dixiepix Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Haven't been on for sometime...thought my porn issue was taken care. In fact my husband told me he hadn't looked at it in about a year. Anyway, haphazardly it found me today, as usual. I am so tired of te lies. I am so tired of the abscense of sexual intimacy. I am just tired of it all. We have two children together 3 1/2yrs. and 8mos. I am tired of the lies. Our sexual relationship/intamacy blow. Normally, he is too intoxicated to do more than make it to bed. After a while one starts to think that they are the reason for the drinking and the downloading hardcore porn. He tells me everything is ok. This has been going on for at least 8 years, we've been together 10. I am tired of wanting him to want me. At this point, I'm not really sure where exactly I fit in to the picture. We rarely have sex unless I say something about "what's the problem?" Granted, we do have two young children to take care of.....I primarily take care of that. Even if he offers to help, he's passed out and snoring before I can get them taken care of. For the past 2 years, I have found the porn by mistake...I don't even want to look for it at this point. It is too much self torture. I am tired of being a slave to my feelings regarding this issue. My "inner psyche" tells me to just go and find someone to fullfill my needs of sexual intimacy....I long so much for someone to want me as much as he yearns for a new porn. Is this too much too ask? Is this even possible. I have previous threads if you know how to find them. I am in need of advise....I am broken Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiepix Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 Can this be fixed or am I just playing a game I don't know the rules to?...And if so is a useless effort? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 The problem isn't the hardcore porn and the drinking: those are the symptoms. Your relationship is suffering, that's for sure - but blaming his porn and drinking isn't going to get you anywhere. You will need to pinpoint what it is that led him there in the first place. You have some choices: give up and just accept what is going on (enabling it), get a legal separation/divorce, or make a firm choice to get to the bottom of the problems and root them out in order to repair the damage done to your marriage. You will have to make the decision to do that - he is stuck, and it sounds like this isn't something that you two can settle with a "heart to heart talk". Set up marriage counseling. If you do not want to live this way anymore, then its marriage counseling, separation or acceptance. Your counselor will help you two straighten out exactly what the problem is that is causing the symptoms that you described. Treat the illness, and the symptoms go away. Treat only the symptoms, and the illness will eventually kill you from the inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 How come you put up with this crap for 6 years THEN had kids? Doesn't seem like such a smart move. Maybe you should grab a set of balls and stand up for yourself. Because whining at him isn't going to change him. Waiting for him to all of a sudden realize "Hey, I'd RATHER sleep with you than jerk off to assf*cking on the internet" is about the dumbest thing you can do. You going to just raise those kids and shut the part of you that makes you a woman off? Deny yourself a completely fufilling relationship because you picked a loser is awful. This has been going on far longer than the kids have been there. Just because you're not being beaten and he's not sticking it in another woman doesn't mean you have to stay with someone who makes you miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiepix Posted February 8, 2005 Author Share Posted February 8, 2005 Just wanted to thank all who replied to my post. Actually, the drinking worsened once he graduated college and started his new job 6 years ago. The company would send him on these seminars/meetings with other newbies within the company that would last from a week -6wks. They were well kept while away..8 hours of class, and free food/alcohol were available for a few hours at the end of each day. Sounded to me like one big party but supposedly it was a learning thing. Anyway, once he was "seasoned" within the company, the seminars were few, but the alcohol was still needed to deal with yet another day of stress. As for the porn...I knew he viewed it back in college, but he rarely had time to do more than study. The internet has come a long way in 10 years. With the invent of Music/Video download boards....It is easily accessible. For now he has decided to work on the alcohol consuption. I have told him how I've felt many times. And truly the porn would not be a big issue if our relationship were in better repair...which I have already told him. He agrees that he drinks to the point where he doesn't have time to spend with me and rarely the kids. Says he is going to work on it...we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 Well, I want to give advice, but this one is hard. You've already asked him to stop it, and he's already promised to, but he's still looking at it. And neglecting you. It's totally unfair for a spouse to expect you to remain faithful, and expect you to only have them as your sexual partner, and then deny you sex, because they are getting off elsewhere. If he had a malfunctioning penis, or a low sex drive, then I could understand denying you sex. But to deny you sex, when he has perfectly good hard ons that he wastes on masterbation!?!? That's totally unfair. And now that I've realized it, I have a NEW argument against porn. I don't know how to help you, except to say that your complaint is completely valid. Link to post Share on other sites
GetOverYourself Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 As far as you know, CAN he sexually function with you? A guy friend once told me that he had such a "specific technique," if you will, with regards to masturbating - that it was ALMOST the only way he could do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiepix Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Yes, even with porn in the equation, he can function sexually with me, at least once a month or every 6 weeks. I believe we would have a great marriage if porn and alcohol abuse were taken out of the equation. Anyway, Monday, I have read several of your other posts. I am so sorry for the pain you feel as I know it all too well. How long have you been fighting this? I often wonder at what point "in my own mind" will enough be enough? You know...the straw that broke the camel's back. How many years will I continue to let this issue rule my marriage. But I too, like you can almost tell when he is doing it. He becomes easily agitated, usually at the kids. He just has little to say to me. He become somewhat introverted. Keep me posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 If he told you he'll work on his drinking, that's all fine and dandy, and maybe it is the underlining problem. But, if he's going to try and work on it alone, he's setting himself up for failure. Some have quit on their own, but depending on the addiction, he should seek outside help. Also, if I may suggest, you should check out Alanon. It's a great program that helps co-dependants deal with the addiction. Yours is a typical problem, and is repairable. Hang in there and continue to support him while he works on these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dixiepix Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 I do not believe that my husband is an alcoholic. I believe he has a serious drinking problem. One which he does not want to take responsibility for. Many women, when they become pregnant find that they can go 9 months without a drink or a cigarrette. Not because it makes us sick, but because, doing so could cause birth defects. If I didn't have 3 children that I know I have to take care of, I could easily consume alcohol 5 or 6 times a week. So each afternoon when my husband grabs his first drink, I consciously make a choice do I take one with him...it is easier for him to loosen up and talk about his day if I do...kind of like a mutual drunken bonding. Mostly I opt out. I have too many other responsibilies...cooking, bathing & feeding children, reading time, bed time. I choose not to drink due to my responsibility to be a wife and mother. I believe that his drinking his choice because he does choose to do it almost every day, yet does not choose to do it before or while at work for fear of consequences. Would like some feedback as, I have quit drinking 3 times to have 3 children. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Normally, he is too intoxicated to do more than make it to bed. Even if he offers to help, he's passed out and snoring before I can get them taken care of. but the alcohol was still needed to deal with yet another day of stress. it is easier for him to loosen up and talk about his day if I do...kind of like a mutual drunken bonding I do not believe that my husband is an alcoholic. Are you sure about that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts