Feel so betrayed. How to deal with this loss.

[Natsume21]

Ladies and gentleman, reporting live from a broken down room in the middle of the backwoods, it's Saturday Morning Live with your host with the most, DQ

 

Or at least I would have most, if I still wasn't as brokenhearted as every Taylor Swift song ever, so heroes of Loveshack, I require your assistance!

 

Hi guys(and ladies) I've read countless posts on here, so I decided to post my own experience with my first love, and how it started out as one of the best things to grace my then-college life, and ended up crashing harder than Aaliyah's plane near the Bahamas. So forgive me if this ends up being long I'm a blogger so tangents are my thing.

 

Anyway, to the heart of the matter.

 

I met this girl in college around 2009. We ended up becoming fast friends. A few months down the road, I started hanging with her and her two friends, doing various things that college people do. During that time she and I became really close, and all of a sudden, I found myself asking her on a date. To my surprise, she said yes. First time any woman at the time agreed to go on a date with me. Couldn't tell if she was crazy or insane at that point but hey, a date's a date so I was pumped.

 

Fast forward to January 2011. Went on our first date. Started off really awkward, but hilarious. We had chemistry and hit it off the first night. Won't go into the steamy details. That began 4 months of college dating. It was amazing for me. I never had a girlfriend till then. Now I was 20 years old and I actually felt desired. I ate it up. We spent almost every night together when I wasn't working on assignments, or out with the boys gaming or going out on random food runs. By random food runs, I mean some pals got together and raided an entire dumpster of still fresh giant bags of chips, and gave it out like Robin Hood to the starving college peasants. But back to the story at hand. She was everything I could ask for(yeah, I think we've ALL said that about our first loves.) She was smart, funny, extremely sweet, and caring, and in my eyes, gorgeous.

 

Then, at the end of that semester, my mother got really sick. I pulled out to help take care of her and never returned back to that college. At the same time, she graduated.(I was a freshman, she was a senior, she was 2 years older than me)

 

So began the Long-distance relationship. I didn't want to do it honestly and when I found out I couldn't return to school the time I had hoped, I had called her to ask if we could break up cause I didn't want the distance to be a burden. She begged me that the distance wouldn't kill her and we'll work through it the best we can.

 

The long-distance wasn't too bad. I still missed her but I had my life to try to work on and all. We talked almost everyday, we had a great time even on video chat, and it seemed all it well. Now for another timeskip folks.

 

February 2012: The month I met her parents for the first time.

 

Now I want to make a note here, folks. It was an interracial relationship. Follow that because that'll be important later on.

 

I got to spend the weekend with her folks, in an attempt to get to know each other. This is where I got the shock of my life...her folks were upper middle class. I had assumed that she was poor like me, but she was far, far from it. She lived in one of the richest neighborhood in Alabama. Their house was classic colonial, and kinda dusty, but it was huge. Living in a trailer all my life, I wasn't used to seeing this kind of life. Her parents and I met and I was extremely nervous. We went out together and I tried getting to know them, but my nervousness kept showing. After the meeting though, I overheard them talking about me to my then girlfriend. The words that came out were "I can somewhat live with the fact that he's black, but he's poor and HE'S awkward? What about that doctor of Mr. Banks? He seems like a nice guy. Go for him. This guy seems like a loser." She naturally protested this idea, but I could tell she was really ashamed. That depressed me.

 

Guess working odd jobs and part time in a small country town wasn't their idea of success. But then again, my reality was not theirs. Still, after that conversation, our particular career paths and plans became a hot-button issue, ensuing in various arguments. Regardless of distance, we met up monthly and had fun. It really felt like a dream.

 

Now FAST forward to January 2013. My stepfather died of Alzheimer's. She showed up, driving 200 miles down to see me and showed me support. Honestly, it was one of the nicest things anyone ever did for me. It was that moment that made the next ones even more devastating.

 

February 2013, five months after she got her new job, which was a hospital patient transporter near a small Catholic hospital, she was paired up with a new guy, whose names I will not say to protect his role. As much as I dislike that guy, I don't blame him at all for what happened. She told me about him, and said all these things about him: he was an athlete, newly single, and a bit of a work clown, according to her. Well 2 weeks after they met, he asked her out. She said she rejected him. Now the WAY she said sounded resentful, as if, in a way, she was trying to convince herself she did the right thing. The next day, he ignored her texts to arrive at a certain time at work, she told me. I asked her why was it important that he texted back, she said that she hates it when anyone, boy or girl, ignores her(which I didn't believe, cause when her best friend, a girl, didn't text her to go to a party without her, she never seemed bothered. Heck, when I didn't do it, she didn't bat an eye.)

 

We met up, as usual, and around April, I was getting around to a point where I was planning to move up there to her city to live near here. It was a prosperous area and plenty of opportunities. So I was getting my ducks in a row to prepare for the move. So we started talking about living near each other, and moving in together in our own apartment...and with those talks came the talks of the future, marriage, kids, the stuff of rose-colored glasses, which, btw, I want to sue their manufacturer for screwing me over.

 

In May 2013, 5 days before June and the "Meeting" I had arranged a little "Skype Date" to discuss future plans. We agreed to meet after work and when I got back and rang her up, she wasn't around, nor did she send me a message letting me know where she was. It was odd. So I hit her up, and she said that she was at a track meet with the aforementioned work partner...for 3 hours. The guy was 21 and out of high school and the track was 2 miles from her house. I wanna make a note, this is the same girl that always complained to me how she absolutely hated track and wouldn't be caught dead at it with anyone else since her family made her go for her brother's meets. So then, a red flag started going off in my head, but I figured I was being paranoid. Still, she basically ditched our skype date to go to a hot track meet with a guy. And I actually said it was okay, not wanting to fight with her, but demanded that when she got back, we needed to talk.

 

So she did, and when I asked her why she got back so late, she said that she couldn't find her way out of the gate. (Red flag went off again. Been to the only track in her neighborhood. The gate is literally by the parking lot. But again, I just thought I was being paranoid and something must have happened to block the gate.) she said I was being paranoid and that I should trust her.

 

So we agreed to our monthly visit. Saturday, June 1st.

 

That day we were to visit, she called me saying she didn't "feel" well. Call it a hunch, but I could tell her tone was extremely distant when she said it. There was a lack of sympathy in her voice. With that in mind, I said that we should see each other anyway cause I wanted to talk and so we did.

 

And that's when I got the speech. To sum it up "I just don't feel like a girlfriend anymore. I want to focus on my career and my work so I think we should take a break."

 

Ladies and gentleman, I saw red. And lots of it. I sensed so much bull**** coming from her voice that it took me all of my will not to scream at her. So I asked her "Are you breaking up with me?"

 

Her answer, as clear as day. "No, but I want some time to stop being romantic. I just don't want the pressures of being a girlfriend. My life is hard right now, I got to think about my career."

 

This girl had a full time job on her first try. She made a few new friends a couple of months ago before this. They were college freshmen who were high on the party scene. These girls were notorious for using guys for money and eye candy. They expressed their distaste for me because I was "lame." I was working flipping burgers and dealing with a sick mom. Five days ago she spent all day with her male co-worker, but she suddenly couldn't make time for her boyfriend? I asked her the first thing that came to my mind.

 

"Be honest with me. Are you interested in this guy?"

 

"I'm not. There is absolutely no one else that I want. Only you. I just need a break to focus on myself and become independent."

 

I asked her again "Do you like this guy?"

 

She said. "No. I don't! He's just a friend and that's all he is."

 

I asked her again "I repeat, do you like this guy? Cause I will find out if you are lying."

 

She says "Why don't you trust me? See, this is why I need a break!"

 

The trip was tense, very tense after that.

 

3 weeks later, after a huge fight, she breaks up with me. Almost effortlessly. I begged and pleaded, naturally, but then left it alone. She told me, through the week afterward, that she still loved me but that I was annoying and clingy and didn't trust her.

 

However, a couple of her co-workers started dropping hints. One of them, a girl who she used to work with, told me something that shocked me "Your gf might not be who she says she is. She got me fired because I was being friendly towards her "male-co-worker" by reporting to the supervisor that I was sleeping on the job. Be careful."

 

I assumed this person was trying to sabotage us, so I reported it to my ex, and she said that people have been trying to set her up with this guy cause I wasn't good looking enough. But again, she paused and crackled between these statements. Something just didn't add up

 

We got back together a week later. And things seemed great at first. But then she and I had our final visit. And the whole time, she was completely distant, focusing on her phone. When I went to look, she pulled away, saying I was being nosy. She never did that before.

 

Again, I asked her if she found this guy attractive. She said "Well he is better looking than you, if we're going by looks, but that doesn't mean I like him."

 

Just saying, I did ask for honesty, but even I found that completely disrespectful. But still, I let it slide.

 

She swore that nothing was going on with her and this dude, but then she started comparing me to him. Still, she swore I was the only one.

 

Then one day, she went on a rafting trip with her folks, and I was a little upset that I wasn't invited, but they did invite her brother's extremely rich gf. I expressed my concern over it. I asked for all of us to sit down and talk about it like adults about why I wasn't asked after dating for so long, cause I was hurt...instead, her mother threw a literal hissy fit cause I supposedly accused her of being racist, and Star 69'd me. And here's where it gets ridiculous....

 

My loyal, loving, understand "gf" said that because of my words, I broke up her brother and his girlfriend. (They weren't even in this conversation. It sounded like a cop-out.) and just like that, she said we had no future, and broke up with me.

 

I didn't understand it. So I begged and pleaded cause it was a complete 180 from what she usually acted. Though I did sense something was wrong, mostly, she said that I was being paranoid and that I should trust her. So I tried. She unfriended me on facebook instantly, but I had a backup she didn't know about, so I checked her page. She had deleted our pictures immediately. On her new profile pic, her friend commented "So you finally got rid of him? Does he know?" She said "No. I don't think I have the heart to tell him."

 

I asked her what that was about. She said that her friends didn't like me and that they were glad to get rid of me. (what bugged me was her friends didn't even know me. Why would they suddenly dislike me?) So I made a resolve: I was gonna find out the truth.

 

5 days after getting embarrassingly dumped, I called her phone, and she slipped up. She left the apartment building, and the guy answered it.

 

"Hello." He answered.

 

I was literally shocked at hearing a guy's voice. "Whoa. You're not Liz. Wait a minute, who are you?"

 

"I'm her co-worker."

 

And then, after he said that, I swallowed my pride and asked him, the question I never wanted to. "Are you her boyfriend?"

 

"Yeah, I'm her boyfriend. We've been going out for a month."

 

A month? A MONTH?

 

"Put her on the phone, now."

 

He agreed. So, fighting back tears, I asked her "Is this true?"

 

All I got was a cold response "What can I say? He's good. Things change. Sorry." And she hung up. Took all of me not to kill myself that night. I couldn't eat for days.

 

Two days after the incident, she messaged me, crying her eyes out saying that she was sorry that all of it went down. I asked her why she cheated on me. She said that I was being clingy and her parents hated me and her friends wanted her to be with someone else and that my depression and paranoia was pushing her away. She said it was an emotional affair only.

 

But I asked her "Have you had sex?" And she paused, looked down, and said "No."

 

Paranoia? Right. I was TOTALLY paranoid And Miley Cyrus is the classiest woman in America.

 

So shortly, a high school friend called me up, and we went on a little date and had a great time. My ex caught wind of this and sent me an extremely angry series of Skype messages and texts saying why should I go out with her? She was mad cause this girl and I were doing the things that we were supposed to do(For some reasons, according to her, I'm still entitled to do fun things with her that I promise but don't get love or sex out of the deal. Regardless, I was too in love to really argue with her.)

 

So she begs for me back, and says she'll break up with her co-worker cause she realizes that she never loved him. When this happened, he had literally disappeared from work and went to another state. He had been cheating on my ex and she found evidence of it. So she and I got back and hooked up, all the time her saying that she was single again and wanted to get back with me.

 

She never did. She never broke up with him.

 

Shortly, he came back and she went cold and distant with me. I was fed up at that point and again, she went back and begged me. Said I was her best friend and she didn't want to lose me. Apparently, my obvious pain wasn't registering in her mind.

 

Gets worse...much worse. A month later I agree to go up to her visit to take care of business. She had arranged for me a place to stay. So I go up there with her. Before that meeting I had met up with an old crush from high school and we hooked up. My ex found out about it and in the middle of the drive, went absolutely berserk. She screamed that I was a hypocrite cause I was hooking up with random chicks but yelled when she hooked up with another guy. (Note, I found out later that this high school crush was common law married) So she called me a lying hypocrite. She was so pissed that in the middle of the highway, we almost wrecked into a semi cause of her driving.

 

A week later, she ditched me and I was left homeless. Her boyfriend came back into the picture and begged for her back.

 

Before I knew it, she cut me off cold turkey and I was hit with a restraining order. The police later said that it wasn't possible but all the same, to stay away from said family and move on. Her parents took the liberty of doing it in advance. Haven't heard anything from her.

 

It's been months since that happened, and lately I've been missing the good moments of our relationship. I have been craving contact with her and it sickens me.

 

Is there something wrong with me? It's been months, how do I find myself at peace with the whole situation?

 

I live in a small country town in Alabama. The population is 6oo. There isn't a lot of jobs, and the available ones are low-paying. No gym but plenty of roads. I dealt with her parents traditionalist values, especially her mother's misplaced racism and perfectionism.

 

I remember before any of this went down, that I sat and had a talk with this girl, and I said that if she ever were to want to date someone else, or I would, that we would tell the other honestly, go our separate ways, pursue other interests, and maybe a while in the future, we could be friends.

 

Now I have absolutely no respect for her, but I can't help but to miss her. She was my first love after all.

 

Signed,

Dazed, confused, and in need of feedback.

 

Ya'll Loveshackers are great. So go ahead, lay it on me like mayonnaise.

 

Thank ya.

[Bleulemon]

Damn that was a long post. Read through it all regardless.

 

Sorry to hear what had appended to you. With all that on-and-offs, made everything even harder isn't it?

 

I think it's perfectly fine to miss someone you've been with for awhile after breaking up. However it's not really love that you crave. It's the familiarity. Suddenly you find time on your hands that you might not have before and wonder what you should do with it. Or things that you always do with her, are not the same anymore.

 

I think in the case, it's just the familiarity. From all those things that she's done, I'm pretty sure you'd be wise enough to stay away. At least for a good amount of time before you consider maybe being friends again.

 

Heads up, soldier! I'm sure you've been in much tougher situations than this. It'll pass!

[Trep]

Wow, what a bitch.

 

You sound like a smart guy, so I'm pretty sure you know you should avoid contact with this girl like the plague.

 

Everytime you find yourself missing her and the good times you had or wanting to contact her, re-read your post and remember all the horrible things she has done. If that doesn't snap you out of it, nothing will.

[Natsume21]

She was very introverted. According to her I was her first serious boyfriend.

 

One of the big things I remember about her was that she was very self-conscious about herself. We couldn't go out on a date without her looking around and seeing what people were thinking of her.

 

And she absolutely hated negative criticism.

 

Her behavior back then was completely different from how she was when we were in college, but the same basic traits were there: self-conscious, hates conflict, and pretty much could lie her way out of any situation with a cute face and tears(I've seen her do it. She pulled it off with her parents all the time)

 

Regardless, she was one of my best friends. And all of this changed when she made some new friends.

 

Still, I can't help but want to contact her. 3 years is a long time for a relationship, and 5 years is a long time for a friendship.

 

You guys been through anything similar?

[Natsume21]

She was 24 when we broke up.

 

3 years, down the drain.

[Sugarkane]

You really dodged a bullet. This woman is a liar, cheater, user and a very shallow person. She sounds like a truly horrible person to know.

[Natsume21]

That during the time where she completely cut me off, I had contacted one of her friends she works with and asked her why she didn't warn me.

 

Her friend's response was "Who gives a **** that she cheated? Get a life and move the **** on. She's happier without you. I would have done the same thing if a guy kept stalking me."

 

I never stalked her. This was my first relationship. I assumed that regardless of feelings, that we at least keep it clean out of respect for the previous friendship.

 

 

^I won't lie. I'm growing increasingly bitter towards women cause of what I dealt with.

 

Or at least the young ones with an extreme self of self-entitlement.

 

Sorry, angry.

[Natsume21]

Damn that was a long post. Read through it all regardless.

 

Sorry to hear what had appended to you. With all that on-and-offs, made everything even harder isn't it?

 

I think it's perfectly fine to miss someone you've been with for awhile after breaking up. However it's not really love that you crave. It's the familiarity. Suddenly you find time on your hands that you might not have before and wonder what you should do with it. Or things that you always do with her, are not the same anymore.

 

I think in the case, it's just the familiarity. From all those things that she's done, I'm pretty sure you'd be wise enough to stay away. At least for a good amount of time before you consider maybe being friends again.

 

Heads up, soldier! I'm sure you've been in much tougher situations than this. It'll pass!

 

Couldn't have said it any better myself. But I'm not so sure I wanna be friends with someone like that.

[Elle1975]

Paranoia? Right. I was TOTALLY paranoid And Miley Cyrus is the classiest woman in America.

 

Sorry but.. LOL! That made me laugh, thank you!

 

My advice.. if you don't like your town/state, move to another state.

And meet someone better. Man, she's a bag full of angry cats..

[Natsume21]

I read about the G.I.G.S. theory that Homebrew posted and I think that applies to her.

 

Secretly I want her to return, but at the same time, I doubt she will. In the end, being told that I'm a crazed stalker and that I drove her to cheat(yes, it's MY fault that she cheated) doesn't bode well for me accepting her back into my life.

 

^Cheater's handbook, anyone? Can we all find copies of it and burn it down?

[Trep]

Even if she came back tomorrow I think it would be a HUGE mistake to take her back after seeing the person she's shown herself to be.

 

Go out, meet new friends, date other girls and just try move on with your life.

[Sugarkane]

Her friend also sounds like a b**** and shallow too. I bet you if she got cheated on, she would make all the crying, begging mistakes too. Hope it does happen to her one day.

That during the time where she completely cut me off, I had contacted one of her friends she works with and asked her why she didn't warn me.

 

Her friend's response was "Who gives a **** that she cheated? Get a life and move the **** on. She's happier without you. I would have done the same thing if a guy kept stalking me."

 

I never stalked her. This was my first relationship. I assumed that regardless of feelings, that we at least keep it clean out of respect for the previous friendship.

 

 

^I won't lie. I'm growing increasingly bitter towards women cause of what I dealt with.

 

Or at least the young ones with an extreme self of self-entitlement.

 

Sorry, angry.

[Natsume21]

Her friend also sounds like a b**** and shallow too. I bet you if she got cheated on, she would make all the crying, begging mistakes too. Hope it does happen to her one day.

 

The guy she left me for is a notorious player. I remember when I asked about if she was serious about this guy, she said "Well it's nothing serious."

 

I remember I didn't understand her answer. Why would it not be serious, but serious enough for her to leave me for?

 

Till I got the truth from him. He told me that they slept together, numerous times but that he had girls in other states and wasn't going to commit to her. she was just fun.

 

And before I went and disappeared, she cried to herself while I was in another room and she said to him on the phone "I dropped him like you asked me too! Why don't you wanna get serious? I gave myself to you you jerk!"

 

I'll give him credit. He played her like a fiddle.

 

Not sure if he dumped her or not but it's been 9 months since it all went down. I don't wanna hear a peep from her.

 

I remember I got all the excuses. "My family thinks you can't support me. My friends don't like you. You're too much of an Aspie(I have Asperger's)"

 

All of these excuses tore at my self-esteem. I starved myself for three weeks and lost 20 lbs as a result. I couldn't even leave my room. Every song on the radio reminded me of her.

 

Worst....feeling...ever.

 

I don't understand how she completely transformed like that? Was it because I wasn't making enough money? Or that I wasn't charismatic enough?

 

I was more confused that Lindsey Lohan was with Samantha Ronson

 

I was more confused than Lana Del Rey's whole music career.

 

You get the drift.

 

It sucks.

 

"Love is an action. Attraction is a feeling. Attraction without love=heartbreak."

[SycamoreCircle]

I read your story and all of the responses. You're probably at a much different place now, months later. I hope you are feeling more yourself. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

It does bear similarities to my story.

 

In both cases, I think we are dealing with women who do not have a strong sense of themselves. They are trading security, warmth and love for toxicity, upheaval and uncertainty. If they were older and knew what they stood for, they would either have never entered into the relationships they had with us or dissolved the relationships in a mature and responsible way.

 

I can't speak for my situation but for you---I believe this women will one day use you as the measuring stick for her serious relationships. For now, she's got a lot of growing up to do.

 

You will pull through this and be stronger and wiser.

[Michael 93]

@Natsume21

 

Hi Nat,

 

Just literally read through this whole thread.

 

Would be interesting to see how things have developed since?

 

Can you give me an update on how things have gone since the NC was implemented?

 

Cheers

 

Michael