Visitation and the girlfriend

[Raena]

OK, so I'm a complete moron.

 

Many people on here have told me to make sure I go to court to set visitation and child support and all that and I haven't done it yet.

 

I foolishly believed that my ex and I could come up with a decent parenting plan on our own without the intervention of the court system but he proved me wrong today.

 

6 months ago he and I split up because I found out he was cheating on me. He moved directly in with the OW. He didn't see his son for quite awhile because he was out of town for work (3 months gone). He returned 2 1/2 months ago and hasn't seen his child but once in that time period. The plan was that he was to wait to introduce this gf to our son. The agreement was that he could come see him anytime he wanted without her. He chose not to do so. He hardly ever called him and saw him only once for a movie in the past 2 1/2 months, truth be told, he's only seen him a total of 5 times since he moved out.

 

After listening to my son cry himself to sleep every night about how much he misses his father I finally decided to let go of my issues with the gf being around. He and I texted back and forth and came up with an agreement that I thought would work for us both. Every other weekend, from 8 am saturday morning to 8 pm sunday night and he was to not work during the time that he has his child. I was very specific about it. I also stated that I'd like for us to meet somewhere in between, alone. I specifically asked that he not bring the gf with him and that he was to not leave him alone with her. He told me that he has a bed for him and is all set to have him come and agreed to everything I said. He made some stipulations of his own, and I agreed to them. I didn't force this on him, he agreed to everything that was said.

 

Well, I go to pick up our son this evening...

 

The girlfriend was there with him... strike number one.

 

My son looked very upset and clung to me like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I know he misses me when we aren't together and he always hugs me when he sees me (when I pick him up from the babysitters after school every day and when he comes back from spending time at his grandparents house), but he clung to me like I was a life raft in a pitching sea.

 

As soon as we get going down the road he starts telling me all about everything that happened...

 

"Mommy, he left me alone with her all day while he went to work both days. He wasn't there and when he was there, he didn't pay any attention to me. He left me alone with her and he lied to me about having a bedroom waiting for me, he made me sleep on the couch."

 

That stupid S.O.B finally gets time to spend some time with his child and he chooses to go to work instead. Mind you... working on the weekends is not mandatory for him at his job. He does it because he makes overtime pay. Ok, that's fine, but when he's supposed to be with his child, he should be spending time with his child.. not going off to work and leaving her alone with him all day.... and to do it on the very first time he meets this girl is just ludicrous.

 

I'm so mad right now there is steam coming out of my ears. He went against EVERYTHING that we agreed upon.

 

Even better, when I asked him if he was coming to our son's IEP meeting in a couple days... he floundered around about it and finally said "Yeah, I suppose I should go to that"

 

UGH!!!!

 

So yeah, immediately after work tomorrow I will be stopping by the court house to try and figure out how to get the paperwork started for a custody agreement. There is absolutely NO reason for him to leave her alone with our child for 8 hours a day while he goes to work. NO REASON!

 

And in the meantime... he won't be going back there again.

 

How could he be so STUPID! and why didn't I listen???

 

This is SO hard!

 

Ok, rant over... now if anyone has any other words of wisdom for me... please do share.

 

Am I overreacting? Or do I have every right to be upset?

[Raena]

Oh, I forgot to add this too... he told our son to lie to me... told him not to tell me that he left him alone with the girlfriend all weekend, that it was their secret. My son was very, very upset. I've spent a great deal of time telling him that he can tell me anything and that he is to always tell the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Reading your update is extremely upsetting and makes my blood boil for you and your son as well. What an A-hole your ex is. Shame on him, his behaviour and what he's done is disgusting!

 

Time to lawyer up and settle this. You get full custody and he can have 'supervised' visits with his son in your presence, no girlfriend allowed.

 

I am sorry that your son is hurting.

[Raena]

I'm sorry that he is hurting too. I really thought for sure that his father would go out of his way to make this weekend special for the two of them since he hasn't seen him in awhile.

 

I was so wrong. Poor kid was so upset he was yelling and crying most of the way home. He's so smart... he told me that he thinks his father is selfish but that he did what I asked him to do... be respectful.

 

Poor kid. He couldn't fall asleep tonight either. 2 am and he was still tossing and turning. Heck it's 4 am for me and I can't sleep either I'm so upset.

 

I don't understand how his father could be so stupid. Be mad at me, be a complete jackwad to me, I don't care, I'm over his bullcrap and it doesn't bother me like it used to, but don't ignore our son. He didn't ask for any of this to happen. He's just an innocent little boy who wants to be loved by his father.

[whichwayisup]

Explain to your son that daddy does love him but right now daddy has issues that he needs to work on so it would be best and in his best interest not to see his dad much until he sorts things out. Try to be positive about it, though really there isn't much to be positive about. Your ex, his dad is a real f,ukhead!! Shame on him!

[Tayla]

The incidence sounds unfortunate for the child. Legal documents to set ground rules are important. Lesson learned. Get it in writing and file for sole guardianship. Otherwise he can by all means hightail it out of town and take the youngster with him. There will be time for "fairness" after the ground rules are established. The rules go both ways. Be civil and always keep the childs interest in the forefront.

[turnera]

Every time my DD23's dad would do something harmful or dysfunctional, I would explain to her that he has his problems but he loves her like crazy. That he just sees things differently and that's not bad, just different. And I gave her ways to cope with it and not take it personally. Today, she's very aware of his shortcomings but she still loves him to death, I think because I helped her see this about him. Sounds like your son needs more of this.

[littleplanet]

Well, for the sake of your child, it sounds like time to put your house in order.

Sole custody, and strict ground rules.

Your ex doesn't sound at all like he's ready to man up and be a father.

 

As much as your son misses his father, needs his father...........he doesn't need that kind of crap.

 

But don't beat yourself up. That's just counter-productive. You tried your best, and it didn't work.

Sounds like your ex is far more interested in his work and his gf than he is in his son.

Hopefully one day he wakes up (before it's too late) but in the meantime - you need to protect your son.

 

It's always a tough thing for a kid - to have a parent that doesn't care.

But always remember: You're the one who does care. You're the one who is there for him. As he goes through this - he'll need you more than ever. That's fine.

Right now you are the one big giant constant thing in his life.

 

And for those reasons, you need to run your own show, and keep it consistent.

The co-parent isn't capable of that right now.

 

You're not over-reacting. You're just doing what comes natural. You love your child.

[loversquarrel]

I hate to be a Debbie Downer for you but there isn't much you can do. The court will order him to pay child support, he gets visitation rights and full shared custody with you getting actual physical custody, it is pretty standard. Unless there is a proven pattern of abuse (Which your post does not indicate), then you can not bar him from visitation with his child, if you do you could open yourself up to contempt of court charges. You are also not allowed to interfere with each others lives - this includes girlfriends and boyfriends. Now, if it is true and can be proven that he barely sees his child and fails to pay child support, then he can get himself into trouble for abandonment - which could effect the outcome of how often he gets visitation. The courts generally do not care for the welfare of the parents, their interest lies in the interests of the child.

[Omei]

Leaving your son with a stranger this other woman surely isn't acceptable for visitation rules? Doesn't the father have to be present?

[todreaminblue]

my ex and i avoided going through the court system as we have mutual respect and resolve as parents apart by interstate actually.He has any time access i have full custodial care always have

 

I have a private agreement where he pays me less than what is stated from the child support agency, that is fine with me, because they dont often take into consideration personal and financial responsibilities of said supporter

 

for the stance i took and my refusal to take advice on spousal support due to common law legal stands on his abandonment, i have developed an honest and trustworthy and mutually responsible plan that is best for the children best for me, best for him and his gf and best for any partner that i have in the future to come into my life and understand parenting responsibility against parents selfish, self fulfilling behaviors.

 

I have trust in other words that to me is important to instil in our children as we all grow together. As now my children know i would nto introduce any partner who couldnt be trusted as they trust i am not self serving by nature or design....and believe me it works i am not a pushover i am a bulldog with this plan and what money i dont get , i get priceless and irreplaceable trust, i advocate on his behalf to the child support agency which in turn leaves us in peace and resolve.

 

good luck hope i have offered some ideas and a resolve to work out your own plan and not leave it in anothers hands to determine your families future happiness...

Edited June 9, 2014 by todreaminblue