GettingOver Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I mean this with no disrespect .. As a fow I have zero room to judge but you are every WHs dream!! Certainly the type Of OW i am certain my exmm wishes I was. Idk if it's just that I am jaded but I honestly think if your mm or ANY mm was so pained staying in his marriage HE WOULD LEAVE. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to give you his all. Not the measly crumbs he throws out that are laced with his excuses and "feel sorry for me". You are right, I know that if he really wanted he would have been out by now. And it is killing me to know he is thinking, choosing, etc. I know that we all deserve better, but I am still stuck. I hate this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 Seems he has been totally kissing up since our talk. Making sure he is "home" not too much after work if his kids don't have sports, asking more often if I need anything, having dinner here with my kids and I. He has paid sone of the bills Anyway..he text me a random question.."think in the future you would ever want to?" I said no why..would you? He said I am happy. .never really answered the question..not sure what to make of that. .then again maybe I already do Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Seems he has been totally kissing up since our talk. Making sure he is "home" not too much after work if his kids don't have sports, asking more often if I need anything, having dinner here with my kids and I. He has paid sone of the bills Anyway..he text me a random question.."think in the future you would ever want to?" I said no why..would you? He said I am happy. .never really answered the question..not sure what to make of that. .then again maybe I already do What talk did you have? Was it the talk that stated to get out until his divorce is final? Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 He said let me sell some things so I can the money to file..so no he is still with me. I'm sure it's thought of as a mistake by many I have a question though.. is omitting things like not telling me he took a day off of work, got served to go to small claims court or telling me that something happened after he already did it (like his kids sport events or a business meeting..etc) is that almost like lying??? Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 is that almost like lying?? No! It is lying. In legal terms, and in reading of your relationship's terms,mhe is lying by omission. Regardless, he has out right lied to you and you stay, so what difference does catching him in more lies make? You have questioned why, if his BW suspects, or knows, about your affair does she stay. Why do you stay when you obviously know he's lying? Lying outright, or by omission, is symptomatic of a conflict avoidant personality. YOU can do nothing about it but leave him, or tolerate it. You choose. Staying is choosing it and you can bet he sees it tht way. You know and you stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 He said let me sell some things so I can the money to file..so no he is still with me. I'm sure it's thought of as a mistake by many I have a question though.. is omitting things like not telling me he took a day off of work, got served to go to small claims court or telling me that something happened after he already did it (like his kids sport events or a business meeting..etc) is that almost like lying??? If you asked him how his day was, and he didn't mention it, i would consider it lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 I have always been an open book..even with things I'm not proud of. I guess this relationship has begun to shut me down and don't trust many. I can't change him but what I can change is the situation. Like my therapist said when I was going thru my divorce. .i need to stand up and take my power back Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 You have every reason to expect people to be honest with you. Unfortunately, there's the potential "comes with the territory" aspect of it with a guy who was lying to his W about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 You've said that before. What are you going to do about it? Notice how you phrase things as a possibility rather than a certainty. "I guess this relationship has begun to shut me down. . ." is really, "I've chosen to shut down in order to maintain this relationship." "I can't change him, but what I can change is the situation" in order to proactively change would be, "I can't change him, but I'm going to change the situation by telling him to find another place to live, by not coming over, etc. and to not communicate with me until he is divorced and brings me executed divorce documents." "I need to stand up and take my power back" would be, "Starting immediately, I'm taking my power back by ___________." Until you think, and act, in definite terms, you're most likely to repeat what you've been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 I can't see where he's been honest with you. Omitting info is a sneaky way of lying. Just like he's omitted info to his wife = like that he LIVES WITH YOU! You've ALLOWED him to do this by not taking a hard stand on proper order for decency - IF he wants to get divorced - he will! Until his divorce is FINAL - you have chosen to invite a married man into your home to pretend he's with you - when actually he's still very much connected to his wife and his kids and isn't about to end that. Stop allowing it. IF he gets divorced = he can DATE you and INVITE YOU OUT for fun and vacations - but until he makes that happen - you are just providing a home and comforts for a guy who's willing to stay because it's cheaper than renting his own place. Have him move today! Let's see IF he moves back with his wife or if he finds his own place - THAT will tell you IF he plans to divorce or stay married! When YOU take ACTION to change things - they WILL change! Link to post Share on other sites
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 My bf moved in with me 3 months ago, still has not received filed for his divorce yet. Things have been going good until this past week. First he went back to shift work, which he is not happy about. I asked him to please start setting bounedries when it comes to her and how time with kids should be spent. To find out he was at his daughter game and said his w was chatting it up with a single dad. He said he was ok with it but didn't sound too confidant. He seemed anxious to leave at the intermission of my daughter's recital. He always cuddles in the night, he has hardly done so in the past week. He has no emotional response to my text except a or me too or no response. He keeps bringing up my past relationships and rumors he has heard, even though they have been confirmed by me. It's hurtful..my past is my past and he has no room to talk. He has also kept checking his text and emails off to the side of the bed at night with his back to me. He has been very snippy, agitated and lacks emotional response. I said let's please talk so I can better understand why he is feeling tell way he is. He has NEVER been that way with me. He has also been questioning if I was premiscuous or why I enjoy being close as often as I do. A male Co worker said he is bringing up the past and questioning it because he may be up to something. Communication is very important in a relationship. I'm just so hurt and confused right now Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 asked him to please start setting bounedries when it comes to her and how time with kids should be spent. These are his children, you get no say in how much time he gets to spend with them. He comes with kids so this is your issue. Sorry to be blunt, but if you push it, he's going to blow up on you. Anyway it sounds like (just from what you've said) he's looking for excuses to distance himself from you. If he totally in love and ready to make a life with you, he wouldn't be treating you like this and accusing you or dropping hints about your past or thinking you're cheating on him.. This IS where it's leading. Hate to say it but there's a chance he isn't going to divorce, maybe having second thoughts and wants to stay married. Ask him to move out if things don't improve. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Questioning you may be a defence mechanism because he's questioning himself. He knows he's not feeling as you want him to. It may have all be an adventure to him at first, but now he sees his ex with someone else, he realises he still feel something for her. There is no point dressing it up. He's agitated and not focusing on you. It's not a good sign, shows he's very distracted indeed. I think the guy is as confused as hell. It will take time for him to work through this but I wouldn't hold your breath that he will stay. In your position, I would be feeling terribly uneasy and, if I could, would leave the relationship. I couldn't bear to be with someone I felt had his mind elsewhere like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I also wouldn't confide in male co-workers about your relationship issues. Keep it between you and him. The second you say "(Guy's name) from work thinks you may be up to something" in the heat of a discussion, he'll head for the door. I think he's got serious cold feet anyway. The comment about his wife talking to another guy at the game says "regret" to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 My bf moved in with me 3 months ago, still has not received filed for his divorce yet. Things have been going good until this past week. First he went back to shift work, which he is not happy about. I asked him to please start setting bounedries when it comes to her and how time with kids should be spent. To find out he was at his daughter game and said his w was chatting it up with a single dad. He said he was ok with it but didn't sound too confidant. He seemed anxious to leave at the intermission of my daughter's recital. He always cuddles in the night, he has hardly done so in the past week. He has no emotional response to my text except a or me too or no response. He keeps bringing up my past relationships and rumors he has heard, even though they have been confirmed by me. It's hurtful..my past is my past and he has no room to talk. He has also kept checking his text and emails off to the side of the bed at night with his back to me. He has been very snippy, agitated and lacks emotional response. I said let's please talk so I can better understand why he is feeling tell way he is. He has NEVER been that way with me. He has also been questioning if I was premiscuous or why I enjoy being close as often as I do. A male Co worker said he is bringing up the past and questioning it because he may be up to something. Communication is very important in a relationship. I'm just so hurt and confused right now He may be having a hard time with his wife showing signs of moving on. He may also miss his children - even though he doesn't stop being their dad, divorce takes him away from them to some extent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Sounds like he enjoys the honeymoon phase of relationships but not the nitty gritty of everyday life within a relationship. Be very cautious and decide for yourself what he may be like in the long run. He avoids conflict and a blended family is full of these, can he be counted on to handle this honestly and maturely? Link to post Share on other sites
shortee Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Wow sounds like you don't want him to spend any time with his kids. How would you feel if somebody told you not to be with your kids. They are his kids and you have to deal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Wow sounds like you don't want him to spend any time with his kids. How would you feel if somebody told you not to be with your kids. They are his kids and you have to deal. I am not sure if this really is about the kids...More like seeing the kids means he'll be seeing and speaking to his ex. MidWest, did he move into your place directly after leaving his wife? If yes, I can see why this isn't working. His marriage and WHOLE life has been wrapped around his wife and kids, their routines, lifestyle, friends, families, in laws etc.. To move out and then move in with someone else so quickly no wonder he is confused and acting weird. As good as he is with your kid, he has kids of his own that need looking after first. He can't be your family right now while his is still up in the air. He should have moved out and lived on his own. This is what happens when things move too fast, he never grieved the loss of his marriage/ previous life he had and now things are not good, he's not that happy and obviously neither are you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 My bf moved in with me 3 months ago, still has not received filed for his divorce yet. Things have been going good until this past week. First he went back to shift work, which he is not happy about. I asked him to please start setting bounedries when it comes to her and how time with kids should be spent. To find out he was at his daughter game and said his w was chatting it up with a single dad. He said he was ok with it but didn't sound too confidant. He seemed anxious to leave at the intermission of my daughter's recital. He always cuddles in the night, he has hardly done so in the past week. He has no emotional response to my text except a or me too or no response. He keeps bringing up my past relationships and rumors he has heard, even though they have been confirmed by me. It's hurtful..my past is my past and he has no room to talk. He has also kept checking his text and emails off to the side of the bed at night with his back to me. He has been very snippy, agitated and lacks emotional response. I said let's please talk so I can better understand why he is feeling tell way he is. He has NEVER been that way with me. He has also been questioning if I was premiscuous or why I enjoy being close as often as I do. A male Co worker said he is bringing up the past and questioning it because he may be up to something. Communication is very important in a relationship. I'm just so hurt and confused right now He is upset because he thinks his wife may be dating. I bet he is trying to win her back and is bringing up your past to have a reason to break up with you. You should have never brought him around your kids until he introduced his to you. This isn't fair to your kids to have this man in their home who will probably move out and back with his wife if she will have him. When he reminds you of your past remind him that he cheated on his wife and had an affair. Remind him that he's no Choir Boy. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I wish you could just show him this thread and see what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts