Long distance..girl is making me stay at a hotel when I visit

[Mjm1014]

So I'm confused what to think. I met a girl at the bar about two months ago, and the day after I met her I had to leave town for a job with the airlines. We have been in contact everyday and we talked 24/7 up until about a week ago and she grew a little distant. Anyways since I get free airfare I was planning on going to visit her..even though she's been distant she's still wants me to come see her but she says I have to stay at a hotel because we only met once and she still isn't comfortable with me staying over and wants the relationship to build first. She's 30 and 27. I know we only met once but I'm flying across the country to see her and we talk everyday. Part of me understands but I'm still confused why she's all of a sudden acting shady..would you go or not? I can't afford an expensive hotel either and she lives in an expensive area.

[Arieswoman]

Mjm1014,

she's still wants me to come see her but she says I have to stay at a hotel because we only met once and she still isn't comfortable with me staying over and wants the relationship to build first.

 

Personally I can't see anything wrong with this. She is being self-protective and I would do the same.

 

When I was single and dating I always made this stipulation for guys who lived out of my area. I most certainly would not go and stay with a guy I hardly knew.

 

Let's face it, you only met once and even thought you talk every day, it does not replace face-to-face contact.

 

Interestingly, when I made this stipulation ( and in my case I would find them budget-priced guest houses to stay in) they all lost interest.

 

Why do you have to stay in an expensive hotel? I don't know where you are, but in UK we have Bed-and-Breakfast places that are very reasonably priced.

 

If you don't like the idea of this you'll need to find someone a bit closer to you.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't see the problem here.It seems to me she's taking protective measures. Any woman with common sense would do so as well. Yeah You may know you're not a serial killer or some other creeper hellbent on doing her harm, but she doesn't know that. Her not wanting to open up her home to you on your first visit is hardly what I'd call "shady".

 

Also, you really don't have to stay in an expensive, I see no reason why somewhere like Courtyard Marriott or DoubleTree aren't options. But I have to ask, if you can't afford a hotel stay and she lives in an "expensive area" how do you honestly expect to maintain the relationship???

[writergal]

Mjm1014,

 

 

Personally I can't see anything wrong with this. She is being self-protective and I would do the same.

 

When I was single and dating I always made this stipulation for guys who lived out of my area. I most certainly would not go and stay with a guy I hardly knew.

 

Let's face it, you only met once and even thought you talk every day, it does not replace face-to-face contact.

 

Interestingly, when I made this stipulation ( and in my case I would find them budget-priced guest houses to stay in) they all lost interest.

 

Why do you have to stay in an expensive hotel? I don't know where you are, but in UK we have Bed-and-Breakfast places that are very reasonably priced.

 

If you don't like the idea of this you'll need to find someone a bit closer to you.

 

As much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with Arieswoman's observation 100%. You can chat online every day or every other day but you have to spend more than one time together in person to really establish the relationship on solid ground. I pushed someone online long distance to go to fast, not realizing he wasn't on the same page, because I couldn't see where he was coming from. Huge mistake. Now we'll never meet in person to see if the chemistry I thought we had could translate offline.

 

Stay in a B&B or a YHA hostel if you have to. Respect her boundaries. They're there for a reason.

 

And since you get free airfare, then you should be able to visit her frequently to really establish the relationship in person. Otherwise, one of you will have to move to the other's country. That's usually what one person in a long distance relationship has to concede if it's going to work.

[GemmaUK]

It's a perfectly normal request.

 

You have only met once, you don't actually know each other.

 

After one meet people don't tend to spend a whole weekend staying with someone for a first date (if this is even a date?).

 

I'm also a bit baffled as others have been about why you'd need an expensive hotel?

[gaius]

Costs money to date a girl that's worth dating sometimes. You really want some chick that's letting a dude she met once in a bar spend the weekend?

 

Go on priceline or any of the other hotel sites and see if they're offering hotel deals in her area around the time you're traveling. Anything 2 1/2 stars or over is great. And can often be got for 40-60 a night. You want a place of your own with nobody else around in case she decides she's ready for some action.

[TAV]

I agree with the others. Nothing wrong with her morals, the post really says more about you. Would you not feel awkward yourself if you 2 did not hit it off on the second date and you had to spend the subsequent night at her place?

 

I also wonder what you are getting yourself into when you basically do not have the finances to date someone long distance. Free airfare is nice but don't you need transport locally too? And do you plan to explore the town she lives in or is the plan basically to sit on her couch and have her provide you with meals and drinks?

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't being shady, she's being smart. I wouldn't let some guy I'd met only once in a bar stay in my house either. This is also smart for you. If you two don't click or something goes awry, you have your own space.

 

Why do you need an expensive hotel? Stay in a cheap place.

[d0nnivain]

Try priceline or hotwire or some other website that gets you discounts on hotels.

 

You are out of your mind & have very unreasonable expectations on multiple levels.

 

If some guy I met once in a bar was coming to my area, of course he's staying in a hotel. I don't know you. You're not about to get an invitation into my home or my bed. No sex & no sleepovers the 2nd time I ever lay eyes on you even if we have been communicating for 2 months.

 

This lady has her head on straight. I can't say the same for you if you don't understand the possibility of "stranger danger" and don't understand why she is taking precautions.

[FitChick]

I make guys who fly over an ocean and/or continent stay in a hotel. If we get on really well after being together for a few days, he might get lucky.

 

Check out airbnb.com

[justwhoiam]

You have free flights, you work for an airline, but can't afford one night in a hotel? Is this even serious? Or am I missing something?

 

Also, I don't understand guys who are weighing money and how much it's worth spending "for a woman". I bet probably 95% of them think that way. Still, I find it disturbing. It's like putting a price tag on anything your eyes can see.

 

Regarding the expensiveness, I never go by the room rate to pick a hotel. I first start looking depending on my needs, and then I check the rates. I could find better deals with 4-star hotels than 3 star hotels, because I was staying for 3 nights in a row, or because I was staying during the weekend... Whatever the case, it's always worth checking.

[HeavenOrHell]

She doesn't know you that well, so it's wise of her.

Females grow up learning to be wary of men, being the more powerful sex, we don't know who is safe and who isn't.

Men don't grow up with the same wariness about women.

Men need to be more understanding about why women want to be careful.

 

The first time I went to meet my partner I'd asked if he could stay in a B and B, near to where I live, he sounded a bit hurt/put out, but he understood when I explained. As it happened in the end we met elsewhere and stayed together in a hotel as I felt comfortable enough to share a room with him.

[Els]

Standard precautions, sorry. It's probably human nature to feel a little miffed, but frankly I'd be more concerned if she actually let you stay at her place.

 

If you were paying for the flight then I might suggest her ponying up for a cheap room for you, but given that your flight is free, I don't see any harm with you getting the room yourself.

 

Why do you 'need' an expensive hotel anyway?

[toml]

No. dont even think about going. Everyone here has given you bad advice, not suprising Seeing as they are girls.

 

She is being distant with you. Also you are flying all the way there just for her. if she cared about u she would help you find a hotel or book it for you. Also for every girl that has said they wudnt sleep with a guy they barely know and its for her own good you stay in a hotel are the ones who will have one night stands. Explain that

[justwhoiam]

No. dont even think about going. Everyone here has given you bad advice, not suprising Seeing as they are girls.

 

She is being distant with you. Also you are flying all the way there just for her. if she cared about u she would help you find a hotel or book it for you. Also for every girl that has said they wudnt sleep with a guy they barely know and its for her own good you stay in a hotel are the ones who will have one night stands. Explain that

This should win as funniest post

[CherryT]

No. dont even think about going. Everyone here has given you bad advice, not suprising Seeing as they are girls.

 

She is being distant with you. Also you are flying all the way there just for her. if she cared about u she would help you find a hotel or book it for you. Also for every girl that has said they wudnt sleep with a guy they barely know and its for her own good you stay in a hotel are the ones who will have one night stands. Explain that

 

He is flying all the way to her... for free. It's not a huge investment for him either.

 

Like another poster said, the fact that you want to stay at her place after only meeting her once and not even knowing her, says more about you than her.

[d0nnivain]

No. dont even think about going. Everyone here has given you bad advice, not suprising Seeing as they are girls.

 

She is being distant with you. Also you are flying all the way there just for her. if she cared about u she would help you find a hotel or book it for you. Also for every girl that has said they wudnt sleep with a guy they barely know and its for her own good you stay in a hotel are the ones who will have one night stands. Explain that

 

 

First I'm a grown woman, not a girl.

 

 

Second, even if the woman in Q wanted to change her mind & sleep with the OP after he arrived, it's still prudent to make him get a hotel. You just never know & it's better to have options. Besides hotel sex is hot. . . ever think about that?

 

 

I will give you that since she knows the area, it would be kind & gracious of her to help the OP with his search for accommodations.

[carhill]

OP, IMO no glaring red flags as you're both mature adults and can communicate your wishes and boundaries and work things out. If she's distant for a reason and things go sideways, they do. The hotel thing is prudent. IMO, it shouldn't even be an issue. You can easily find a cheap one, even in an 'expensive' city and consider it an investment in your future travel (since you're apparently working for the airlines) career. Bonus if things go swimmingly with her. If they don't, no problem. The nice expensive place is your oyster to explore and who knows, someone else may come into your life. That's how it goes. Good luck.

[toml]

Would the situation be different if he payed for his flights? Just curious?

 

Also what if he suggested to meet somewhere halfway? Would it be expected of her to meet him?

[gaius]

As much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with Arieswoman's observation 100%. You can chat online every day or every other day but you have to spend more than one time together in person to really establish the relationship on solid ground. I pushed someone online long distance to go to fast, not realizing he wasn't on the same page, because I couldn't see where he was coming from. Huge mistake. Now we'll never meet in person to see if the chemistry I thought we had could translate offline.

This makes no sense. He must not have been that into you from the beginning.

[d0nnivain]

Would the situation be different if he payed for his flights? Just curious?

 

Also what if he suggested to meet somewhere halfway? Would it be expected of her to meet him?

 

 

 

I don't think so. everybody starts out in their own room.

[writergal]

This makes no sense. He must not have been that into you from the beginning.

 

Turns out he wasn't.

[Haydn]

OP, she wants you to stay in a hotel? Is it worth perhaps one night or 2 to put her mind at ease that you are not something you are not? She is taking a chance asking you, rich area does not really come into it. As for talking online, well there can be so many misunderstandings. Others may not be so supportive of the online route, they are probably wrong. I guess.

[writergal]

OP, she wants you to stay in a hotel? Is it worth perhaps one night or 2 to put her mind at ease that you are not something you are not? She is taking a chance asking you, rich area does not really come into it. As for talking online, well there can be so many misunderstandings. Others may not be so supportive of the online route, they are probably wrong. I guess.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking online, but yes, misunderstandings can happen when both people aren't on the same page from the start, which is unfortunate.

 

I think the OP should stay in a hotel like she asked him to, because it will put her mind at ease and allow them both some personal space in between the time they spend together, to process how things are moving along. It's what I would do.

[Haydn]

The same page is sometimes `put upon` by others questioning online relationships (I am guilty of this), and they tend to `throw a spanner`, in the works. It happens. But yes mind at ease for her and for OP is the best way forward i think. You have nothing to lose by this. I hope it works out for you.

 

There's nothing wrong with talking online, but yes, misunderstandings can happen when both people aren't on the same page from the start, which is unfortunate.

 

I think the OP should stay in a hotel like she asked him to, because it will put her mind at ease and allow them both some personal space in between the time they spend together, to process how things are moving along. It's what I would do.