am I in the wrong? bf is shady

[Cadenza]

First if all, I want to thank everyone who helped me with my first initial post. We ended up not splitting, but talking it out. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7-8 months. He's 23 and I am 18. Anyway, before we even started dating, he's been texting this girl A LOT. and he still does. Sometimes more than me I think. She's on his phone as "R" and she's the only contact with a picture on his phone. Anyway, he asked me to hold his phone since he has a flashlight app on there and to hold the light, and "R" texted him back. It said something like, "Okay I'll visit the boy sometime." anyway, I bit the bullet and end up looking. I know I shouldn't but I was so curious. Anyway, the first two texts looked something close to this :

R: psh you haven't had a chance with me

Bf: that's right I haven't had a chance with you.

..... (a little while later after talking then the texts go as follows:)

Bf: [R] if you come over its just gonna be you and me. Sheesh

R: And your gf too, right -_-

Bf: I wouldn't have one -_-

R: that's good. I may visit the boy then.

Bf: if you come over I have one condition

R: what

Bf: bring your handcuffs

 

 

I don't know why this this convo I saw is bothering me so much. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe they're joking? If they were then that'd be flirting? Does this mean if he has a chance with her he'd take it? How do a broach this subject since I technically snooped? Am I overreacting?

I really need some advice

Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal information

[mummyjonno]

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

 

what he has just told her is "if you gave me a chance I would dump my girlfriend"

 

Doesn't get much plainer than that. Run as fast as your legs will take you and then run double that again.

 

You deserve more and they deserve eachother

Edited April 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted quote

[Frank2thepoint]

Confront your boyfriend about it. Ask him why is he flirting with another girl, and also thinking about dumping you. Regardless of what lies or excuses he uses, just break up with him on the spot.

[ktya]

what he has just told her is "if you gave me a chance I would dump my girlfriend"

 

Yup.

 

Given your age and his age you cannot go to bars or nightclubs and he can. I was in a similar situation once and TBH as much as I loved the girl at that age that was a problem. I didnt cheat on her or dump her but if the girl hes talking to is of legal drinking age I could see him making the switch.

[Cadenza]

Confront your boyfriend about it. Ask him why is he flirting with another girl, and also thinking about dumping you. Regardless of what lies or excuses he uses, just break up with him on the spot.

 

How would I confront or dump if technically I was snooping on his phone.... Which I shouldn't have been. How do I broach the subject?

[Cadenza]

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

 

what he has just told her is "if you gave me a chance I would dump my girlfriend"

 

Doesn't get much plainer than that. Run as fast as your legs will take you and then run double that again.

 

You deserve more and they deserve eachother

 

I think I will this time. I don't think I can get over this or out of my head, I have lots of guy friends.... But I am so confident that if he looks through my phone, he will never find anything of this like.

[Cadenza]

Yup.

 

Given your age and his age you cannot go to bars or nightclubs and he can. I was in a similar situation once and TBH as much as I loved the girl at that age that was a problem. I didnt cheat on her or dump her but if the girl hes talking to is of legal drinking age I could see him making the switch.

 

He doesn't really go out. He's gone out once or twice to a bar with his cousin since we've been together.

[mummyjonno]

It sounds like he's always wanted her and she wouldn't give him a shot.

 

Some people have "those people" and most often people don't do what your boyfriend has.

 

What an absolute insult! And did she go over with her cuffs in the end...

 

I wouldn't want my boyfriend within 100 yards of her.

[d0nnivain]

harmless flirtations with members of the opposite sex do not involved denials of existing relationships (or promises to dump current GFs) and do not mention handcuffs, with kinky sex implied.

 

 

Your BF is a cad. Sorry.

[mummyjonno]

I think I will this time. I don't think I can get over this or out of my head, I have lots of guy friends.... But I am so confident that if he looks through my phone, he will never find anything of this like.

 

 

You need too Hun. He is no good for you and you should have more respect for yourself than to tolerate that.

 

I would simply say - so I saw your texts with "R" I didn't like the content. Have a nice life with her and her cuffs and block him.

 

There are some lovely blokes out there, he isn't one of them the dirty creep!

 

Chin up and be strong.

[Cadenza]

It sounds like he's always wanted her and she wouldn't give him a shot.

 

Some people have "those people" and most often people don't do what your boyfriend has.

 

What an absolute insult! And did she go over with her cuffs in the end...

 

I wouldn't want my boyfriend within 100 yards of her.

I feel like crying. If she never gave him a shot, why the hell does she still text him like it's going out of style? When she knows he's with me? I want to confront him. I just don't know how since I was the one looking through his phone....

[Cadenza]

You need too Hun. He is no good for you and you should have more respect for yourself than to tolerate that.

 

I would simply say - so I saw your texts with "R" I didn't like the content. Have a nice life with her and her cuffs and block him.

 

There are some lovely blokes out there, he isn't one of them the dirty creep!

 

Chin up and be strong.

 

Only problem is I unfortunately work with him.... :/ I know... Stupid.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How would I confront or dump if technically I was snooping on his phone.... Which I shouldn't have been. How do I broach the subject?

 

Who cares?!?!?! Would you rather have not seen it and go on living a lie for many months or even years??

 

Will he get mad? Sure. Will he start accusing you of snooping or violating his privacy? Yep. And he'll probably start slinging a pile of insults at you when you confront him because HE GOT CAUGHT and now he's having to own up to his shenanigans!

 

In my opinion, he isn't owed anything apart from a pink slip. Let him go already. He's clearly not worth it.

 

Good luck.

[Frank2thepoint]

How would I confront or dump if technically I was snooping on his phone.... Which I shouldn't have been. How do I broach the subject?

 

I believe it was a fortuitous event bestowed on you to look at the text messages once your boyfriend handed over the phone to you. Think of it as a moment of clarity among the chaos. You weren't snooping because he handed the phone to you. It was placed in your hands. You did not take it behind his back. Regardless, you have proof that your boyfriend is not honest with you, and worst of all, he has no respect for you.

 

How do you broach the subject? Easy, just recount the events to him. Tell him how you came to the discover the truth, all within a few moments of holding his phone to shine the light on him. Hmm, I find that quite ironic actually.

[regine_phalange]

How tacky. You can send him a goodbye text: "Someone told me that you like handcuffs. You are fired. Don't even try to speak to me again.".

 

1) He won't do the blame-shifting thing

2) You will leave with your chin up

3) It will probably make them fight and mistrust each other

4) It will teach both a lesson for doing such things behind a nice person's back

[Cadenza]

I believe it was a fortuitous event bestowed on you to look at the text messages once your boyfriend handed over the phone to you. Think of it as a moment of clarity among the chaos. You weren't snooping because he handed the phone to you. It was placed in your hands. You did not take it behind his back. Regardless, you have proof that your boyfriend is not honest with you, and worst of all, he has no respect for you.

 

How do you broach the subject? Easy, just recount the events to him. Tell him how you came to the discover the truth, all within a few moments of holding his phone to shine the light on him. Hmm, I find that quite ironic actually.

 

But I work with him.... What do I do when he comes up to me at work?

[Cadenza]

How tacky. You can send him a goodbye text: "Someone told me that you like handcuffs. You are fired. Don't even try to speak to me again.".

 

1) He won't do the blame-shifting thing

2) You will leave with your chin up

3) It will probably make them fight and mistrust each other

4) It will teach both a lesson for doing such things behind a nice person's back

 

I guess I'm still living in the fantasy that if we talk, he'll magically come up with an explanation as to why and it was really harmless..... :/ it sucks since I'm in love with a douche bag... He works with me. We work together I don't know.... So I just break up without even talking about it?

[mummyjonno]

I feel like crying. If she never gave him a shot, why the hell does she still text him like it's going out of style? When she knows he's with me? I want to confront him. I just don't know how since I was the one looking through his phone....

 

 

I believe women like her simply like the attention. They don't want the guy but they love the attention they get from them but would never be with them.

 

You need to confront him - screw his phone. If you weren't suspicious you wouldn't have looked and their actions made you suspicious. His fault not yours.

 

Break it off and ignore him like the plague and don't ever date someone in the work place again.

 

Respecting yourself here is very much needed.

 

Time to grow some lady balls honey!

[mummyjonno]

I guess I'm still living in the fantasy that if we talk, he'll magically come up with an explanation as to why and it was really harmless..... :/ it sucks since I'm in love with a douche bag... He works with me. We work together I don't know.... So I just break up without even talking about it?

 

 

What's to talk about. He gave you doubt, you looked and he may as well be a cheating douchebag.

 

If she had turned up at his door with cuffs... I don't doubt for a second he would have used them.

 

Speak to your boss, explain what's going on (in case he kicks off at work) and avoid him like the plague.

 

He comes anywhere near you, you leave, ignore, tell him to bugger off.

 

He did wrong.

[Cadenza]

What's to talk about. He gave you doubt, you looked and he may as well be a cheating douchebag.

 

If she had turned up at his door with cuffs... I don't doubt for a second he would have used them.

 

Speak to your boss, explain what's going on (in case he kicks off at work) and avoid him like the plague.

 

He comes anywhere near you, you leave, ignore, tell him to bugger off.

 

He did wrong.

 

Is it wrong to break up via text? Only because if he calls or this is in person, I'll cry or break or something. Here's the text I was thinking about sending:

So, I need to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. While you asked me to hold your phone for you while you were grilling, I noticed someone texted you. It sounded quite sketchy and I couldn't help but to look. I should be sorry I looked through your conversation a little since I've never done that with anyone, but I had a gut feeling. My gut was correct. I am leaving you, you don't need to respond. You and R deserve one another. Have fun with her handcuffs. Do not talk to me unless it is business related only.

[regine_phalange]

Is it wrong to break up via text? Only because if he calls or this is in person, I'll cry or break or something. Here's the text I was thinking about sending:

So, I need to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. While you asked me to hold your phone for you while you were grilling, I noticed someone texted you. It sounded quite sketchy and I couldn't help but to look. I should be sorry I looked through your conversation a little since I've never done that with anyone, but I had a gut feeling. My gut was correct. I am leaving you, you don't need to respond. You and R deserve one another. Have fun with her handcuffs. Do not talk to me unless it is business related only.

 

I think it's wrong to breakup via text with someone who has treated you well. But in this case he hasn't, and you can do whatever makes you feel better. If you prefer to breakup in person, it's also okay. Probably better in this case, as you want to explain to him the reason.

[Always Pondering]

Wow that got me pissed off just reading your post. Please do dump him. Avoid him and rid him from your life from this day on, no matter what he says to you. And yes if he bothers you at work, talk to your boss/supervisor.

 

If I were you, I'd dump him without even /wanting/ to talk about it.

 

I'm sorry things turned out this way though.

[mummyjonno]

Is it wrong to break up via text? Only because if he calls or this is in person, I'll cry or break or something. Here's the text I was thinking about sending:

So, I need to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. While you asked me to hold your phone for you while you were grilling, I noticed someone texted you. It sounded quite sketchy and I couldn't help but to look. I should be sorry I looked through your conversation a little since I've never done that with anyone, but I had a gut feeling. My gut was correct. I am leaving you, you don't need to respond. You and R deserve one another. Have fun with her handcuffs. Do not talk to me unless it is business related only.

 

 

I wouldn't even explain yourself Hun, you don't owe him an explanation.

 

Simply say - so I saw your texts from R - it seems you are with the wrong girl. Have a nice life and never talk to me again.

 

Be strong, I know it's hard. But he's lucky you don't slap him. I would and I would give her a good slap too.

 

Some people don't know what they have until it's gone. Maybe he will learn, maybe he won't. But you have respect for yourself and you won't put up with being second on his list.

[Cadenza]

I wouldn't even explain yourself Hun, you don't owe him an explanation.

 

Simply say - so I saw your texts from R - it seems you are with the wrong girl. Have a nice life and never talk to me again.

 

Be strong, I know it's hard. But he's lucky you don't slap him. I would and I would give her a good slap too.

 

Some people don't know what they have until it's gone. Maybe he will learn, maybe he won't. But you have respect for yourself and you won't put up with being second on his list.

 

I know I need to be strong, I'm finding it so hard to not sit down and talk about it and just dump him. If he was just kidding and I told him to stop, would he? My mind is whirling with possibilities. Okay then how about this: I saw your texts from R. Seems like you're with the wrong girl. I'm leaving you. Don't talk to me unless it's business-related. Have fun with her handcuffs and have a nice life.

[Frank2thepoint]

But I work with him.... What do I do when he comes up to me at work?

 

Only deal with him professionally from now on. I know it will be hard, but for this situation you'll have to grow a tough skin. See below.

 

Is it wrong to break up via text? Only because if he calls or this is in person, I'll cry or break or something. Here's the text I was thinking about sending:

So, I need to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. While you asked me to hold your phone for you while you were grilling, I noticed someone texted you. It sounded quite sketchy and I couldn't help but to look. I should be sorry I looked through your conversation a little since I've never done that with anyone, but I had a gut feeling. My gut was correct. I am leaving you, you don't need to respond. You and R deserve one another. Have fun with her handcuffs. Do not talk to me unless it is business related only.

 

This is a very good text message to send. It is civil, straight to the point, you make it clear you are breaking up with him, and you are setting the boundaries that only work related issues you will address. It would be even better to tell him in person, so there is no miscommunication and chance he does not receive the message. Maybe a phone conversation would be good as well, in case you can't stand the sight of him at this point.