Is my breakup permanent? [update]

[Lifegoezon]

We all feel that way. Read the No Contact guide. It's all there. You can save the conversations to a memory stick and give them to someone you trust then delete everything so you can't pick that scab. One day you won't be interested in those old conversations.

 

Him reaching out and saying he wants to stay in touch is typical. Do you really just want to be his friend? He doesn't want to hurt you but he doesn't want to be in your life. It's hard to accept but if he did he would make it happen. He isn't doing that - he's looking for someone new because he's ready for that. You're not. Forget dating sites until you can see his profile and laugh about how he's selling himself as something you know he's not. Or if he is - you still don't care.

[stillafool]

The problem is that my ex is on this dating website as well. I see him there all the time. I think he is going on dates as well, which doesn't help my situation. I know he has seen me on there too. It seems like I just can't avoid him, even when I try to move on.

 

Your ex said he was going to be too busy to date but yet he is on the dating site getting dates with other women. Apparently he isn't as busy as he said. How can you move on and expect to avoid him when you are on the same dating site. You know he is there. People who break up with you always throw in the "let's be friends" to somehow ease the blow. They really have no intention of being friends with you. It would be too awkward when they bring the new person around. Also quit questioning the break up. Look at his actions not what was said.

[BC1980]

I just keep wondering what is going through his mind. He did say he wanted to be friends, and he did reach out and contact me before. Why would he decide not reciprocate after I contacted him? It's very confusing.

 

The biggest waste of time is to try to figure out what someone else is thinking. You have to let that go, and stop ruminating about it.

 

People say a lot of things during a breakup that they later don't hold true to. People say let's be friends all the time, and it's a nice sentiment. However, it doesn't really work in real life. The reality is that we cut contact and move on.

[lovesfool]

I decided to go on a date last night with a guy I just met. He was nice and all, but I didn't feel any connection. I thought it might help me get over my ex, but if anything it reinforced my desire to get back with him.

 

Before this, I tried to keep telling myself that my ex was wrong for me, and that it wouldn't have worked. It did help somewhat, and I did stop thinking about him a lot since. But if I was completely honest with myself, all the negatives with the relationship were really not that bad when compared with the positives, which makes it so much harder to get over him.

 

I haven't been on many dates in my lifetime, but last night I was constantly comparing the guy I met to my ex. I was thinking back to the first time we met, and the instant bond we had. I just can't imagine having that with anyone else. I don't know if it was just this guy, or if I will always be comparing dates to the times I was with my ex.

 

Is this normal? Do you ever compare new love interests with your exes?

[sumathi]

You should realize the hard fact, your boy friend does not truly love you. You should not waste your life thinking of him. Love cannot be had by discussing or by force. It should come from within. If he had truly loved you he would never have pointed out his academics as a reason for moving away from you. Just forget him and live your life. You will get a better person who truly loves you. Good luck.

[Survivor12]

The ugly truth is that he broke up with you because he didnt want to be with you.

 

Saying that he was too busy to date was the excuse he used to avoid telling you that he doesn't/no longer had feelings for you.

 

Telling you that he wanted to remain friends simply means that he didnt want you to hate him. He wanted out of the relationship and didnt want to deal with any drama. It didnt mean that he wanted to hang out with you or sustain a true friendship. He just wanted things to be amicable between you.

 

Think about it. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you. He didnt want to negotiate, explain his feelings or deal with you having an emotional meltdown so he gave you an impersonal reason and let you down as gently as he could hoping that you would accept it and let it go.

 

Instead, you sent the text. Regardless of how innocuous it was, you sent it hoping it would get you back in the door...and he knew it, so he chose to not respond. For him, the relationship is over. After trying again and again to let you know that he wanted out, he finally stepped up and told you that he wanted to break up. Now that it's over and he's out of the relationship (which wasn't easy), he is no longer obligated to explain himself or to respond to you.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that he knows how persistent you are and regardless of how you approach him or what you say, he knows your true motive is to get him back. All you will accomplish by contacting him again is to push him further away.

 

I know it hurts, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that it's over. It may take some time to get over him, but not accepting it will only prolong your pain and delay your recovery.

 

As for dating, of course it's normal to compare everyone to your ex at this point. You haven't even let go! It is way to early...

[lovesfool]

The ugly truth is that he broke up with you because he didnt want to be with you.

 

Saying that he was too busy to date was the excuse he used to avoid telling you that he doesn't/no longer had feelings for you.

 

Telling you that he wanted to remain friends simply means that he didnt want you to hate him. He wanted out of the relationship and didnt want to deal with any drama. It didnt mean that he wanted to hang out with you or sustain a true friendship. He just wanted things to be amicable between you.

 

Think about it. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you. He didnt want to negotiate, explain his feelings or deal with you having an emotional meltdown so he gave you an impersonal reason and let you down as gently as he could hoping that you would accept it and let it go.

 

Instead, you sent the text. Regardless of how innocuous it was, you sent it hoping it would get you back in the door...and he knew it, so he chose to not respond. For him, the relationship is over. After trying again and again to let you know that he wanted out, he finally stepped up and told you that he wanted to break up. Now that it's over and he's out of the relationship (which wasn't easy), he is no longer obligated to explain himself or to respond to you.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that he knows how persistent you are and regardless of how you approach him or what you say, he knows your true motive is to get him back. All you will accomplish by contacting him again is to push him further away.

 

I know it hurts, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that it's over. It may take some time to get over him, but not accepting it will only prolong your pain and delay your recovery.

 

As for dating, of course it's normal to compare everyone to your ex at this point. You haven't even let go! It is way to early...

 

Thank you for your comments Survivor12. I think what you've said really sums up the whole situation for me. I know he doesn't want me back. If he did, he would have made contact by now. I don't know why I cling on to hope, it's an exercise in futility.

 

I think it might be because it's the first time I've ever experienced a real break up. The idea of just losing someone from your life is something I never had to bear before. A life lesson I guess.

 

Just a comment on one of your points above, you said that "he knows how persistent you are". I was not being persistent at all. We broke up, I did not contact him for a month and then I just sent one message asking how he was. I don't think that would give any impression that I want him back, does it?

 

Also, you said that "All you will accomplish by contacting him again is to push him further away". I don't think I could push him any further away even if I tried. And if there is no hope for the two of us, what should it matter now?

[sly_fly1]

well i have been in the same pattern twice, more than likley he found someone else. do not stay contact. because it will be nothing but bread crumbs and getting your hopes up. he will be able to use you to slowly ween himself off of you. while hes moved on with his new gf., which i gaurentee he has. you will be stuck there sitting asking yourself why. well ill tell you. no matter how many times you ask why. he will never give you an answer that makes any sence, or that is good enouph. you dont have to move on. that move on word is cursed. what you have to do is snap out of it.

 

what i mean by that is. he got so caught up in your life that you forgot about everything and made him the centre of the universe, you have to make YOU the center of the universe. go out, be around people. let it all out to people you trust. and believe me once you do all this, he will come back, after his new relationship turns into a bomb shell. disappear and become that hot chick again. n when he comes back begging. kick his ass to the curb.

 

i did the opposite though. my girlfriend came back and i took her back because i felt sorry for her, even though she broke my heart. we are working on things and things are neither good,, or bad, but at times i wish i would have screwed with her emotions too like she did to me. and other times i wish i would have just never talked to her again.

 

choose your own path, sorry about my mis spelling.

[Survivor12]

Hi. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I could sense problems for a while beforehand. He wasn't contacting me as much. He didn't really want to do anything like go for dinner or out to a bar. I pressed him about this and he said that he was very busy. His job is very demanding, but on top of that he decided to do an academic course outside of work which requires a lot of study. There also was little to no sex life or intimacy (not that we didn't want to be intimate, just some obstacles that couldn't be avoided and I would rather not discuss).

 

I continued to pressure him about him not being available until one day he was finally honest with me.He said that he was just too busy to be able to make a relationship work. I asked him if he wanted to take a break and to get back together once his exams are over. He was very hesitant because he is also moving abroad in a...

 

This is the persistence I was referring to (in bold, if I did it right). You "pressed him", you "continued to pressure him"...and when he said he was too busy for a relationship (i.e. he wanted to end it), you didn't give up.

 

As for your last comment/question--What I was saying is, there is no point in contacting him again because it won't bring him back. So why do it? It won't help you get over him. As a matter of fact, the act of making contact (even if it's not answered) is an attempt to keep a connection. What you need to be doing to heal is just the opposite. You need to let go.

 

For what it's worth, I have been left broken hearted and I remember how helpless I felt. Even though I tried to hold on to the connection I had with him, it was useless when he wasn't holding on to the other end. Visualize each of you holding on to opposite ends of a piece of rope. In a good relationship, the rope is taut, but when one person lets go, that end of the rope falls to the ground and the other person is left holding on to a worthless, limp piece of rope. Hanging on to it, tugging on it, is a waste of effort and carrying it with you is just excess baggae. It's time to let go of the rope.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Survivor12

[54321]

I'm not sure the reasoning really, my ex did the same thing as stating she'd give me time to be friends and now she doesn't respond. Is it because she has actually considered the fact I may have not been ready and therefore wants to respect NC? Maybe. Is it because she dislikes/hates me for what I last said to her? Possibly. I'm not sure the reason but if I ever find out before you do then I will be sure to let you know! Although it's okay to me if I never find out at this point.

 

Would it have been less painful if you knew the reason was that she wanted to respect NC and not that she hated you? Or would it not have made a difference?

[KatZee]

I wouldn't expect him to reply, but did you feel any better after sending it though? Did you feel like you got something off your chest or was it just a pointless exercise?

 

I am wondering what is going through his mind. Is he being callous by not replying to me, or actually doing both of us a favour by not getting in contact. He did say he would like to be friends, and now he won't even reply to a simple text. I did no contact for a while, maybe he took this very negatively and doesn't want to hear from me again as a result.

 

Now I just feel abandoned and that he never really cared about me.

 

If you had something to say, you should have said it when the break up happened. Not weeks down the line or however long it's been. To write something now just looks ridiculous and is pointless and it makes YOU look like the weak/desperate/needy/pathetic one. It shows you're still obsessing over him, and it's going to be an ego booster for him and it lowers YOUR value in his eyes.

 

He was NOT being honest when he said he wanted to be friends with you. I get that this was your first relationship but this is what THEY ALL SAY. This has been said by EVERY. SINGLE. DUMPER. on the planet. It's not a real thing. They don't want to somehow transition from bf, to ex bf, to your very best friend.

 

It's used to lessen the blow of the break up, it's used to make you feel better about it, take the focus off themselves, make them look like "better" people... everything he said was a huge load of BS.

 

It doesn't mean he NEVER cared for you, it means you guys are broken up and there is no need for him to be in your life and vice versa. This is what happens. It's very rare for an ex to be in your life as a significant figure... people enter relationships, end relationships and people change, move on, evolve, and leave your life. That is life.

[lovesfool]

Sorry that I keep bumping this thread, but I don't want to start a new one everytime I have an update/issue!

 

I thought I was doing well up until recently but I noticed myself "checking up" on him so to speak. I check if he's been on the online dating sites recently, if he has added new contacts on skype, even checking if he's been online on his phone through viber!

 

It's bad, I know. But I can't help it. I refuse to believe that he is over me, even thought the signs are all pointing to it. I keep thinking he will realise that the grass is greener and contact me again. I have seriously thought about deleting all contact information that I have, such as email, skype and phone number, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I try to do it, I keep stopping short saying that I'll do it tomorrow.

 

I find every free moment I have I am thinking about him. I know the advice is to keep busy, but I can't keep busy 24/7! Every night before I fall to sleep I would think about him. Why does he still have this grip on me?

[Survivor12]

Know this: Every single time that you "check up" on him, you are setting yourself back to start over. You are prolonging healing.

 

The reason that you keep doing it is two-fold...first, you are looking for a reason to validate your desire to believe that he's thinking of you & wants you back. The other reason is that even the pain you are feeling is a connection to him. Once that is gone, there is nothing left but emptiness and you can't bear the thought so you choose to hold on to the pain.

 

Unfortunately, the only way to "get over" someone is by allowing yourself to face the feelings of loss. To face your fear of truly feeling alone. It's not easy and it hurts, but the hurt is different. Instead of frustration and desperation and longing, you will feel sadness, emptiness and loss.

 

The good news is that once you get to that point--which will come only after you have accepted that its over and have stopped hanging on--is that you are much closer to healing and moving on.

 

You have to get rid of the weeds before you plant the grass or your struggle will continue indefinitely.

 

Stop "checking up". Stop prolonging the agony. Accept that he is gone, the relationship is over, and that you are on your own. Quit torturing yourself with the pain of rejection and allow yourself to grieve the loss. Understand that no matter how much pain you inflict on yourself, it isn't going to bring him back.

 

Time alone isn't enough if you continue to hold on to that which is causing the pain.

[lovesfool]

I was going out with my ex for a few months when he eventually started to grow more distant. He said it was because he was busy with work and college. This continued for a while until eventually he said we should break up.

 

He said he wanted to stay in contact and once college is finished he would want to get back together.

 

After this break up talk he said he would give me time alone to deal with the situation and he said he would let me contact him first. But he texted me first wishing me luck on a big day I had. I ignored it. I decided to contact him after about a month, with a casual text, but he never responded. I haven't been in contact with him since.

 

I don't know if he was upset that I never texted him back after he texted me, or if he just doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

Should I try to contact him again? I am just worried that he is doing this "no contact" rule on me as I have been doing on him and we're both just too stubborn to break it.

[No Limit]

You've already contacted him first, and he couldn't be bothered to respond.

I'd stay away from this. If he really had intentions regarding a relationship he'd respond or perhaps someday stand in front of your door, but I wouldn't hold your breath to be honest.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Please don't listen to the NC stuff unless you really do 100% want out & only then use it to heal x

 

IF he is using the NC rule then he would have been advised to ignore you to make you chase more & u are being advised to not reply again as he has ignored you so IF you are correct then this whole NC is f*cking u both up x

 

Talk to him if that's what u want to do just don't be emotional keep it straight to the point & be firm but not overally emotional x

[lovesfool]

Please don't listen to the NC stuff unless you really do 100% want out & only then use it to heal x

 

IF he is using the NC rule then he would have been advised to ignore you to make you chase more & u are being advised to not reply again as he has ignored you so IF you are correct then this whole NC is f*cking u both up x

 

Talk to him if that's what u want to do just don't be emotional keep it straight to the point & be firm but not overally emotional x

 

This is exactly what I was thinking and what I don't get. Everyone here seems to promote no contact as a panacea for break ups. But what if both parties are doing it? It may be unlikely, but how are you to know?

 

Does no one advise fighting to make a relationship work? Is the general rule "if you fail, give up"?

[jbelle6]

This is exactly what I was thinking and what I don't get. Everyone here seems to promote no contact as a panacea for break ups. But what if both parties are doing it? It may be unlikely, but how are you to know?

 

Does no one advise fighting to make a relationship work? Is the general rule "if you fail, give up"?

 

 

 

 

Show me a story, go all over the net if you have to, of someone grovelling at their exes feet when they were the one dumped and got their ex back.

 

SHOW ME ONE INSTANCE. ONE.

No contact isn't about getting them back, they don't want you. It's about moving on so you aren't whimpering about them for months or years.

 

I loathe these no contact posts, they make it sound like losing self respect and begging getting the same or worse results is any better.

And not everyone who was dumped "failed".

 

If there was a fight and you did something wrong, then sure, give it a couple of weeks and apologize and maybe that could work, but if someone has slowly fallen out of love with you and just no

longer wants you in their life/lost feelings, well good luck with that.

Edited May 31, 2014 by jbelle6

[jbelle6]

One last thing, who the hell wants someone they have to beg or fight for to be with them. I mean, if that's what you want to do then fine, I would rather move on and find a guy that would fight for us and me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Please don't listen to the NC stuff unless you really do 100% want out & only then use it to heal x

 

IF he is using the NC rule then he would have been advised to ignore you to make you chase more & u are being advised to not reply again as he has ignored you so IF you are correct then this whole NC is f*cking u both up x

 

Talk to him if that's what u want to do just don't be emotional keep it straight to the point & be firm but not overally emotional x

 

Dude, this is awful advice because she was dumped. You are basically sending her into a gunfight with a knife.

[lovesfool]

After some time after the break up, I now want to send my ex an email for complete closure. Not closure from him, but closure from myself.

 

I am really annoyed about how he ended things, and I don't think he knows that. He was immature, ignored me and lied about why he was breaking up with me.

 

He asked me to keep in contact, I did, and he didn't respond. Now I look foolish. He has this over me. At the moment he is winning. He will have the impression that I am not over him and that he can still waltz back into my life whenever he wants. I want to change this.

 

I really just want to tell him what he did and how he treated me. I want him to feel guilty. I will also tell him that I will never talk to him again. And trust me, I won't. I am going to delete all the contact information I have of his to be sure.

 

What do you think?

[Simon Phoenix]

After some time after the break up, I now want to send my ex an email for complete closure. Not closure from him, but closure from myself.

 

I am really annoyed about how he ended things, and I don't think he knows that. He was immature, ignored me and lied about why he was breaking up with me.

 

He asked me to keep in contact, I did, and he didn't respond. Now I look foolish. He has this over me. At the moment he is winning. He will have the impression that I am not over him and that he can still waltz back into my life whenever he wants. I want to change this.

 

I really just want to tell him what he did and how he treated me. I want him to feel guilty. I will also tell him that I will never talk to him again. And trust me, I won't. I am going to delete all the contact information I have of his to be sure.

 

What do you think?

 

If you want to show that you are over him, sending him a letter is one of the worst possible methods to do that. It shows the exact opposite. If you don't want to talk to him again, then don't. Don't make a huge production out of it.

 

If you want to write a letter to get your words on paper for your own peace of mind, there's nothing wrong with that. BUT DO NOT SEND IT. If it's for your peace of mind, then there's no need for him to read it.

[lovesfool]

If you want to show that you are over him, sending him a letter is one of the worst possible methods to do that. It shows the exact opposite. If you don't want to talk to him again, then don't. Don't make a huge production out of it.

 

If you want to write a letter to get your words on paper for your own peace of mind, there's nothing wrong with that. BUT DO NOT SEND IT. If it's for your peace of mind, then there's no need for him to read it.

 

The reason I want to send it is to show him how inconsiderate he was. I don't think he realises and he sees nothing wrong with what he has done. That is what is annoying me. He "got away" with it.

 

The fact that I have messaged him before will have him believing I may always be there in waiting. I don't want him to have that impression. I am very self conscious about what other people think of me and for him to think I am not over him is not good. It's not just because he was my boyfriend, I am like this with everyone. I don't want anyone to have a negative impression of me.

 

We never really said our final goodbyes at the end of our relationship as we said we'd talk a few weeks after the breakup, which never happened. It was left very open at the end of the breakup and to leave it like that is frustrating.

 

What is wrong with sending one final "goodbye" message? I just want it to be clear for him and also to give closure to myself.

[Simon Phoenix]

The reason I want to send it is to show him how inconsiderate he was. I don't think he realises and he sees nothing wrong with what he has done. That is what is annoying me. He "got away" with it.

 

The fact that I have messaged him before will have him believing I may always be there in waiting. I don't want him to have that impression. I am very self conscious about what other people think of me and for him to think I am not over him is not good. It's not just because he was my boyfriend, I am like this with everyone. I don't want anyone to have a negative impression of me.

 

We never really said our final goodbyes at the end of our relationship as we said we'd talk a few weeks after the breakup, which never happened. It was left very open at the end of the breakup and to leave it like that is frustrating.

 

What is wrong with sending one final "goodbye" message? I just want it to be clear for him and also to give closure to myself.

 

First of all, he's not going to be like "oh yeah, my ex thinks I'm inconsiderate, I'll completely change my ways" because you wrote a letter to him. He'll likely roll his eyes, completely dismiss it and go about his day. You saying nothing and going ghost would be a heck of a lot more effective in him ever realizing he screwed up than you sending a letter basically telling him how bad he is.

 

And I don't buy the "one final goodbye" story you are trying to spin. Just a few days ago you were agreeing with a poster who said you should pursue and get back in contact. I don't think this would be a final goodbye -- I think you are trying to use the illusion of a "final goodbye" to force his hand. And even if you aren't, that's exactly how it will come off.

 

He doesn't care about your criticism of how he conducts himself. If he did, he'd still be with you. Writing a letter can be therapeutic, but sending it to "look for closure" from him, or to elicit a reaction, is pissing into the wind and completely counterproductive. You say that you don't want him to think that you're not over him. Well, sending him a letter is basically shouting into a bullhorn saying 'I'M NOT OVER YOU!'

 

Closure comes from within. Do not depend on someone else to do that work for you.

[thedills05]

I have come back to the forum after a long break, after having gone through what was at the time, a very painful breakup last year. She cheated, phoned the following day, broke up and then got in a relationship with the guy. Roll on 2 months of LC followed by nearly 2 months of complete NC and she came running back. Emails, texts, twitter, phone calls, liking photos on FB and even a letter!

 

He may or may not come back. Ultimately though, what I can tell you from experience is, NC works 100% for you. At the end of the NC period, when my gf came back, I really was prepared to walk away. I did take her back, which nearly a year on is a decision I am beginning to regret.

 

Any kind of contact is really (as everybody will tell you) playing into the dumpers hands. It allows them to wean themselves from you and only make you feel worse! There is nothing you can say or do to him that will make you feel better, short term or long term. Harsh as it is, forget him. Delete number FB, twitter, any means in which he could contact you.

 

NC really does rule, ultimately.