Being honest about one's intentions kills interest in women?

[irc333]

I get a kick out of how people are actually taking these "self-help how to approach, get a woman, etc to go out with you." stuff online or these packages you can purchase to find ways to get a woman interested in you.

 

It's all really a money making scam as if there was a solution. If there was even a solution, there wouldn't be so many of these products out on the market.

 

There's this one person who claims to "know it all" only because he's read or viewed the videos on such things.

 

There was a time I asked a woman out on a date, right...anyhow, she calls me back and asked me, "When you asked me out, did you mean for a date?"

 

And thinking how such a strange to even ask, "Sure, why wouldn't this be a date?" I think actually said, "Well...yes."

 

Of course what I was really thinking (Um, yeahhhhh...what rock have you been living under).

 

Anyhow, she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think of you in that way, but I'm sure I'll catch up with you at the Meetup events".

 

Apparently, for some reason when I asked her out, she didn't think it was for anything romantic. But that's beside the point, but someone told me I "dead-end it" because I should've said "No, this isn't a date, if you don't' want it to be".

 

Referred to it as "strange female logic".

 

Mind games, if you ask me. But apparently, I killed all interest and mystery because I was being honest about my interest.

 

Agree or disagree? Did I actually kill interest by saying "Yes, I consider this a date". Perhaps that's what I've been doing wrong all this time, is being honest about my intentions?

 

What's funny is, there seems to be some kind of even the most sublelist of actions that a man can do that can completely loose a woman's interest.

 

What's funny is, people here have stated that "You're just making generalizations about women", but Pick-Up Artists claim that there's a "Catch all" solution to getting a woman interested in you. That ALL women have some kind of common denominator that will attract them by following some kind of method.

 

"Oh, you were honest with intentions, women dislike that, that's why she lost interest". Apparently, according to "Pick-Up Artists" there is some kind of "Sliding Scale" that rates a woman's LEVEL of interest like on a scale from 1 to 10. And 5 being that "point of no return" if you fall beneath it. Once you fall beneath it, move on, because that woman will no longer have anything to do with you.

 

You know what's even more funny? That I rarely see any dating advice books, literature, articles on how to keep a man's interest. Correct me if I am wrong on this, but it seems that dating advice is mostly geared towards men more so than women. Is it because it doesn't take much for a woman to get a man interested? All she has to do is show up? lol

 

Of course, I see those magazine racks on "How to satisfy your man in bed" or "10 ways to...blah blah for your man" but it is apparently advice given for someone who is already in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, it's too dynamic, the variables are many, so there's no real one-shot solution to this, but people give advice in these self-help manuals as if there IS a catch-all solution to this.

[iris219]

Honesty is best. That way you don't waste your time or someone else's time.

 

When both parties are on the same page (both want to date each other), dating is surprisingly easy and there's no need to over think it.

 

When a woman likes you, it's hard to do anything wrong.

[Bigcitydreamer]

You clarifying that it was indeed a date in your eyes did not turn her off or screw up your chances. If she liked you in that way, she would have been happy you clarified it was a date.

 

You have to realize that this theory that small little things can completely ruin your chances because if she was into you, each thing you did would not be picked apart.

 

There's probably not as much dating advice for women because women in general know that these things means the other person is just not that into you to begin with.

[irc333]

You clarifying that it was indeed a date in your eyes did not turn her off or screw up your chances. If she liked you in that way, she would have been happy you clarified it was a date.

 

You have to realize that this theory that small little things can completely ruin your chances because if she was into you, each thing you did would not be picked apart.

 

There's probably not as much dating advice for women because women in general know that these things means the other person is just not that into you to begin with.

 

Yeah, I mean, you're right...there is no advice TO give in these cases. But someone assumes it's your fault (as a man) that you did SOMETHING wrong that didn't "create attraction".

 

It's like "Oh, you blinked twice before answering a question she asked, you should've blinked once instead...it's game over for you buddy"

 

These "Could've, would've, should've" dating advice is always given in HINDSIGHT if you noticed. That's part of the problem, the advice given is always after the fact, never before.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yeah, I mean, you're right...there is no advice TO give in these cases. But someone assumes it's your fault (as a man) that you did SOMETHING wrong that didn't "create attraction".

 

It's like "Oh, you blinked twice before answering a question she asked, you should've blinked once instead...it's game over for you buddy"

 

These "Could've, would've, should've" dating advice is always given in HINDSIGHT if you noticed. That's part of the problem, the advice given is always after the fact, never before.

 

I can understand thinking that you made a small mistake on your part that screwed up your chances because I've been in the same situation before but overall my experience has showed me that if they like you, then saying something weird won't throw them off you unless you keep saying weird stuff.

 

It wastes less time to just accept that they weren't really into it and move on. For example I was talking to a guy who asked me out but never clarified a time. I kept thinking I must be saying something that is causing a communication problem and that's the reason the date wasn't set properly. Turns out nope- he was just using me for an ego boost. He had no intentions of actually going out with me. It wasn't anything I said or did he just wasn't in to me I guess haha

[Scales]

You are right about PUA stuff being a scam somewhat. The core concepts they bring up are correct though. The scam comes in when they start to develop specific "routines" and tricks. It is absolutely true that as a man you can do one thing with a woman and it kills your chances. How you respond to criticism for example. If a woman makes a playful or backhanded insult to you, and you actually get upset, its over. Good game.

 

Think of it like this. There are all these ads on tv for a product that will give you 6 pack abs. The ab roller, ab cruncher, swiss ball, etc. What nobody ever tells you is that to get 6 pack abs you need to be below 10% body fat. It doesn't matter how strong your abs are. Working out your abs does give you strong abs, but nobody will see them unless you lose the fat. PUA advice is similar to the ab roller. The promise of success through a gimmick without addressing the issues of foundation.

 

Here is what happened. If a girl a has to call you to clarify that its a date, then you didn't come on strong enough. If you get a girl's number there should be no doubt from the initial interaction that you are a sexual prospect. This way she will reject you outright if shes not interested. If she does give you the number then you know you have a chance. Too many guys try to be too friendly and not enough flirty. This gives the impression of friendship which isn't good. You aren't looking for friends.

 

I do believe female attraction is gained through male behavior. That is why the interaction matters. Its not at detailed as blinking once or twice, but if you naturally are shy, a people pleaser, look down at the ground when you talk, have bad posture, or are indecisive, that stuff matters.

[Bigcitydreamer]

You are right about PUA stuff being a scam somewhat. The core concepts they bring up are correct though. The scam comes in when they start to develop specific "routines" and tricks. It is absolutely true that as a man you can do one thing with a woman and it kills your chances. How you respond to criticism for example. If a woman makes a playful or backhanded insult to you, and you actually get upset, its over. Good game.

 

Think of it like this. There are all these ads on tv for a product that will give you 6 pack abs. The ab roller, ab cruncher, swiss ball, etc. What nobody ever tells you is that to get 6 pack abs you need to be below 10% body fat. It doesn't matter how strong your abs are. Working out your abs does give you strong abs, but nobody will see them unless you lose the fat. PUA advice is similar to the ab roller. The promise of success through a gimmick without addressing the issues of foundation.

 

Here is what happened. If a girl a has to call you to clarify that its a date, then you didn't come on strong enough. If you get a girl's number there should be no doubt from the initial interaction that you are a sexual prospect. This way she will reject you outright if shes not interested. If she does give you the number then you know you have a chance. Too many guys try to be too friendly and not enough flirty. This gives the impression of friendship which isn't good. You aren't looking for friends.

 

I do believe female attraction is gained through male behavior. That is why the interaction matters. Its not at detailed as blinking once or twice, but if you naturally are shy, a people pleaser, look down at the ground when you talk, have bad posture, or are indecisive, that stuff matters.

 

So do you think if he came on stronger and made it obvious it was a date then she would have agreed to the date? Personally I don't think so. Of course personality matters but that's not what the OP is asking about. Little things like not being more aggressive about clarifying that it was a date would not put someone off who was interested in him in general. If a girl loses interest over something like that then it further proves she was not that interested to begin with.

[KathyM]

She was not interested to begin with, for whatever reason. When she initially agreed to go out, she interpreted it as going out as friends, but then started to question if you had intended more. When she realized you wanted more (an actual date), then she made it clear she wasn't interested in that. I know it's confusing and disappointing, when you think you've been clear about your intentions, and it's misinterpreted.

 

 

I would not suggest follow PUA advice, but there are a lot of books out there on how to interact with women and gain their interest. You may benefit from reading some of that.

[Scales]

So do you think if he came on stronger and made it obvious it was a date then she would have agreed to the date? Personally I don't think so. Of course personality matters but that's not what the OP is asking about. Little things like not being more aggressive about clarifying that it was a date would not put someone off who was interested in him in general. If a girl loses interest over something like that then it further proves she was not that interested to begin with.

 

I said that if he came on stronger she wouldn't have called to clarify if it was a date. She would have said no in the first place which in my opinion is a lot better. Women find some people attractive and others not. If you aren't attractive then there isn't anything you can do about that. She called to clarify because she saw him as a friend. There is no way to tell if she wasn't interested to begin with, or if it was something he said or did that put her off.

[bryceisbryce]

There's nothing wrong or unattractive about making your intentions clear. She just wasn't into you. I don't give women that aren't into me a second thought. It's a waste of time when there are women that will be into me that I haven't met yet.

[El Brujo]

I get a kick out of how people are actually taking these "self-help how to approach, get a woman, etc to go out with you." stuff online or these packages you can purchase to find ways to get a woman interested in you.

 

It's all really a money making scam as if there was a solution. If there was even a solution, there wouldn't be so many of these products out on the market.

 

There's this one person who claims to "know it all" only because he's read or viewed the videos on such things.

 

There was a time I asked a woman out on a date, right...anyhow, she calls me back and asked me, "When you asked me out, did you mean for a date?"

 

And thinking how such a strange to even ask, "Sure, why wouldn't this be a date?" I think actually said, "Well...yes."

 

Of course what I was really thinking (Um, yeahhhhh...what rock have you been living under).

 

Anyhow, she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think of you in that way, but I'm sure I'll catch up with you at the Meetup events".

 

Apparently, for some reason when I asked her out, she didn't think it was for anything romantic. But that's beside the point, but someone told me I "dead-end it" because I should've said "No, this isn't a date, if you don't' want it to be".

 

Referred to it as "strange female logic".

 

Mind games, if you ask me. But apparently, I killed all interest and mystery because I was being honest about my interest.

 

Agree or disagree? Did I actually kill interest by saying "Yes, I consider this a date". Perhaps that's what I've been doing wrong all this time, is being honest about my intentions?

 

What's funny is, there seems to be some kind of even the most sublelist of actions that a man can do that can completely loose a woman's interest.

 

What's funny is, people here have stated that "You're just making generalizations about women", but Pick-Up Artists claim that there's a "Catch all" solution to getting a woman interested in you. That ALL women have some kind of common denominator that will attract them by following some kind of method.

 

"Oh, you were honest with intentions, women dislike that, that's why she lost interest". Apparently, according to "Pick-Up Artists" there is some kind of "Sliding Scale" that rates a woman's LEVEL of interest like on a scale from 1 to 10. And 5 being that "point of no return" if you fall beneath it. Once you fall beneath it, move on, because that woman will no longer have anything to do with you.

 

You know what's even more funny? That I rarely see any dating advice books, literature, articles on how to keep a man's interest. Correct me if I am wrong on this, but it seems that dating advice is mostly geared towards men more so than women. Is it because it doesn't take much for a woman to get a man interested? All she has to do is show up? lol

 

Of course, I see those magazine racks on "How to satisfy your man in bed" or "10 ways to...blah blah for your man" but it is apparently advice given for someone who is already in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, it's too dynamic, the variables are many, so there's no real one-shot solution to this, but people give advice in these self-help manuals as if there IS a catch-all solution to this.

 

You know... a couple of days ago I was watching the video of "My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard", and what you're saying about PUAs totally makes sense on BOTH sides of the aisle.

 

If you watch that video, notice how all the men in it take an interest in the singer when she walks into the restaurant. God forbid any of the men wouldn't pay attention to her because she isn't his type!!! But in the PUA's mentality---or the tease's mentality---that can't happen. That's why PUAs/teases get so bent out of shape when someone resists their advances.

 

Truth be told, maybe a small percentage of people can feel attracted to just anyone of the opposite sex---I don't know because AFAIK nobody has done any polls asking about this---but the rest of us have some idea (however vague) of what qualities attract us vs. what qualities don't attract us... or even repel us. In the face of knowing what we like, the whole PUA/tease thing falls apart. The biggest mistake PUAs make is that they assume ALL men will buy into the PUA mentality and become sheep, unable to resist the temptations of any creature with two X chromosomes in it.

 

Re the disparity between men's and women's magazines... to me that's just a product of our social brainwashing. I don't think women have it any easier in the dating world, especially if they're particularly attractive: it takes energy after all to fend off advances from horny men, most of whom a woman can be pretty sure she won't like.

 

But I also believe if the circumstances were reversed---as they are in the asexual dating scene, where women outnumber men by about 4 to 1---we'd be seeing the same thing, except it would just be the women doing the pursuing and competing against other women, to get the choicest men to lower their defenses. We're already starting to see some of that in the real world, what with the whole men-on-strike thing.

[MissBee]

False: most magazines and books on relationships are geared towards women learning how to find and keep a man or get a man to marry them. Walk into any book store and go to the sex and relationships shelf and see for yourself...look at magazine covers (namely Cosmo for example) at the grocery store and see for yourself.

 

In any case: no, making your interest explicit does not kill a woman's interest. She was never interested in you to begin with. This is fairly simple.

 

Stop listening to this guy and reading whatever nonsense you're reading. Women want a man (whom they like) to show interest and be straightforward. I don't see how it's logical to assume that it's because you were frank why she doesn't want to date you instead of what seems to make more sense, that she didn't like you and only agreed when it was platonic but when she realized it was more, because she isn't interested opted out. Doesn't that make more sense?

 

You're making things far more complicated than they need to be. There is no insane "woman logic" at work here. If a woman likes you and you ask her out there is no confusion.

[xxoo]

She wasn't interested in dating you, simple as that. If you'd said it wasn't a date, maybe she would have accepted, but only because she doesn't mind spending time with you as a friend. But that doesn't mean it would ever lead to dating. She was being pretty clear about her boundary here: friends only, no dating. Clarity is good.

[carhill]

There was a time I asked a woman out on a date, right...anyhow, she calls me back and asked me, "When you asked me out, did you mean for a date?"

 

Click

 

To answer your title, no, it doesn't but she has to be interested in the first place, and second place, and third place and whenever you happen to call her for a date, etc, etc. and that is subject to change at any moment. Just remember the click part. No need to say anything. In fact, I recommend against it. Just a waste of time.

[gaius]

You probably killed your chances by not subtly giving off the impression you wanted to have sex with her before you asked her out.

 

Women should have some idea the date invite is coming, and you should have some idea she'll say yes by seeing her respond positively when you do send her those subtle signs.

[Imajerk17]

Here is how I see it. If you are interested in a woman and you get along well, you go to make plans to see her again one-on-one. You don't need to actually spell it out outright beforehand that it is a "date". You let your romantic interest be known by kissing her good and well ON the date.

 

--If a woman is into you, she will hope that you meant your invitation as a date.

 

--If a woman isn't sure about you either way, then she will just "see what happens" when you and she get together.

 

This woman backing out on you as she did is a very clear sign of disinterest. When she picked up the phone to call you it was already finito. If anything, I actually think your response "Yes it is a date" was the best thing to have said. If you backed away from that you would have looked weak.

 

irc333, how did your in-person interaction with this woman go? THAT would be what I would be going over if I were you. What did you and she talk about.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Imajerk17

[lollipopspot]

You know what's even more funny? That I rarely see any dating advice books, literature, articles on how to keep a man's interest. Correct me if I am wrong on this

 

O.k.: put into Google, "How to keep a man's interest."

 

You have been corrected

Edited April 28, 2014 by lollipopspot

[preraph]

She didn't lose interest because you were straightforward and asked her on a date. She just never did want to date you. Keep asking women out and try not to suffer if you're just not their type or whatever. No reason to pussyfoot around to save a friendship if what you really want is a relationship.

[somedude81]

Here is what happened. If a girl a has to call you to clarify that its a date, then you didn't come on strong enough. If you get a girl's number there should be no doubt from the initial interaction that you are a sexual prospect. This way she will reject you outright if shes not interested. If she does give you the number then you know you have a chance. Too many guys try to be too friendly and not enough flirty. This gives the impression of friendship which isn't good. You aren't looking for friends.

Coming on strong and being really flirty is much harder than it sounds.

 

I have this problem all the time where women misread my intentions. I am trying to be as flirty as I possibly can be but it's still not enough.

 

If this problem happens to a lot of guys, then the real issue seems to be that women are pretty dense. I have no idea why a woman would think that a man is just looking for friends when he wants to spend time alone with her.

 

The vast majority of single guys are not looking to make friends with women.

[irc333]

 

The vast majority of single guys are not looking to make friends with women.

 

 

Believe it or not, I've been getting to know a woman on OK Cupid for some time now, she was in the middle of moving to my area and now has settled in. We are going out this weekend.

 

She's of the mind of "Friends first before quickly diving into anything romantic".

 

She's actually had to tell men to back off after they made 2 or 3 attempts to try to kiss her or get close. Apparently, they've been too pushy with her, so it really depends on the person.

 

She's heard of the concept of "You better kiss or have sex on X number of dates or else it just won't happen".

 

She completely disbelieves that notion, so it's good to meet someone like minded in that respect.

[irc333]

Here is how I see it. If you are interested in a woman and you get along well, you go to make plans to see her again one-on-one. You don't need to actually spell it out outright beforehand that it is a "date". You let your romantic interest be known by kissing her good and well ON the date.

 

--If a woman is into you, she will hope that you meant your invitation as a date.

 

--If a woman isn't sure about you either way, then she will just "see what happens" when you and she get together.

 

This woman backing out on you as she did is a very clear sign of disinterest. When she picked up the phone to call you it was already finito. If anything, I actually think your response "Yes it is a date" was the best thing to have said. If you backed away from that you would have looked weak.

 

Agreed. It's kind of weird how some people suggest otherwise.

 

 

irc333, how did your in-person interaction with this woman go? THAT would be what I would be going over if I were you. What did you and she talk about.

 

I kept it the conversation light and got to know her a little. I don't know any specifics as it was long ago.

[irc333]

What a get a kick out of is these men in these Meetups....I know this woman that a guy gets her # and he asks her out, and she says, "Sure, but only as friends , okay?"

 

And they say, "Okay" and they are thinking "Suuuuure...I'll be her friend, then I'll make a move on her by sliding my arm around her waist as I chat with people at a public venue". Trying to force it.

 

It's a recipe for disaster, she must've went through this with 5 guys at these Meetups, result, she doesn't go to Meetups anymore...she stays home most times.

 

I don't want to be THAT guy.

[salparadise]

Here is what happened. If a girl a has to call you to clarify that its a date, then you didn't come on strong enough. If you get a girl's number there should be no doubt from the initial interaction that you are a sexual prospect. This way she will reject you outright if shes not interested. If she does give you the number then you know you have a chance. Too many guys try to be too friendly and not enough flirty. This gives the impression of friendship which isn't good. You aren't looking for friends.

 

Exactly. The fact that she didn't understand means that you did not establish the attraction/sexual tension. But on the other hand, she should've known. Guys don't ask women out to talk about the feng shui. The intent should be transmitted telepathically by simply exuding the right kind of energy. I'm sure that can be translated to body language and vocabulary, but I think you need to get that sexy energy working intuitively.

[irc333]

Exactly. The fact that she didn't understand means that you did not establish the attraction/sexual tension

 

Let's say that I had did that, then...I would know right then and there that she would not be interested.

 

If I had attempted to create some kind of sexual tension let's say before I got her phone, just in the initial stages of convesation on the first time I ever met her and introduced myself, then let some kind of inneundo or double entendre, "telepathy", exuding some energy, or whatever fly, she probably would've gone "Ew, this guy I am not attracted to is hitting on me".

 

That being said, she probably would've exhibited body language or may have been short with me.

 

Then , I would've known sooner than later (when calling her) that she wasn't interested in me in that way.

 

So...either way....she wasn't interested.

[InnocentMan]

When a woman starts pulling the "just as friends" BS, it just means she's not physically attracted to you. That's fair enough, but it's hardly a terminal blow to your chances. The only way you'll ever get a woman that's more attractive than you is through the back door. Going out on a "date", or whatever they want to label it, should be seen as a challenge, and an opportunity.

 

Too many dudes give up after the first perceived rejection, which kinda just makes it easier for those that actually understand the game. Being "friends" with a woman, is one the best routes into a woman's affections, especially if you're an average looking dude.

 

In this situation, you should have said " no it's not a date, I thought we were just hanging out", or some similar crap. This would have her immediately wondering why you don't see her that way. The job's half done.