My ex husband is dating a 20 year old

[Joangel]

For the most part I could care less what my ex does with whom. This however is really uncomfortable for me. His girlfriend is 20, he is 37. Our daughter is 15 and seems inappropriate. I never felt old until now (34). We married young and I feel at a disadvantage being yet another single divorced mom. I have two issues. One being, should I put my foot down and not allow him to take out my kids if she will be joining. Two, am I over the hill now? Is 20 where it's at or is he just a pig?

[Gaeta]

For the most part I could care less what my ex does with whom. This however is really uncomfortable for me. His girlfriend is 20, he is 37. Our daughter is 15 and seems inappropriate. I never felt old until now (34). We married young and I feel at a disadvantage being yet another single divorced mom. I have two issues. One being, should I put my foot down and not allow him to take out my kids if she will be joining. Two, am I over the hill now? Is 20 where it's at or is he just a pig?

 

Be careful what you teach your children by example. This woman may be 20 but she is legal and could be a positive asset in your daughter's life. Don't act like the ex from hell. Live and let live.

 

You are not old, or over the hill. You are just bitter. You are 34 and your daughter is 15, you'll have no difficulties dating. I am 48 and I've never ran out of men to date, they're practically lining up at my door! I got a good attitude though!! that's what attracts men!

[d0nnivain]

You are not over the hill. I didn't even meet my husband until I was 39. Age is a #.

 

You can't "put your foot down" & forbid your husband from including his new GF when he has your daughter. I can't believe either your daughter or the 20 year old are thrilled to be in each other's company. Without putting words in her mouth & while giving her the freedom to make up her own mind, you can remind your daughter that she has the ability to speak up if she does not like a situation. At 15 everybody ought to respect her choice if she says she would rather not spend a great deal of time with the new GF. This doesn't mean she never has to interact politely with the GF but that she should be allowed to see her friends or have her dad all to herself.

 

Your "job" is to teach your daughter to take the high road & be the better person. You will have to do this by example.

[Joangel]

Maybe my wording was off, but I would hardly categorize myself as bitter. I let this man get away with murder. I never hound him for $, never even went to court and he picked up the kids when he pleases. My concern is he obviously is more interested in the sex. I can't imagine they are equal on an intellectual level. It was my daughter who brought up her age because she said it grossed her out.

[xxoo]

Trust that you've given your daughter the skills to get to know this woman and draw her own conclusions. Encourage your daughter to be open with you by listening far more than you speak. If the 20 year old is bad news, your daughter will see that. But she also might be good news, and you don't want to poison that. Empower your daughter to give her a chance, and be the supportive sounding board if she needs it.

 

34 is not old, and your ex may not be a pig. Try to breathe, let go of reactions and fears, and focus on fostering positive relationships for thè kids, regardless of the ages of the people.

[GemmaUK]

We can't control others actions.

We can control our reactions.

 

Get back to your own life and interests.

 

He is an ex for a reason, surely it's better his focus is on someone else.

It could be worse, he could still be focussed on you!

[d0nnivain]

It was my daughter who brought up her age

because she said it grossed her out.

 

Of course your ExH is only interested in the 20 year old for sex.

 

If your daughter is "grossed out" by the GF's age, instruct her to inform her father but you stay out of it.

[Joangel]

Thanks for the advice, I guess it does kind of upset me more than I realized. Ideally, I would rather he thinks of our kids and not himself but I know I can't control that. Hopefully, when my daughter is 20 she won't be dating any men pushing 40. Good to hear other peoples perspective.

[Joangel]

I am sure if I was banging a 20 year college student and then having our son play basketball or whatever with him on the weekend, my ex would be all over it. Just saying! I think play things should be kept in the toy box that all.

[iris219]

It is his responsibility to talk to his daughter about his gf if she's uncomfortable with it. Don't waste time worrying about it unless his gf is inappropriate or unkind to your daughter. Tell her that her father is an adult and sometimes adults make decision they feel are best which others don't understand.

 

34 is not too old to date. Most 37 year old men don't want 20 year olds. The ones who do, you don't want them.

[GemmaUK]

When I split with my ex he was then 37.

He dated a 22 year old for a couple of weeks.

He didn't do too well initially and we still lived in the same house at the time as we had only split the month before and hadn't sorted out the financials at that point.

He told me he liked her and I told him to call her and ask her out on a proper date if that was how he felt. He did...under my instructions! Word for word what I told him to say over the phone! I shut myself away in the next room while he called her but I could hear every word! It was kinda cute!

 

She was the more mature out of the two of them!

She was actually a very nice young lady. It was never meant to be a lasting thing as she lived in the States and was only here for the holidays.

[Joangel]

My issue is less about the girl and more about the example he is setting for our daughter. I decided to keep my mouth shut. However, knowing him, she probably is not that nice a girl. He is a horrible judge of character, always has been. The last woman he dated was sleeping with two other men at the same time. I had to be there to console him when one of the other guys gave him a black eye one night. Since our Divorce he has made one poor choice after another. I am only concerned now because he is involving the kids. He has become very immature and it makes me worry.

[Iguanna]

You can't protect your kid forever from the ugliness of the world. Her father is making his own choice to date a woman that close to his daughter age and he will have the pay the price for this, whatever it may be. What you have to say to your daughter is that her father is a grown man who has the right to make his choices as long as they are legal. Your daughter though has every right to make her own choices if she wants to get mad with her dad or stop contacting him.

 

I'm 32, my dad who is 57 is dating a girl of 22 years old. I don't care. I mind my own business and I live my own life.

[Hopeful30]

Just let him date who he wants. And it's not like its all him. The 20 year old is old enough to know what she's doing.

[mortensorchid]

I think men go for such younger women for a few reasons:

 

 

1) It makes them look good to say "I'm (ex.) 40 and I'm going out with a 20 year old!" That was the case with me, my ex bf and I started going out when I was 22 and he was 40. We're still good friends today.

 

 

2) Not wanting to change / grow up. Quite honestly, some go out with such younger women because they don't want women to grow up. When you are that age, even though you don't think so, you are still a kid. That's what happened with me and him, we were together off and on for 2 years, and quite honestly he didn't want me to grow up and I did.

 

 

I'd also like to add in this situation that he left me for a 19 year old (you did not read that incorrectly). He actually married her a few years later, and then upon her 30th birthday she announced she was gay and they divorced. Those are separate issues, but quite honestly he should have been smarter about it. Then again, not too surprised.

[oldshirt]

First off you are not over the hill. You are a young hot babe to me! If I were to ever be divorced or widowed, I could only dream of landing a 34 year old who's kids were almost grown and out of the house :-D

[Charlie Harper]

Some of my best friends are in their late 20's and I am 50, they bring different things to th stable and its not sex, because sex is WAY much better with older women, but nowadays 20 o 30 year old women like to date older men because they get bored with Joe "i love video games" average....

 

Live and let live...dont judge.

[oldshirt]

whether he is a pig or not kind of depends.

 

 

If he is just looking for some post-divorce poontang and had a shot with this young gal and they have a little fling and then both move on to more generationally appropriate relationships after the hormone rush dies down, then, yeah, maybe that's a little piggish in a sense, but probably no real harm or concern.

 

 

If on the other hand he is really clinging on to her and not letting her go and is avoiding adult women and adult relationships, then he probably does have some issues.

 

 

It's not unusual for a man to seek the company of young, pretty women. A guy is going to naturally try to get as young and healthy and pretty a woman as he is able to attract. That's just Mother Nature at work.

 

 

What is at issue is if he is going to inappropriate lengths to get women clearly out of his league and is avoiding perfectly legitimate opportunities with adult women.

 

 

A man chases after and clings onto young women and avoids equally attractive women his age if he wants to completely control the woman and wants to completely control and dictate the relationship.

 

 

An adult squared away women will tell an immature, selfish, control-freak of a jerk to go to hell and will do what she thinks is best for her. If a guy wants nothing to do with that, he will seek out and cling on to an immature girl who is more easily manipulated and controlled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What all this means is I wouldn't be too concerned if he is just scoring a piece of ass for a few weeks to stroke his ego and feel a little bit of a hormone rush again after being in a bad married for a few years. If they have the little fling and then after all the excitement and drama wears off and they both move on to more generation-appropriate relationships, it's probably ok. It may be a bit boarish and distasteful behavior but probably no real harm done to anyone.

 

 

What would be more concerning is if he clings on to this relationship and doesn't let her go and he himself refuses to seek out more equitable and balanced relationships with adult women more closely related to him in lifestyle, education, economic status, social status etc etc.

 

 

Your daughter is a near-adult and can kind of come and go as she pleases in regards to how much she is around this little honey. I wouldn't worry about that too much.

 

 

What would be more concerning is if your daughter is more exposed to her father being unable to connect and relate to mature, adult women and instead pursues and clings on to immature, barely legal women whom he can manipulate and control because of his own feelings of inadequacy and immaturity.

[Joangel]

Thanks again for the advice from all. Only one person is giving negative comments. Seems like this person has no children and perhaps can't relate. To answer the last rude comment, he was immature but if you read thoroughly we married young. I was 18 and was 21 so that was expected. Through the years and after two kids only one of us grew up. After the divorce it's like he reverted to being 21. He starting smoking again. He couch surfs, wears clothes from teenage stores and drives a an expensive SUV. Needless to say we have gone our separate ways. The only man that I had around my kids I dated for eight months and they met after six months. He was a school teacher and had a son of his own. We also only did family activites together. My ex on the other hand will skip seeing the kids for two weeks and then take them out with her. One day he offered to pick up the kids for school. My daughter then sent me text saying he only offered because he was dropping her off at work and it was on the way.

 

Anyway, I can't control him, that's the bottom line. I guess I needed to hear it that. I am ready to put the issue to rest...

[whichwayisup]

Of course your ExH is only interested in the 20 year old for sex.

 

If your daughter is "grossed out" by the GF's age, instruct her to inform her father but you stay out of it.

 

I think any 15 year old (though in this situation it's obviously grosser for her to know her dad is dating someone 5 years older than her) is grossed out by their parents having sex. Nobody (of any age) wants to know of their folks sex life!

 

I do agree, your daughter is old enough to voice her opinion to her dad.

 

Is the gf around a lot? Or is this just known about and the 20 year old is not around your daughter?

[RonaldS]

Well, you can at least take comfort in the knowledge that your ex-husband's GF is not yet old enough to buy your daughter booze.

 

It's all about perspective.

[M30USA]

I personally wouldn't date that far out of my age range. But you need to realize that, while this seems odd to you, men dating far younger women is a normal occurence historically.

 

Psychological studies have proven that, in the same way women seek men with money (security), men seek women with youth.

Edited April 28, 2014 by M30USA

[Misadventure]

 

Your ex is free to do anything with anyone....YOU have issues if his dating choices bother you.

 

I wanted to comment on this because this is really a very "guy" comment. Men and women think very differently (most). Men (most).. pretty much they can stick their appendage in any socket and have no attachment and call it a day. Many women (not all) have more of an attachment.

 

It's also not like these two just had a baking class together.. they were married.. have a history and kids.

 

Even just on the kids front alone because the daughter is 15, I can see why one would grimace and have the "OOO No He didn't" Face.

 

Is this an undying love between the 20 and 37 yr old.. probably not.

 

But it sure is fun for him.. and bottom line, people do it because they can, it sure is an ego boost to date and have a throw in the hay with someone who was being born while they were about to graduate highschool, right?:bunny::bunny: .... =

 

To the OP... your daughter is 15... she is no dummy and she will kind of see her Dad in a slime ball light after a while when the novelty of having someone around her age wears off. Let her come to her own conclusions... it won't be hard.

 

Compared to a 20 yr old.. yes, you are mature but you are not old..you can form complete paragraphs without having to instagram, text, or reference Selena Gomez. While you were probably getting your first training bra or first kiss, she was being pushed out of the uterus... the fact that this is lost on your ex should show you where his frame of mind is... he wants some "barely legal" time and probably time to see if it lives up to some of his fantasies from p0rn he has watched. Don't get me wrong, I am all about role play lol but when the kids start meeting the play thing and they are in that age range, it's called delusion.

 

Let the chips fall where they may...and YOU go and have fun on your end.

[Joangel]

I wanted to comment on this because this is really a very "guy" comment. Men and women think very differently (most). Men (most).. pretty much they can stick their appendage in any socket and have no attachment and call it a day. Many women (not all) have more of an attachment.

 

It's also not like these two just had a baking class together.. they were married.. have a history and kids.

 

Even just on the kids front alone because the daughter is 15, I can see why one would grimace and have the "OOO No He didn't" Face.

 

Is this an undying love between the 20 and 37 yr old.. probably not.

 

But it sure is fun for him.. and bottom line, people do it because they can, it sure is an ego boost to date and have a throw in the hay with someone who was being born while they were about to graduate highschool, right?:bunny::bunny: .... =

 

To the OP... your daughter is 15... she is no dummy and she will kind of see her Dad in a slime ball light after a while when the novelty of having someone around her age wears off. Let her come to her own conclusions... it won't be hard.

 

Compared to a 20 yr old.. yes, you are mature but you are not old..you can form complete paragraphs without having to instagram, text, or reference Selena Gomez. While you were probably getting your first training bra or first kiss, she was being pushed out of the uterus... the fact that this is lost on your ex should show you where his frame of mind is... he wants some "barely legal" time and probably time to see if it lives up to some of his fantasies from p0rn he has watched. Don't get me wrong, I am all about role play lol but when the kids start meeting the play thing and they are in that age range, it's called delusion.

 

Let the chips fall where they may...and YOU go and have fun on your end.

 

Thank you for taking to the time to write your views. I am happy someone out there understands where I am coming from. I never imagined my marriage wold turn out to be such a cliche' . Yet here I am trying to make it seem as if I

have everything under control all the time. Some days. I feel like I am drowning here! It would be easy for me to just give into my wants and do as I please like my ex is doing. Every choice I make will affect my children and that's how I live my life. The situation is uncomfortable for my daughter, and she feels annoyed to have to share her time with him. The men here who wrote those naive responses I can imagine don't have children or are doing something similar.

[Standard-Fare]

I completely understand why this makes you feel uncomfortable in regards to your 15-year-old daughter.

 

There's potential for some negative lessons to be imparted here: like "Men go for young women, rather than women their own age," which translates to "Getting old sucks when you're a woman." There's also the message of "Hey, sweetie, much older men are about to find you really attractive!"

 

I don't know how much you can protect your daughter from this stuff but I hope you can speak with her about it candidly and thoughtfully if she feels comfortable enough.

 

But also, I'm sure your ex's relationship with this girl isn't as black and white as it seems. So maybe your daughter has something to learn from that, as well. If it was 100 percent about sex, I'm sure it wouldn't have reached the point where your daughter met the girl.