Cheated on my boyfriend, betraying my closest sister in the process

[Davey L]

A lot of the answers given here are about whether you should tell your boyfriend or not. I'm not really in a position to advise you here, I am in a very similar dilemma here about whether to tell my wife about my affair with her sister. However, I would point out that the way the man is behaving the truth is likely to come out sooner or later anyway. If you think that is a possibility, then you absolutely must tell your boyfriend yourself, do not let him hear it from someone else (e.g. your sister or your sister's boyfriend). You at least have a chance of continuing with your boyfriend if you tell him yourself.

 

 

Also you absolutely must cease living with your sister while she has her boyfriend there.

 

 

 

 

I don't know how your relationship is with your boyfriend. But if I were him, and you told me openly and honestly, moved out of your sister's house, stayed away from the man, and showed you were truly sorry, I think I would probably continue the relationship if it was a good one. But if I heard it secondhand, and you lied or concealed the truth, I would walk away. Of course, that's just me, your boyfriend is not me.

[CompleteIdiot]

So you are going to selfishly keep this from your sister and your bf?

 

Im sorry but you are a terrible person, and I hope your relationship fails. I would dump you immediately even if I found out a few years later. It would only be much worse then, because you hoodwinked me into continuing a relationship based on lies.

 

And Id definitely disown a brother if he slept with my gf and then kept it from me. Go ahead and keep thinking just about yourself OP. Meanwhile your sisters bf will likely go off and cheat on her again...and your boyfriend gets to live a lie of a relationship.

 

Everyones happy

The thing is...my sister and her boyfriend are breaking up next month for good. They have been planning to travel to different parts of the world for quite a few months now, knowing that they would break up and maybe never see each other again.

 

She is so excited to travel, has such a positive attitude right now, that I just can't bring myself to dump this information on her right before she leaves ( which is in about 1.5 weeks). It's information that will weigh her down. It'll only be a burden. If they are breaking up anyway, then what the hell is the point of that?

 

I'm getting therapy for all of this next week. And I plan to break up with my boyfriend without telling him what I did. I realise I don't deserve him. I realise I need to work on myself. Maybe I'm a coward, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I can work on my cowardice later without hurting someone in the process.

[CompleteIdiot]

A lot of the answers given here are about whether you should tell your boyfriend or not. I'm not really in a position to advise you here, I am in a very similar dilemma here about whether to tell my wife about my affair with her sister. However, I would point out that the way the man is behaving the truth is likely to come out sooner or later anyway. If you think that is a possibility, then you absolutely must tell your boyfriend yourself, do not let him hear it from someone else (e.g. your sister or your sister's boyfriend). You at least have a chance of continuing with your boyfriend if you tell him yourself.

 

 

Also you absolutely must cease living with your sister while she has her boyfriend there.

 

 

 

 

I don't know how your relationship is with your boyfriend. But if I were him, and you told me openly and honestly, moved out of your sister's house, stayed away from the man, and showed you were truly sorry, I think I would probably continue the relationship if it was a good one. But if I heard it secondhand, and you lied or concealed the truth, I would walk away. Of course, that's just me, your boyfriend is not me.

Thanks so much for your advice. Well from my experience of being betrayed (not as badly) before in the past by this same sister when we were much younger, I know how hard it was to overcome, and how long it took (about a year and a half) for my sister to regain my trust. What happened was, I came home early to find her fooling around with my then boyfriend (I was about 15 years old) behind my back. If I had had the option, I would have never found out what she did, because it only plagued a year of my life with horrible thoughts and feelings. Not to mention made me insecure and paranoid in my next relationships.

 

I'm obviously older and more mature now. But I still have the same feeling about cheating. If I were cheated on by someone I loved, and we were completely happy in our relationship, I would not want to know! I really wouldn't. It seems to me just useless information of the past that will not help anyone or anything. I know my boyfriend probably doesn't have the same idea about it, and that's why I should tell him. But I just can't do it. I can't break a person like that. I keep thinking about it, all day, and I just keep coming back to the same conclusion- it's so selfish.

 

Anyway, I hope you find the right thing to do in your situation. I know it must be different if you are married to the person you cheated on. You can't just break up and move on.

[crederer]

I haven't read the responses but when I was in high school I went through almost the exact same thing but the genders were all reversed.

 

My brother's gf and I had sex in a drunken fling. We both felt bad about it and talked about how we were going to proceed. We both decided it was best to tell him the truth.

 

He was super pissed at me and rightfully so. He eventually forgave me but it took a while and I'm pretty certain he hasn't forgiven me 100% (every now and then he'll make some comment that I think is referring to that situation but I don't know for certain).

 

Anyway, he deserved to know. He found out. They stayed together for a bit but broke up as she was always making excuses for why she kept cheating with randoms. High school, man. We were all idiots.

 

Edit: and at the time I was dating her best friend. I broke up with her immediately for a variety of reasons, all having to do with me.

[Trep]

Thanks so much for your advice. Well from my experience of being betrayed (not as badly) before in the past by this same sister when we were much younger, I know how hard it was to overcome, and how long it took (about a year and a half) for my sister to regain my trust. What happened was, I came home early to find her fooling around with my then boyfriend (I was about 15 years old) behind my back. If I had had the option, I would have never found out what she did, because it only plagued a year of my life with horrible thoughts and feelings. Not to mention made me insecure and paranoid in my next relationships.

 

I'm obviously older and more mature now. But I still have the same feeling about cheating. If I were cheated on by someone I loved, and we were completely happy in our relationship, I would not want to know! I really wouldn't. It seems to me just useless information of the past that will not help anyone or anything. I know my boyfriend probably doesn't have the same idea about it, and that's why I should tell him. But I just can't do it. I can't break a person like that. I keep thinking about it, all day, and I just keep coming back to the same conclusion- it's so selfish.

 

Anyway, I hope you find the right thing to do in your situation. I know it must be different if you are married to the person you cheated on. You can't just break up and move on.

 

Rationalise it however you want, the bottom line is you're being selfish by keeping it from him. You're not doing it to protect him, you're doing it to protect yourself. You just refuse to admit it.

[veggirl]

Thanks so much for your advice. Well from my experience of being betrayed (not as badly) before in the past by this same sister when we were much younger, I know how hard it was to overcome, and how long it took (about a year and a half) for my sister to regain my trust. What happened was, I came home early to find her fooling around with my then boyfriend (I was about 15 years old) behind my back. If I had had the option, I would have never found out what she did, because it only plagued a year of my life with horrible thoughts and feelings. Not to mention made me insecure and paranoid in my next relationships.

 

I'm obviously older and more mature now. But I still have the same feeling about cheating. If I were cheated on by someone I loved, and we were completely happy in our relationship, I would not want to know! I really wouldn't. It seems to me just useless information of the past that will not help anyone or anything. I know my boyfriend probably doesn't have the same idea about it, and that's why I should tell him. But I just can't do it. I can't break a person like that. I keep thinking about it, all day, and I just keep coming back to the same conclusion- it's so selfish.

 

Anyway, I hope you find the right thing to do in your situation. I know it must be different if you are married to the person you cheated on. You can't just break up and move on.

 

WTH is wrong with you and your sister?! You've both screwed around w each others boyfriends?? Did your parents cheat on each other a lot or something? This is sooo not normal behavior, I can't even IMAGINE looking at my sister's SO as anything but a brother, I mean are you serious..?

[dragon_fly_7]

WTH is wrong with you and your sister?! You've both screwed around w each others boyfriends?? Did your parents cheat on each other a lot or something? This is sooo not normal behavior, I can't even IMAGINE looking at my sister's SO as anything but a brother, I mean are you serious..?

Yeah with that new revelation from the OP, all I could think is ''Damn, those sister either hate each other and there have always been sibling rivalry''.

 

Now, I see the OP's sister in a different way.

[harrybrown]

If you did stay with your boyfriend and never told him, you would build a wall to protect your secret. Your relationship would suffer.

 

I guess you are going to break up with this man that you love so much.

 

Maybe that is best, but he does not have a choice in the relationship.

Do you want to let him decide?

[bubbaganoosh]

The thing is...my sister and her boyfriend are breaking up next month for good. They have been planning to travel to different parts of the world for quite a few months now, knowing that they would break up and maybe never see each other again.

 

She is so excited to travel, has such a positive attitude right now, that I just can't bring myself to dump this information on her right before she leaves ( which is in about 1.5 weeks). It's information that will weigh her down. It'll only be a burden. If they are breaking up anyway, then what the hell is the point of that?

 

I'm getting therapy for all of this next week. And I plan to break up with my boyfriend without telling him what I did. I realise I don't deserve him. I realise I need to work on myself. Maybe I'm a coward, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I can work on my cowardice later without hurting someone in the process.

 

 

I hope you do it soon. Honest to God, how many of these stories have been posted. Girl gets drunk. Girl gets laid. Girl feels $h!tty. Girl says the sex was bad. Girls said she couldn't stop the guy and it happened.

 

Here's one that I hope you think about. Girl can't handle her booze. Girl should drink ginger ale before she screws up another guys life and yes for anyone thinking I'm bashing women, you can replace girl with guy too. Girl should also have respect for family members too.

[kaylan]

Rationalise it however you want, the bottom line is you're being selfish by keeping it from him. You're not doing it to protect him, you're doing it to protect yourself. You just refuse to admit it.

THIS.

 

OP, just because YOU wouldnt want to know that youve been cheated on DOES NOT mean your boyfriend or sister would not want to know either.

 

Grow up.

[aliveagain]

I don't want to play the victim here. I can't call it rape. I know there are things I could have done to stop what happened. I could have pushed him off of me. Or better yet, I could have told him to leave my room as he kissed me. I was seduced, I didn't have the will power to say no. And that is my fault. I have to live with that regret.

Please don't tell me I don't love him though...I really honestly do. If I didn't love him, I would not fear losing him this much. And I would tell him what happened. It's not so easy when you have planned to spend your life together.

 

You were as into the sex as much as your sisters boyfriend was, you were totally involved and an active participant, own it. If you love your boyfriend so much why are you planning to break up with him(post 30)? You are not who you think you are, your self image doesn't match your reality. You can lie to your sister and your boyfriend but you will always be that woman that banged her sisters boyfriend regardless if they stay together or not. Honesty will save your soul, honesty to yourself and those that are important in your life.

Edited May 6, 2014 by aliveagain

[crederer]

I saw this exact same post basically word for word on a troll board, the name of which I'm to embarrassed to admit that I frequent. Just so everyone knows.

 

Assuming this is real, everyone is going to find out sooner or later.

[TheWalkingMan]

Your boyfriend still deserves to know what happened, you have no right to keep this from him.

[dragon_fly_7]

I saw this exact same post basically word for word on a troll board, the name of which I'm to embarrassed to admit that I frequent. Just so everyone knows.

 

Assuming this is real, everyone is going to find out sooner or later.

I have to agree with this. The OP's cheating isn't even a secret nor discreet from the start. It's would be a difference if she were cheating with someone no one knows.

 

I have the feeling the news will be spread out quickly before she even wants to confess to her bf. And since her sister's bf is a guy of low morals, what can be expected from him? He's probably going to brag to others and it will be the OP's reputation ruined mainly, not the guy.

 

OP is in trouble and has to face the music. Even if she decides to break up without telling her bf (I suppose ex bf by then), there is no hiding that. He's going to find out either way.

 

Cheating is always wrong but for argument's sake, if you want to have low values, of out so many guys to cheat, why make it so obvious and do it with your sister's bf?

[CompleteIdiot]

Well I told my boyfriend...everything...it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was so wrong to think that confessing would be some sort of a catharsis...so very wrong. I feel worse than ever. Knowing the pain I have caused him. Luckily, though, he wants to work things through with me. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same, it'll be very different. I'm just glad it still exists.

 

To anyone who is battling with the dilemma of whether or not to confess...I advise you to do it. Always. Tell the truth. For your own soul, and your own well being. Don't live with guilt for the rest of your lives because of one mistake you made. It's not worth it! I realised confessing was the only way I was going to move forward and heal from it. Whether or not you will have your partner by your side to heal with is the scary, unknown part. So prepare yourself for both.

 

I also just want to say, maybe everyone on this site could try being a little less of a judgmental a**hole to people who post things like this. Otherwise, rather don't even advise them at all. I came on here to ask for your help, not for your disapproval. **** all of you. Enjoy your lives. Goodbye.

[Justanaverageguy]

I also just want to say, maybe everyone on this site could try being a little less of a judgmental a**hole to people who post things like this. Otherwise, rather don't even advise them at all. I came on here to ask for your help, not for your disapproval. **** all of you. Enjoy your lives. Goodbye.

 

I've read through the thread and there was definitely some strong opinions ... but what did you honestly expect ? This is one of the most horrible things I have read - peoples reactions are in line with that.

 

It sounds like maybe you were just posting this as you were hoping for some silver bullet solution to your dilemma and maybe for the community to give you a pat on the back and tell you everything would be ok. Unfortunately with Betrayal of a partner and a sister there is no easy solution and no free pass.

 

The only answer is to stand up and deal with the consequences of your actions and understand whatever the outcome - it is your doing. If what you have written above is true then I commend you for doing that. Consider it a hard life lesson learned and strive to ensure you learn from it and do not make the same mistakes again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've read through the thread and there was definitely some strong opinions ... but what did you honestly expect ? This is one of the most horrible things I have read - peoples reactions are in line with that.

 

It sounds like maybe you were just posting this as you were hoping for some silver bullet solution to your dilemma and maybe for the community to give you a pat on the back and tell you everything would be ok. Unfortunately with Betrayal of a partner and a sister there is no easy solution and no free pass.

The only answer is to stand up and deal with the consequences of your actions and understand whatever the outcome - it is your doing. If what you have written above is true then I commend you for doing that. Consider it a hard life lesson learned and strive to ensure you learn from it and do not make the same mistakes again.

 

Agreed. OP, I don't know what sort of reaction you anticipated. You know that your actions were awful; you are now dealing with the fall-out. You created this mess along with the other guy. People are going to judge you and him, and there's not a heck of a lot you can do about it. It's how you deal with it that will be your measure of growth. Telling a bunch of people from whom you solicited advice to eff off isn't exactly a great start. Hopefully you will learn from this experience.

[veggirl]

does your sister know?

[beach]

Glad you were honest and glad you have the chance to work it out.

 

What was his reaction?

 

What was your sister's reaction?

[salparadise]

I was so wrong to think that confessing would be some sort of a catharsis...so very wrong. I feel worse than ever. Knowing the pain I have caused him.

 

You say this and then go on to say, "To anyone who is battling with the dilemma of whether or not to confess...I advise you to do it. Always."

 

So, what exactly did you accomplish? Lightened your burden did ya? What about your sister? Are you going to make the same magnanimous gesture for her benefit?

[TheWalkingDead]

"I just got liquored up and screwed my sisters boyfriend, while cheating on my boyfriend, and I'm not going to tell anyone because I'm the most important person in the world"

 

"Why does everyone have to be such judgmental ______?"

 

Uhhhhhhhh......

[KaliLove]

Well I told my boyfriend...everything...it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was so wrong to think that confessing would be some sort of a catharsis...so very wrong. I feel worse than ever. Knowing the pain I have caused him. Luckily, though, he wants to work things through with me. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same, it'll be very different. I'm just glad it still exists.

 

To anyone who is battling with the dilemma of whether or not to confess...I advise you to do it. Always. Tell the truth. For your own soul, and your own well being. Don't live with guilt for the rest of your lives because of one mistake you made. It's not worth it! I realised confessing was the only way I was going to move forward and heal from it. Whether or not you will have your partner by your side to heal with is the scary, unknown part. So prepare yourself for both.

 

I also just want to say, maybe everyone on this site could try being a little less of a judgmental a**hole to people who post things like this. Otherwise, rather don't even advise them at all. I came on here to ask for your help, not for your disapproval. **** all of you. Enjoy your lives. Goodbye.

 

So..you only confessed for yourself? To make yourself feel better? Not because it was the right thing to do, to give your boyfriend all the facts before you trapped him into a marriage that he may not have wanted to be in after he found out that you cheated on him?

 

That right there..that's why people are being harsh. You're not thinking of anyone but yourself. You don't even mention how your boyfriend took it, or even whether or not you're still together, nor do you mention your sister. That doesn't seem to be important to you at all. The only thing you seem concerned about is relieving your guilty conscience.

 

What about the people you hurt? Don't you care at all about them?

[tough love]

I am sorry if I sounded harsh.

 

Look, I would be FURIOUS if I was dating a cheater UNKNOWINGLY.

 

If a guy came clean to me, I would not be all psycho; I would be civil and polite. I would thank them for informing me, and allowing me to then go on to find a man who wouldn't cheat on me. However, if I found out AFTER the fact, YEARS down the track that I had been TRICKED into marrying a cheater?

 

I would be.... way more than just "furious". I don't anger easily in real life.

 

Years of my prime with a man who cheated on me without confessing would be 1000000 times worse to me than finding out about him cheating and leaving him immediately. If you truly care about your boyfriend more than you care about yourself (in other words, if you truly love him), you will confess because it is in HIS best interest. Do you care about yourself more than your partner? Great, don't tell him and be a total skank:D OR, do you truly love your boyfriend like you claim to? IF so, you should put HIS needs before your own needs.

 

Lastly, the foundation of a loving relationship is SO much stronger if NO cheating is involved. OP, YOU would be happier long term if you told this guy, and then went on to find a man you DID NOT cheat on. YOU would be happier finding a new guy who you never cheat on, long term you will be MUCH happier......

 

You couldn't have said it better. I am in exactly the situation you describe. I found out two years ago that my wife cheated on me early in our dating relationship but blatantly lied when I was suspicious back then. I found out 21 years about that and many other lies. It isn't so much her ONS but the fact that she could lie to me and care so little about what I wanted (an honest relationship) and my right t make an informed choice. The foundation of our relationship was built on lies. We are working on getting past it 2 years later and there are still days that are really hard.

 

OP, tell your boyfriend and sister. It is the ONLY right thing to do.