On a break with my girlfriend *not a mutual decision* and truly

[Natsume21]

Natsume - you're an awesome dude.

 

I'm totally with you on the lack of respect, but what I can't get out of my head are the external factors which I think led to this. Again, I want to emphasize that this doesn't justify anything, she treated me like dirt, and it f'n sucks. But I want to explain the facts.

 

She doesn't have any friends. None. It was essentially me and her mom in her life. I always tried to get her to meet people. For example, a lot of my colleagues are in their 20s and we generally go out after work at least once a week for drinks. I always tried to get her to come out, but she always resisted. Other examples included going on double dates and joining a bowling league with another couple. Nothing. The reason I'm bringing this up is because she doesn't get attention because she never got out unless it was with me. And to be frank, I'm 6'6. People aren't going to hit on the girlfriend of a 6'6 dude. So flash forward to her getting asked out a month ago. She got attention that she's generally not exposed to.

 

Further, she just graduated school and doesn't have a job locked up past August. Given that she has anxiety and likes to be in control of everything, I know this stresses her out. I've known that she has been stressed about what she wants to do with her life as we have talked about her decision not to pursue graduate school, which really seemed to be set in stone.

 

And finally, she fears turning into her mother. I mentioned this originally but her mother has no one. She's divorced and is miserable. My ex admits this herself. In conjunction with the fact that she had noone except me and that her job situation is up in the air beyond this summer, I know things aren't exactly in tip top shape between the ears.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm starting to believe that there really isn't one definite factor that led to all this. It seems to be a "perfect storm" where everything just came together

 

Again this doesn't change anything, I'm not breaking no contact. She treated me like absolute garbage and lied to my face. But it's what iv been thinking.

 

Let me break it down for you, if it'll help.

 

1. She didn't have any friends prior to the changes-she sounds like a formerly introverted person, like my ex was. However, seems with her, her attitude changed when she made new friends(also my ex) Strike 1 of this offense: her lack of social experience. I'm betting before she met you, she didn't have hunks of guys trying to get with her, I assume. But then all of a sudden, she got loads of it, I assume? She wasn't used to it, and it must've given here a HUGE ego boost. So much, that all the talk of her being with other guys got her thinking "Why should I settle? There are tons of guys that want to be with me! Maybe I should re-consider settling down." A girl who is not used to sexual attention equals a ticking-time bomb of low-self esteem influenced bad decision-making based on her new addiction to her starved ego. May I say you dodged a bullet there? Strike 1.

 

2. She's having control issues because her immediate plans for after college aren't falling through-my previous ex also started acting strange once she found herself at a different job than her degree had provided. She got depressed over it. The lack of control your ex must have been felt called for her to get an emotional(and maybe financial) escape from the sudden reality of adulthood(and therefore, boredom) that was crushing at her self-esteem. Having a new fling or relationship would have been the perfect escape in her eyes, as her current one at the time reminded her of the mundane things she didn't want to do. Strike 2. That is a clear sign of selfishness in a unwritten, honest bond you call a serious relationship.

 

3. She doesn't want to become her mother, who, according to her, is a lonely, loveless person destined to never find a man to love.--that translates to "If I marry you, I might end up miserable and alone while I'm with you. So I need something exciting, but bad for me, to make me forget about the reality that I have to take responsibility. Screw people's feelings, I DON'T WANNA GROW UP WITHOUT EXPERIENCING everything! Strike 3, it's all about her, her, her.

 

 

 

Wow, were we dating the same person? We might need to talk later, this is oddly creepy.

 

Translation, she's not ready to settle. But she was sure enough ready to keep you on a leash while she window shopped. All of what I said is just my take on what's going on: She saw you as easily replaceable, but didn't want to, on the off chance, have you out in case it went away.

 

She's too immature to handle things like an adult. And immature children need to be punished. That doesn't mean she's evil. Just really emotionally selfish and currently a terrible match for you.

 

The logic behind this, and this is gonna hurt, is like a child to a toy. We get our first toy, and we love it as a kid, right? Then we get a little older, and we see a shiny new toy, with buttons, cranks, needles, and turns, right? What do we do? We toss that old toy away and we REVEL in the newness of it all. But eventually, we get tired of said new toy...but do we throw it away? No. For some, we keep it around UNTIL we get access to a new toy.

 

Boredom. Plain and simple. Again why you couldn't stop it.

 

See what I'm saying? That's why it's much easier for women in general to replace guys: more options readily available. However, those who are older always look back on our first old toy with fond memories, sometimes with even more appreciation than the toys before it, cause while the new toys had nice buttons and lights and sounds, that old toy didn't break down when times got tough.

 

But you're no toy, you're a human being. You're much more valuable than that, so why let some woman treat you like a toy when you should be treated like a human?

 

 

It's gonna be tough, bro. And you'll always wonder what you did wrong. Instead, focus on what parts of you you want to change to feel better about yourself, work on those, cause a new woman and opportunity is just around the corner.

 

I'm a terrible pep talker, but 9 months ago my wallflower ex cheated on me and left me. To this day it doesn't make sense, but now I'm mostly indifferent. You'll get there.

 

If someone wants to be in your life, they will prove it. Remember that. Life's too short for the BS.

 

--Natsume21.

Edited May 4, 2014 by Natsume21

[km19]

@Natsume - I really enjoy reading your posts and opinions. And not just in my thread. They are extremely insightful but they open up my eyes to really comprehend what is happening. And simultaneously you really put an emphasis on self worth. That last line about people proving they want to be in your life, I couldn't agree more and something I want to live by

 

@truth hurts - it's funny that you mention that this was bound to happen because the more I think about it, the more I agree with you. Earlier on I kept thinking to myself "why didn't I go to the gym with her so this dude knew she had a boyfriend". Because in my mind, this is what would have prevented all this. But the fact of the matter is, regardless if I somehow prevented this specific situation, a similar situation would have risen next week, next month, 6 months from now, etc that I wouldn't be able to prevent. It was inevitable. If it didn't happen this time, it was going to happen sometime down the road.

 

I feel like I'm making some progress. Earlier on I felt like I was counting every day of NC, whereas now I'm just keeping no contact and the days just keep accumulating without really comprehending the number of days it's been. Baby steps!

[Trep]

You're doing a lot better than 99% of the guys/girls that come through here. Keep it up and keep us updated

[crederer]

Sorry buddy but she was trying to break up with you as gently as possible because she's a coward.

 

She's already been on a date and going on a second after 5 days? Yeah, I'm sure she needed the time to figure herself out all right. I know the feeling man. It sucks. Reading this is bringing back some bad memories. It's over, she straight up broke up with you and didn't even bother taking time to get over it because she was already over it before she ended it.

 

Sorry man.

[crederer]

Thanks to both of you for the support! I feel extremely fortunate to have this forum to come to in a case of need or just as an avenue to take my mind off things.

 

I absolutely plan on remaining active on the forum throughout this entire process.

 

It has been easier than expected, I'm not going to lie. This isn't to say it hasn't been hard. I've been able to keep busy with work and catching up with friends. The hardest part for me right now is understanding that the I don't have the companionship, the relationship was that essentially going 7 years strong isn't there anymore. That companionship where you can just be you without even thinking twice. I know it's gone with her, but the dynamic of that companionship is fresh in my mind.

 

Thanks again to all. I can't stress it enough how awesome you all are!

 

Yah these forums can be a blessing and a curse. You get a lot of support and good advice but it's posts like these that remind me why I haven't been on here in a while. The bad feelings come flooding back after reading your post.

 

god damn.

[crederer]

I think the world enjoys toying with me, especially today. Got an email stating that my ex has now joined Linkedin and it said I should add her as a connection. Obviously just an auto-generated email. Then our company gave out some Cineplex passes for two. Just stings

 

And the more I think about all this, the more infuriated I become. I'm just assuming that there were issues in the relationship that I just wasn't privy to. But it's the lack of communication that pisses me off. Why weren't these concerns brought up? Why didn't we work on these issues or even make an effort? I look back and think I could have handled some situations differently, but it's not enough to simply drop everything.

 

And the one big thing that baffles me. She drops me for a 32 year old divorced father. I'm sorry, but what the ****.

 

I just needed to vent. I'm literally dumbfounded by this entire situation.

 

I had one when I was 22 dump me for a 42 year old married man. And surprise surprise that didnt work out very well.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude, I like your motivation. But, I'm going to warn you, she'll probably try to make contact with you here in the future.

 

 

Right now, she's tied up trying to get things started with new guy. But, once the honeymoon phase is over, she'll probably start thinking about what happened between the two of you. Right now, she's probably pissed at you for ending the 30 day period and she has someone else to occupy her time. Or, she knows you're pissed and she's giving you time to cool off. But, sooner or later, she's going to start to wonder. What did you know? What did you find out to end things so abruptly? Are you still pissed at her? Why did you suddenly flip on her? Did you find someone else as well?

 

 

Curiosity is going to get the better of her and she'll make contact. The hard part here is for you to ignore her! Completely! Give her nothing!

 

 

If she contacts you, ignore it and post here instead.

[Strength in Healing]

I was in a similar situation. She left me for an abusive guy 12 years older.

 

If it makes you feel any better brother, it won't work out between your ex and him. And he's a creep for praying on someone that much younger. But she's getting used, and will get left with nothing. Make sure when she comes crawling back you tell her she's just like her mother and to enjoy being alone. Now she can "do her" forever. Tell her she lost a good thing, and perhaps she should go back to school to learn proper English.

 

 

For one to "do" themselves would require contortion of our anatomy.

 

God, I hate that saying. It lowers my IQ every time.

[FredJones80]

For one to "do" themselves would require contortion of our anatomy.

 

I think I saw a website about that once :lmao:

[km19]

Okay dude, I like your motivation. But, I'm going to warn you, she'll probably try to make contact with you here in the future.

 

 

Right now, she's tied up trying to get things started with new guy. But, once the honeymoon phase is over, she'll probably start thinking about what happened between the two of you. Right now, she's probably pissed at you for ending the 30 day period and she has someone else to occupy her time. Or, she knows you're pissed and she's giving you time to cool off. But, sooner or later, she's going to start to wonder. What did you know? What did you find out to end things so abruptly? Are you still pissed at her? Why did you suddenly flip on her? Did you find someone else as well?

 

 

Curiosity is going to get the better of her and she'll make contact. The hard part here is for you to ignore her! Completely! Give her nothing!

 

If she contacts you, ignore it and post here instead.

 

I honestly don't know if she will try to contact me. She knows I'm aware of the new dude. Hence why i said I don't trust her.

 

She might come back, I could be wrong. But to be honest, I'm leaning towards never hearing from her again.

[Chi townD]

I honestly don't know if she will try to contact me. She knows I'm aware of the new dude. Hence why i said I don't trust her.

 

She might come back, I could be wrong. But to be honest, I'm leaning towards never hearing from her again.

 

 

 

 

 

Which will be a good thing is this happened. Hell, my Ex never contacted me again and that was really helpful to my healing process!

 

 

But, the difference between you and me is that I caught her straight out cheating on me, I confronted and she absolutely blasted me. Nothing more to say after that. You were being put into a holding pattern. She was trying to deceive you, to lie to you. And she never got the opportunity to try and defend her actions. That guilt might eat away at her.

 

 

So, there might be a day that she tries to reach out to you. It might not be tomorrow. It might not be next month, it might not be next year! But, there's a strong chance that she might. So, be ready for it, but pray that she never does.

[km19]

So I got a text message from my ex's mother this morning. My ex dropped off a cord that connects my MacBook to my TV about 2 days before we broke up. The message essentially asked for it back. I was dumbfounded.

 

I honestly felt bad for her mom because I know with 100% confidence my ex made her do this despite how awkward it would be for her. I'm off today anyhow and i just dropped the cord off on her porch because I was in the area.

 

I almost texted my ex saying how childish this was but I decided against it. I simply just responded to her mom apologizing that she had to be put in the middle of all this and wished her a good weekend. To be perfectly honest, I think she's as baffled by all of this as I am.

 

But if anything, it just further reinforced the immaturity surrounding this relationship and breakup

Edited May 9, 2014 by km19

[Chi townD]

Good, don't respond to her. Don't send her messages, emails, texts, phonecalls......none of it!

 

 

You're in NC. Sooner or later, your Ex's mom with want nothing to do with this (especially if you're being respectful), and then it will stop.

[Natsume21]

So I got a text message from my ex's mother this morning. My ex dropped off a cord that connects my MacBook to my TV about 2 days before we broke up. The message essentially asked for it back. I was dumbfounded.

 

I honestly felt bad for her mom because I know with 100% confidence my ex made her do this despite how awkward it would be for her. I'm off today anyhow and i just dropped the cord off on her porch because I was in the area.

 

I almost texted my ex saying how childish this was but I decided against it. I simply just responded to her mom apologizing that she had to be put in the middle of all this and wished her a good weekend. To be perfectly honest, I think she's as baffled by all of this as I am.

 

But if anything, it just further reinforced the immaturity surrounding this relationship and breakup

 

You're not alone. Ex sent her mother to talk to me after she got caught, which was a huge coward move since her mother did not like me to begin with.

 

Dude forget about the breadcrumbs, this is clear disrespect. Don't even give this chick the time of day.

[km19]

Been a roller coaster ride of emotions over the last few days. I bought my first car over the weekend and I'm extremely excited about it. I will say, however, it was hard not to share something like this with her.

 

Just gotta stay focused and realize what I'm doing is right. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't tempted to break NC. It's the companionship dynamic, or lack there of, that upsets me.

 

Deep down I know all of this is right. I think my subconscious is also on my side - I had a dream a few nights ago where we got back together and I was a jealous, self conscious and insecure douche. Dream or not, it was something that gave me a kick in the pants and just opened my eyes on how things would be.

[km19]

Happy to report I'm coming up on the 30 day mark of NC and the BU. And to be honest, I didn't even realize it until a friend asked how long it has been.

 

I'm definitely still experiencing some up and down days. I picked up my car last week and my new golf clubs I ordered about a month and a half ago came in. Hey, I'll take some tangible goods keeping my mind preoccupied! This weekend is a bit rough because for the past 3 or so years, we have spent the entire Victoria Day (Canadian Holiday) long weekend together and it again was something we had discussed in great deal leading up the BU.

 

I have had a couple of friends who I haven't kept in contact with recently ask if everything was okay (they noticed my Facebook pictures with my ex are gone and relationship status have changed). It's nice to have support from unexpected sources. It truly expedites the entire process. BTW I thank the lord every day my ex doesn't have Facebook.

 

Work is keeping me busy and I got back into working out a week after the BU and have been quite diligent with the workout schedule.

 

Anyhow, it's nice to write down my thoughts and progress every once in a while. I'm well aware that I remain in the early stages of this process, and continuing to post updated gives me the affirmation that NC is the correct decision. Thanks to you all for reading/posting/listening!

[Jay77098]

Happy to report I'm coming up on the 30 day mark of NC and the BU. And to be honest, I didn't even realize it until a friend asked how long it has been.

 

I'm definitely still experiencing some up and down days. I picked up my car last week and my new golf clubs I ordered about a month and a half ago came in. Hey, I'll take some tangible goods keeping my mind preoccupied! This weekend is a bit rough because for the past 3 or so years, we have spent the entire Victoria Day (Canadian Holiday) long weekend together and it again was something we had discussed in great deal leading up the BU.

 

I have had a couple of friends who I haven't kept in contact with recently ask if everything was okay (they noticed my Facebook pictures with my ex are gone and relationship status have changed). It's nice to have support from unexpected sources. It truly expedites the entire process. BTW I thank the lord every day my ex doesn't have Facebook.

 

Work is keeping me busy and I got back into working out a week after the BU and have been quite diligent with the workout schedule.

 

Anyhow, it's nice to write down my thoughts and progress every once in a while. I'm well aware that I remain in the early stages of this process, and continuing to post updated gives me the affirmation that NC is the correct decision. Thanks to you all for reading/posting/listening!

 

 

km, I am proud of you. You are doing the right things and staying strong. I wish I had your resolve. I am ashamed to admit that I broke down a week ago and reached out to my ex. The result was not good. The LS community is absolutely right: NC is the way to go, the ONLY way to go.

 

You are doing great; hang in there as the emotional roller coaster can hit you at any given time, in my experience. Stay strong; well done so far.

[km19]

km, I am proud of you. You are doing the right things and staying strong. I wish I had your resolve. I am ashamed to admit that I broke down a week ago and reached out to my ex. The result was not good. The LS community is absolutely right: NC is the way to go, the ONLY way to go.

 

You are doing great; hang in there as the emotional roller coaster can hit you at any given time, in my experience. Stay strong; well done so far.

 

I appreciate it, dude.

 

I don't think without this community would I have made it this far. I have this thread in my bookmarks on my phone so I can reference in times of weakness.

 

There is absolutely no shame in admitting you broke NC. The key is how you respond. Breaking NC with your ex is in the past, and you now know there is no benefit to it. You have the resolve, you're strong and confident. Post here in times of need and talk to your friends and family. I have a great supporting cast around me who are all ears when I need to talk. Personally, talking out loud legitimizes maintaining NC. It empowers me to understand my self worth. Don't be afraid to use your resources!

 

I recommend it to everyone.

Edited May 18, 2014 by km19

[km19]

Been a weird couple days. First off, I want to say that I felt like I made significant strides last week. I felt happy and good all week. I still thought of my ex but they didn't overwhelm me and, more importantly, they were more about how this breakup is good for me. I felt extremely confident all week and even got a girls number when I was golfing. It was a slow round and I talked to a girl in the group in front of us multiple times and left with her number. I felt unstoppable.

 

Flash forward to the present. Both yesterday and today and I feel like I did within the first week of the BU, feeling down, loss of appetite, sleeping being disrupted, you get the idea. I have prepared myself for a bumpy ride, but I did hope that the feelings from early on would go away.

 

It's been about 5 weeks since the BU. I just keep telling myself that I'm still making progress. 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress.

[somecamel]

Been a weird couple days. First off, I want to say that I felt like I made significant strides last week. I felt happy and good all week. I still thought of my ex but they didn't overwhelm me and, more importantly, they were more about how this breakup is good for me. I felt extremely confident all week and even got a girls number when I was golfing. It was a slow round and I talked to a girl in the group in front of us multiple times and left with her number. I felt unstoppable.

 

Flash forward to the present. Both yesterday and today and I feel like I did within the first week of the BU, feeling down, loss of appetite, sleeping being disrupted, you get the idea. I have prepared myself for a bumpy ride, but I did hope that the feelings from early on would go away.

 

It's been about 5 weeks since the BU. I just keep telling myself that I'm still making progress. 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress.

 

Keeping a positive mental attitude is the only way forward and it sounds like you're doing great:)

 

5 weeks isn't that long so be prepared for those steps back, but as long as you're taking more steps forward you're on the road to recovery:)

[km19]

Well it's about 6 weeks in. I'm not sure what I was expecting from myself or my ex, but I guess I'd hoped I'd feel a little better. Like I said in my previous update, I felt really good a couple weeks ago, but the progress I thought I was making seems to have disappeared.

 

I hate to say but this is the first time I've ever thought about breaking NC. I won't do it because I know nothing will come from it and I have zero intentions of going through these 6 weeks again. I guess where I'm at is I'm shocked that my ex hasn't reached out. I get that this is probably the best for me. It's just facing the fact that this is the girl I spent almost 7 years of my life with. The same girl who I lived with for 3 years while in university. The same girl who, 5 days prior to our breakup, told me she had the most amazing day and sent me message after message saying how much she missed me.

 

I guess I'm at the acceptance stage now. Acceptance ****ing sucks.

 

Someone give me a kick in the @$$. I could use it.

[somecamel]

Well it's about 6 weeks in. I'm not sure what I was expecting from myself or my ex, but I guess I'd hoped I'd feel a little better. Like I said in my previous update, I felt really good a couple weeks ago, but the progress I thought I was making seems to have disappeared.

 

I hate to say but this is the first time I've ever thought about breaking NC. I won't do it because I know nothing will come from it and I have zero intentions of going through these 6 weeks again. I guess where I'm at is I'm shocked that my ex hasn't reached out. I get that this is probably the best for me. It's just facing the fact that this is the girl I spent almost 7 years of my life with. The same girl who I lived with for 3 years while in university. The same girl who, 5 days prior to our breakup, told me she had the most amazing day and sent me message after message saying how much she missed me.

 

I guess I'm at the acceptance stage now. Acceptance ****ing sucks.

 

Someone give me a kick in the @$$. I could use it.

 

Chill and enjoy the ride mate:) The roller coaster is long, with lots of ups and down but you're not quite ready to come off yet:)

 

My breakup was similar to yours, 7 years etc, but the girl now disgusts me, I gave up trying to find reason and dare I say fault as to what happened, but what will be will be and there is only one way- That's forward:)

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're doing all of the right things. But, make positive changes. Continue to be busy. Hell, you have new golf clubs! Break them in! Travel south to the states with a couple buddies for a golf weekend!

 

Keep yourself extremely busy! That's the key!

[km19]

@somecamel - I think, like you did, just stopping trying to dissect everything is what I have to do. Regardless if I think and reflect on why this happened, I still won't make sense of all of it. And that truly will make me move forward like you said. Thanks for chiming in, I really appreciate and value your posts.

 

@chi_town - Busy has been my mantra. I'm making sure I have something to do all weekend to keep myself preoccupied. It's funny you mention a golf weekend because it's something iv talked with a few friends about. Can get some really sweet deals down in South Carolina and even New York. Gonna push it even harder now!

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Probably a bit late to reply but it's a serious case of the GIGS. Plus that other *******