Enough is enough!

[sparkle008]

I finally had it and let my MM know it. It was going to be 2 years this August and we have been talking about divorcing our spouses to be together. He has all the papers in the courthouse, just waiting to be filed. So why doesn't he just file them you ask? Because she has not said the specific words "file the papers". She has said everything but that. Oh wait, she has said them a month before this but that didn't count because the papers were not "ready" to be filed. What bullcrap!

 

So at first I told my MM I will not see him until the papers were filed. I didn't want to be a distraction to him filing. Then, yesterday, I said to him "forget this. I'm tired of all the excuses. Call me when you file them and not before." He couldn't believe I don't want to talk to him until he files.

 

I have to do this for me. I don't want to hear any more excuses, any more of anything. So I'm just trying to get through this and be strong. Any advice? I'm glad I did this because I feel stronger but it still makes me a little sad.

[imperfectangel]

are you divorced yet? if not maybe he's waiting for you to file first?

[PachucaSunrise]

Stick to your guns and do this for YOU. I've realized that being as strong as humanly possible is the ONLY way to go.

 

It's certainly not going to be easy, and of course you're going to feel somewhat sad (I'm sure I would as well), but as you said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

 

Keep your head up, follow through with your words, and most importantly, respect yourself enough to REFUSE to settle for continued excuses. You will thank yourself for doing so, I can almost guarantee it.

 

Stay STRONG!!

[stillafool]

Why hasn't he filed yet if the papers are at the courthouse? Have you filed for your divorce yet?

[sparkle008]

Stick to your guns and do this for YOU. I've realized that being as strong as humanly possible is the ONLY way to go.

 

It's certainly not going to be easy, and of course you're going to feel somewhat sad (I'm sure I would as well), but as you said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

 

Keep your head up, follow through with your words, and most importantly, respect yourself enough to REFUSE to settle for continued excuses. You will thank yourself for doing so, I can almost guarantee it.

 

Stay STRONG!!

 

Thank you Pachuca! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I know this will be tough at times.

 

Stillafool, great question! I know! He hasn't filed yet because she hasn't said the exact words "go file". I said a little bit about this in my post. I told him this was frigging ridiculous! He said he has to feel it in his gut to file and that's when I said forget this, call me when you file.

 

I have not filed yet because he should file first since he's prone to bullcrap. Then I will file and I don't foresee it becoming a problem for me.

 

I will take this day by day. Communication is key to him and I know he will not like this one bit not being able to talk to me but I have to do this for me.

[imperfectangel]

it's a bit rich having a go at him for not divorcing when you haven't even done it yourself

 

I feel v bad for the bs's in this situation and I'm a OW!

[whichwayisup]

So you won't file first, you'd rather use your husband, keep him in the dark, stay married that way if your MM doesn't file after all, you'll have a marriage and a husband still intact...

 

If your MM truly wanted to file, he would. He would not leave it up to his wife to file first. If you and your MM are planning a life together and want to marry, then you both would move heaven and earth quickly and as painlessly as possible to be together. To prolong this just gives you both an 'out'. Seems he is waiting and you waiting..

 

Why does he need his wife to say go file? Why can't he file himself? Oh wait I know, he wants her to do it first so he isn't the bad guy and wont' get screwed in court and their divorce.

[QuakerOats]

How does your ultimatum make sense if you yourself are married?? Why do you even care if he divorces if you already find him unreliable?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Games. Stupid ridiculous games. High school.

 

People in real mature, respectful and enduring relationships donot play games with each other.

 

You already know hes full of crap...obviously he doesnt trust you either, or he would file....yet you want to leave you marriage for that??

 

Good luck. Youre going to need it.

Edited April 27, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[beach]

Being that much further from any action that might change it is just an excuse.

 

You want divorced - then gt divorced.

 

You waiting on him and he's waiting on her = is so far removed from any action that may change it.

 

It leaves you still handing HIS WIFE all YOUR power.

 

Either you do it or you don't.

 

Only look at YOUR actions - he may never file.

[sparkle008]

So you won't file first, you'd rather use your husband, keep him in the dark, stay married that way if your MM doesn't file after all, you'll have a marriage and a husband still intact...

 

If your MM truly wanted to file, he would. He would not leave it up to his wife to file first. If you and your MM are planning a life together and want to marry, then you both would move heaven and earth quickly and as painlessly as possible to be together. To prolong this just gives you both an 'out'. Seems he is waiting and you waiting..

 

Why does he need his wife to say go file? Why can't he file himself? Oh wait I know, he wants her to do it first so he isn't the bad guy and wont' get screwed in court and their divorce.

 

WWIU, mu husband is far from in the dark about our divorce and I'll leave it at that.

 

This is about my MM and what I did the other night. The second part of your post is dead on. Why can't he file himself? I have not a clue and this is the problem. And this is what I'm sick of and why I said what I said. And believe me, no one would think he's the bad guy since his wife abuses him. So don't feel sorry for the BS at all. I'm the idiot here and I finally realize it.

 

And That'sJust is correct - stupid games and that's what I told him. And that's why I ended it this way. If he wants her 24/7, he can have her.

[DKT3]

If you filing isn't an issue why have you not done it? This qiestion has been asked and you avoid it.

 

Secondly, how is this not about your husband?

 

Last, I love the saying "worse thing about getting involved with a liar and a cheater is that your involved with a lair and a cheater" now your shocked that he is doing this?

[veryhappy]

That is ridiculous. Everyone jumping on her for bout divorcing herself. If that story hasn't been told time and time again. The woman divorces and the man doesn't. Maybe she prefers to stay married if he doesn't for all the miriad of reasons that are endearing in a cheating man staying.

 

OP, a man who is waiting for the wife to pull the trigger will not follow through. If he's like most he'll wiggle his tail and do all the tricks at the slightest show of whatever was lacking. He is waiting on her. That's not your man. That's her man.

 

Run and do not look back and focus on your life and your m because he's a dead end. Been there, done that, haven't heard from the happy rekindled prince charming in more than a year. Big love goes poof when the wife finally kisses the froggy to keep the pond happy.

[sparkle008]

That is ridiculous. Everyone jumping on her for bout divorcing herself. If that story hasn't been told time and time again. The woman divorces and the man doesn't. Maybe she prefers to stay married if he doesn't for all the miriad of reasons that are endearing in a cheating man staying.

 

OP, a man who is waiting for the wife to pull the trigger will not follow through. If he's like most he'll wiggle his tail and do all the tricks at the slightest show of whatever was lacking. He is waiting on her. That's not your man. That's her man.

 

Run and do not look back and focus on your life and your m because he's a dead end. Been there, done that, haven't heard from the happy rekindled prince charming in more than a year. Big love goes poof when the wife finally kisses the froggy to keep the pond happy.

 

All I can say is THANK YOU!!

[DKT3]

That is ridiculous. Everyone jumping on her for bout divorcing herself. If that story hasn't been told time and time again. The woman divorces and the man doesn't. Maybe she prefers to stay married if he doesn't for all the miriad of reasons that are endearing in a cheating man staying.

 

OP, a man who is waiting for the wife to pull the trigger will not follow through. If he's like most he'll wiggle his tail and do all the tricks at the slightest show of whatever was lacking. He is waiting on her. That's not your man. That's her man.

 

Run and do not look back and focus on your life and your m because he's a dead end. Been there, done that, haven't heard from the happy rekindled prince charming in more than a year. Big love goes poof when the wife finally kisses the froggy to keep the pond happy.

Why? Why?

 

If she is so ready to leave for another man then why stay married? So she can continue to use her husband?

 

In my opinion its all a game. Show me you love me by leaving your wife, pick me.

 

He isn't going to leave and she knows it, she has likely always known it. So now her husband gets the grand prize of a woman that was ready to drop him at a moments notice for a guy that is at best a cheating coward. Lucky man.

[sunburned]

And are you waiting on your husband to say "go file" too?

I also don't understand how papers can be at a courthouse but not filed. Is there a special box for those who aren't sure? I mean that question sincerely. Most courts are so overwhelmed, I didn't envision them as having room for limbo cases, but I haven't been through a divorce.

[eye of the storm]

You cant be angry for someone not doing something you haven't/won't do.

 

If you are planning to divorce, do it. This is not about him, it is about you. If you no longer want to be married to your BS, divorce him and let him find someone else. That frees you to also find someone else.

 

Like many other posters have said, this is all game play. You are trying to make your AP sound like a bad guy for doing the same thing you are doing.

 

You got involved with a MM. So you already knew he was willing and able to lie, cheat and do what ever he had to do to keep a secret. (just like you are) Are you maybe angry that he is a reflection of you? That he is not willing to pull the trigger and file, just like you. That he is stringing his BS along, just like you. That you don't matter as much to him as a peaceful intact home, just like you are not willing to mess up your house incase he changes his mind?

 

He is whatever he is, good/bad/both. This needs to be about you. What are your choices? Do you enjoy knowing that your life and future are being decided by someone else? If you don't, then make the decisions for yourself that will make you happy. You cannot control other people, they come, they go. And the only thing you can control is your behavior.

[sparkle008]

You cant be angry for someone not doing something you haven't/won't do.

 

If you are planning to divorce, do it. This is not about him, it is about you. If you no longer want to be married to your BS, divorce him and let him find someone else. That frees you to also find someone else.

 

Like many other posters have said, this is all game play. You are trying to make your AP sound like a bad guy for doing the same thing you are doing.

 

You got involved with a MM. So you already knew he was willing and able to lie, cheat and do what ever he had to do to keep a secret. (just like you are) Are you maybe angry that he is a reflection of you? That he is not willing to pull the trigger and file, just like you. That he is stringing his BS along, just like you. That you don't matter as much to him as a peaceful intact home, just like you are not willing to mess up your house incase he changes his mind?

 

He is whatever he is, good/bad/both. This needs to be about you. What are your choices? Do you enjoy knowing that your life and future are being decided by someone else? If you don't, then make the decisions for yourself that will make you happy. You cannot control other people, they come, they go. And the only thing you can control is your behavior.

 

You're right. It is about me now and that's what I did what I did. I needed a break from all the bullcrap and I told him to call me when he files and not before.

 

All I know is this - I woke up this morning feeling great (lighter, more at ease). I don't have to hear about all the crap between him and his wife, him promising me something and him not doing it. Let HIM hear and deal with her. And, who knows where I will be in my life, when and if I hear from him. I'm certainly not putting my life on hold waiting for a phone call.

 

So my point is, whether I do something about my divorce now or not, I don't have to deal with him and the roller coaster ride right now. And that's a great way to feel right now.

[EnderA]

I'm certainly not putting my life on hold waiting for a phone call.

 

It sounds like you are waiting. Specifically, you're going to wait for that call where he tells you that he's finally divorced.

 

This seems to be a fundamental problem I see in a lot of NC cases. The old, "don't talk to me until you are divorced!" gambit that keeps you hoping and hanging on. The reality is that every MM that drags that feet isn't going to come around and even if they do, EVEN IF THEY DO, the best you're going to get is a lying, cheating man that used you like a paper towel.

 

Is that really your dream man? Is that really the person that you see spending your life with? Are you not more valuable than that?

[sparkle008]

It sounds like you are waiting. Specifically, you're going to wait for that call where he tells you that he's finally divorced.

 

This seems to be a fundamental problem I see in a lot of NC cases. The old, "don't talk to me until you are divorced!" gambit that keeps you hoping and hanging on. The reality is that every MM that drags that feet isn't going to come around and even if they do, EVEN IF THEY DO, the best you're going to get is a lying, cheating man that used you like a paper towel.

 

Is that really your dream man? Is that really the person that you see spending your life with? Are you not more valuable than that?

 

The way I see it, the phone call will probably never come so I'm in a win-win situation. I don't have to hear about the crap anymore, and I'm already feeling better.

 

And at this point, no, he's not my dream man. I'm moving forward for me now.

[stillafool]

The way I see it, the phone call will probably never come so I'm in a win-win situation. I don't have to hear about the crap anymore, and I'm already feeling better.

 

And at this point, no, he's not my dream man. I'm moving forward for me now.

 

Does this mean you are now going to file for a divorce and go off on your own?

[whichwayisup]

The way I see it, the phone call will probably never come so I'm in a win-win situation. I don't have to hear about the crap anymore, and I'm already feeling better.

 

And at this point, no, he's not my dream man. I'm moving forward for me now.

 

A win win for you? Because now you don't have to divorce, you stay married and go on faking a marriage with your husband? Or do you set yourself free so your H can find someone else who loves only him, and you can be on your own to do as you please.

[sparkle008]

A win win for you? Because now you don't have to divorce, you stay married and go on faking a marriage with your husband? Or do you set yourself free so your H can find someone else who loves only him, and you can be on your own to do as you please.

 

Right now, I'm not doing anything. I'm enjoying the breather I have not worrying about the bullcrap. When you're not sure of doing something, you stop and do nothing until you figure it out.

 

Right now, I'm just enjoying the feeling. One thing at a time but I appreciate all the comments and suggestions.

 

The main thing is...I was sick of dealing with my MM's words to me and I did something. And that something made me feel good.

[QuakerOats]

Well, that is a relief. Glad you feel better. Wonder is your spouses will ever find out.

[veryhappy]

It sounds like you are waiting. Specifically, you're going to wait for that call where he tells you that he's finally divorced.

 

This seems to be a fundamental problem I see in a lot of NC cases. The old, "don't talk to me until you are divorced!" gambit that keeps you hoping and hanging on. The reality is that every MM that drags that feet isn't going to come around and even if they do, EVEN IF THEY DO, the best you're going to get is a lying, cheating man that used you like a paper towel.

 

Is that really your dream man? Is that really the person that you see spending your life with? Are you not more valuable than that?

 

That's the samrquestion that should be asked to a reconciling BS. The answer as in those blissful reconciliations is yes. If the guy has his heart in it, if he goes to counseling, if he wants to make it work, if he genuinely figures out why he cheated and how and why not to do it again, why not? We as OW and MOW loved them enough to want yo go through that, deal with the baggage and build a life together. Nobody belived it would be easy, but it is doable. The problem is when the other AP would just keep status quo and would do it forever to the cost of everyone else.

 

The answer is YES, we would have taken that cheating man pretty much under the same conditions a BS would. Most people have the potential to cheat in them given the opportunity. It's not an unredeemable event.