Really want to ask

[Poppy's sister]

Ok...well I am an OW, or AP . I am married , my marriage is complicated by the fact my husband is possibly homosexual. I am sure he has had an affair which I think is now ended. I felt on one hand happy for him, I want him to have his needs met. I also felt relief, and wasn't worried about what might happen. I love him as a friend but really didn't feel bothered by his affair.

 

My AP and I had d day 15 months ago.

 

I am trying to understand a BS's feelings but I can't, because I just haven't reacted the same way or had the hard reality I guess.

 

My AP's spouse is getting angrier and more controlling as the weeks go by.

 

I personally think she is still suspicious.

 

I know I am going to get flamed but it is not because I expect her to be fine or get over it...it just makes me curious I guess.

 

I want to know if you are BS or you AP went back to wife, how long did it take before some normality returned ? How long before you wanted to go absolutely everywhere with you WH ? How long before you relaxed enough for WH to go out for a drink after work or similar ?

If you want to reconcile , surely the way is to at some point move past the controlling , angry, constant paranoia ?

 

I don't really know why I am intrigued by how other people react ? I believe we are all individuals who make our choices etc.

 

But this is something I wonder about.

[QuakerOats]

What happened in your D-Day? Did your husband find out as well? How often to do you see the MM and what are your plans with him? Sorry can't answer from BS perspective, but these questions might make your situation clearer so you get better feedback.

[MuddyRock]

The fact that you even know she is getting angrier points to the fact you are still involved with him. If that's the case she may never move past it as he isn't doing the work needed to move on. If you are NC and just happen to know through the grape vine, reconciliation takes from 2-5 years on average for people that are actually doing the work.

Many WS never get to the point where they can go out for drinks without the wife. That would probably be very boundary crossing after such a misstep.

[Poppy's sister]

Sorry, was a bit cagey as just know that it isn't going to come accros as I mean it to.

My husband doesnt know about affair

My MM stayed with wife after d day, after much soul searching from both of us. It was an absolutely joint decision. Whatever anyone says I know we felt at time we were doing the right thing for respective families.

We didn't last in n/ c and we have tentatively been finding a new normal, we agreed a 10 year plan, and both happy with it.

It was very low key and heading towards Christmas it got a lot better. But since Christmas it has been tricky.

He seemed to have more and more restrictions so I openly asked him if he wanted to end things as we had both agreed we would walk away if the other requested it.

So he then blew me away, by saying that things were just so bad at home, there were rows constantly, often nights with no sleep, anger , tension all the time. He cannot do anything without it being scrutinised and he doesn't know if he can really stay much longer.

I don't want a debate about the wrongs and rights and I am not asking if this is normal for BS in hope someone will come and say no, she is bonkers and he will obviously leave for you.

I genuinely am intrigued by someone seeming to want to keep husband and doing her best to implode marriage . Though can see irony as he is not truely reconciling.

I am actually wondering if I say no more, you need to go home and make best of it. She is suspicious because you are not truely in the marriage nd it is not fair on any of us.

But I think a bit more of me is scared....if they are both so unhappy how long before it does all explode.

My AP says he feels it is all a pressure cooker heading for an explosion...I don't want that for any of us.

[Poppy's sister]

Thanks muddy rock

 

Really....how do people live with that ? For the rest of their lives ?

No privacy, no individual time, never able to just go do stuff on your own ?

Surely that is unhappy

[MissBee]

This might fit better on the Infidelity forum if you want BS's reactions to dealing with finding out about the affair.

 

I'm slightly confused...is the A over and you're just pondering this out of curiosity or are you trying to know how long you have to wait before normality returns for you and you can continue on with the A without the BS "bothering" you?

 

There's nothing worse than a fake reconciliation IMO. I feel it pointless to get caught and instead of taking that time to put everything on the table and go one way or another, someone is going to pretend and still try to have an even more clandestine A now...it seems exhausting, as I imagine it will take a while after finding out about an affair to trust this person, esp if in reality they are still cheating. One can pretend as much as one likes but I think if your spouse is secretly still planning to see their AP then you will feel insecure and may continue to be anxious and watchful which in turn means they and their AP have to do so as well. So silly.

 

I think in genuine reconciliations where the WS is actually done with the AP, is in NC and is transparent and communicating with their spouse the time it takes the BS to slowly begin to trust them again, feel secure and not be as watchful will be quicker because they may feel that sincerity and see evidence of it, whereas if one is being lied to still, gaslighted and the spouse is essentially still in the affair and sneaking around but being two-faced and trying to say otherwise, you will FEEL this...you will still feel insecure and still feel the need to be watchful because your gut may tell you something is off.

Edited April 28, 2014 by MissBee

[QuakerOats]

Sorry, was a bit cagey as just know that it isn't going to come accros as I mean it to.

My husband doesnt know about affair

My MM stayed with wife after d day, after much soul searching from both of us. It was an absolutely joint decision. Whatever anyone says I know we felt at time we were doing the right thing for respective families.

We didn't last in n/ c and we have tentatively been finding a new normal, we agreed a 10 year plan, and both happy with it.

It was very low key and heading towards Christmas it got a lot better. But since Christmas it has been tricky.

He seemed to have more and more restrictions so I openly asked him if he wanted to end things as we had both agreed we would walk away if the other requested it.

So he then blew me away, by saying that things were just so bad at home, there were rows constantly, often nights with no sleep, anger , tension all the time. He cannot do anything without it being scrutinised and he doesn't know if he can really stay much longer.

I don't want a debate about the wrongs and rights and I am not asking if this is normal for BS in hope someone will come and say no, she is bonkers and he will obviously leave for you.

I genuinely am intrigued by someone seeming to want to keep husband and doing her best to implode marriage . Though can see irony as he is not truely reconciling.

I am actually wondering if I say no more, you need to go home and make best of it. She is suspicious because you are not truely in the marriage nd it is not fair on any of us.

But I think a bit more of me is scared....if they are both so unhappy how long before it does all explode.

My AP says he feels it is all a pressure cooker heading for an explosion...I don't want that for any of us.

 

 

 

What will happen to your affair if he lives his wife/his wife leaves him and he is single? Will you end your marriage then? Do you think he'd start to pressure you if you aren't both in marriages?

[snappytomcat]

as a bs,I can say I never had a leash on my husband,before or after the affair,he knows I will leave if he does it again,he has one chance,and hes did everything to show me,he has changed,as far as how long did it take to get back to some normalcy?

that ones tricky cause on dday,my husband did a 180,and never thought of the xow again,he says he has no feelings for her at all,not love not hate,but nothing,so he wanted things to go back to normal asap,I needed lots of answers,and reassurance from him,which he answered all my questions,even though he didn't want to,and he goes out with the boys once in a while,i don't sit here,and worry,but im also not trusting him blindly like before.

I just have to realize he wants our marriage to work,as much as I do,so ive accepted what he did,im in no way excusing him,but I cant keep punishing him,and if I want it to work I must move forward

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What does he honestly want from her? To keep the status quo so that he can continue the A while biding his time and counting down the years until his prearranged exit?

 

It seems like she's acting like someone who senses that they are still being lied to and manipulated. In the best case scenario reconciliation is difficult, where gaslighting is occurring its downright crazy making. She wants to believe but her subconscious knows better. Read up on congnitive dissonance.

 

So I guess you made a good point about her wanting to implode the marriage (or sham of a marriage). Seems like that might be the only way to get him to man up and make a decision, though I doubt it's a conscious effort.

[preraph]

Usually what happens is the AP just goes back to the spouse with tail tucked eventually. Oddly, most claim their marriage is the most important to them and women they can bang are a dime a dozen. I mean, if they heat lets up, they can always find someone for a quickie who maybe doesn't want a full-blown relationship and is less maintenance, i.e., less risk to marriage.

[veryhappy]

From all I've read, the answer would be two years. The first two years of reconciling are the hardest and then things get better. Do you still want to be around to hear about the good times?

 

You are delusional about a ten year plan to be together. How would that work?

 

Now have some empathy for the woman and end the A. Blow up the triangle. He'll never truly commit to something while bouncing from her to you and back. Do you really want to be somebody who had a 10+ years long A? What would that say about you? What does it say about him?

[veryhappy]

The bottom line is this: say he will divorce and be with you in ten years. How would you like it if he told you the right stuff and went back to the exwife behind your back? Hard to stomach, right? If he says he's reconciling and that's what he wants give him what he wants out of love for him and for future you.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks muddy rock

 

Really....how do people live with that ? For the rest of their lives ?

No privacy, no individual time, never able to just go do stuff on your own ?

Surely that is unhappy

 

They don't live like that for the rest of their lives. Trust is earned again.

 

Need to ask, seems like you're hoping or waiting for the dust to settle down so you can continue your A with your MM.

 

Please do yourself a favour, tell your H of your affair. If you don't, MM's wife will. It's only a matter of time.

[ladydesigner]

I want to know if you are BS or you AP went back to wife, how long did it take before some normality returned ? How long before you wanted to go absolutely everywhere with you WH ? How long before you relaxed enough for WH to go out for a drink after work or similar ?

If you want to reconcile , surely the way is to at some point move past the controlling , angry, constant paranoia ?

 

I don't really know why I am intrigued by how other people react ? I believe we are all individuals who make our choices etc.

 

But this is something I wonder about.

 

The paranoia and acting out on my end being the BS didn't end until his A ended. It took 4 Ddays before I had had enough and decided to walk away. From that day forward there has not been a blip on the radar as far as MOW is concerned. It took about 2 years post Dday for me to be able to feel enough trust for my fWH to be able to go out and do things freely as he had in the past. He had no issues with the limitations either. We still have full transparency and both of us are allowed access to emails, social media and iphones.

[MuddyRock]

Thing is, if you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make things right. Having "a leash" on wouldn't bother you as you would be doing hand stands while on that leash. If you feel restrained then you should leave, not make a 10 year plan. That is cruel and anyone that would be privy to treating the bs this way is really low.

[sweet_pea]

So what do you consider controlling/keeping someone "on a leash?" I see that term used a lot.

 

As far as how long it takes for the normality to return--- it depends. If the WH is being trustworthy and is working hard in the relationship (along w/ the BS), then the trust will come back quicker than if the WS was not. However, after something as painful as an affair, normality isn't going to come quickly.

 

The fact that your xMM is in false reconciliation could be a reason as to why his BS is acting that way. I'd venture to guess that she isn't just being "controlling" for no reason.

[purplesorrow]

Sorry, was a bit cagey as just know that it isn't going to come accros as I mean it to.

My husband doesnt know about affair

My MM stayed with wife after d day, after much soul searching from both of us. It was an absolutely joint decision. Whatever anyone says I know we felt at time we were doing the right thing for respective families.

We didn't last in n/ c and we have tentatively been finding a new normal, we agreed a 10 year plan, and both happy with it.

It was very low key and heading towards Christmas it got a lot better. But since Christmas it has been tricky.

He seemed to have more and more restrictions so I openly asked him if he wanted to end things as we had both agreed we would walk away if the other requested it.

So he then blew me away, by saying that things were just so bad at home, there were rows constantly, often nights with no sleep, anger , tension all the time. He cannot do anything without it being scrutinised and he doesn't know if he can really stay much longer.

I don't want a debate about the wrongs and rights and I am not asking if this is normal for BS in hope someone will come and say no, she is bonkers and he will obviously leave for you.

I genuinely am intrigued by someone seeming to want to keep husband and doing her best to implode marriage . Though can see irony as he is not truely reconciling.

I am actually wondering if I say no more, you need to go home and make best of it. She is suspicious because you are not truely in the marriage nd it is not fair on any of us.

But I think a bit more of me is scared....if they are both so unhappy how long before it does all explode.

My AP says he feels it is all a pressure cooker heading for an explosion...I don't want that for any of us.

How cruel to rob his wife of 10 more years of her life. If he isn't really doing the work of reconciliation, she can feel it. That is why her emotions can't settle. If his heart and thoughts are with you, what is she getting?

[Allumere]

Based on your own experience I think it is difficult for you to understand the reaction of AP's wife. From what you said, your husband's affair didn't seem to hurt you as you a) believe he was addressing something he needed to and b) you view him as a friend verses a spouse. That isn't the norm for most marriages. As a BS I can tell you she feels violated, unimportant, angry and extremely sad. Even if things within the marriage were not going well,, for one person to go to the extreme of an affair feels like a direct punch in the face, even when the affair often times is not a direct reflection of the other person. I would say the leash is a direct result of him not a) going full disclosure and b) staying in contact with you. It's hard to explain but once cheating is a known intuition goes into some super sensor mode and in my experience is always right. That is the case here. She has nothing left but to kick him out or attempt to control and my guess is by tightening the leash she either a) expects to catch him again or b) force him to make a decision.

[waterwoman]

Thanks muddy rock

 

Really....how do people live with that ? For the rest of their lives ?

No privacy, no individual time, never able to just go do stuff on your own ?

Surely that is unhappy

 

How? They don't. Not for the rest of their lives, just until they've had enough. But in your case she has a damn good reason to be checking up on him constantly hasn't she? You are still in contact, he is still betraying her.

 

He has choices. He can stay with her, tell he everything, stop contacting you at all, and make so bloody effort instead of lying to her and pretending and then whingeing that she isn;t getting over it. Or he can end his marriage asap and be with you.

 

At the moment she is being gaslighted to the nth degree and she knows it on some level. Poor woman

[cozycottagelg]

How cruel to rob his wife of 10 more years of her life. If he isn't really doing the work of reconciliation, she can feel it. That is why her emotions can't settle. If his heart and thoughts are with you, what is she getting?

 

I agree. She could use those 10 years to find someone new....

[violet1]

I agree. She could use those 10 years to find someone new....

Yeah, I agree! A ten year plan is very cruel. If things are so bad, why doesn't he just leave? I'm not flaming you, but seriously? Do you honestly believe a 10 year affair plan is realistic? I really hope the wife wakes up and divorces him. I can't even begin to understand why you and the MM are okay with this. What about your H? Do you think wasting 10 more years of his life is fair? BTW, I also justified my cheating with my H's past dalliances.

 

Honestly Poppy, I don't see this relationship having any chance of working if you wait so long. What his wife is feeling is normal. She can't trust her H and her life has been blown to shreds. You are standing at the side lines basically throwing salt on her wounds. What a sad story.

Edited April 29, 2014 by violet1

[SoleMate]

OP, I'm going to have to challenge your focus. Rather than putting your attention on the behavior of your (ex?)-MM's BS, I suggest you focus on the topics that actually affect your life and are legitimately of concern to you:

 

* The possibility that you're married to a man with a homesexual orientation

* What you want your marriage and life to be and what steps you will take to achieve those goals

 

I've never heard of a case where a wife suspected her husband was homosexual and he turned out not to be. Every case I've heard of, the suspicions were ultimately borne out. That's not certain proof for you, but I would argue it puts you on notice of the high likelihood that your H is homosexual. Given that, are you going to start asking questions and getting to the truth? Do you want to stay married? No, according to you; you have a 10 year exit plan. (BTW, the chance of this supposed plan by the AP even being sincere at this point in time is nil; the chance of it coming to happy fruition in 2024 is a unicorn fart.)

 

....surely [the BW should] at some point move past the controlling , angry, constant paranoia ? .....I believe we are all individuals who make our choices etc.

I have an idea for you....look at your OWN life the way an outsider would. Analyze your own behavior. Examine your own choices, assumptions, way of life, emotional reactions. Be objective. If you're thorough, you'll find plenty of important questions in your own life that need addressing and you won't need to spend time in the cliche of coming on LS to post the detail about how defective your (ex?)-MM's BW is.

[nightmare01]

Ok...well I am an OW, or AP . I am married , my marriage is complicated by the fact my husband is possibly homosexual. I am sure he has had an affair which I think is now ended. I felt on one hand happy for him, I want him to have his needs met. I also felt relief, and wasn't worried about what might happen. I love him as a friend but really didn't feel bothered by his affair.

 

My AP and I had d day 15 months ago.

 

I am trying to understand a BS's feelings but I can't, because I just haven't reacted the same way or had the hard reality I guess.

 

My AP's spouse is getting angrier and more controlling as the weeks go by.

 

I personally think she is still suspicious.

 

I know I am going to get flamed but it is not because I expect her to be fine or get over it...it just makes me curious I guess.

 

I want to know if you are BS or you AP went back to wife, how long did it take before some normality returned ? How long before you wanted to go absolutely everywhere with you WH ? How long before you relaxed enough for WH to go out for a drink after work or similar ?

If you want to reconcile , surely the way is to at some point move past the controlling , angry, constant paranoia ?

 

I don't really know why I am intrigued by how other people react ? I believe we are all individuals who make our choices etc.

 

But this is something I wonder about.

 

So both BS know about the affair?

 

To answer your questions:

How long until normality returned? Well, its been 13 years and normal hasnt happened yet. Seriously speaking, NORMAL will never happen again because NORMAL was destroyed by WWs affair. The new normal is living in the wreckage of what was once our marriage.

 

How long until we could go absolutely everywhere together? We go out together allot. BUT I refuse to go anywhere that WW and OM went together. I tried to reclaim those places but found I could not do it. So those places are theirs. If my WW goes to those places alone its a deal breaker and I will D her. Other than those places we go out together all the time and do enjoy ourselves.

 

How long until I am ok with WW going out after work for drinks - whatever? WWs affair started at her work. OM was a guy she worked with. So the answer to your question is that it will NEVER AGAIN be ok for her to go out with work people without me being there. Doing that would be a deal breaker and I would D her if she did that.

 

At what point to I move past controlling, angry, constant paranoia? Its not paranoia when a affair happened. WW has proved beyond all doubt that I can not trust her. And Im not controlling her. I am controlling me and my situation. WW can do as she wants. She can go out with work people. She can revisit her old haunts and moon over missing OM. She can do all that. But there are consequences because I am in control of MY life and having a spouse that does those things is not ok with me. So if she does them I will move on. As I said, she can do as she wants... but so can I.

[Mycatsnuggles]

PS the BS can go through a lot while questioning their relationship. I think it's wanting to know but fear of finding out. Phone gps, constant checking in, video calling. Continues to this day 2 years after they began to question. It's not a good feeling for either spouse involved.

 

PRivate message me if you want.

[Poppy's sister]

Thank you for all your replies

The great thing about forums are getting lots of opinions

Even the critical ones often provide food for thought

If I am honest, then yes a bit of me thinks 'when is his wife going to relax a bit so it is easier for us '.

And yes you can say what you like about that one, I am owning my own actions. Affairs happen for many reasons not all people in affairs are bad but everyone is entitled to come on forums and say their piece.

But I have considered what has been said and have decided to go for counselling to look at my own behaviour and ambivalence around my marriage

I am going to talk to my husband (gulp) if he wants to stay together as a family but pursue relationships that fulfil him and his needs as I do too. Then we need to work out how we do that while keeping home stable for daughters.

I guess my original question was because I wondered how long my Ap will continue in his marriage. Right or wrong it cannot be great to live like that

Though I don't understand his wife's stance, if I was her owould be trying to move on as surely she can see she is driving him away?

Are there any WSs out there who stayed at first and then left? How long did you try? Though I can see irony in that statement as my Ap is clearly not 100% committed, as we have continued.

These are very direct questions which I am sure will anger some... However this is public forum. If you just want to tell me how evil I am, you can, but I hope someone will give some honest answers too.

Oh yes and I have taken on board comments about long term plan not being fair to spouses and I am going to discuss this with Ap next week. I had been preoccupied with my thoughts about waiting and how it was for children, I hadn't thought about spouses.

 

I don't know how to do personal messages but Thankyou for offer snuggle