Great BF, then why am I interested in other guys so much?

[strzeznik]

Hi everyone, I know I'm only a guest here, but I hope you won't hold that against me!

 

I've been in a steady relationship for 3 years with a really great guy who's the nicest and most understanding guy you could imagine. However, he's also the kinda guy who's very satisfied with what he's got, whilst I'm the type to want to go and experience everything. So even though I like him a lot, I find myself having crushes on other guys, though I prevent them from becoming anything more serious. I know it's a bit wrong, but I can't seem to control it. Fortunately it doesn't happen often as I seem to have an apparent lack of taste in men and go for some really odd types.

 

However, in the last two months while doing some vacation work at a firm, my supervisor there happened to be one of those types. I'm 22 and he's 37. He's separated from his wife, has a young son, and he's living up the single life. He's very charismatic, very good looking, very smart, very odd and sports some sort of scent that makes my head spin. I doubt he'd ever see me as anything more that the "vacationer", but he has been telling me lots of personal stuff about himself. It's hard to think straight around him.

 

What I'd like to ask you guys is this - does this mean my current relationship is bad? Or is it normal for me to almost always have another "crush"? And how do I go about stopping a crush anyway? The only solution I've ever come up with is... get another one =P. Is having a crush on your supervisor 15 years your senior totally evil? Its just so difficult to think about because I'm afraid if I did leave my current boy (not simply because of my supervisor, but just in general), I'd regret it later. But since he's my first boyfriend ever, I'm afraid I'll regret not having tried out other guys and lived up the single life if I married him. We've talked about this and he says he understands that about me, so he's pretty much left the ball in my park. What should I do?

 

Sorry if the questions are all over the place, because that's where my head's at right now. Thanks for reading, and I welcome any advice at all!

 

Jenny

[CurlyIam]

Jenny, you're 22 and had one great relationship. But, od course, want to have fun. I think that you're clinging on to your relationship because you're afraid to take the risks that come along with having fun: no one to hold you, no emotional stability, etc. Yet, you still do go out and have your fun... even if it's innocent.

 

You've outgrown your relationship and fearing breaking up is very normal. Especaill when he's the first man in your life. But you also should do the right thing for you, which is to have the courrage to leave him.

 

It's not normal to have crushes on someone else than your bf. Feeling atracted to someone is natural, but crushes.. hum...

 

Besides, I think it's important to be honest to your bf. You probably don't want to hear this, but right now he's your safety net. Not fair to any one you. Not fait to you, because you're not living your life like you'd want to, not fair to him because you don't love him anymore.

 

 

 

Think about this.

 

oh and about your boss: be very carefull sweet heart. This man is a predator, just waiting to get his hands on you. HE saw you're weak and easy to influence. Stay away from him. Tell yourself :"he's married, he's married, he's married". That alone makes my stomach acke. You cannot verify that indeed he is separated from his wife, that indeed he's not trying to persuade her to come back, etc... it's a mess. Plus... he's old, LOOL!!!

 

Right now, your only worry would have to be where to go clubbin' next week . And that's not bad at all!

 

Have fun and be carefull! you don't want to be regretting anything later on.

 

Curly

[strzeznik]

Thanks for the advice Curly! I'm still trying to figure out if I'm throwing a perfectly fine BF away for dumb reasons, or if I really do need to get out there and experience more. Some people tell me I'd be hard-pressed to find a nicer guy. I wish I were as sure of myself as he is about me!

 

As for my boss... well, yeah I guess he's old =). He doesn't look it though! You're right, I should be careful...

[CurlyIam]

Please don't be mad at me, but you're talking about your bf as if he were a washing machine. Whi cares if he's nice and cool and funny and inlove if you don't feel the same about him? You're scared of being alone, and this is not love.

 

 

Do your knees melt when you see him? Do yu feel like making love to him when you see him in his new sexy tshirt? Do you? Do you feel your heart acke when thinking of the incertainity of tomorrow?

 

 

Don't lie to yourself. You got used to him. HE's a nice "property", not a hot bf. Maybe you'd be happier actually letting him go and enjoying your freedom, without feeling guilty... Do you feel guilty when flirting with other guys? I'm sure than not too much... again, because he's not that much to you... Trust me, it's a great world out there. But do it right.

 

 

And about your boss: I'm sure that physicall he doesn't show it, but menthally... when doing things, when talking to him... he realised he's not gonna be young forever, so he's taking advantage of everything around him: sun, free time, silly young girls ready to fall for him... He's not enjoying the moment. He's premeditating it.

 

I don't think I'm that far off as far as he's concerned. !just be really carefull! At least, if you ever fall for this guy, you know what to expect.

 

Cheers,

 

Curly

[spiralingmess]

[font=arial][/font][color=darkred][/color] Being into other guys is totally normal, but on the level you're describing you should take some time to be alone, not neccisarilly date time, but some time to yourself to find out what you're really looking for. You're boyfriend probably is a really great guy, and deep inside you don't want to hurt him, but you have to learn to be self full. Not being selfish, but be aware of what you need, and know that your feelings do not have to be justified, they just have to be yours. I hope I helped you, I think we've all been in your boat once before.

[SoleMate]

Curly's right.

 

The 37 year old boss is trying to set strzeznik up for a cheap affair. Please read The Other Woman forum on Loveshack to learn , firsthand, from women who have been there or are there, what it's like to be #2, in the shadows, on the side, "eating leftovers from another woman's plate".

 

Strzeznik, your bf is a great guy, but you are clinging to him for security/fear reasons, just like Curly said. If you were really truly in love and satisfied with him, you would NOT be having crushes and getting mesmerized by other men. Sure, you could still look and think that someone is attractive, but he would NOT consume your every thought 24/7.

 

If you were married, especially if you have kids, I would point you over to <URL removed> and encourage you to rebuild that compelling love with your partner. But you're not. You're young, you have only ever had one bf, and you're bored. Yes, you take a big risk of regretting it if you leave him. You also take a big risk of regretting it if you stay with him. And you're 100% certain to feel severe pain if you get involved with the married man.

 

So...here you go. You're an adult. You have choices, and chances, and dangers, and risks. You're the captain of your life, so go and lead the kind of life you want. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that there is an easy, no-risk path that keeps all your options open.

[strzeznik]

Thanks guys! I understand what you're all saying so I've thought a bit about how I feel about my guy. It's been over 3 years, so it would be normal for that initial rush to have subsided. However, we get along famously and are very intuned to each other and not 12 hours goes by that we don't talk, even after 3 years. Am I being stupid for wanting to leave that behind? Actually, I'm not even sure I want to... we tried to "break up temporarily" but that only lasted 12 hours before we both succumbed and started talking again cuz we missed each other too much. I just sometimes get itchy feet and start checking other guys out, but I don't know if that's good enough reason to throw away a strong relationship. I guess I miss flirting a bit, because I didn't get much of that before I met my current boy. You're probably right - I need some time to myself with no guys around to distract me.

 

And I get what you guys are saying about my boss. I know its wrong on SO many levels . Why did he have to be so cute with exactly the type of wierd personality I like!

[Cecelius]

I think the answer is that you're 22, and that's why you feel as you do. Just make sure you treat the b/f in a classy way on your way out (ie, don't cheat, don't make him figure out you're not into him anymore), just lay it out that you want to be free to date other people, experience other men's attention, but you still want to be with him).

[billybadass36]

I agree. There's nothing wrong with wanting to "experience" dating other men. You're 22 years old and have only had this one relationship. You're going to live a long time. You are only in your early 20's once in your life. Live life, see what's out there if that's what you want to do, but you owe it to the guy that's given you 3 years of his life to be straight with him. After 3 years together you should be able to have a meaningful discourse about where you are, where you've been, and where you want to go in life be it together or apart.

 

Be as good a person as you can while trying to experience all there is out there the world has to offer you. One of two things will happen: you'll get out there, experience the "dating" scene for a while and realize how good you really had it with the long-term bf, and you'll try to get back with him (if he's ready for that), or you'll get out there, enjoy your new found freedom, and maybe even find a new guy that's more in line with what you think you should be with. Do NOT, however, go after a coworker, let alone a superior of yours at work. That would be wrong on a lot of levels, and that's better addressed elsewhere.

 

When I was 22 I thought the girl I was with was the one I was going to be with forever. I thank her a million times over that she decided to call off our engagement (after two years of being together) because that allowed me to go out and experience the "single" life for a while (almost too long), and now I'm with the "right" woman. The one I was meant to share my life with. I know this might be off your initial topic, but I think anyone that's 22 and only been in one serious relationship is missing out on a big part of being a young adult in this world. Just a thought.