Cheated on my boyfriend, betraying my closest sister in the process

[CompleteIdiot]

I'm sorry this is so damn long. But you must understand my story before you are able to advise me.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. The past half year we have been doing long distance because he had to move to another province about 8 hours away. It has been extremely hard, but we are completely in love, and constantly discuss our future together, as we know being apart is only temporary.

 

He is my first love, and the first man I have considered marrying. And he was the first man I had ever slept with, until I did something awful to ruin that...

 

I currently live with my sister and her boyfriend, and have done so for the past year. One night, a few weeks ago, we went out to see a band playing at a local pub. I brought a friend along, so it was the four of us. We all got pretty drunk, especially my sister and I.

 

When the night was over, we made our way home. I apparently passed out in the back seat of the car. My sister was in the front seat, while her boyfriend was in the back with me for some reason. They were having relationship issues. Anyway, I woke up briefly, and felt him kissing me while i was lying in the car...I was obviously shocked and pushed him away. By then we had arrived home, and I went straight to bed, shut my bedroom door.

 

I was lying there falling asleep, when my sisters boyfriend knocked and came inside. I remember him bringing me tons of water, and I just kept glugging it down. Then he sat on my bed...and I sort of realised how inappropriate that was, even in my drunken state. But I let him. And then he started kissing me. And that led to more. We ended up having a blurry, unfinished session of sex, before I stopped it half way through. Probably sobered up by my conscience. I couldn't believe what I had just done, it did not feel real...

 

The next morning was horrible. I stayed locked in my room all day like a hermit. So ashamed of myself. And I wondered where my sister had been last night. Apparently she had been passed out upstairs while we were downstairs, and was completely oblivious to what had happened. I also skyped my boyfriend that day, like we always do on a Sunday. He was completely unaware too.

 

One of the worst things about this is, I have to see this guy every day of my life. Constantly being reminded of what happened. Having to try act normal. I am just completely consumed with guilt and remorse. I've lost so much weight, can't sleep well at all. I feel sick all the time.

 

We avoid each other mostly, and keep it very brief when we do have to interact. He and I have agreed to keep it between us for the time being...but recently, he has been telling me how terribly it has been affecting him and his relationship with my sister. He wants to tell her everything to rid himself of the guilt, but says he only will with my consent. So there's that. I could potentially ruin the relationship with my sister forever. And we are very close. She's like a best friend.

 

My relationship with my boyfriend hadn't been going very well at the time. We hadn't seen each other for more than 3 months, and the communication had been sparse because he was so busy studying and whatnot. Overall, I was lonely and missing him terribly....starting to feel very disheartened about our relationships survival. But not enough to cheat on him, you know?

 

He has visited once since then, for about a week. He stayed with me in this house with my sister and her boyfriend. It was...tense. There was tension in the household. But he was so unsuspecting, and I had an amazing time with him and I felt like everything would be fine. When he left though...I think the guilt worsened. It got so much worse.

 

I never thought I could do something like this to a man I love this much. And I am just so utterly disappointed in myself. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know why the hell I did what I did. And trust is a HUGE part in our relationship. He has had a history of being cheated on, which makes it a very sensitive subject for him. Without the trust, our relationship would be destroyed.

 

I just need advice from you. From someone. On what to do.

 

Telling him would undoubtedly break his heart, and possibly prevent him from trusting women in the future. So part of me thinks that is a very selfish option. I have a strong feeling he would break up with me, too. And that thought terrifies me like you cannot imagine.

 

Not telling him...having to live with this secret for life...sounds daunting. Our relationship would feel based on a big lie, which is the last thing I want. But I'm worried there won't be a relationship at all if I don't keep the truth from him. And if he doesn't know, we could have an amazing long future together.

 

The long distance also complicates things a lot. If I were to tell him, I would really want it to be in person. But that is not possible right now.

 

I have learnt from this mistake...from this pain. This suffocation. I've betrayed the two people I love most in this world. I don't want to hurt them with this information. How do I decide to do what is right?

[MrMeh]

You already know what to do. Face the consequences of your decision and exemplify the minute amount trust you have left of your current relationship by telling your bf.

[mike_89]

Well this is a real pickle. By telling you might get rid of the enormous guilt you feel but you must think this through. By telling your BF word might go out to your sister and you have to realise that she might never want to have anything to do with you ever again. She will probably blame you for sleeping with her man.

 

What do you really get from confessing here? You get rid of your guilt, you get to be honest and feel like you have done the right thing, but you will also destroy the relationship with both your boyfriend and your closest sister. Is this really worth it to be honest and clear your guilt? If you think so, confess. If you don't, keep on lying and keep feeling the guilt.

[Grumpybutfun]

Why do it, because it is the right and honest thing to do. It takes courage and integrity to do the right thing and that is what you want to have in your life, not cowardice because you don't want to upset the status quo or lose things. Take responsibility for your actions...Tell your sister and your bf. If you do not, you will never be able to have relationships based on mutual support and trust again. Yes, the fallout is going to be devastating and you may end up alone, but otherwise you will be alone anyway because you can't have a relationship without honesty and your cheating and omissions will come out in your relationships in other destructive ways.

Might want to rethink your relationship with alcohol too. Anything that uninhibits me so much to do something so destructive is something I don't want in my life.

Time to face the music,

Grumps

[TylerDurdenn]

Please tell your boyfriend.

[CompleteIdiot]

mike_89, thank you for your answer...What you say is true, confessing would only ease my guilt. That is the only good that would come out of it. And in that case, I don't think it's worth it.

Edited April 27, 2014 by CompleteIdiot

[CompleteIdiot]

Thanks for the feedback, Grumpybutfun. Well I honestly don't think I could handle losing this person at the moment. So I've decided I will tell him in a few years time, if we get married (before we get married). By then, it may not be as big a deal, and I have a lot more hope that we will be able to move passed it as a couple. Any thoughts on that?

 

Oh, and I haven't been out drinking heavily since...I actually hardly go out anymore. Yeah, don't need that stuff in my life. It only causes troubles.

Edited April 27, 2014 by CompleteIdiot

[ThatMan]

mike_89, thank you for your answer...What you say is true, confessing would only ease my guilt. That is the only good that would come out of it. And in that case, I don't think it's worth it.

What happened to you was not okay. I would like to believe that your boyfriend would be supportive and understanding, but the reality is that few can process this sort of information. It sounds like you've been raped. You can withhold this information... But I encourage you to be open about what happened, if only with a therapist, clergy, support hotlines, and those who you could help you. Whether or not you'd like to talk about what happened is entirely up to you. But you need to know that you aren't alone. Do you need help accessing resources?

Edited April 27, 2014 by ThatMan

[CompleteIdiot]

Thank you for responding. Raped? I don't know...I would say he took advantage of the situation, yeah. Took advantage of my drunkness, my loneliness. Not to mention, he was drunk himself. Coming into my room was wrong. I didn't want it, would not have pursued it. But because he came to me, I just...let it happen. I didn't even enjoy it. But I continued on with it. I really wish he never moved into our house in the first place.

[CompleteIdiot]

I mean, what even defines rape? First he kissed me in the car when I was barely conscious. Then he came into my room, my personal space, when my door was clearly shut and I was about to sleep. I kept thinking, "I don't want this". Because I didn't. But at one point, I remember getting on top of him. And if I'm in control, even if I'm not enjoying it, then surely I can't say it is rape. I just don't know. I don't understand myself sometimes. Sometimes my actions seem to completely contradict what I truly want.

 

Perhaps I was just seduced or pressurised.

[ThatMan]

I'm not there, I don't know what happened, but it seems as though your consent is in question. It might be a really good idea to call up a hotline.

[CompleteIdiot]

I don't want to play the victim here. I can't call it rape. I know there are things I could have done to stop what happened. I could have pushed him off of me. Or better yet, I could have told him to leave my room as he kissed me. I was seduced, I didn't have the will power to say no. And that is my fault. I have to live with that regret.

 

Please don't tell me I don't love him though...I really honestly do. If I didn't love him, I would not fear losing him this much. And I would tell him what happened. It's not so easy when you have planned to spend your life together.

[kaylan]

Thanks for the feedback, Grumpybutfun. Well I honestly don't think I could handle losing this person at the moment. So I've decided I will tell him in a few years time, if we get married (before we get married). By then, it may not be as big a deal, and I have a lot more hope that we will be able to move passed it as a couple. Any thoughts on that?

 

Oh, and I haven't been out drinking heavily since...I actually hardly go out anymore. Yeah, don't need that stuff in my life. It only causes troubles.

So you are going to selfishly keep this from your sister and your bf?

 

Im sorry but you are a terrible person, and I hope your relationship fails. I would dump you immediately even if I found out a few years later. It would only be much worse then, because you hoodwinked me into continuing a relationship based on lies.

 

And Id definitely disown a brother if he slept with my gf and then kept it from me. Go ahead and keep thinking just about yourself OP. Meanwhile your sisters bf will likely go off and cheat on her again...and your boyfriend gets to live a lie of a relationship.

 

Everyones happy

Edited April 28, 2014 by kaylan

[Darren Steez]

People talk about love, feeling love, being in love but only when it suits their purposes.

 

Love is about honor, trust, fidelity, sharing and being honest. You cannot omit or pick and choose which tenets you avow to. You cannot be in love, then cheat on your significant other.

 

You cannot be in love and not be honest with them.

 

You talk about marriage, which is essentially tying someone to a life long contract, but you are doing so under false pretenses.

 

You cannot talk about suddenly being all valiant by omitting the truth just because it suits you. If you think it's selfish to tell the truth and destroy someone's world, well that's the consequence of your actions, but it's also selfish to falsely let someone not have a choice to decide the outcome of a very significant moment in their life.

 

You love him so much, then you do right by him and this relationship and you tell him. Then show him how much you love him by busting your a*s to work at your relationship and make him feel safe.

[HopefulAsh]

Coming from someone who got cheated on, I think you need to tell him. My ex cheated on me a lot more than you did, but even one time is enough. Plus what if you're not the first person he cheated with? He seemed so eager to start something with you. What if he's had sex with other women? It's only fair to your sister to know. It's not fair to either your sister or your boyfriend.

[Leigh 87]

Who cares about YOUR needs.

 

Tell your sister and boyfriend, likely lose both of them, and then deal with the consequences and get therapy to help guide you to be a more decent person. If you deal with the aftermath by coming clean and losing the two people you love the most, THAT is justice and that is what one would do IF they had any moral compass.

 

Your bf can find a girl who treats him as well as you do and NEVER cheats on him, there is no need to keep him around; you do not have anything he cannot find again one day.

 

You have already screwed up. Telling them about it wont make you a better person for it, but it will make you a positively sh*tty person if you DO NOT tell them. Telling them is about THEM getting what they deserve; to be able to seek out partners who do not betray them.

 

Telling them is NOT about YOU.

 

Tell them for THEIR benefit, knowing full well you are no better for having told them.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for the feedback, Grumpybutfun. Well I honestly don't think I could handle losing this person at the moment. So I've decided I will tell him in a few years time, if we get married (before we get married). By then, it may not be as big a deal, and I have a lot more hope that we will be able to move passed it as a couple. Any thoughts on that?

 

Oh, and I haven't been out drinking heavily since...I actually hardly go out anymore. Yeah, don't need that stuff in my life. It only causes troubles.

 

 

oh please.

 

YOU can't handle losing him, you you YOU.

 

What about HIS rights!

 

He has a right to seek out a partner who doesn't cheat.

 

How can you even THINK about NOT allowing him to make an INFORMED decision about his MAJOR life choices, aka marriage.....

 

Grow some balls, most of us have LOST someone, I couldn't go outside for days after my ex broke up with me, I was hysterical.

 

You are not the ONLY one who feels they "cant live without him". Good god. MANY PEOPLE lose partners after 20 years who they are deeply in love with! They live! It is BEYOND awful for them too but they get past it.

 

YOU not wanting to go through losing a person is a totally selfish reason for keeping him in the dark.

[TobyBoy]

Since both of y'all were drunk, I assume no protection was used. Now you need to get tested for stds/HIV and pregnancy.

[Smilecharmer]

As a human being he has the right to choose whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with a woman who cheated in him with her sisters bf. you seem more concerned about you than the fact you just screwed your sisters bf and cheated in your bf. Please do not marry him without telling him first. That is such a terrible thing to do and really makes women look bad.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP you aren't a bad person but your action was horrible. What you did wasn't a mistake but a bad decision.

 

I really don't think there is an easy way out but to be honest and tell them both what happened. While your bf is more than likely going to break up with you and walk away from your life forever, your sister might forgive you at some point and even be some grateful for getting rid of that loser; sisters do fight all the time. As another poster said, who knows many how other women that loser slept with. If you hide this information from your sister too then she'll be even more madder than if you tell her the truth. Blood is thicker than water after all. Since he's just her bf, I'm sure she'll talk to you soon after initially screaming at you and maybe crying a bit. It's easier than if that loser were her husband.

[mike_89]

People seem to have mistakenly interpreted my answer as an advice to keep this information to yourself and stay with your boyfriend.

 

What I meant is that you always have the option of breaking up with him yourself without telling him that you cheated on him. It is not honest and it will not clear your guilt but your boyfriend will not be hurt as much as when you do tell him you cheated on him. I have been cheated on by a girl and I would have greatly preferred her just breaking up with me without ever telling me, it really harmed me when she told me.

[Leigh 87]

I am sorry if I sounded harsh.

 

Look, I would be FURIOUS if I was dating a cheater UNKNOWINGLY.

 

If a guy came clean to me, I would not be all psycho; I would be civil and polite. I would thank them for informing me, and allowing me to then go on to find a man who wouldn't cheat on me. However, if I found out AFTER the fact, YEARS down the track that I had been TRICKED into marrying a cheater?

 

I would be.... way more than just "furious". I don't anger easily in real life.

 

Years of my prime with a man who cheated on me without confessing would be 1000000 times worse to me than finding out about him cheating and leaving him immediately. If you truly care about your boyfriend more than you care about yourself (in other words, if you truly love him), you will confess because it is in HIS best interest. Do you care about yourself more than your partner? Great, don't tell him and be a total skank:D OR, do you truly love your boyfriend like you claim to? IF so, you should put HIS needs before your own needs.

 

Lastly, the foundation of a loving relationship is SO much stronger if NO cheating is involved. OP, YOU would be happier long term if you told this guy, and then went on to find a man you DID NOT cheat on. YOU would be happier finding a new guy who you never cheat on, long term you will be MUCH happier......

[cupic]

You may wish to consider the consequence if your sister's BF comes clean before you do. I am sure that He is also feeling guilty over what happened. Maybe he has better moral judgement than you do (not by much), but if he admits to your sister first, who is going to look like the bigger bad guy? At least by coming forward first, you can tell your story from your point of view (take that as he came on to you, its his fault, play the victim, whatever. Or actually own up to what happened- you got drunk and horny and screwed around).

 

Point is, your sister will find out eventually, and so will your BF. So better to come clean now. You're in damage control mode, waiting will only make things worse.

[drifter777]

If you got with some random guy this would be a much different decision. I would probably even advise that you not tell him because of the horrible pain you will cause him. The problem is your one night fu*k-buddy is feeling guilt and wants to tell your sister. He told you he wouldn't do it unless it was ok with you, but that is likely to change. I would just assume he's going to tell her and try to get out in front of it. Maybe you could tell her together - not sure. However you tell her it's going to be bad - really bad. But if you quit drinking (AA?) and start counseling she might be able to forgive you some day. Then you are going to have to tell your boyfriend if you want to have any chance to reconcile with him. If I was him I'd walk away because who needs all this drama when you aren't married, but maybe he'll be stupid - I mean different.

 

Screwing your sisters boyfriend is horrible thing to do. You climbed on top of him and rode for a while so don't try to play the "I couldn't stop him" card. He'll tell your sister how it went down and the facts can make it ever worse for you. You have been trapped in a corner by a really selfish, immature decision. Time to pay the piper.

[No Limit]

mike_89, thank you for your answer...What you say is true, confessing would only ease my guilt. That is the only good that would come out of it. And in that case, I don't think it's worth it.

 

OP, your very first reply to your own thread already hints what you're going to do - hide. The way I see it you only posted to have at least one place where you're able to get some steam off.

 

Well, have fun. It's clear that at least something in you is still working correctly (for now) if you're at least feeling guilty.