Mutual Breakup (22F & 24M) - Questioning the decision

[mona91]

My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now unfortunately) and I were together for almost four years. I am 22 and he will be turning 24 soon and our relationship had mostly been an LDR but he moved back home about five months ago so we have been able to see each other several times a week. While the last four years have had their share of highs and lows, I genuinely think the countless good times and memories we share outweigh the bad. The same issues have been coming up repeatedly over the last several years and we did not find ways to successfully resolve these problems. The biggest issues we faced as a couple were communicating well and efficiently, trust (I did not mistrust him but my level of trust for him was not where it probably should have been), and differences on issues like recreational drug use and our timelines.

 

Trust:

 

While my boyfriend never did cheat on me he put himself in a situation once that I feel was extremely inappropriate considering we were in a relationship. In the beginning of our relationship he slept in the same bed with a female friend. He revealed this information to me in an honest manner (I didn't have to force it out of him) but I was extremely upset. Knowing that he made the conscious decision that it was okay to sleep in a bed with a female makes me question his judgement. I brought this issue up when we had our final talk and he said he felt it wasn't a big deal. Furthermore, I have felt excluded out of his friendship with this female friend. While their friendship has taken a long break since he was out of the area, on occasions that he visited and now that he has moved back home, he has gone out with this lady friend and I have not been invited. I don't care to become great friends with this woman but being included in on some of their outings would be helpful and help me understand their relationship and not worry so much.

 

Communication:

 

Communicating effectively has been a struggle at one point or another, especially during the time we were in an LDR. We have worked on this issue a lot but whenever we get in arguments or disagree my boyfriend sometimes falls back to an old habit of shutting down completely. I'll be unable to reach him for several days or longer and it's extremely frustrating.

 

Differing opinions:

 

My boyfriend used to use drugs (marijuana, ecstasy, molly, ketamine) more regularly and has significantly cut down. I joined in doing some of these with him but now as a young professional I have chosen to stop doing anything. I have expressed many times that I did not like him using and he stopped using things such as marijuana or ecstasy on a regular basis. The issue now is that he would still like to use a drug like ecstasy or molly when going out to events such as a rave. Usage of such drugs at said event are very common but I don't necessarily approve and don't understand why he has to take something like that.

 

 

 

These are the big issues troubling our relationship in my opinion. My boyfriend has issues with me not trusting him completely and getting jealous.

 

We mutually broke up about three days ago but I honestly don't know if it was the right decision. I am still very much in love with him and I know that he is in love with me. I'm trying to stick with the no contact rule but it's hard. It's tempting to shoot him a text or call him but I don't want to push him away and I think it'd be best if he came to me to discuss starting the relationship again (if that's what he wants). He really is a great guy and we have a lot of things in common. He loves my family and I love his and our parents have gotten to know each other as well. We talked about moving-in together and possibly getting married down the road.

 

Standing by this decision is so difficult. I'd appreciate any input or advice.

Edited April 27, 2014 by mona91

[elseaacych]

There really is no such thing as a mutual break up. There is always a dumper and a dumpee. There is the person who pulls the trigger (dumper), and and an ambivalent person who is unsure about the relationship, so they agree to part ways (dumpee). Unfortunately, that serves as a wake up call for the ambivalent person, but the damage is already done. So which one were you in this situation?

 

The things that need to be fixed are KEY to the relationship, and you both have to be willing to work on it. That means doubling down on the communication and working together.

 

Since you are questioning your decision, and it is so soon after the break up, I would recommend that you call him. BUT, YOU CANNOT FALL APART ON HIM. Wait for a time you know he will be available, and then set a timer for ten minutes. Call him. Explain that you only have a few minutes, but the break up has given you a lot to think about. Explain why you think it wwent wrong, what you both can do to make it go right, And you would be willing to give it another shot. Explain that it will take a lot of work on both of your parts. But are willing to do it. Let him say his piece. If he is still talking when the timer goes off, let him finish his thought. If he hasn't given you an answer, make sure he gives it to you. If he says no, say "Well, it was nice knowing you," hang up, go NC. cry grieve and resolve never to go out with him again.

 

If he says yes... well, set another time when you can both sit down and talk things through level headedly, and then hang up. Between then and that time, you both should go on a date to have fun and build up some rapport.

The rest is on you.

 

I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this, because I am by no means an expert.

[FredJones80]

I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this, because I am by no means an expert.

 

Sounds like a plan, at least she will know where she stands and if there is a resolution.

 

Do any of us really know with all situations being unique, I feel like we're all just pissing in the wind.

[mona91]

There really is no such thing as a mutual break up. There is always a dumper and a dumpee. There is the person who pulls the trigger (dumper), and and an ambivalent person who is unsure about the relationship, so they agree to part ways (dumpee). Unfortunately, that serves as a wake up call for the ambivalent person, but the damage is already done. So which one were you in this situation?

 

Well I asked him if we could meet in person to discuss the issues that have been coming up repeatedly in our relationship. It's hard to say if I was the dumper or the dumpee. We talked about our issues and differences and both expressed that maybe this is not working out. But we both were hesitant to say goodbye when our conversation led to just breaking up. We were both like "is this it then"? We hugged and cried a lot but I feel like it isn't over (or maybe I'm just in denial?). I still have some of my belongings at his house and he told me he would drop them off but has not done so.

 

Is it best to just continue the NC rule? I did send him a text yesterday stating that I love him and am willing to talk if he wants to but I will keep my distance. I thanked him for our four years together.

Edited April 27, 2014 by mona91

[FredJones80]

I did send him a text yesterday stating that I love him and am willing to talk if he wants to

 

You've made yourself clear then, I'd leave him to it, he knows you want to talk, up to him to make the next move? NC!