Is my breakup permanent? [update]

[lovesfool]

Hi. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I could sense problems for a while beforehand. He wasn't contacting me as much. He didn't really want to do anything like go for dinner or out to a bar. I pressed him about this and he said that he was very busy. His job is very demanding, but on top of that he decided to do an academic course outside of work which requires a lot of study. There also was little to no sex life or intimacy (not that we didn't want to be intimate, just some obstacles that couldn't be avoided and I would rather not discuss).

 

I continued to pressure him about him not being available until one day he was finally honest with me. He said that he was just too busy to be able to make a relationship work. I asked him if he wanted to take a break and to get back together once his exams are over. He was very hesitant because he is also moving abroad in a few months. He said that it would be very difficult to make a long distance relationship work and it was best to end it now to make it easier for both of us.

 

What really confused me is that he said he still really cares for me, and wants to stay in contact and be friends, but also that when he comes back from abroad that we could try to make it work again. But then he said that he doesn't want me to put my life on hold for him and if I wanted to date someone else I should.

 

Should I just give up on him? I have started to do no contact, but I am tempted to message him to see how he is. He hasn't contacted me since either (but this is because he said that he would wait for me to contact him first as he didn't want to upset me). What makes things worse is that I stupidly logged into my old dating profile online and saw that he was active again. This made me question his real motives for breaking up with me.

 

Is it foolish to believe I can win him back? I think a lot of the problems could be resolved, such as him having more time and the intimacy issues. But I'm just worried he just used the "being busy" as an excuse and that he just has fallen out of love. Should I ask him for the truth so that I am not clinging to a false hope?

[Elle1975]

Hi. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I could sense problems for a while beforehand. He wasn't contacting me as much. He didn't really want to do anything like go for dinner or out to a bar. I pressed him about this and he said that he was very busy. His job is very demanding, but on top of that he decided to do an academic course outside of work which requires a lot of study. There also was little to no sex life or intimacy (not that we didn't want to be intimate, just some obstacles that couldn't be avoided and I would rather not discuss).

 

I continued to pressure him about him not being available until one day he was finally honest with me. He said that he was just too busy to be able to make a relationship work. I asked him if he wanted to take a break and to get back together once his exams are over. He was very hesitant because he is also moving abroad in a few months. He said that it would be very difficult to make a long distance relationship work and it was best to end it now to make it easier for both of us.

 

What really confused me is that he said he still really cares for me, and wants to stay in contact and be friends, but also that when he comes back from abroad that we could try to make it work again. But then he said that he doesn't want me to put my life on hold for him and if I wanted to date someone else I should.

 

Should I just give up on him? I have started to do no contact, but I am tempted to message him to see how he is. He hasn't contacted me since either (but this is because he said that he would wait for me to contact him first as he didn't want to upset me). What makes things worse is that I stupidly logged into my old dating profile online and saw that he was active again. This made me question his real motives for breaking up with me.

 

Is it foolish to believe I can win him back? I think a lot of the problems could be resolved, such as him having more time and the intimacy issues. But I'm just worried he just used the "being busy" as an excuse and that he just has fallen out of love. Should I ask him for the truth so that I am not clinging to a false hope?

 

To be busy with work/school/etc is just an excuse indeed. I hate to say it but he's gone.

 

The truth is that he probably feel the same way anymore. He's just doesn't have the balls to say so.

 

I wouldn't contact him, no.. You will get friendzoned, for one. Second, you will hurt yourself and it will do no good to a possible reconciliation (unlikely).

[lovesfool]

To be busy with work/school/etc is just an excuse indeed. I hate to say it but he's gone.

 

The truth is that he probably feel the same way anymore. He's just doesn't have the balls to say so.

 

I wouldn't contact him, no.. You will get friendzoned, for one. Second, you will hurt yourself and it will do no good to a possible reconciliation (unlikely).

 

I'm just worried that it was the situation at the time that caused him to lose interest. Everything was great with the relationship up until he started the extra study.

 

Is it always a bad thing to get in contact with an ex?

[BC1980]

I'm just worried that it was the situation at the time that caused him to lose interest. Everything was great with the relationship up until he started the extra study.

 

Is it always a bad thing to get in contact with an ex?

 

Being busy with school/work is an excuse. Don't humiliate yourself by contacting him. When a relationship ends, you need to take it as final, so you can get on with your life. Contacting him is only going to hurt you more.

[FredJones80]

Everything was great with the relationship

 

This is in your mind though, not necessarily his. Not what you want to hear, but probably true.

 

That's not to say you caused any issues, but your opinion of everything being great might not of been his.

 

Sad but true...

[d0nnivain]

You aren't foolish but you are hurt.

 

He's trying to be kind & probably doesn't like being the source of your pain.

 

That said, no I don't think he's coming back & yes, you need to move forward as if this relationship is over permanently. Sorry

[lovesfool]

This is in your mind though, not necessarily his. Not what you want to hear, but probably true.

 

That's not to say you caused any issues, but your opinion of everything being great might not of been his.

 

Sad but true...

 

But everything was great even from his perspective, at least up until a point. I mean, he was suggesting to going on weekend breaks (which we did) right up until he started this extra study. I then started to notice him distancing himself. It felt like we were falling into a friendship towards the end. All we would do is grab a coffee a couple times a week, a few phone calls. It couldn't be avoided, but I think that is what caused the collapse of the relationship.

 

Do you think there is any recovery from this?

 

I see a lot of advice on this forum that you should just give up on your relationship once you break up. But why? I have heard of many people who broke up only to get back together and have long and meaningful relationships. Why does everyone believe you should abandon something that was so positive in your life as soon as you hit a bump in the road? It sounds very defeatist, not to mention depressing.

 

Surely it is worth at least one attempt at reconciliation before writing someone out of your life forever, no?

[FredJones80]

Sure, one last attempt is good. Make your feelings known, make it known you don't want this and then leave him to his own devices and time to think, you can't force someone to feel or do something, they have to come on their own. This is why people suggest moving on, if he wants you back, he will make it known.

 

I once read something that I liked...

 

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it."

[Elle1975]

Thats how a lot of relationships end. They slowly but surely exit our lives. They lose interest, then feed you some bs about work, school, it's not you it's me, etc...

 

The relationship is over. I don't want to hurt you. It's just obvious.

 

Now if you want to beg him and plead with him, I guarantee you that you will be back here. And don't be afraid to do so because it's a good community.

[FredJones80]

it's not you it's me

 

That reminded me, if you got that Elle have a read of this, it will make you chuckle..

 

Break-up lines deciphered: it's not you, it's me | MSN Arabia

[Survivor12]

But everything was great even from his perspective, at least up until a point. I mean, he was suggesting to going on weekend breaks (which we did) right up until he started this extra study. I then started to notice him distancing himself. It felt like we were falling into a friendship towards the end. All we would do is grab a coffee a couple times a week, a few phone calls. It couldn't be avoided, but I think that is what caused the collapse of the relationship.

 

Do you think there is any recovery from this?

 

I see a lot of advice on this forum that you should just give up on your relationship once you break up. But why? I have heard of many people who broke up only to get back together and have long and meaningful relationships. Why does everyone believe you should abandon something that was so positive in your life as soon as you hit a bump in the road? It sounds very defeatist, not to mention depressing.

 

Surely it is worth at least one attempt at reconciliation before writing someone out of your life forever, no?

 

You seem to be forgetting that it takes two to make a relationship work, and he has told you that he's out. You can't abandon the relationship because there IS no relationship.

 

Although you have made the choice to believe that he broke things off because he is busy, it is very likely (especially if he's online dating) that he had other reasons as well. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing. Honestly, it could have been something as simple as seeing an attractive stranger & realizing that he would rather be single.

 

Look at it this way, there is no good reason to put effort into a reconciliation because unless he is interested, it's not going to happen. You need to accept what he has told you, quit looking for a loophole & begin the process of moving on. If he DOES change his mind, he will let you know.

[Elle1975]

Break-up lines deciphered: it's not you, it's me | MSN Arabia

and if you were to use the 'it's not you, it's me' line, then try to add something that your partner will hate you for, for example: 'its not you, its me, I have herpes

Lol..........

[stillafool]

I'm just worried that it was the situation at the time that caused him to lose interest. Everything was great with the relationship up until he started the extra study.

 

Is it always a bad thing to get in contact with an ex?

 

Yes if you want them back. He has to be the one to miss you and then decide he made a mistake and win you back. Afterall he was the one who wanted the break and hasn't contacted you yet.

[FredJones80]

Break-up lines deciphered: it's not you, it's me | MSN Arabia

and if you were to use the 'it's not you, it's me' line, then try to add something that your partner will hate you for, for example: 'its not you, its me, I have herpes

Lol..........

 

This made me laugh the most

[lovesfool]

Yes if you want them back. He has to be the one to miss you and then decide he made a mistake and win you back. Afterall he was the one who wanted the break and hasn't contacted you yet.

 

But there's one problem with that, he broke up with me because of how it was at the end of our relationship, which I will admit, wasn't great at that time. So in his eyes, why would he want to get back with me if things haven't changed? And the reason he hasn't contacted me is because he explicitly said that he wanted me to contact him first because he knew it would be difficult for me for a while.

 

That's why I want to contact him again, to show him things can change. I am not going to go back begging for him to be with me, I am just going to be myself and if that's not good enough for him, I can safely part ways. If I don't do this I will forever regret it thinking "what if?".

 

I feel like I'm on my own with this line of thinking.

[Standard-Fare]

I think he could have legitimately felt stressed out by juggling the demands of his job, schoolwork and also the relationship with you. The fact that you're seeing him on a dating site might mean that he does want the fun of dating but NOT the pressure and demands of a committed relationship. (Particularly since he's about to head abroad, so I doubt he's looking for anything serious before he goes.)

 

But as others have said, if your relationship was worth it to him it shouldn't have felt like "work" to fit it into his life. So you need to read that as the clear negative signal it is. Same with the fact that he has encouraged you to see other people -- no guy who felt strongly about you would be able to bear the thought of that.

 

I wouldn't hold out hope for this guy. I think you're doing the right thing by maintaining no contact, as hard as it is.

[d0nnivain]

If when you two left it, the plan was that you would contact him when you are ready, go ahead & call him. At least you won't spend your life wondering should I have called him?

 

 

However since part of the reason you two broke up was that between work & school he didn't have the kind of time you were demanding, how are things going to be any better? He's still going to be busy & you are still going to be needy. While you don't have to discuss the intimacy issues with us, if they haven't resolved, there is no point in even trying.

 

 

I still don't think that you contacting him is going to change things. Closure is a myth & he is never going to have words to give your soul peace as to why the relationship ended.

 

 

If in the interim he has found somebody who's easier to be with, it's unlikely that he will want to put in the effort & work to make you happy.

[Elle1975]

If when you two left it, the plan was that you would contact him when you are ready, go ahead & call him. At least you won't spend your life wondering should I have called him?

 

 

However since part of the reason you two broke up was that between work & school he didn't have the kind of time you were demanding, how are things going to be any better? He's still going to be busy & you are still going to be needy. While you don't have to discuss the intimacy issues with us, if they haven't resolved, there is no point in even trying.

 

 

I still don't think that you contacting him is going to change things. Closure is a myth & he is never going to have words to give your soul peace as to why the relationship ended.

 

 

If in the interim he has found somebody who's easier to be with, it's unlikely that he will want to put in the effort & work to make you happy.

 

I think you need to put some distance. You are clearly very distraught and I feel your pain. Why don't you suggest you two try again when he is back? That will help ypu distance it ftom him and move on. I would personally just walk away though.

[Standard-Fare]

Why don't you suggest you two try again when he is back? That will help ypu distance it ftom him and move on.

 

The reason she shouldn't suggest this, or consider this, is that it will hold her back. She won't truly move on while he is dealing with his stuff now and then living abroad. She'll just be pining for him, hurting her chances at forming another relationship, and waiting for that magical moment when her ex is "ready for her again." And that moment could very well never arrive.

 

So it's best to treat it as a breakup and to actually work at moving on.

[lovesfool]

If when you two left it, the plan was that you would contact him when you are ready, go ahead & call him. At least you won't spend your life wondering should I have called him?

 

 

However since part of the reason you two broke up was that between work & school he didn't have the kind of time you were demanding, how are things going to be any better? He's still going to be busy & you are still going to be needy. While you don't have to discuss the intimacy issues with us, if they haven't resolved, there is no point in even trying.

 

 

I still don't think that you contacting him is going to change things. Closure is a myth & he is never going to have words to give your soul peace as to why the relationship ended.

 

 

If in the interim he has found somebody who's easier to be with, it's unlikely that he will want to put in the effort & work to make you happy.

 

Why is closure a myth? I don't have it at the moment because has left it open with the possibility of getting back together in the future. It might be the case that he just said this to ease the breaking up, but don't you think after time apart when both of us are less emotional, he will know what he really wants?

 

I had always planned to contact him again. I just needed time apart from him to think and to give him space, at least until after his exams. If even after he sees things have changed (that is, more free time and resolved the intimacy issues), and he still is not interested, I will know it is time to move on.

 

Is that delusional?

[maturityassets]

Others have said it but closure only comes from yourself and through time. When someone is stressed out they take it out on something. Usually the relationship suffers because the thing that once gave him joy now makes him feel exhausted and restricted. Sometimes people believe trying something new is the solution. Maybe giving into temptation of sleeping with others or just being single for a while. Look in all honesty you being you is not going to have him second guess his decision. Even if he does it'll last a short time until he says he can't. We see this on loveshack all the time. I'm sorry to say but he wants to explore and conquer new terrain on his own, and there isn't much you can do to change that besides move on

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Why is closure a myth? I don't have it at the moment because has left it open with the possibility of getting back together in the future. It might be the case that he just said this to ease the breaking up, but don't you think after time apart when both of us are less emotional, he will know what he really wants?

 

I had always planned to contact him again. I just needed time apart from him to think and to give him space, at least until after his exams. If even after he sees things have changed (that is, more free time and resolved the intimacy issues), and he still is not interested, I will know it is time to move on.

 

Is that delusional?

 

Yes, its VERY delusional

 

No matter the reason, he doesnt want a relationship with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Being "busy" is such a crap excuse. If you care about someone and want to see it last, you'll find ways. The fear of that person being gone from your life would be enough to see it though. He clearly didnt think that, and he left. He already knows what he wants, thats why he made the decision. It probably thought about it for a LONG time. Stuff like that just doesn't happen one day.

 

Talking to him later wont do anything other than make things worse. It's already time to move on. You hold on to this hope that has a LARGE chance of never happening.

 

Closure comes from within and not from anyone else. It comes with time and healing....something that you should be doing currently.

[KatZee]

But there's one problem with that, he broke up with me because of how it was at the end of our relationship, which I will admit, wasn't great at that time. So in his eyes, why would he want to get back with me if things haven't changed? And the reason he hasn't contacted me is because he explicitly said that he wanted me to contact him first because he knew it would be difficult for me for a while.

 

That's why I want to contact him again, to show him things can change. I am not going to go back begging for him to be with me, I am just going to be myself and if that's not good enough for him, I can safely part ways. If I don't do this I will forever regret it thinking "what if?".

 

I feel like I'm on my own with this line of thinking.

 

Honestly, he doesn't REALLY want to get back together with you. If I had a nickle for every time a guy said this to a girl he was dumping... we'll... I'd have a whole lot of nickles.

 

MY ex even said this! Actually, reading this, it was virtually word for word what my ex told me. He was so busy with work. He wanted to focus on his career, he wouldn't have time for me and it wasn't fair... but he could see us getting back together again down the line when he sorted things out in his head... but I shouldn't wait for him and if I met someone I should date that person.

 

It's a whole lot of noise and air. That's all it is.

 

I found out the truth about 5-6 weeks after he dumped me. He had met someone else. He met someone at his new job and he dumped me for her. He basically tried to put me on the back burner just in case it didn't work with her. When their "relationship" took off, he actually contacted me and was a complete and utter a.sshole. Told me there was no "us" and that I should lose his number and have a nice life. As if I had done something to him. Quite the opposite actually.

 

If he wanted to be with you... he'd be with you. That's it. No, "Oh I'm so busy" or "Oh I need to study." He WOULD make time for you. He might say something like, "I'm going to be a lot less available in the coming weeks, I have a lot going on, but I love you and don't want you to think anything is wrong with us." Or any variation of that. He wouldn't tell you, "Don't wait for me and date someone else if you meet that person." A guy so in love with you would NEVER tell you to date someone else! Men are territorial by nature, no man wants another man to have what is his.

 

He just didn't want to come off like the bad guy by dumping you. Honestly, these people are the worst, and basically most people do this. They put all the blame on themselves instead of just being honest. And it does you quite a disservice because if you didn't have this forum, you'd be sitting at home waiting for him to pick you up right where he left you.

 

He's gone. He's not coming back. Don't reach out to him. You're not his friend, and you don't WANT to be either. Delete & block. Time to move forward.

[KatZee]

That's why I want to contact him again, to show him things can change. I am not going to go back begging for him to be with me, I am just going to be myself and if that's not good enough for him, I can safely part ways. If I don't do this I will forever regret it thinking "what if?".

 

I feel like I'm on my own with this line of thinking.

 

What exactly are you going to show him?? You're not going to "change" in a matter of days/weeks. 95% of the time, if a relationship ends, and then comes together again for a successful outcome, it's because those two people went their separate ways for MONTHS, if not years, and they came back together as two entirely different people.

 

Also, someone mentioned it. Relationships take TWO to work and he's obviously not willing to stick around to help mend the relationship. I doubt it was just YOU hurting the relationship. I'm sure he had a play in it as well. He didn't say he wanted to work on it, he just bailed.

 

He doesn't want to reach out to you because he doesn't want to lead you on. That's what happens 100% of the time when dumpers message the dumpees. You will start looking into the deeper meaning of things and he doesn't want to do that to you. If YOU reach out to HIM he'll get the vibe that you're cool with being "friends."

 

The best chance to get someone back is by going complete NC. Not to punish them, not to get them back by manipulating their emotions, but truly moving on, having a full, healthy, and interesting life... WITHOUT them.

 

You miss him. I get it. You want to talk to him. You don't want him to forget you... but if you reach out, the only and I mean ONLY thing he's going to feel... is pity for you. Because it will be OBVIOUS why you're contacting him.

[Elle1975]

I was on my phone when I posted.. I call it my "little crappy phone".. I can see I misspelled a bunch. I'm sorry

 

Eh.. maybe you need to touch the fire to realize it's hot.