2sunny Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Kick him out today. Why does he get to stay at your place? He's a grown man - allow him to be on his own. I'm sure his wife must wonder where he stays... He lies. He hurts you by omitting his truth. There's no basis of a healthy relationship when it's built on an illusion. He's a busy guy! Keeping up with all that he's fabricated is exhausting! Relieve him of his wasted negative energy - have him move now. Then see if he goes to her or stays on his own. If he's on his own - he MAY need to make effort to date you IF she doesn't take him in... You will find out if he spends all his time and energy focused on you or on her. Distance from him will help YOU have clarity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Devastated1969 Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20) Mwg, so sorry you are going through this but having been in a somewhat similar situation, my advice would be to say to him that you feel he needs his own space right now (and so do you so you can protect your heart). It sounds like he is not truly over his M and having doubts which will be nothing but pain for you if the case. He is hiding his communications and time with his W from you and that is a major red flag. Don't put yourself in the middle of their unresolved situation, tell him it's best if he leaves and either reconciles his marriage or sorts his divorce. If its truly over with his W, he will get a D and maybe you can get together in the future. In the meantime, heal yourself from this and move forward without him. It will help you have the strength to see you can live without him and allow him the time to work out what he wants. Good luck Hun x Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 I have been seeing my mm for a year now. Him and his w always use to argue and fight..I saw text and heard phone conversations. He moved out 2 months ago but seems to have more contact and less arguing. He won't take her calls in front of me anymore and has text her "good mornings". A few weeks ago he told me he would be spending time with just his kids for awhile on Easter then be headed over by me. He wouldn't answer calls and only answered a few of my text. When he got home late and didn't say much about his day or asked me..I knew how he really spent it. He said he didnt go..i saw a picture of the whole family on his phone that was hidden. She was with him and the kids along with her family. I saw pics..he said they were sent to him. Nice try..if they were sent why were they in the camera folder not the download one. Also his mom was in town. .he was going to dinner with her. I asked can I go so I can meet her, he said not now. Later that night I saw text from his daughter and they went as a family. I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20) He isn't separated. Do not even think about meeting his kids until (that is IF) they officially divorce and at least 6 months or more has gone by. Those kids (again, if he divorces) won't be wanting to meet their dad's ow/gf for a long time, they need time to adjust and grieve the loss of their family unit as one. Anyway, I am sorry but from what you've said so far, it seems like he really isn't separated with the goal to end up in divorce. A separation leading to a D means a family doesn't spend time together anymore... It's separate and a way for everybody to get used to major life changes, apart not as one unit. Put a time limit on this otherwise another year will pass and you'll be in the same spot as you are in now. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 She's married to him; you are not. They have a 20 year relationship; you have a 12 month hidden affair. You wonder why she would stay after finding out he cheated? Their history, their children, more than likely he is begging for another chance. Why do you stay knowing full well he is married and is only with you right now cause she kicked him out? You have to snoop to find out he continues to lie...yet his wife has been blindsided by his affair (that is IF she knows). He is doing everything he can to make sure his wife doesn't find out about you...yet you know all about her. Meeting his kids won't happen. He has no intention of doing that. He doesn't want you anywhere near them, which is why he doesn't 'allow' you to go to their sport events. He isn't sure what you would do - if you would rat him out or act loving in front of his family. He knows you are okay with being an option (a hidden affair partner) - that's why he has no plans to divorce or end his marriage. Its why he sneaks around to talk to his wife, to hang out as a family. He knows once you find out he isn't leaving, you will go straight to his wife in order to hurt him. You can either continue to be his hidden lover or you can reclaim your life. The choice is yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuffMan6969 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Midwestgirl, it sounds to me that you should be with a real man and be happy. Fall in love with a man that would fall in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 You all are right about meeting the kids..if they don't know about the separation than introducing them to me isn't the best. Last night we were at an sporting event..he received 2 text..one being from her. Checked the one from his buddy but not her..she also called him and he wouldn't answer..he use to but not anymore. My girlfriend said maybe she kicked him out..lol. when I try talk to him about what needs to happen or why they keep spending time as a family when they are supposedly separated.. he gets somewhat defensive and snippy with me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I think it's great to spend time with the kids, however if they are separated why does she have to be with him and his kids. I have not meet his kids yet..been a year. Maybe with the actual physical separation. .should I give it a little more time to meet the kids (ages 10-20) Here's a tip about men in general. They like comfort and familiarity; a shelter from the brutal world they deal with every day. Prior to physical separation, MM had a modicum of that, even if it had its rough points, as you shared elsewhere in your posting. Now, his apple cart is upset and it disturbs him. What was so consistent and familiar is now fleeting and unfamiliar. Regarding his children, I'd strongly suggest remaining distant from them until, at minimum, signs of an amicable divorce are evident in their (MM and W) legal communications or, if rancorous, until well after he divorces. IMO, seek to complicate the lives of the children as little as possible with adult interactions. There's a time and place for everything. What you experienced at Easter isn't uncommon and, due to children, will be repeated many times throughout his and their lives. The people in the picture are their family and will remain so. That's part and parcel of having children. People who divorce move on and the interactions move on as well, changing to respect the future decisions of the parents/spouses. For now, they are married and a family. That's how it goes. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 You all are right about meeting the kids..if they don't know about the separation than introducing them to me isn't the best. Last night we were at an sporting event..he received 2 text..one being from her. Checked the one from his buddy but not her..she also called him and he wouldn't answer..he use to but not anymore. My girlfriend said maybe she kicked him out..lol. when I try talk to him about what needs to happen or why they keep spending time as a family when they are supposedly separated.. he gets somewhat defensive and snippy with me. If they were 'really' separated and not living life together anymore, then you asking him or discussing his separation would not be a big deal. Fact is, how he gets defensive and snippy with you just shows that he is NOT being honest with you about it. He didn't read her text or answer the phone because it would be awkward and show that things are OK between them. Listen to your gut, wake up and see what's going on. This man is a skilled liar! He has fooled his wife, he's manipulated you as well. If his separation was real he'd be open and talking about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 Something I realized. .is that when we were at a mutual friend's home, they showed us their daughter's wedding pics and dvd. He said oh that's who we used and that's what we did (just casual not excited). Then we talked about holiday traditions he would say that's what we do. He said he didn't realize he was saying it..he seemed sincere when he said sorry n felt bad Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Something I realized. .is that when we were at a mutual friend's home, they showed us their daughter's wedding pics and dvd. He said oh that's who we used and that's what we did (just casual not excited). Then we talked about holiday traditions he would say that's what we do. He said he didn't realize he was saying it..he seemed sincere when he said sorry n felt bad You cannot erase his history with his wife and their family, friends etc. Don't try to compete with that. My suggestion, back off and stop relying on him, stop spending time with him. tell him that you don't trust what he is telling you about their separation and not knowing what is truly going on is driving you nuts. Watch how he lies again and tries to convince you to stay. He is married and living life with his wife still but pretending that he isn't. As for their kids, don't even go there anymore - It isn't fair for them to meet you under these circumstances... I hope you understand that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Something I realized. .is that when we were at a mutual friend's home, they showed us their daughter's wedding pics and dvd. He said oh that's who we used and that's what we did (just casual not excited). Then we talked about holiday traditions he would say that's what we do. He said he didn't realize he was saying it..he seemed sincere when he said sorry n felt bad Honestly, I don't think he should feel bad. You can't just flip a switch and erase everything that's been force of habit for the past twenty years. I agree with others that he's being unfair, but I think at the same time his situation is much more complicated. Expecting to meet the kids when he's only separated, let alone for just 2 months, is somewhat unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 I do agree with the not meeting the kids until more time has gone by. I am beginning to question how much if at all what she knows. I'm just trying to understand why she hasn't re filed for a divorce then. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Honestly, maybe you should call his wife and speak to her like an adult. All You have to do is say listen, this guy is living with me, telling me you are separated, what is the real deal? If he gets mad then honestly so what? If he is truly separated she will tell you, he wont get mad. Things can be more in the open. Unless you want to be a secret forever and not know the truth. But I have always taken the most forward approach, it seems to work the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Where does she think he is living? If she doesn't know about you, does he say he has an apartment? And why don't the kids ever go there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I do agree with the not meeting the kids until more time has gone by. I am beginning to question how much if at all what she knows. I'm just trying to understand why she hasn't re filed for a divorce then. Gently, look at how much you are struggling after 1 year. This woman has spent 20 + years with this man. That is a lot of life, milestones, ups and downs, joy and sorrows. Perhaps infidelity is not a deal breaker for her and she is fighting for her marriage. Not all affairs result in a divorce. You will never understand his wife's mindset just like she will never be ever to understand yours. Please take care of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Here's a scenario that may apply: In the weeks after I discovered my WW's A, I knew she had developed strong feelings for the OM. The discovery had made things very murky for her, though. A lot of questioning. I wanted to R, but on the condition that it's what she truly wanted as well. I knew she had a lot of feelings to sort out with the OM. So she tried to expedite that process by going to see him. This is not on the scale of moving in with him, as is your case, but there were parts of days away, a weekend, etc. As far as he was concerned, we were separated. But I knew what was going on and she was open about it with me. I also understood that it may not work out for us as a couple. Is it possible that this is what he's doing with you? Has he talked about what the future holds with you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I do agree with the not meeting the kids until more time has gone by. I am beginning to question how much if at all what she knows. I'm just trying to understand why she hasn't re filed for a divorce then. Question shouldn't be why hasn't she filed, it should be why hasn't he filed. If he wanted to divorce, he would. People D all the time. Anyway, there's a good chance she has no idea. For all you know he could be lying about everything. Never say never, some MM lie to the extreme. It also could be, this guy loves having two women meet all his needs. Why not call him on it all? Tell him that you plan on calling his wife and asking her some questions.. His reaction will be very telling on whether or not she knows anything or if their separation is even real... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 When a person poses for happy family pictures - it's not usually because they intend to divorce .... It's usually to show the family as a solid, united front. I think you're being played as his fool. It's time to expect action from him - either he gets the D finalized (THEN it's time to start dating him) - or he doesn't get the D rolling so it's finalized (in which case it's best to not communicate at all - knowing full well that he doesn't INTEND to get divorced). I'd bet his W and kids don't know a thing about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 h4 says he does want a future with me. he keeps saying its the money he doesn't have the money for an attorney...retaining fee he said is close to $4000. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 h4 says he does want a future with me. he keeps saying its the money he doesn't have the money for an attorney...retaining fee he said is close to $4000. You don't need an attorney to get divorced - you can file pro se. It's obviously better to have one, especially if there's substantial marital property involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 h4 says he does want a future with me. he keeps saying its the money he doesn't have the money for an attorney...retaining fee he said is close to $4000. What kind of a future does he want, exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 h4 says he does want a future with me. he keeps saying its the money he doesn't have the money for an attorney...retaining fee he said is close to $4000. He can borrow the money if need be. Again, people who want to divorce do so. This is not about the money...Sorry to be blunt and I am sorry you're hurting but he is lying to you, omitting stuff. Tell him to stop future planning a life with you - He can do that when his D is final, not before. All that does is set you up, put your own life on hold for someone who still isn't even being honest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 h4 says he does want a future with me. he keeps saying its the money he doesn't have the money for an attorney...retaining fee he said is close to $4000. Nobody is questioning this. Of course he wants to be with you. It just seems like he wants this to be "easy" but it never will be when you have had a life with someone for 20 years. I think for everyone on this board we are more concerned that you are being lied to and we want you informed so that you make decisions that are best for YOU. We know that you love him and want a life with him and I'm not even saying he's a bad guy... it's just very confusing that he is with you every night but spends holidays with his family. If my husband separated from me, I'd expect to know where he is living and I would share custody...so I don't understand exactly the logistics of what's going on. The love and wanting to be together is the easy part.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 . it's just very confusing that he is with you every night but spends holidays with his family. If my husband separated from me, I'd expect to know where he is living and I would share custody...so I don't understand exactly the logistics of what's going on. Unless his whole marriage and family dynamic is really f'ed up, it is not normal to go on family trips and continue to live life as a family unit as one. All that does is confuse their kids as to why mom/dad are separated yet spending so much time together. Separated people lead separate lives - They don't go on holidays together, don't hang out and do family stuff, nor do they have sleep overs. His words and actions don't meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Share Posted April 28, 2014 There is property, pensions, expensive collector items and a business involved. Including season tickets to a sport she doesn't give a crap about. At least he hasn't been mooching off me. His feelings for me are real I don't doubt it. I'm not sure the dynamic of the relationship past or present. He said to me it's just a piece of paper. I said what it says to file and complete is that you are ready to move on to the next chapter of your life and close this one. Link to post Share on other sites
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