How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[somedude81]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

 

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

 

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

 

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

[tiff1234]

I think you'd be setting yourself up for failure. That's absolutely not a good idea cause what happens when you really start caring for the new girl and then you gotta deal with the guilt. A much better solution would be to befriend girls while you're in a relationship, but keep it strictly friends. That way you're not doing anything wrong but if you get dumped, you have people to fall back on and hang out with to get you outta the rut you're in.

[sillyanswer]

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me.

 

I'm sorry to hear this, SD.

 

I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

That's a great demonstration of (one way in which) attitude can make all the difference between attractive vs unattractive. Happy people are attractive.

 

There's a question on the dating site OKCupid that asks "Are you happy?" (or something very similar). I look to see if potential matches have answered this question and what answer they chose... and I ignore the unhappy people because I don't want to date an unhappy person.

 

So, instead of the train of thought in your post, focus instead on getting over your heartache and get yourself to a happy place and you'll be better able to attract the next girlfriend. And she will be awesome, with big boobs.

[somedude81]

I think you'd be setting yourself up for failure. That's absolutely not a good idea cause what happens when you really start caring for the new girl and then you gotta deal with the guilt. A much better solution would be to befriend girls while you're in a relationship, but keep it strictly friends. That way you're not doing anything wrong but if you get dumped, you have people to fall back on and hang out with to get you outta the rut you're in.

Having purely platonic female friends may help. But there is a huge difference between having a girlfriend and girl friends.

 

I really don't know how much better off I would be now if I had girl friends to hang out with. Odds are I'd probably have tried to rebound onto them, and would be even more devastated if I was rejected. I can't imagine the pain of losing a girlfriend and friends during the same time period.

 

Honestly, right now I can't process the feeling of guilt. I don't know how I would feel if I started to like the new girl more.

[veggirl]

No quality girl is willing to be some side piece. Waste of time to even think about having one cause the type of chick who would do it is not worth it.

[somedude81]

No quality girl is willing to be some side piece. Waste of time to even think about having one cause the type of chick who would do it is not worth it.

Of course I wouldn't tell either girl.

 

But then that just means it's another person I'm lying to.

 

Which honestly doesn't sound good at all. How do people manage to do that?

[RedRobin]

I know a guy who admits to doing that. He doesn't actually, physically, cheat on this girlfriends... he just keeps one foot out of the door emotionally just in case they break up with him. He keeps or has kept some 'friendly' chats going on with one or two women as a back up plan. Again, nothing terribly untoward and nothing that would raise suspicion... just enough to keep him uninvested in his primary relationship. That is what he confessed to me.

 

 

 

 

It ultimately becomes a self fulfilling prophesy because women aren't stupid. They know when the guy is not invested...

 

 

He is now 40. His GF of 2.5 years broke up with him. After which, he asked her to marry him. Of course, she said no. I am friends with both of them, so I've heard both sides.

He is miserable now and admits he has never fully committed himself in a relationship and desperately wants to change.

Don't be that guy....

Because doing anything half-assed isn't worth doing at all, IMHO.

[Weezy1973]

In the realm of (relationship specific) horrible, if you're selling a monogamous relationship to one or both of the women, it's pretty horrible.

 

The fact that you're actually contemplating it as a viable option may also speak to why you are unsuccessful with women in general.

[pteromom]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

How would you feel if your GF had a guy on the side in case you left? The answer to that question is the answer to yours.

 

The other question I have is if it is such an ordeal to get ONE girlfriend, how do you plan on getting two?

[pteromom]

Of course I wouldn't tell either girl.

 

But then that just means it's another person I'm lying to.

 

Which honestly doesn't sound good at all. How do people manage to do that?

 

Their fear is bigger than their integrity. Don't be one of them.

[carhill]

Of course I wouldn't tell either girl.

 

But then that just means it's another person I'm lying to.

 

Which honestly doesn't sound good at all. How do people manage to do that?

I'd recommend against such a strategy but it's your call.

 

IME, people who have a history of monkey-branching have indicated to me directly that they have a marked fear of being alone. I don't really know where that comes from but it does seem pretty strong and real. Fear can be a potent motivator. It sounds like you've identified one potential fear, that of being unattractive. You feel attractive when in a relationship and ostensibly desired and wanted. Otherwise, the abyss. Perhaps a personal area to work on?

[somedude81]

I'm sorry to hear this, SD.

 

 

 

That's a great demonstration of (one way in which) attitude can make all the difference between attractive vs unattractive. Happy people are attractive.

 

There's a question on the dating site OKCupid that asks "Are you happy?" (or something very similar). I look to see if potential matches have answered this question and what answer they chose... and I ignore the unhappy people because I don't want to date an unhappy person.

And that's exactly how I came to this train of thought. Happy people are more attractive.

 

When am I happy, and thus when am I attractive? When I'm in a relationship.

 

It's not too surprising that you ignore people on OKC that checked unhappy. Nobody wants to be with somebody who isn't happy. Though I wonder how many of those people are actually happy if they are single.

 

So, instead of the train of thought in your post, focus instead on getting over your heartache and get yourself to a happy place and you'll be better able to attract the next girlfriend.

While that's great advice, and exactly what I need to do, it's harder than it sounds. I'm not starting from zero. I'm starting from like minus seven.

 

At this point I don't know if I can get over my heartache while I'm still single. That's why I was thinking of possible ways to avoid the heartache.

 

And she will be awesome, with big boobs.

I hope so!

 

My ex was a 32 D. I want to see what DD's or bigger are like

[xxoo]

What kind of boyfriend do you want to be?

What kind of girlfriend do you want?

 

Those questions should make it obvious that cheating is a horrible idea.

 

Don't allow fear to guide your choices. That's even more unattractive.

[somedude81]

I know a guy who admits to doing that. He doesn't actually, physically, cheat on this girlfriends... he just keeps one foot out of the door emotionally just in case they break up with him. He keeps or has kept some 'friendly' chats going on with one or two women as a back up plan. Again, nothing terribly untoward and nothing that would raise suspicion... just enough to keep him uninvested in his primary relationship. That is what he confessed to me.

Hmm, that may be a better way of doing it. No actual cheating involved. I wonder how he decided to start doing that. Probably had a very painful breakup.

 

 

It ultimately becomes a self fulfilling prophesy because women aren't stupid. They know when the guy is not invested...

 

 

He is now 40. His GF of 2.5 years broke up with him. After which, he asked her to marry him. Of course, she said no. I am friends with both of them, so I've heard both sides.

He is miserable now and admits he has never fully committed himself in a relationship and desperately wants to change.

Don't be that guy....

Because doing anything half-assed isn't worth doing at all, IMHO.

The thing is, I was completely invested in my ex. I never saw any reason for us to break up and who knows what would have happened if we had been together for a couple of years. Ugh, I can't even imagine what it's like to be with somebody for a year.

 

Still I was completely invested in her, and this is my reward

 

I actually think that she left me because she felt I liked her too much. If I had another girl to divide my interest, maybe we would still be together.

 

Bah, I still don't like the thought of cheating on my ex even though she ate my heart.

[Phoe]

No no no no no NO.

 

My first 2 boyfriends cheated and as much as I hate to admit it, it had an effect on me, and still does to this day.

 

 

Don't be that guy.

[somedude81]

The fact that you're actually contemplating it as a viable option may also speak to why you are unsuccessful with women in general.

ROFL!

 

I have heard "X is your reason why you are unsuccessful with women" so many times it's ridiculous. Know how many of them I remember that were said to me? Zero. They're all bullsh*t.

 

Up until today I had never had this thought of having a back up girl be an option.

 

So there goes your theory that my contemplations is a reason why I've done poorly with women

[xxoo]

Somedude, there is no short cut or secret to avoiding pain. Love is risky for all of us. You have to have confidence that you'll be ok, and learn to trust judiciously. But at some point, vulnerability is necessary.

 

Taking extreme steps to protect yourself puts the OTHER person--the person you are attempting to build a relationship with--at increased risk for pain. It's wrong, and cowardly.

[somedude81]

What kind of boyfriend do you want to be?

Pretty similar to what I am now, but having more money to spend on her and us.

 

 

What kind of girlfriend do you want?

Very similar to my ex, but not as inhibited in bed. Faithful, and she will never leave me unless I did something really stupid.

Don't allow fear to guide your choices. That's even more unattractive.

This entire thread is about fear. Fear of getting hurt again. I've been hurt by women over and over in my life. While I have no desire to start hurting women, I just want to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I don't want to go through another painful breakup.

[somedude81]

How would you feel if your GF had a guy on the side in case you left? The answer to that question is the answer to yours.

As long as I didn't know about it, then I wouldn't care. For all I know maybe my ex had a guy on the side, and she dumped me for him. It certainly would explain some things.

 

I'm not the jealous controlling type and I will trust my partner unless she has shown that she doesn't deserve it.

 

The other question I have is if it is such an ordeal to get ONE girlfriend, how do you plan on getting two?

That's the whole reason I made this thread.

 

It should be much easier to get a second GF when I currently have one. I'm happiest when I'm in a relationship, and I'm more attractive when I'm happy. That's why getting the first GF is so difficult.

[somedude81]

I'd recommend against such a strategy but it's your call.

 

IME, people who have a history of monkey-branching have indicated to me directly that they have a marked fear of being alone. I don't really know where that comes from but it does seem pretty strong and real. Fear can be a potent motivator. It sounds like you've identified one potential fear, that of being unattractive. You feel attractive when in a relationship and ostensibly desired and wanted. Otherwise, the abyss. Perhaps a personal area to work on?

Well, I can't say that I fear being alone because I've been alone for the vast majority of my life. I'm used to being alone, but I also hate it. Up until I got my GF I had no idea what it was really like to be with somebody, I didn't know what I was missing.

 

I don't fear being unattractive because I know I am. At least I am now because women seem to not notice me at all, and quickly forget me.

 

What I do fear is going through the pain I'm going through now, again in the future. That's what I want to prevent. I'm terrified that the pain may actually be more intense if I was with her for a very long time and then she leaves. I don't know how I would handle that.

[normal person]

Instead of putting your effort into a contingency plan that will likely backfire, I think it'd be a better idea to do what you need to do to ensure your relationship won't fall apart to begin with.

 

I think the logistical/ethical challenge presented by having a girl on the side isn't worth the risk as it'll probably be the thing that ruins your relationship in one way or another. A self-fulfilling sort of thing, maybe.

 

You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy to get a girlfriend. You did it once before so you can do it again. If you're dying to have a girlfriend that badly, use it as motivation to present yourself as a happy person.

[Toddbt12y1]

I, for one, support your strategy SD.

[somedude81]

No no no no no NO.

 

My first 2 boyfriends cheated and as much as I hate to admit it, it had an effect on me, and still does to this day.

 

 

Don't be that guy.

I remember you saying that you were cheated on by your past boyfriends. Did you find out during the relationship or afterwards?

 

How does you being cheated on affect you?

 

I really don't want to hurt anybody, especially somebody I'm in love with.

 

But if that person dumped me, does their pain matter? For example if I cheated on my ex, and she found out after she dumped me, would it have actually made a difference? Why should I care about any pain she goes through after she broke my heart? Would she care at all if she dumped for completely unrelated reasons? Considering that she has refused any attempt at a reconciliation when I never did anything bad or disrespectful to her at all, it kind of makes me feel that I should have done something to warrant how she treated me.

 

 

BTW, I'm sorry for bringing up any painful memories.

[carhill]

Well, I can't say that I fear being alone because I've been alone for the vast majority of my life. I'm used to being alone, but I also hate it. Up until I got my GF I had no idea what it was really like to be with somebody, I didn't know what I was missing.

 

Yes, I understand the difference. It took being married to become truly at peace and comfortable with being completely alone. Prior, even if no exigent fear, there was unrest.

 

I don't fear being unattractive because I know I am. At least I am now because women seem to not notice me at all, and quickly forget me.

 

I was working the -difference- in how you feel when you are in a relationship versus being alone. Perhaps, if this was a meaningful relationship, that dichotomy of feelings is new. You forgot about being unattractive while being with your GF because you apparently felt validated and attractive to her. When it ended, that was gone and now you're saying you just thought of this contingency plan to avoid pain of loss and feeling unattractive again as the validation and love is gone.

 

 

What I do fear is going through the pain I'm going through now, again in the future. That's what I want to prevent. I'm terrified that the pain may actually be more intense if I was with her for a very long time and then she leaves. I don't know how I would handle that.

 

The pain of loss will still be there but will simply be masked by the limerence of a new partner. IDK, perhaps the only way to understand it is to go through it.

 

BTDT, while married, and I'm here to tell you it's far healthier to simply go through the pain, be alone and move forward in life. Once you make the choice to purposely betray another, whether it's in their face or through deception, it's a choice you can never take back, ever.

 

Good luck.

[Grumpybutfun]

Somedude, we have discussed this many times and you have heard it from others but I will put it out there one more time...until you learn how to be happy on your own by yourself without someone else propping you up or determining your self worth, you won't be happy. No woman or man wants to be the sole reason of happiness and contentment for another human being because it is draining trying to be someone else's everything, and people do know when you are projecting all your hopes and dreams on to them. It becomes smothering and damning. You are a smart guy so start figuring how to be happy...just you, with no help from anyone else.

I know you think that isn't possible but almost every person who is healthy and in functioning happy relationships or lives have learned how to do this. It is called healthy self esteem and it means you are happy in your own skin being the authentic you.

Time for internal soul searching,

Grumps