Is my breakup permanent? [update]

[KaliLove]

Be honest with yourself. Are you really looking for closure or are you hoping to provoke a response from him?

 

If you truly are looking for closure, the only way to do that is NC. Nothing he says or does is going to make you feel better. If he's nice, you'll think there's a chance. If he's not nice, you'll be hurt. If he doesn't respond, you'll go nuts.

 

If you're looking to provoke a response..you probably won't get one, and then you'll start to obsess, and it'll eat away at you.

[lovesfool]

Be honest with yourself. Are you really looking for closure or are you hoping to provoke a response from him?

 

If you truly are looking for closure, the only way to do that is NC. Nothing he says or does is going to make you feel better. If he's nice, you'll think there's a chance. If he's not nice, you'll be hurt. If he doesn't respond, you'll go nuts.

 

If you're looking to provoke a response..you probably won't get one, and then you'll start to obsess, and it'll eat away at you.

 

I understand what you're saying, and I guess it's somewhat true. When I contacted him the first time I was hoping for some response. Not hearing anything was just awful. I don't understand how he can be so cruel. How can you just ignore someone and treat them that way when you supposidly cared for them for so long?

 

The way it is now, it feels like he has the upperhand and I think he has won in this breakup, if that makes any sense. Is there anything I can do to reverse this?

 

I didn't send the email by the way. I did however delete all his old messages and contact details. I still have his number written down somewhere though.

[stillafool]

 

 

The reason I want to send it is to show him how inconsiderate he was.

 

He doesn't care and if you try to put a guilt trip on him he will certainly be glad you are gone.

 

The fact that I have messaged him before will have him believing I may always be there in waiting.

 

The time to show him you are not waiting for him is IF he contacts you again to get together. Not now when he obviously is not bothering to contact you. You will look and sound crazy. Again, he will be glad you are gone.

 

I don't want him to have that impression. I am very self conscious about what other people think of me and for him to think I am not over him is not good.

It's not just because he was my boyfriend, I am like this with everyone. I don't want anyone to have a negative impression of me.

 

I don't want to be mean but it does not seem like he is even thinking of you at all. He seems to have moved on and if you want him to think you have too don't contact him and get busy having a life. Here's the truth if you want a happy life stop caring about what people think of you because you cannot please everyone.

 

 

We never really said our final goodbyes at the end of our relationship as we said we'd talk a few weeks after the breakup, which never happened. It was left very open at the end of the breakup and to leave it like that is

frustrating.

 

And yet he hasn't contacted you because he is out enjoying his summer. If he wanted to talk to you he would have done it by now. He has moved on and probably hopes you have to.

 

What is wrong with sending one final "goodbye" message? I just want it to be clear for him and also to give closure to myself.

 

If you insist then go ahead but don't get hurt if he doesn't reply. Just know that you did it for yourself and not to hear back from him.

[stillafool]

 

The way it is now, it feels like he has the upperhand and I think he has won in this breakup, if that makes any sense. Is there anything I can do to reverse this?

 

 

There is no UPPERHAND or WIN in this relationship. You two are broken up and it's over.

Edited June 3, 2014 by stillafool

[lovesfool]

It has been over two months now since the break up and I still haven't heard from him, even after I tried to make contact. I was completely ignored.

 

Why would he do this? Looking back on it, the break up wasn't bad. There was no fighting and we both were very calm. He asked to remain friends. Even if the "remaining friends" was just for his own benefit, why would he burn bridges by ignoring me?

 

Why would he show so little concern and not have the decency to even respond to my messages? Did he care that little about me?

 

I know that no contact from him is good to help me get over the break up, but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking and why is he being so cruel. Why do dumpers do this?

[PhillyConnection23]

It has been over two months now since the break up and I still haven't heard from him, even after I tried to make contact. I was completely ignored.

 

Why would he do this? Looking back on it, the break up wasn't bad. There was no fighting and we both were very calm. He asked to remain friends. Even if the "remaining friends" was just for his own benefit, why would he burn bridges by ignoring me?

 

Why would he show so little concern and not have the decency to even respond to my messages? Did he care that little about me?

 

I know that no contact from him is good to help me get over the break up, but I can't help but wonder what he is thinking and why is he being so cruel. Why do dumpers do this?

 

I wouldn't say he is doing this to be hurtful or spiteful towards you.

 

If it was a loving relationship then the break up could be just as hard for him but he realizes that distance and separation are the best ways to heal. Maybe he knows you enough to see any attempt by you as a way of rekindling the relationship and is trying to avoid that?

 

Its easy to assume that him avoiding/ignoring you is malicious but its not as simple as that.

[lovesfool]

I wouldn't say he is doing this to be hurtful or spiteful towards you.

 

If it was a loving relationship then the break up could be just as hard for him but he realizes that distance and separation are the best ways to heal. Maybe he knows you enough to see any attempt by you as a way of rekindling the relationship and is trying to avoid that?

 

Its easy to assume that him avoiding/ignoring you is malicious but its not as simple as that.

 

I thought it was loving, but I think he just lost interest or got bored.

 

He offered friendship and asks me to contact him whenever I feel ready. I did just that, but essentially rejects me. What was he expecting? What goes through a dumpers mind at times like these?

 

How can blanking someone seem like the right thing to do after they've told you they want to remain in touch? It's like a cruel game he is playing, and he's winning.

[BC1980]

I thought it was loving, but I think he just lost interest or got bored.

 

He offered friendship and asks me to contact him whenever I feel ready. I did just that, but essentially rejects me. What was he expecting? What goes through a dumpers mind at times like these?

 

How can blanking someone seem like the right thing to do after they've told you they want to remain in touch? It's like a cruel game he is playing, and he's winning.

 

People often say let's be friends before they realize it's too difficult to do so. He might have changed his mind later. After a breakup, it's just best not to talk to the person, and it doesn't mean you hate them. There's simply too much emotional baggage to carry on any normal sort of friendship.

[Simon Phoenix]

I thought it was loving, but I think he just lost interest or got bored.

 

He offered friendship and asks me to contact him whenever I feel ready. I did just that, but essentially rejects me. What was he expecting? What goes through a dumpers mind at times like these?

 

How can blanking someone seem like the right thing to do after they've told you they want to remain in touch? It's like a cruel game he is playing, and he's winning.

 

He's not staying in touch because he senses conflict in you. He knows you want to try again, he knows that whatever "friendship" you are trying to have with him is a tool for you to try to get back together with him. Instead of playing along with it and confusing the hell out of you, he's letting you be. You are not ready to be friends with this man and you don't want to be friends with this man -- you want to be his girlfriend. He knows this, so he's not going to give you ammunition to fuel that. Honestly, as hurt as you feel now, you'd be in 10 times worse shape if you were hanging out with him and trying to psychoanalyze every move or gesture or spoken word.

 

He doesn't hate you. He probably doesn't even dislike you. He just doesn't want the inevitable awkwardness and confusion that would come from the both of you hanging out. In a way, he's looking out for you. Now, perhaps he shouldn't have said that he wanted to be friends, but the fact that you are taking it so literally is probably the reason that he doesn't want to talk to you in the first place. He was saying it to be nice and put you down gently.

[lovesfool]

He's not staying in touch because he senses conflict in you. He knows you want to try again, he knows that whatever "friendship" you are trying to have with him is a tool for you to try to get back together with him. Instead of playing along with it and confusing the hell out of you, he's letting you be. You are not ready to be friends with this man and you don't want to be friends with this man -- you want to be his girlfriend. He knows this, so he's not going to give you ammunition to fuel that. Honestly, as hurt as you feel now, you'd be in 10 times worse shape if you were hanging out with him and trying to psychoanalyze every move or gesture or spoken word.

 

He doesn't hate you. He probably doesn't even dislike you. He just doesn't want the inevitable awkwardness and confusion that would come from the both of you hanging out. In a way, he's looking out for you. Now, perhaps he shouldn't have said that he wanted to be friends, but the fact that you are taking it so literally is probably the reason that he doesn't want to talk to you in the first place. He was saying it to be nice and put you down gently.

 

I don't know how he senses conflict in me. Once we broke up, that was it until I contacted him a month later. I wasn't begging him to come back. I know he would be right to think that I wanted him back, but I don't know how he'd get that impression.

 

Why does he have to do it in this way though? Instead of ignoring me in a childish way, could he have not just responded with "I don't think we're ready to be friends, maybe in a few weeks/months/years" or something like that. It would have been a lot easier on me, and would have made things clear.

 

Seems like he is taking the cowards way out and ignoring the "problem".

[ProcessingThisBU]

Hi! You know I'm on the same boat. My ex gf broke with me 4 months ago, we have been 1 in strict NC, and I haven't heard anything from her. I have not tried to contact her, even on her birthday last week, I'm maintaining NC. But sometimes I think how can she be so cold, and how can she forget me so quick or move on so easy.

I feel your anger 'cause you don't understand how can he be so cruel. But the best way to see it is the advice from above. He sense you're not ready for contacting him. Because, let me tell you, (and this is with love and respect) if you were ready, if he reaches to you or not, would be the same to you. It would not affect you.

 

Keep working on yourself, be strong on NC. I wish you the best.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know how he senses conflict in me. Once we broke up, that was it until I contacted him a month later. I wasn't begging him to come back. I know he would be right to think that I wanted him back, but I don't know how he'd get that impression.

 

Why does he have to do it in this way though? Instead of ignoring me in a childish way, could he have not just responded with "I don't think we're ready to be friends, maybe in a few weeks/months/years" or something like that. It would have been a lot easier on me, and would have made things clear.

 

Seems like he is taking the cowards way out and ignoring the "problem".

 

Because he knows how much you loved him. You guys spent quite a bit of time together, he realizes that you still have feelings. He doesn't have to be in contact with you to know that. And honestly, whatever senses he has about that seem to be correct. You still seem to be emotional, you still want him back, you still have a lot of angst. He might not be in contact, but he knows you enough to know that interaction with you would be awkward and uncomfortable for both of you. Therefore he's hoping that by not engaging you that you will move forward without him.

 

98 percent of the time being friends with an ex right after the fact is an awful idea. It's just weird and awkward and there's way too much overanalyzation and tension. Honestly, you're lucky that he's not trying to be friends with you. That would be so much worse, even though I do understand you are hurt that he went from 100 to 0 on you.

 

As far as him not being honest initially, I agree with you -- it sucks. It would have been a heck of a lot better for him to say "I can't be friends with you and talk to you for a while because we need to process this breakup". But honestly, that very rarely happens. Breakups are hard on dumpers too -- they realize that they are really hurting the other person and don't have the heart/guts/moxie to be completely blunt and honest about everything. They tell you things to try to soften the blow and hope that you can figure the rest out. While it's not cool that he filled you with false hope, the fact that you took so much false hope out of a cliche' "let's be friends" statement confirms why he's being so evasive with you right now.

 

He shouldn't have to say "I can't be friends right now". His actions should be enough to deliver that statement loud and clear. Words are cheap, actions are what matters. It sucks that he's being evasive, but it is what it is. Instead of screaming at the sky hoping he'll act in a way you deem correct, use the fact that he hasn't to move forward. You can't control how other people act, just how you react to their actions. Use this as inspiration to move forward to something better, not to dwell on something that sucks.