Where can the confidence come from?

[DudeMan27]

I don't think I've disliked myself as much as I did this weekend. I was in a friends wedding this weekend, and when I was asked to be in it 8 months ago I swore to myself I would be in better shape so I can look good at the wedding. Of course I didn't fulfill that promise to myself. There was this really good looking girl who I know that was on the brides side, and I was hoping for the longest time that I'd be paired up with her. We both know each other and have the same friends but have never ever hung out in a social situation. I've never really had a crush on this girl or anything, but I would definitely date her if I had the chance.

 

This girl is kind of like me. We're the same age and both have been single for the longest time. Friday at the rehearsal I find out I'm paired up with her. I was thrilled. I spent the night talking myself up, telling myself to just be confident, talk to her, and show her the side of you that all your friends see, because we'd be around each other the entire day. Long story short we exchanged a couple hello's when we walked down the aisle and that was pretty much it. Most of the reception I was talking to everybody, having a great time, except her. She spent a lot of the night sitting at the other end of the table playing with kids or on her phone. I just could not bring myself to go talk to her. It was the perfect opportunity. I don't even know if its fear or rejection, or what. I guess its because we know so many of the same people, and we've never really hung out before, I would feel foolish showing any interest if there was none on her end. I was hoping for the bridal dance we're the couples in the wedding party all dance together, but the DJ didn't do that.

 

Thing is now I think I have a pretty big crush on this girl. We were the only people in the party that we'rent married, and whether true or not I feel like the bride paired us up for a reason. I cant see another situation where we'd run into each other and talk where I could possibly gage if there was any interest on her end. I cant just message her on facebook or something, that'd be lamer than the crap I pulled this weekend.

 

Thing is, I just don't understand why I think the way I do. Around my friends I'm funny, outgoing, etc. Almost all day during the wedding I just wasn't myself and quiet because of this girl. I see guys show interest in girls and get shot down all the time, but for me, I was just so scarred to look foolish or look like I thought just because we were paired up that she liked me or something. I spent the whole day thinking I looked awful and theres no way she could go for me. Everyone else was having fun with their partners, but I barely spoke to mine. I know I judge myself WAY harsher than anyone else, but I don't know how to stop. I mean this wasn't just being nervous around a girl, I almost completely shut down. And I spent the rest of the weekend depressed it, and I'm not even sure I had a chance in the first place, but I feel I let a good opportunity slip by.

[IDK123]

I'm not really in a position to give advice, but one thing I've been doing recently is, every morning after waking up, I recite something self-encouraging that I've written, out loud. The key is out loud.

 

Something like:

 

"I can be confident.

I can be myself.

I can be outgoing...

etc

 

By saying it out loud, you're consciously accepting it, and by repeating it every morning, you're consciously putting it into your subconscious mindset.

It feels corny as hell saying it out loud, but it really does help.

[Shepp]

I I cant just message her on facebook or something, that'd be lamer than the crap I pulled this weekend.

 

Why? If you want to see her make it happen, or at least try - she's not gonna knock on your door!

 

What's the worst that can happen, she knocks you back and you think you looked lame? ...is that really any lamer than sitting around wanting to talk to someone and not cause you might just look a fool?

 

Confidence doesn't mean you never look like a fool - just that you know life goes on past falling flat on your face!

 

 

Who knows, she might just say yes? Up to u to decide if that's worth the risk?

[DudeMan27]

You are right and thanks for the advice everyone. There really is no reason not to go for it. But after barely speaking to her at the wedding only to send a facebook message later seems kind of weak. I mean, I don't deny I have serious self confidence issues. Just in the past year or so I had two girls that turned out liked me, nothing materialized but I always tell myself after stuff like that to realize just because I think one way doesn't mean a girl does. I didn't think either of these girls would think I was attractive and it turns out they both liked me.

 

My best friend was always really awkward with girls his whole life. Only had 1 girlfriend going into our mid 20s and ended up having a kid with her. Hes not the best looking guy, but he liked a cute girl that we went to high school with an pursued her. Now this is a guy that didn't have a good job at the time, a 4 year old with another women, and on top of that the mother is/was a complete psycho and always causing him trouble in which he'd have to contact police and lawyers from time to time. That's a lot of baggage at the time, and here they are getting married next week.

 

This girl is really nice so its not like she'd go around making fun of me for asking her out or anything. I don't even know where this came from. I've known her for a while, always thought she was attractive, but never had any interest in ever dating her, now in the days since the wedding I've been thinking about her a ton. I just would feel a lot better if I spoke to her more and could get any kind of signal. But I do know I need to make a decision soon because if I let this linger its going to hurt worse if she's not interested.

[Shepp]

There really is no reason not to go for it. But after barely speaking to her at the wedding only to send a facebook message later seems kind of weak.

 

You don't have to ask her out in the first message - just talk to her! I don't see what you have to lose?

 

Shes going to think "oh that's a message from DudeMan27" not "oh that's a message from DudeMan27 I wonder why he didn't speak to me at the wedding" ...your overthinking it.

[Valen]

True confidence comes from success. People can try and fake confidence but they are only fooling themselves. What you need isn't confidence but courage. You need to have courage to just go for it and not worry about the outcome. Once you fail, you learn from the mistakes so that it will increase your chance for success. If you don't give up, you will succeed. Then success will breed confidence. But it all starts with having courage.

[mea_M]

Honestly, confidence is an inside job. How you think about yourself is everything. Best thing you can do and please trust me big time here. Stop thinking or worrying about how others see you. Have enough courage to Roar and just be you. And that's that! My best to you.

 

Mea :-)

[DudeMan27]

Honestly, confidence is an inside job. How you think about yourself is everything. Best thing you can do and please trust me big time here. Stop thinking or worrying about how others see you. Have enough courage to Roar and just be you. And that's that! My best to you.

 

Mea :-)

 

I have tried. Even when I was talking myself up Friday night I was telling myself just that. Fake it til you make it. But just being in the group all day I didn't feel comfortable with myself at all. And the few times we did talk, when we walked down the aisle and when we were waiting to be introduced, I feel I was short and quiet and didn't see much interest from her. Its really something I need to work on. I am great around certain people or certain groups of friends. Outgoing and funny and fun. But Saturday I just folded.

[DudeMan27]

Thanks again all. I really think I'm going to make the jump soon. At the very least, I have a bunch of friends that know her and are closer to her than I am, I could see what they think. I just need to figure out how to go about it. We had a trolley to drive us around town for the wedding pictures and such and she knew our driver as he took a fitness class of hers recently. My other friend is getting married next weekend and asked the driver if he was open. He told us his name and to request him. I could ask her his name again and just say we forgot, opening the communication, but if nothing comes from that and then I ask her out it'll be obvious I just did that to talk to her.

 

Another thing that I saw today, but I'm not going to over think is ... I went to a friends facebook today to copy some of the pictures from the reception, and there was a photo of her and the girl in question. I noticed the girl was wearing a ring on her left ring finger that night. I know she certainly isn't engaged and just 2 weeks ago she posted some article to twitter and made a comment about "this is why I sometimes feel blessed to be single" I know a ring on the left hand isn't the be all end all, and some girls do that, but just thought that was odd. That's why I thought maybe talking to friends first that are closer to her.

[M30USA]

After you get slammed and roughed up enough in life, you stop caring about inconsequential things. That's where confidence comes from.

[VeronicaRoss]

You're having a good time with friends and she's playing with kids and looking at her phone? Sounds like if anyone has the confidence problem it's her. If she wasn't interacting with other adults she probably is far more shy than you are and would probably have loved to have been rescued or have anyone over 10 show some interest in her.

 

It sounds like you don't have much empathy developed, the quality of putting yourself in another's place and responding emotionally to it with concern or joy. And having empathy and doing things to help others is so much easier to fake at first than confidence. You will probably need to fake it at first and hopefully you'll find you really do think about others and how they are feeling. You were so focused on what you felt instead of seeing her situation and wanting to help her out.

 

You could have rescued her from that by asking her to join the conversations and fun you were having, you wouldn't have had to sit there and talk together. That would have been admirable crush or no, to think of others. And trust me, women notice that kind of behavior in others and admire it.

 

People like people who pay attention to them, seem to enjoy their company, seem to care about them. If you focus on other people (not just the ones you want to date) instead of how you feel you will find your problem solved.

Edited May 1, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[DudeMan27]

It wasn't really like that. She was dancing and having a good time too. She's pretty popular as she runs a fitness class in town that everyone does so she knows a ton of people. But like I said we were the only two single people in the wedding party so there were times where she just sat down in her seat at the other end of the table like me. I actually had thought we would be seated next to each other for dinner, and I could at least have more chances to talk to her, but that turned out not to be the case. I was really counting on that as my opportunity rather than just sititng next to her uninvited at the reception or something. Thought we'd be eating together and there was supposed to be a bridal party dance that the dj ended up skipping.

[Shepp]

It wasn't really like that. She was dancing and having a good time too. She's pretty popular as she runs a fitness class in town that everyone does so she knows a ton of people. But like I said we were the only two single people in the wedding party so there were times where she just sat down in her seat at the other end of the table like me. I actually had thought we would be seated next to each other for dinner, and I could at least have more chances to talk to her, but that turned out not to be the case. I was really counting on that as my opportunity rather than just sititng next to her uninvited at the reception or something. Thought we'd be eating together and there was supposed to be a bridal party dance that the dj ended up skipping.

 

For future reference, this was your line bud - get up while others are dancing, ask her if the chair next to her was taken & "I feel like I'm the only single person here tonight" she'd of told you me too or whatever and you'd of had your in.

 

But whatever, cant rue missed chances, just focus on your next move!

[DudeMan27]

Appreciate all the advice everyone. I was in another friends wedding this past weekend, and as it turns out during the rehearsal dinner I was sitting next to the bride and groom (from the previous wedding with this girl in question) and my friend out of nowhere says this girl was interested in me. I didn't even know what to say. I tried to play it so cool lol. I just asked when did this happen and they said at the wedding she told her friend she was interested. I just said we should all go out sometime and just left it at that. I meant to get more info over the weekend but with all the wedding hoopla it slipped my mind. Convo went something like

 

my friend: Oh yeah, I was supposed to tell you, altho Im sure not like this, but ______ is interested in you"

 

his wife was like "Yeah, you weren't supposed to say it like THAT"

 

not sure what that meant but after all this worrying I did, and here I had no idea that that night this girl was approaching the bride to have her husband let me know she's interested. Funny how things turn out. If this doesn't help my confidence then I'm probably a lost cause lol. Cause I was about as down on myself as I've been after that weekend.

[Brenda G. Hansen]

I do not think that confidence can come out of nothing. I think you need to make sure that you slowly build up and get yourself to a place where you are happier than you were a day before. I wish they made confidence in a can but unfortunately, it is just something you slowly grow yourself.

[littleplanet]

Well OP,

I'd say the thing you're most pissed off about - is that you just didn't go for it.

The worst that could have happened, is a snub. Instead, you're kicking yourself for not giving it the old college try.

 

But still.....the circumstance was what it was. That's an environment that creates its own kind of pressure.

How tragic - if she spent the entire time hoping you'd make that supreme gesture - only you didn't know.

It's a tough one. I'm used to things being pretty well obvious, interest-wise.

Given what was going on.....this could have been a good moment.

 

All that being said - all that psyching yourself up beforehand....maybe you ended up psyching yourself right out.

 

So it was a missed chance. But is that all there is? No more chance?

If you could find yourself in a social situation where you get to shine the way you describe....in her company as well - who knows? Maybe that tips the iceberg.

I'd seriously consider it.

 

Hmmm. Read your last post. Seriously? Turns out she had her eye on you all the while?

Go immediately to your bathroom mirror:

Look yourself straight in the eye.

Say out loud to yourself that you are NOT a lost cause.

Then yell it.

After you've done all that, have a real good laugh.

Then go get her, dude.

It's all up to you.

(She'll fill in the rest when you get that far.)

Good luck!

[Potz4prez]

And before you do... go ask out 10+ other girls to get used to it. That's how you get confidence.

 

Getting hung up on this one girl is just going to psych you out.

[DudeMan27]

Well OP,

I'd say the thing you're most pissed off about - is that you just didn't go for it.

The worst that could have happened, is a snub. Instead, you're kicking yourself for not giving it the old college try.

 

But still.....the circumstance was what it was. That's an environment that creates its own kind of pressure.

How tragic - if she spent the entire time hoping you'd make that supreme gesture - only you didn't know.

It's a tough one. I'm used to things being pretty well obvious, interest-wise.

Given what was going on.....this could have been a good moment.

 

All that being said - all that psyching yourself up beforehand....maybe you ended up psyching yourself right out.

 

So it was a missed chance. But is that all there is? No more chance?

If you could find yourself in a social situation where you get to shine the way you describe....in her company as well - who knows? Maybe that tips the iceberg.

I'd seriously consider it.

 

Hmmm. Read your last post. Seriously? Turns out she had her eye on you all the while?

Go immediately to your bathroom mirror:

Look yourself straight in the eye.

Say out loud to yourself that you are NOT a lost cause.

Then yell it.

After you've done all that, have a real good laugh.

Then go get her, dude.

It's all up to you.

(She'll fill in the rest when you get that far.)

Good luck!

 

 

 

Believe me I am trying. I texted my friend last week to have his wife send me her number. I was ready to go for it. He said he would, and here I am I still haven't received any messages. So the over thinking side of me is saying maybe something happened and the interest isn't there anymore.

 

 

However (and I HATE myself for going this line of thinking because its so juvenile and highschool-ish) but this past week on Facebook, she sent me an invitation to like a page (some health food place she posted about the day before) and yesterday I checked in at a restaurant with my friends as sort of an inside joke and she liked it. She's never ever sent me requests or liked any of my posts in the past. So while I feel that stuff is really stupid to read in to, I'm still allowing myself to do it, because if the interest wasn't there she wouldn't want to seem like she was getting my attention like that. I was all about calling her once I got her number, but it doesn't look like my friends wife is sending it to me so I may just have to go the facebook message route. Its been over 3 weeks since we've been in that wedding together, and I don't want to drag this out. Ironically I would much rather just call her, but I'm not getting much help my way lol. Just not sure what to say.

[Targetlock]

Well OP,

I'd say the thing you're most pissed off about - is that you just didn't go for it.

The worst that could have happened, is a snub. Instead, you're kicking yourself for not giving it the old college try.

 

But still.....the circumstance was what it was. That's an environment that creates its own kind of pressure.

How tragic - if she spent the entire time hoping you'd make that supreme gesture - only you didn't know.

It's a tough one. I'm used to things being pretty well obvious, interest-wise.

Given what was going on.....this could have been a good moment.

 

All that being said - all that psyching yourself up beforehand....maybe you ended up psyching yourself right out.

 

So it was a missed chance. But is that all there is? No more chance?

If you could find yourself in a social situation where you get to shine the way you describe....in her company as well - who knows? Maybe that tips the iceberg.

I'd seriously consider it.

 

Hmmm. Read your last post. Seriously? Turns out she had her eye on you all the while?

Go immediately to your bathroom mirror:

Look yourself straight in the eye.

Say out loud to yourself that you are NOT a lost cause.

Then yell it.

After you've done all that, have a real good laugh.

Then go get her, dude.

It's all up to you.

(She'll fill in the rest when you get that far.)

Good luck!

 

I've tried the mirror trick before as a rather aggressive form of positive reinforcement and yes it works most of the time. and yes give it a proper go, I sometimes wonder about that girl i wish i asked out and you don't want that, that regret sucks

[littleplanet]

Well now - sometimes social media just ain't so......"social."

(In the good old days, when you knew someone's last name, you just drifted into the white pages, found their number, and called them.)

And yes-

Trust your instincts. Time is of the essence. Strike while the iron's hot.

So any old way you can do it..................

 

What you need is face to face contact. Eye language. Facial expressions.

Words on a page are so lame.

If you make the effort to create a meetup - and she knows how hard you tried (and she's leaning your way, anyway...) she'll be impressed.

 

For gawd's sake - DON"T psyche yourself out! Do not read anything into anything. Do not consult stars, tea leaves or any other witch's brew of deeper meanings.....let it be until you actually have a chance to meet face to face (or at least talk on the phone.)

If you've heard through the grapevine that she actually happens to like you (and this is correct information) you don't have to do anything more to 'make' her like you........this chore has already been performed.

The next step is to just relax..................and let her find out why she likes you.

(She doesn't know why, yet.)

But be confident - that her impression wasn't wrong.

If your confidence level is zero - it only has one way to go......and that's up.

Faith! Go to it!

[Targetlock]

yep once you reach bottom the only way is up! believe me I've been there.

[Valen]

yep once you reach bottom the only way is up! believe me I've been there.

 

Not true, you can always bring a shovel and dig deeper.