've been declining many dates as well, and for the same reasons. I'm just not ready. It would be unfair to others (as well as to myself) to even try to fake it. I think there will come a point where we just KNOW when it's time to jump back on the saddle, and as much as I'd like that time to be RIGHT NOW, it's just not possible. And in the long run, I think we're both doing ourselves (as well as the people we would potentially date) a huge favor. Best of luck to you as you continue on your healing journey.

 

Hope - he is a member of the dating site and I was honestly very surprised to see that. I doubt the ink is even dry on his D papers. Silly me. I guess we both kinda had the same idea at around the same time - to throw ourselves back out there with the hopes of moving on ASAP.

 

I did message him back, but I'm not exactly upset with myself for doing so. I didn't answer until he sent a second message, and I said some things that I've always wanted to say. Being that one of his messages said something like, "I'm doing really well, actually! On my own and loving it! Cheating was the BEST thing I ever did... Minus hurting you", I was simply unable to keep my mouth shut after that message. I was cordial and somewhat polite (although a little sarcastic) in my response, but I finally had the guts to put MY feelings first instead of everyone else's. And I'll tell you what... It actually felt pretty good. His comment hurt like H$ll and really hit below the belt, but it also gave me some sort of clarity and maybe even some of the closure I so desperately needed. He tried to further explain himself, but it just doesn't matter at this point. Now I FULLY understand that it REALLY is time to move on.

 

And I know I shouldn't be concerned with his actions in any way, but I think it's only natural to wonder... I realize that I am in NO shape to date right now, but it blows my mind to see that he's out there having a good time and living it up (or at least trying to portray that he is). Did either of us mean anything at all to him (His W and myself)? Is he just pushing himself back into the dating game (like I tried to) to mask the pain of going through a D? I mean, I wasn't even M, and I'm still having a very difficult time even THINKING about dating. How is it so easy for him?! And I know I shouldn't feel this way either, but I honestly feel sorry for the women he will end up dating - they will have no idea what they're getting themselves into... I couldn't imagine being M, having a very recent A, being in the process of a D, and trying to date?! So, I guess I can consider myself lucky in many ways. I'm not going to have to deal with all of the drama that comes along with dating an emotionally confused man, because really, that's just a big mess. I'm dealing with all the hurt and pain RIGHT NOW, and as much as it sucks, I firmly believe that facing it head-on will only help me in the long run so I will finally be ready and emotionally available when the right guy comes along. I know it's not at all about winning, but I feel as though I'm eventually going to come out on top, and that gives me so much hope.

 

Thanks all, for listening. As always, it's greatly appreciated.

[Speakingofwhich]

PachucaSunrise, the way I see things from what you wrote is that this man loves you and joined the dating site not to date but to contact you. And in so doing to let you know he knew you were moving on. Thus, bringing everything out in the open in a congenial way. By the way he phrased his greeting to you, I would guess he was hurt to find you there.

 

By this time, had you decided you didn't want to be involved with him anymore? Your respect for him and/or feelings for him had deteriorated?

 

Just trying to understand where you stood in regards to your feelings for him during and after those four weeks when you were NC with him.

[PachucaSunrise]

PachucaSunrise, the way I see things from what you wrote is that this man loves you and joined the dating site not to date but to contact you. And in so doing to let you know he knew you were moving on. Thus, bringing everything out in the open in a congenial way. By the way he phrased his greeting to you, I would guess he was hurt to find you there.

 

Speakingofwhich - Thank you for your insight. I honestly never thought of it from this kind of perspective. After our first period of NC (immediately after D-day, lasting less than a week) I mentioned to him that I almost signed up for a dating site during that time, as I was completely lost, not having any clue which way to turn. All I knew was that I thought he went back to his W, and I wanted the hurt to end immediately. He was very taken back by that, but I explained that I truly thought we were DONE, and being that I honestly thought I HAD to move on with my life without him in it, I wanted to do everything possible to get him out of my head as soon as humanly possible. It sounds silly as I'm writing about it now, but from that point on, I was strictly in protection mode. We never talked about a D-day, but I made sure he was well aware that I always wanted to have him in my life in one way or another. That's something we both agreed on, but we were too naive to realize the true magnitude of the reality that an actual D-day would bring.

 

By this time, had you decided you didn't want to be involved with him anymore? Your respect for him and/or feelings for him had deteriorated?

 

Oh, no. From the very first moment we met, my feelings for him have always remained the same, even now. And as typical as this may sound, I've never experienced a love like him before, which is also something we often talked about. "Is this real? Do you honestly feel the same way? Have you ever experienced anything like this before?" These were questions we discussed on a daily basis. We argued and fought just as 'normal' couples do, but we also promised each other that we'd learn to work out our problems by doing our very best to communicate in a completely open and honest manner, which is something that neither of us did in previous relationships. In short, we wanted to learn from our past mistakes, and we were actually very good at it. (Sorry for the tangent).

 

Just trying to understand where you stood in regards to your feelings for him during and after those four weeks when you were NC with him.

 

We never actually agreed to go NC, it more or less kind of happened on its own. The last time we spoke, he asked me to keep in touch, but things had become so messy at that point that I was scared of any further rejection - I was terrified of it, actually, and so I did my best to protect myself. I also began to feel as though I was being toyed with between he and his W - as they both had previously maintained contact with me while they would throw it in each other's faces (who talked to me first that day, who knew what I said to who and those sorts of things). It was awful. I definitely could have reached out to him, to simply let him know that I was still invested, but I was entirely too scared to do so. So I basically let the 'keeping in touch' thing up to him. And after not hearing from him for a few days, I imagined all sorts of different situations playing out. And when a few days turned into 4 weeks, I thought he was either working things out with his W, or just didn't want to have anything to do with me. And so I followed through with that whole saying about setting something free. Deep down, I also knew that he needed time to sort out his life without me being a distraction, and quite honestly, he has at least 7 different ways in which he could reach out to me. I firmly believe that if he wanted to, he most certainly would have.

 

All in all, if the situation were reversed, I could certainly see myself feeling hurt, had I seen him on a dating site so soon (even though I did). So I guess it can go both ways, because really, we both did the same exact thing. I think I was just hoping that I would hear from him via text or phone call... ANYTHING besides a dating site... Telling me exactly what I wanted to hear - that the dust was beginning to settle and that we could finally begin to move along with our plans in a somewhat respectable manner. But that's just wishful thinking, I guess. I know that what's meant to be will find a way, but I will always have hope. And if it's not meant to be, for whatever reason, I truly do hope that we can become friends at some point, because aside from the terrible mess we created, everything we shared was based on a truly caring and loving friendship.

 

Thank you a million times over for your helpful feedback and insight. It really helps.

[Speakingofwhich]

PachucaSunrise, the way I see things from what you wrote is that this man loves you and joined the dating site not to date but to contact you. And in so doing to let you know he knew you were moving on. Thus, bringing everything out in the open in a congenial way. By the way he phrased his greeting to you, I would guess he was hurt to find you there.

 

Speakingofwhich - Thank you for your insight. I honestly never thought of it from this kind of perspective. After our first period of NC (immediately after D-day, lasting less than a week) I mentioned to him that I almost signed up for a dating site during that time, as I was completely lost, not having any clue which way to turn. All I knew was that I thought he went back to his W, and I wanted the hurt to end immediately. He was very taken back by that, maybe he was taken aback by finding you there after the 4 wks NC, too, not trying to hurt you but think it's a distinct possibilitybut I explained that I truly thought we were DONE,he may, then, equate finding you on there as you thinking the two of you were done. Possibly with all the trauma he's just been through he wasn't up to the possibility of rejection from you if he'd reached out to you and you told him you were done and being that I honestly thought I HAD to move on with my life without him in it, I wanted to do everything possible to get him out of my head as soon as humanly possible. It sounds silly as I'm writing about it now, but from that point on, I was strictly in protection mode.Understandable We never talked about a D-day, but I made sure he was well aware that I always wanted to have him in my life in one way or another. That's something we both agreed on, but we were too naive to realize the true magnitude of the reality that an actual D-day would bring.

 

By this time, had you decided you didn't want to be involved with him anymore? Your respect for him and/or feelings for him had deteriorated?

 

Oh, no. From the very first moment we met, my feelings for him have always remained the same, even now. And as typical as this may sound, I've never experienced a love like him before, which is also something we often talked about. "Is this real? Do you honestly feel the same way? Have you ever experienced anything like this before?" These were questions we discussed on a daily basis. We argued and fought just as 'normal' couples do, but we also promised each other that we'd learn to work out our problems by doing our very best to communicate in a completely open and honest manner, which is something that neither of us did in previous relationships. In short, we wanted to learn from our past mistakes, and we were actually very good at it. (Sorry for the tangent).

 

Just trying to understand where you stood in regards to your feelings for him during and after those four weeks when you were NC with him.

 

We never actually agreed to go NC, it more or less kind of happened on its own.While splitting up with his wife he was probably too overwhelmed to try to stay in touch with you. The last time we spoke, he asked me to keep in touch, but things had become so messy at that point that I was scared of any further rejection - I was terrified of it, actually, and so I did my best to protect myself. I also began to feel as though I was being toyed with between he and his W - as they both had previously maintained contact with me while they would throw it in each other's faces (who talked to me first that day, who knew what I said to who and those sorts of things). It was awful. I definitely could have reached out to him, to simply let him know that I was still invested, but I was entirely too scared to do so. So I basically let the 'keeping in touch' thing up to him. And after not hearing from him for a few days, I imagined all sorts of different situations playing out. And when a few days turned into 4 weeks, I thought he was either working things out with his W, or just didn't want to have anything to do with me. And so I followed through with that whole saying about setting something free. Understandable. Deep down, I also knew that he needed time to sort out his life without me being a distraction, and quite honestly, he has at least 7 different ways in which he could reach out to me. I firmly believe that if he wanted to, he most certainly would have. To my way of thinking he has reached out to you, when you were on the dating site. I think it's quite possible it was painful for him to find you there. I hope this doesn't make you feel bad.Just trying to give you a perspective that may be realistic and may help you understand why he didn't reach out to you after that. And why he just greeted you and didn't try to connect in a more meaningful way.

 

All in all, if the situation were reversed, I could certainly see myself feeling hurt, had I seen him on a dating site so soon (even though I didBut, since you'd told him before that you'd just about gotten on a dating site, he probably remembered and went searching for you there to see what your mindset was). So I guess it can go both ways, because really, we both did the same exact thing. I think I was just hoping that I would hear from him via text or phone call... ANYTHING besides a dating site...I can understand that. But, and I'm not being catty, but if you didn't want to hear from him on a dating site.........then maybe not go there. Speaking gently to you because it may help you understand. I think he loves you and is misunderstanding your behavior. Telling me exactly what I wanted to hear - that the dust was beginning to settle and that we could finally begin to move along with our plans in a somewhat respectable manner. But that's just wishful thinking, I guess. I know that what's meant to be will find a way, but I will always have hope. And if it's not meant to be, for whatever reason, I truly do hope that we can become friends at some point, because aside from the terrible mess we created, everything we shared was based on a truly caring and loving friendship.

 

Thank you a million times over for your helpful feedback and insight. It really helps.

 

PachucaSunrise, I have bolded and underlined my new responses to you in the above so they won't be confused with the bolded in your previous post.

 

I truly don't mean to cause you further pain by anything I've written but it sounds to me as if the two of you really love each other and are possibly misreading the other's mindset to the detriment of your emotions and R.

 

And he's divorced now, isn't he?

 

If so, and yet he believes you're trying to move on, he may want to connect with you but think you don't care as much for him as you told him you did.

 

Since he's been through a recent divorce his emotions have probably taken a beating and he just, frankly, may not have the fortitude to risk rejection from you at this point so is laying low.

 

Another factor to consider has probably influenced him is all the drama of the communication between you and his W. He may consider that you are pretty much fed up with the entire situation by now, wouldn't be open to connecting in a deeper way and the fact that you were on a dating site confirms it.

 

What I would hate to see happen for the two of you is for both of you to feel the same way, hurt about seeing the other on the dating site and then neither reach out to the other. Then one of you find someone else, yet still treasure the memory of the other and always wonder what could have been.

Edited May 1, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[PachucaSunrise]

Speakingofwhich - wow. Just WOW. Thank you so kindly for your incredibly insightful words. First and foremost, I DID NOT take anything you had to say in a hurtful manner, not in the least bit. You were completely honest, realistic, and non-judgmental, and I think what you had to say may be exactly what I needed to hear. In fact, I know it was. I greatly appreciate your responses.

 

He reached out to me twice on the dating site. The first time it was a "Lookin' good! Ha! Hope you are well young lady!" I didn't respond to that because I honestly didn't know what to say. The following day he sent me another message, "Hi... How ya been?" And then that's when I just played it cool, responding with a "Hey, hey! I've been alright, thanks. How about you?" Two days later is when he commented about cheating being the best thing he's ever done, and as you already know, that's when I felt the sting. I can certainly understand a little more of the reasoning in the manner of his responses now. I totally get it.

 

There's definitely quite a bit of misinterpretation going on, that's for sure. And being that the first times we've communicated in 4 weeks have only been through messages, I can certainly see how each of us may have gotten things somewhat misconstrued. We're both hurting in different ways. We're both also protecting ourselves for different reasons. In addition, we're both also insecure and very, very unsure about how to proceed with our situation. Finally, neither of us even know for sure if the other wants to fully communicate at all! But for whatever reason, he DID reach out, regardless of how he did it. I think I need to keep that in mind.

 

I now know that I definitely came off rather cold through my messages. I can certainly see that now as I'm reversing the situation. The truth is, I love him something fierce and I know that I always will. I fully feel in every bone in my body that the feeling was mutual... Not sure if it still is, but I highly doubt the kind of connection we had just disappears overnight. I am confident about the way he expressed his feelings towards me, and that they were indeed real. I was able to express them as well - we were on the same exact wavelength. Through arguing, fighting, all the ups and downs, not to mention, all of the truly wonderful times - it always came back to that undeniable sense of feeling completely loved, quirks and all. And if I ever want to see if this situation could possibly go anywhere, I need to swallow my pride once and for all. We've taken every chance possible to get where we've gotten, and quite frankly, I'm at the point where I have nothing left to lose.

 

As far as I know, the D is in the process of being finalized. I'm not sure what that entails, but I knew then (and even more so now) that he wanted it done ASAP. He is listed on the dating site as being 'single', so if it isn't finalized, I'm assuming it will be very soon.

 

There have been many times since D-day that he has expressed his worry that "I hate him" and how he knows I "would never want anything to do with him ever again." That's so far from the truth it's not even funny. I guess by responding in such a cold manner I probably only reassured his faulty thinking. I don't think it would hurt to send him another message, possibly in a day or two, to kind of take a step back and GENUINELY ask him how he's been. Because honestly, even if this never goes anywhere, I still care about him as a person and I would like to know. Does that sound reasonable to you?

 

Again, thank you tremendously, for your kind words of wisdom. I am very grateful.

[Speakingofwhich]

Does that sound reasonable to you?

 

Again, thank you tremendously, for your kind words of wisdom. I am very grateful.

 

 

Yes, it does sound reasonable to me. In your place I'd go so far as to suggest the two of you meeting for coffee or something after you get a reply back from him. Your latest post leads me to believe even more firmly what I wrote previously to you.

 

So glad you found my post helpful!

 

Btw, I have listed single instead of divorced before just checking boxes on forms and in a hurry, usually do list divorced, though.

 

Here's another thought. I can't remember if you are in IC or not but possibly you may want to think about it, and also he may. It sounds to me as if the two of you are both sensitive people and possibly one way you deal with stress in a R is to turn to others. I mention this because you went to a dating site to help you cope while still head over heels in love with him.

 

Do you think that if/when the two of you reunite it might be wise to go to counseling and deal with coping mechanisms? Also, trust issues the two of you may have. Idk, maybe you won't have any but it seems it could be a possibility.