Is my breakup permanent? [update]

[Standard-Fare]

I would add that I've been in a similar situation, only as the person saying "I'm too busy to date you."

 

This was with a guy I genuinely liked, but the relationship was starting to feel like a hassle to fit into my life, for various reasons. And ultimately, I didn't like him ENOUGH to make the necessary sacrifices to give our relationship a high priority. So instead of dangling him by a thread and giving him a watered-down commitment, I was straight with him and broke things off.

 

Although I didn't love the thought of him dating other women, I knew it wasn't fair to prohibit that. If I couldn't give him myself completely, I needed to let him go.

 

So it may be something similar with your boyfriend, OP. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or that he's a callous a*shole. Sometimes relationships just stop making practical sense.

[d0nnivain]

Why is closure a myth? I don't have it at the moment because has left it open with the possibility of getting back together in the future. It might be the case that he just said this to ease the breaking up, but don't you think after time apart when both of us are less emotional, he will know what he really wants?

 

I had always planned to contact him again. I just needed time apart from him to think and to give him space, at least until after his exams. If even after he sees things have changed (that is, more free time and resolved the intimacy issues), and he still is not interested, I will know it is time to move on.

 

Is that delusional?

 

Closure is a myth because everybody says they want it but few can handle the truth & even fewer can actually put words around why they wanted out of the relationship.

 

No matter how much you talk somebody will always be left wondering what went wrong.

 

He's the one with no free time. Until he graduates from school he will never have the amount of time to devote to you that you want. What is there to fix? He can't stop working & he's not going to drop out of school for you. Combined with intimacy issues, what, exactly, are you hanging on to?

[lovesfool]

Is advice on this forum always so negative and upsetting?

 

I know the signs are negative, and it might be my naivity (it was both my first and his first serious relationship), but I feel I have to contact him again.

 

Maybe you are all are correct in your assumptions, but to just scratch someone from so important in my life is impossible for me to do without some form of closure.

 

I know complete closure is difficult to get, but the breakup was left open ended and he was hesitant about a lot of things. To just leave it like that would drive me mad with "what-ifs".

 

There are only two outcomes I can get from contacting him again. Either he wants to get back together again (which I am not optimistic about) or else he doesn't want to get back together and I can move on. Both results will allow me to get on with my life, because right now I feel like I am in limbo.

[FredJones80]

There are only two outcomes I can get from contacting him again. Either he wants to get back together again (which I am not optimistic about) or else he doesn't want to get back together and I can move on. Both results will allow me to get on with my life, because right now I feel like I am in limbo.

 

At the end of the day you'll do what you feels best regardless of if that is best or not. Go with your gut, if you're right then great, if you're wrong then you may add to your heartache... only one way to find out...

[lovesfool]

At the end of the day you'll do what you feels best regardless of if that is best or not. Go with your gut, if you're right then great, if you're wrong then you may add to your heartache... only one way to find out...

 

I think everyone learns best from making mistakes. Hopefully this won't be a mistake, but even if it is, I'd still be happier than I am now. It may add to my heartache, but I believe it would be worse to be living with regretting not doing it.

[Jiivy]

I think everyone learns best from making mistakes. Hopefully this won't be a mistake, but even if it is, I'd still be happier than I am now. It may add to my heartache, but I believe it would be worse to be living with regretting not doing it.

 

So you get the usual LS heave-ho. "NC and end it!", "Move on!" they cry. They're kind of right, I guess it just takes time to see it...but I think this time I'll give you some different advice.

 

1) Think about your career today, or school or whatever it is you "do" for a living.

2) Think about what lead you to do that. If you're in school - did you chose your subjects? Is there one in particular that interests you?

3) Think about 1 & 2. Then think about your aspirations. Not for your personal life - imagine that's going really well. Hell, imagine he's back with you if that's what works best.

4) Now think about your future self in that dream career you've made for yourself. Ask yourself how it is you get happiness in the future. Is it from your job? Your partner? What is it that satisfies you with your life?

 

...and for the last bit.

 

5) Think about how much that dream depends on someone else. Think carefully and decide if perhaps that dream is balanced. Do you seek all your future happiness from your relationship alone? What if your partner were to die? How would you live your life?

 

 

The point is, I want you to think about yourself and your career and your hopes. I want you to draw the focus for a second back to you, so that you see perhaps it's not always the best idea to put all of your eggs in to the basket of your ex. Maybe part of who YOU are, should really be part of YOU.

[lovesfool]

So you get the usual LS heave-ho. "NC and end it!", "Move on!" they cry. They're kind of right, I guess it just takes time to see it...but I think this time I'll give you some different advice.

 

1) Think about your career today, or school or whatever it is you "do" for a living.

2) Think about what lead you to do that. If you're in school - did you chose your subjects? Is there one in particular that interests you?

3) Think about 1 & 2. Then think about your aspirations. Not for your personal life - imagine that's going really well. Hell, imagine he's back with you if that's what works best.

4) Now think about your future self in that dream career you've made for yourself. Ask yourself how it is you get happiness in the future. Is it from your job? Your partner? What is it that satisfies you with your life?

 

...and for the last bit.

 

5) Think about how much that dream depends on someone else. Think carefully and decide if perhaps that dream is balanced. Do you seek all your future happiness from your relationship alone? What if your partner were to die? How would you live your life?

 

 

The point is, I want you to think about yourself and your career and your hopes. I want you to draw the focus for a second back to you, so that you see perhaps it's not always the best idea to put all of your eggs in to the basket of your ex. Maybe part of who YOU are, should really be part of YOU.

 

Thank you for the advice, but I am unsure what the main point you are trying to get across. Is it that I shouldn't focus on getting my ex back?

 

My life is not revolving around him. I have a life outside of my relationship woes. I am lucky that my career is where I want it to be and I am happy where it is going. I know that I can live without a boyfriend, as up until I met my ex boyfriend, I was perfectly happy. But I had never been in a relationship before and never realised what I was missing.

[Elle1975]

Thank you for the advice, but I am unsure what the main point you are trying to get across. Is it that I shouldn't focus on getting my ex back?

 

My life is not revolving around him. I have a life outside of my relationship woes. I am lucky that my career is where I want it to be and I am happy where it is going. I know that I can live without a boyfriend, as up until I met my ex boyfriend, I was perfectly happy. But I had never been in a relationship before and never realised what I was missing.

 

I know what you mean. I had been single for a few years when I met my ex, by choice. I met him, got into the relationship, and BAM! Now, I realize that's what I want.

 

Even though I still don't know what the hell I am going to do without him, I have to keep in mind that he's not the only guy who can add to my life.

Edited May 1, 2014 by Elle1975

[lovesfool]

So, despite everyones advce, I decided to send him a text message a few days ago. It was an innocuous message, just asking how he was. I didn't receive any reply.

 

I guess all I can take from this is that he has no interest in remaining in contact, despite what he said when we were breaking up. I am disappointed, not that he doesn't want to speak with me, but just that he didn't tell me the truth when we broke up.

 

Despite this, I am in some ways happy. Now I can move on without a doubt in my mind that he doesn't want to get back together again. I do fear though, that I may get a text in the future from him and that I will jump at the opportunity to get back in touch with him.

 

I am tempted to perhaps send him an email, just to tell him the things I didn't get a chance to when we broke up. How he handled it so badly and that he wasn't honest with me. I was thinking it might help me vent and get closure from my end, and also to make him see how he messed up (which he may be oblivious to). Do you think this will help?

[stillafool]

I am tempted to perhaps send him an email, just to tell him the things I didn't get a chance to when we broke up. How he handled it so badly and that he wasn't honest with me. I was thinking it might help me vent and get closure from my end, and also to make him see how he messed up (which he may be oblivious to). Do you think this will help?

 

Write the letter and get it all out but do not send it to him. Any further contact from you at this point will be viewed by him as pitiful. As you can see he has no interest in getting back together so take this as your closure.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So, despite everyones advce, I decided to send him a text message a few days ago. It was an innocuous message, just asking how he was. I didn't receive any reply.

 

I guess all I can take from this is that he has no interest in remaining in contact, despite what he said when we were breaking up. I am disappointed, not that he doesn't want to speak with me, but just that he didn't tell me the truth when we broke up.

 

Despite this, I am in some ways happy. Now I can move on without a doubt in my mind that he doesn't want to get back together again. I do fear though, that I may get a text in the future from him and that I will jump at the opportunity to get back in touch with him.

 

I am tempted to perhaps send him an email, just to tell him the things I didn't get a chance to when we broke up. How he handled it so badly and that he wasn't honest with me. I was thinking it might help me vent and get closure from my end, and also to make him see how he messed up (which he may be oblivious to). Do you think this will help?

 

NO!!!!!!!!! The non-replying of the text should scream volumes to you. There were a LOT of people telling you to not send a text. You did and it didnt go as planned. So sending an e-mail will be any better? You're not going to "make him see" anything. Again, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. In his mind, he didnt mess up. You can persuade someone into thinking like you do, especially if they dont want to.

 

Sending an e-mail will make you look needy, clingy, and desperate. You wont be liberated or anything of the sort. Yes, the breakup is permanent. Your continued reaching out will seal the deal for any future chance. STOP NOW

Edited May 4, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Always Pondering]

NO!!!!!!!!! The non-replying of the text should scream volumes to you. There were a LOT of people telling you to not send a text. You did and it didnt go as planned. So sending an e-mail will be any better? You're not going to "make him see" anything. Again, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. In his mind, he didnt mess up. You can persuade someone into thinking like you do, especially if they dont want to.

 

Sending an e-mail will make you look needy, clingy, and desperate. You wont be liberated or anything of the sort. Yes, the breakup is permanent. Your continued reaching out will seal the deal for any future chance. STOP NOW

 

Pretty much this.

 

I thought sending an e-mail would have been the most genius idea ever and I got absolutely no response as well. I did this some while post-BU and I will tell you that I completely regret it. I do not remember exactly what I wrote (since I deleted it) but I'm sure I came off as needy, dependent, and weak. It's too late for the text message but do not do the e-mail please.

 

As stillafool said, you can write the e-mail if you want but don't actually send it to him. There's a thread somewhere in these forums which is made for writing things you would want to say to your ex but will not, you can put it in there if it makes you feel better.

 

But do not send him an e-mail!

[FredJones80]

I thought sending an e-mail would have been the most genius idea ever and I got absolutely no response as well. I did this some while post-BU and I will tell you that I completely regret it.

 

Yeah, before I found this site I wrote a "final" email, sure, it was the final thing I ever sent and since then 2 weeks NC, it was huge. Just basically airing the things I thought I could of done better blah blah.

 

Didn't want to force a response so gave the choice of "you can respond, or don't, take as much time as you need"

 

Guess what I got back.... nothing, ziltch, na-da, **** all. Not even a "thanks but it changes nothing" or a "I don't know how to reply to that" not a single bean.

 

I know she got it because I had text in advance to tell her to expect it and she replied saying she would read it...

 

Pointless.

 

I agree with those above, don't bother.

[lovesfool]

Yeah, before I found this site I wrote a "final" email, sure, it was the final thing I ever sent and since then 2 weeks NC, it was huge. Just basically airing the things I thought I could of done better blah blah.

 

Didn't want to force a response so gave the choice of "you can respond, or don't, take as much time as you need"

 

Guess what I got back.... nothing, ziltch, na-da, **** all. Not even a "thanks but it changes nothing" or a "I don't know how to reply to that" not a single bean.

 

I know she got it because I had text in advance to tell her to expect it and she replied saying she would read it...

 

Pointless.

 

I agree with those above, don't bother.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I wouldn't expect him to reply, but did you feel any better after sending it though? Did you feel like you got something off your chest or was it just a pointless exercise?

 

I am wondering what is going through his mind. Is he being callous by not replying to me, or actually doing both of us a favour by not getting in contact. He did say he would like to be friends, and now he won't even reply to a simple text. I did no contact for a while, maybe he took this very negatively and doesn't want to hear from me again as a result.

 

Now I just feel abandoned and that he never really cared about me.

[FredJones80]

I wouldn't expect him to reply, but did you feel any better after sending it though? Did you feel like you got something off your chest or was it just a pointless exercise?

 

I suppose it depends what you write. I explained my mistakes, areas where I thought I had done wrong etc etc.

 

At the end of the day, it takes two to make a relationship, if she thought I was doing something wrong or not enough in a certain area then she should (or would) of said. As it is she decided to end a long relationship so there probably isn't anything more I can do.

 

As it is the writing an email was a pointless exercise. If you want to do it, write it, but don't send it. It won't make any difference if you send it or not, so may as well not send it.

[Always Pondering]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I wouldn't expect him to reply, but did you feel any better after sending it though? Did you feel like you got something off your chest or was it just a pointless exercise?

 

I am wondering what is going through his mind. Is he being callous by not replying to me, or actually doing both of us a favour by not getting in contact. He did say he would like to be friends, and now he won't even reply to a simple text. I did no contact for a while, maybe he took this very negatively and doesn't want to hear from me again as a result.

 

Now I just feel abandoned and that he never really cared about me.

 

I did not really feel "better" after sending the email. If anything, I felt I displayed a huge act of neediness and desperation. Of all the mistakes I made post-BU, I believe sending the email was my biggest. It's too late though, what's done is done and we can't reverse it. I expected a response but did not get one so that hurt me pretty badly. Now and then I wish I could see how silly I sounded but I already deleted the email a long time ago.

 

I'm not sure the reasoning really, my ex did the same thing as stating she'd give me time to be friends and now she doesn't respond. Is it because she has actually considered the fact I may have not been ready and therefore wants to respect NC? Maybe. Is it because she dislikes/hates me for what I last said to her? Possibly. I'm not sure the reason but if I ever find out before you do then I will be sure to let you know! Although it's okay to me if I never find out at this point.

 

If the fact that he did not respond to your text hurts you, I would not send the email. Actually, I would not send the email regardless even if you feel it may "relieve" you some. Type/write it up to get your feelings out but try not to send it!

[lovesfool]

I did not really feel "better" after sending the email. If anything, I felt I displayed a huge act of neediness and desperation. Of all the mistakes I made post-BU, I believe sending the email was my biggest. It's too late though, what's done is done and we can't reverse it. I expected a response but did not get one so that hurt me pretty badly. Now and then I wish I could see how silly I sounded but I already deleted the email a long time ago.

 

Why do you think it was a mistake? Were you hoping to get back with your ex? If not, then if they thought of you as needy or desperate, why would it matter to you if you knew it was over.

 

That's kind of where I'm at at the moment. A couple of weeks ago I would have never have sent it, but now I don't mind if he never replies or thinks I am a fool. If it's over between us, I don't think it matters what he thinks of me.

[Always Pondering]

Why do you think it was a mistake? Were you hoping to get back with your ex? If not, then if they thought of you as needy or desperate, why would it matter to you if you knew it was over.

 

That's kind of where I'm at at the moment. A couple of weeks ago I would have never have sent it, but now I don't mind if he never replies or thinks I am a fool. If it's over between us, I don't think it matters what he thinks of me.

 

I only view it as a mistake because I looked silly, but we're humans and humans make mistakes. No, I wasn't hoping to get back with my ex (maybe I was subconsciously at the time but who knows). It only hurts my dignity a little when I think about it because now that I am viewing my situation with more clarity, I found sending the email pointless in my favor besides making myself look dumb and not sticking to NC. If I didn't send the email, I'd be NC for about 7 months instead of 4 months.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Why do you think it was a mistake? Were you hoping to get back with your ex? If not, then if they thought of you as needy or desperate, why would it matter to you if you knew it was over.

 

That's kind of where I'm at at the moment. A couple of weeks ago I would have never have sent it, but now I don't mind if he never replies or thinks I am a fool. If it's over between us, I don't think it matters what he thinks of me.

 

Read ALL over loveshack. There are numerous threads about people sending e-mails (even when they have "nothing to lose" and "doesnt matter what he thinks of me") and how awful of ideas they are. You are not the first person to have such a bad idea.

 

As some said, write it if you must, but do NOT send it. You lose so much self respect for yourself.

[lovesfool]

I just hate the position he has put me in. He said he wanted to be friends, and he did send me a text shortly after we broke up wishing me good luck with a big day I had. I did not respond, but when I reached out to him a few weeks later, he just ignored me. Did I mean that little to him that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or is he doing no contact with me because I was doing it to him?

 

I wish I could have had one more conversation with him. Our break up was a bit messy, and we said we'd meet to talk it out, but he never followed through. It's so hard to move on when there are so many unanswered questions. That's why I wanted to send that email.

 

I also decided to start going on a dating website. I don't know why. Maybe it was to make him a bit jealous, or maybe it was just for someone to talk to because I'm feeling a bit lonely. The problem is that my ex is on this dating website as well. I see him there all the time. I think he is going on dates as well, which doesn't help my situation. I know he has seen me on there too. It seems like I just can't avoid him, even when I try to move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you already made one error in texting him. Now is not the time to double down with an e-mail. You won't listen, you haven't listened yet, but the e-mail is just a rotten, horrible idea, at least to send it.

 

Think about it this way, if you truly don't care if he responds, then why would you even send it to him in the first place? Seems pretty pointless to me. If you want to get your thoughts on a piece of paper (or on a computer screen) go for it. But do not send. I wrote the ex that got me here a letter and kept it on my computer. Every so often I'd go back and edit it. The first draft was 900 words. Then it was 800. Then 650. Then 400. Then I just deleted it because I had nothing more to say. It served as a good "progress report" on my recovery. But never once did I think to send it, and I'm thankful I didn't.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just hate the position he has put me in. He said he wanted to be friends, and he did send me a text shortly after we broke up wishing me good luck with a big day I had. I did not respond, but when I reached out to him a few weeks later, he just ignored me. Did I mean that little to him that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, or is he doing no contact with me because I was doing it to him?

 

I wish I could have had one more conversation with him. Our break up was a bit messy, and we said we'd meet to talk it out, but he never followed through. It's so hard to move on when there are so many unanswered questions. That's why I wanted to send that email.

 

I also decided to start going on a dating website. I don't know why. Maybe it was to make him a bit jealous, or maybe it was just for someone to talk to because I'm feeling a bit lonely. The problem is that my ex is on this dating website as well. I see him there all the time. I think he is going on dates as well, which doesn't help my situation. I know he has seen me on there too. It seems like I just can't avoid him, even when I try to move on.

 

What you'll realize is the why doesn't matter. Even if you did know the why, then what? Are you really going to try to use that reason to manipulate him to come back to you? Do you really want to "trick" someone into being with you? Why not find someone who wants to be with you on their own volition.

 

The why doesn't matter. The result matters. And the result is that he chose not to be in a relationship with you. That's your closure. The sooner you realize this and the sooner you stop all the mental gymnastics, the better off you'll be.

[KaliLove]

Here's what will happen. You will send the email and, as you said, it's unlikely that he will reply. You will spend the next couple of days obsessing over why he didn't reply and going over exactly what you said word for word trying to wring as much meaning out of your words as you can to make sure he couldn't have misinterpreted them. Then you will figure out a way that he probably misinterpreted them (which will probably be nonsense). Then you will send a follow up email. The pattern continues. Your emails get angrier and sadder and more obsessive. And on and on until you finally give up.

 

It will NOT make you feel better. It will make you feel SO much worse.

Edited May 10, 2014 by KaliLove

[Lifegoezon]

You do want a response. You admit to having unanswered questions. So when you get no reply you're no better off. That's why it's pointless to send it. You are hoping asking the questions will make him rethink and realise he's made a mistake. It's not going to happen. He's moved on already. And you aren't trying to avoid him by going on a dating site he's on. There are other dating sites - but you're not ready for dating yet. Press on. It takes time.

[lovesfool]

You do want a response. You admit to having unanswered questions. So when you get no reply you're no better off. That's why it's pointless to send it. You are hoping asking the questions will make him rethink and realise he's made a mistake. It's not going to happen. He's moved on already. And you aren't trying to avoid him by going on a dating site he's on. There are other dating sites - but you're not ready for dating yet. Press on. It takes time.

 

I just keep wondering what is going through his mind. He did say he wanted to be friends, and he did reach out and contact me before. Why would he decide not reciprocate after I contacted him? It's very confusing.

 

I have been trying to avoid him, but that dating website I was talking about is the only one where I can meet new people. I live in a very small area and most if not all guys around here use it.

 

I have also thought about deleting all his contact details and all the old messages and emails from him, but I am really reluctant too. We had some great conversations and to just erase it from history is very difficult.