This Sucks

[McSpudd]

Hello All,

 

I am new to this site. I have read a number of posts here and I found the quality of advice to be good (for an online forum )

 

I apologize upfront for incoming wall of text. I have never written about this or discussed it with anyone other than my wife.

 

My situation is this. When my wife and I were first dating there was a couple of "incidents" with her and other guys. We were both in college and met during spring term. We dated through spring term and then she went on a trip to Germany with her mom for four weeks. I "definitely" thought we were in a relationship, but of course she didn't. Turns out she engaged in sexual activities with a German dude while she was on her trip. She actually made the trip to see him (she went to high school with him). When she got back from her trip to Germany she went to stay with her parents for a few weeks and while there she hooked up and engaged in sexual activities with a "surfer dude", her words, not mine.

 

When I found out about these two incidents I was very upset. I was a virgin, she was kinda a virgin when we began to date. In fact she was my first girlfriend. she swore up and down that she hadn't engaged in full intercourse, just BJs and fingerbanging (same stuff we had done). It really messed me up inside. I had all the classic problems of someone who was cheated on (constant images playing in my head, lost weight, a lot of problems with my studies). I am very self controlled and keep things internalized. We talked about this and I tried to break up with her twice after she came back (to the same geographic area as me). I was 18 (she was 19) and long story short I did not break up with her. She told me she was sorry, she didn't really think we were on a break when she visited her friend in Germany, and I told her I forgave her. I have forgiven her. I have not referenced the problem or talked to her about it for 11 years. I think people call this method of dealing with their problems "rug-sweeping." Also, and I don't know if this is important, but I know that if she had not returned to the same town that I was in she would not have pursued a relationship with me, I was convenient.

 

We dated for two years, and then married. We have been married for ten years. I have a beautiful two year old son and we expect our next child (a son) to be born in September of this year! I love being a father and I think my wife is an excellent mother.

 

The problem I have is that whenever I sit down and think about my relationship with my wife those feelings of pain, anger, and I am ashamed to say it, regret, come back. I definitely feel like I was a second choice based on some things she has said and how she treated me during that time period. I know that she "chose" me, but I was a good choice from a purely "long range" perspective at the time.

 

Currently my wife is extremely happy with the marriage. She does not work outside the home. I take her on trips, buy her things, and spend every hour I am not working with her and my son. We are both Christians, and we both enjoy outdoors and exercise. When I am home I work long days, but I am able to see my family every night and on weekends (I work longer hours during the day so that I don't have to bring work home with me).

I am in the Military and I am deployed right now. While stateside I avoid thinking about my relationship with my wife by keeping myself busy, however I am four months into a year-long tour, downtime happens, and I started thinking about my relationship.

 

I would like advice from someone who has had a similar experience to mine. How do you deal with the raw emotions when something stupid triggers them? Does the fact that my wife cheated on me before marriage mean that I have to worry about her cheating now? She is jealous of any female that talks to me, but I am not jealous of her, and she does not have male friends. It has been a long time since the cheating (12 years). I trust her completely, but when I read articles about cheating they say it is more likely to happen again if it happened once.

 

As far as my options I can think of four (two are not viable):

 

1. Divorce = No, she is way to good for me to do something that stupid and hurt her or my children. I do not think she has been unfaithful since we have been married. I have forgiven her, forgetting is my problem.

 

2. Me cheating or doing some kind of revenge open relationship thing= No, I have made it through our relationship without cheating, it is not ethical to cheat (it is a sin), it would hurt my family, I won't do it.

 

3. Talk to her about it = Dicey, she is pregnant, I am away, I haven't said anything about this in years. When I hurt I internalize. I'm open to the idea, but keep in mind it would be over the phone and long distance deep conversations can be miss-interpreted.

 

4. Suck it up = I can do it, but it really bothers me. I don't think internalizing is all that healthy. I still get that knife in the gut feeling when I think about what happened. The thing is, after time has passed its not images I have problems with, its the fact that I was the second choice and I allowed myself to be the second choice.

 

I am hoping for some better options from the community.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my wall of text.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Well structured post - you have thought about this.

 

I am afraid to say, it's option 4.

 

It would bother me too. But reasons for taking that option are

-You don't otherwise describe her as self centred in your marriage.

-it was long ago, do you want to remind her of this?

-she is pregnant. Do you wish to distress her now?

 

I think, you are not entirely sure you can trust her. Not a good feeling.

Is she untrustworthy or disrespectful of your feelings or at other times overly selfish now ?

[tiff1234]

Honestly, the only thing you can do is talk to her if it's been this long and you're still worried about it. No one can make you feel better about it the way she can. Also that was years ago, if you were the second choice, I'm sure you haven't been for a very long time. My "first love" I dated once and it was very short lived and I didn't really care for him but a year later when we got together, I loved him more than life. It's been 4 years and I still miss things about that relationship. My point is, if you were a second choice then that means absolutely nothing now. From a woman's point of view, I went into a relationship out of convenience once and it ended up being one of the best relationships of my life and for a long time, there was no one I'd pick over him. You shouldn't let it bother you (easier said than done, I know. I'm someone who would let something like that bother me for a long time too) but honestly, even if you were it's been years and in those years you've been #1. No one else has gotten the love from your wife that you have. No one else has come close to you. Just remember that. If you talk to her about just be sure not to come across as resentful or angry because that could make her defensive. How long until you're back with her? You could use the time being away as the reason why these things have started bothering you to the point you felt the need to talk about it. Let her know that it doesn't affect how much you love her and it's nothing too serious but it's something that's been in the back of your mind from time to time and you just wanted to talk about it, so you don't have to wonder anymore.

[BHsigh]

I say #4 with a good healthy dose of IC. She's been faithful and good to you in your marriage, she assumed that you have already forgiven her and worked this out, so yes, IC, you need it.

 

Back when you were 18 I would have advised you to leave her, mainly for this reason, it was a bad start to a relationship, a very bad start that you will always remember. It's one thing do deal with reconciliation when you have years together, and kids, and a house etc., it's another thing entirely when it's been such a short relationship.

 

I advise anyone else in the same position that you were in when you were 18 to just leave.

[McSpudd]

BHsigh and TiredFamilyGuy,

 

Thank you for the quick response. I concur. Still hope someone comes out of left field with an awesome'r' idea though. IC is iffy at the moment. I am in the Military and I have to be very careful about anything related to counseling ever being associated with my name.

 

tiff1234,

 

I agree that communication with my wife is important. I like your example of convenience =/ second choice. There were a couple of conversations with my wife early on (still GF at time) that left a very strong impression of "second choiceness" for our relationship. At other times she apologized and said I wasn't numero dos, but the facts unequivocally support me being #2. Again, this all happened a long time ago.

 

I think I will talk with my wife a little while after I return from deployment. I will be deployed until Jan15 so its a while. Thank you for your advice.

[McSpudd]

TFG,

 

You asked about my wife's concern for my feelings or being overly selfish.

 

She is not a very selfish person. Honestly she does not go crazy with money, things, or such. The only thing is is selfish about is me spending time with her. I don't think that is such a bad thing.

 

She respects my feelings for the most part. There where two extremely stressful situations (work related) during the last year. These were quite serious, but she didn't understand why I was upset. It took a long time for me to explain why I was upset to her. Unfortunately, I did blow up and yell in the car on the way to a marriage retreat when she kept pestering me about spending time with her and I was worried about a potential liability of $30G. That was an ironic situation.

[mrs rubble]

You've picked option 5- "Talk to the crew on LS!":)

I think as you are deployed and alone, you've got more time and reason to dwell on these things.

It sounds like you have a fantastic marriage otherwise.

Hopefully chatting here will help you to feel better.

Concentrate on the positive in the meantime, like the up-coming arrival.

[not-so-sure]

Gawd, I've mentioned this before so I don't want to sound like a shill, but the human mind is constantly bombarded by negative thoughts. My psychologist put me onto Russ Harris.

 

Philip Glennie (London, ON, Canada)'s review of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

 

I have improved immensely since taking on this read. You're in a situation that you want to make better. The principles within this book have improved my mindset considerably. In short, your thoughts are transient things which you can't control. However you can control your response to them, esp the negative ones and over time their influence will diminish.

 

You can buy it as an ebook for ten bucks.