How horrible is it to have a girl on the side in case your girlfriend leaves you?

[Weezy1973]

 

But if that person dumped me, does their pain matter? For example if I cheated on my ex, and she found out after she dumped me, would it have actually made a difference? Why should I care about any pain she goes through after she broke my heart? Would she care at all if she dumped for completely unrelated reasons?

 

The fact that you have these ideas is also likely a reason why you are so unsuccessful with women.

 

Hint: It relates to the other reason in this thread that I thought might explain your lack of success in general with women (and you dismissed).

[emva07]

I get where you're coming from but that's really selfish.

 

However you want to spin it....this side girl will just be used as a rebound, why should another girl be hurt on purpose to help you get over yours....and guess what? Being with another girl won't make it hurt less.

 

Just because this girl left you doesn't mean the next one will....why would you do that to someone that had nothing to do with this?

[somedude81]

Somedude, there is no short cut or secret to avoiding pain. Love is risky for all of us. You have to have confidence that you'll be ok, and learn to trust judiciously. But at some point, vulnerability is necessary.

If I wasn't clear, I completely trusted my ex and was extremely open with her. I was very vulnerable. Look at how that turned out.

 

Taking extreme steps to protect yourself puts the OTHER person--the person you are attempting to build a relationship with--at increased risk for pain. It's wrong, and cowardly.

What are some less extreme steps I can do to protect myself?

 

I don't understand how trying to protect myself can increase someone else's risk for pain.

 

Honestly, the thought of me hurting a woman because of something I did just seems ridiculous. As if a woman would ever care enough about me to let my actions have any affect on her.

 

Every woman I have ever gotten close to has hurt me, so that's what I want to prevent, or at least lessen.

[somedude81]

Instead of putting your effort into a contingency plan that will likely backfire, I think it'd be a better idea to do what you need to do to ensure your relationship won't fall apart to begin with.

I just don't think there was anything I could have done to have prevented my relationship from falling apart. There was absolutely nothing I did that could have been used as a reason for why she dumped me. It was completely on her 100%.

I think the logistical/ethical challenge presented by having a girl on the side isn't worth the risk as it'll probably be the thing that ruins your relationship in one way or another. A self-fulfilling sort of thing, maybe.

It would require a whole lot of lying, most likely to both girls. Which is definitely not something I would be comfortable with. Not once did I ever lie to my ex.

You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy to get a girlfriend. You did it once before so you can do it again.

As time goes on and I learn more about relationships, it really does seem I got very lucky when I got her.

 

Somehow I met a girl who was in an unhappy relationship who her guard down because she still had a boyfriend. I was able to get close to her and eventually she started to like me.

 

So if I want to replicate those steps, I need to find girls who are in toxic relationships and get them to believe that I'm better than their boyfriends. Never mind the fact that probably the biggest reason my ex dumped me was because she wasn't ready to be in another relationship so soon after leaving her ex. She the whole f-ing thing was doomed from the start!

 

If you're dying to have a girlfriend that badly, use it as motivation to present yourself as a happy person.

I assume you're talking about "fake it till you make it."

 

Unfortunately I really can't fake being happy, flirty, confident and bold. All of those are byproducts of my overall sense of self.

[CarrieT]

If I wasn't clear, I completely trusted my ex and was extremely open with her. I was very vulnerable. Look at how that turned out.

It does not mean it will happen EVERY TIME.

 

What are some less extreme steps I can do to protect myself?

Stay single the rest of your life.

 

I don't understand how trying to protect myself can increase someone else's risk for pain.

Because that person you are keeping on the side could be very hurt by your duplicitous behavior.

[contact1]

It is a bad idea, especially with the mentality that they will break their heart, so who cares if they find out after. You are envisioning that the relationship will already fail, so why not have another girl along? Forget the fact about each girl being hurt, you are setting yourself up for failure, because you are expecting any future relationship to end in heartbreak for you.

 

The best way to guard your heart is to have a wall up on it, to approach relationships slowly. You can't know whether a relationship will work or not at the very beginning. Just look at how many relationships on this website alone end up broken after, some after many years of being together. However, if you go in with the expectation that any female you are with, is going to break your heart and just leave it, that will be your result.

 

Also, you don't have to be exclusive right away. You can date several girls at the same time, and once you decide which one would be the best for you, you stick with just that one. This would follow the same idea of when you are with a girl, you are more attractive to others. The last thing we need to see is a thread with the title "I cheated on my GF and she is now leaving me, what do I do??"

[somedude81]

I get where you're coming from but that's really selfish.

 

However you want to spin it....this side girl will just be used as a rebound, why should another girl be hurt on purpose to help you get over yours....and guess what? Being with another girl won't make it hurt less.

Why are you assuming that one of the girls would be hurt? Is a rebound relationship any less than a "normal" relationship?

Just because this girl left you doesn't mean the next one will....why would you do that to someone that had nothing to do with this?

Because all women I've gotten close to have hurt me. It's just what I expect. The next woman will leave me at some point, so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable.

[Eggplant]

Is this a serious question, SomeDude? I think it's just sadness typed out.

 

 

Of course it would be deceitful and wrong, and if you don't care about the women in your life enough to not want to deceive them, I'm not sure what kind of connection that would really be, except maybe a relationship with your own ego, which I think a lot of people go for ...

 

 

But I don't think you don't know the answer to your own question. You'll find a woman again. You have lots of time.

[somedude81]

It is a bad idea, especially with the mentality that they will break their heart, so who cares if they find out after. You are envisioning that the relationship will already fail, so why not have another girl along? Forget the fact about each girl being hurt, you are setting yourself up for failure, because you are expecting any future relationship to end in heartbreak for you.

I'm assuming for your sentence "especially with the mentality that they will break their heart," you actually meant to say "Your" instead of "their." Making it "especially with the mentality that they will break your heart."

 

Yes, I am expecting any future relationship to end in heartbreak for me. It seems inevitable.

 

Do I think I'm setting myself up for failure? I'm not sure. All I can do is try to be the best BF I can be, and hope that it's good enough for my GF. It wasn't good enough for my ex. I have the belief that unless I do something really stupid, I really don't have any impact if a relationship lasts or not.

The best way to guard your heart is to have a wall up on it, to approach relationships slowly. You can't know whether a relationship will work or not at the very beginning. Just look at how many relationships on this website alone end up broken after, some after many years of being together. However, if you go in with the expectation that any female you are with, is going to break your heart and just leave it, that will be your result.

How slow is approaching a relationship slowly? How invested should somebody be after six months?

Also, you don't have to be exclusive right away. You can date several girls at the same time, and once you decide which one would be the best for you, you stick with just that one. This would follow the same idea of when you are with a girl, you are more attractive to others. The last thing we need to see is a thread with the title "I cheated on my GF and she is now leaving me, what do I do??"

Getting the first girl is the hardest. So in order for me to date several girls at the same time, I would most likely need to be having sex with at least one of them to start getting the confidence/happy boost. I guess as long as I avoid having the exclusivity talk then it's not cheating right?

[somedude81]

Is this a serious question, SomeDude? I think it's just sadness typed out.

I don't know how serious I am. It mostly is just sadness and trying to find a way to get rid of it. All I know is that I'd be much happier if I had a GF right now, either my ex or somebody else. I'm also extremely sad because I've failed in my efforts to even get dates in the five months that I've been single.

 

Of course it would be deceitful and wrong, and if you don't care about the women in your life enough to not want to deceive them, I'm not sure what kind of connection that would really be, except maybe a relationship with your own ego, which I think a lot of people go for ...

Right now my bitterness and hurt is overpowering the thoughts I have of caring for somebody. The strongest thought I have now is, "Why should I care if I deceived somebody who dumped me?"

 

The feelings of my ex are completely irrelevant.

 

But I don't think you don't know the answer to your own question. You'll find a woman again. You have lots of time.

I don't know how much time I actually have. Aside from the fact that everyday I'm single absolutely sucks; I may want to have kids somebody and I'm already 32. Most likely I'd want to wait at least four years from the time I meet a woman to having kids with her, so that would put me at 36 for having my first assuming I meet somebody this year and stick with her.

[contact1]

I'm assuming for your sentence "especially with the mentality that they will break their heart," you actually meant to say "Your" instead of "their." Making it "especially with the mentality that they will break your heart."

 

Yes, I am expecting any future relationship to end in heartbreak for me. It seems inevitable.

 

Do I think I'm setting myself up for failure? I'm not sure. All I can do is try to be the best BF I can be, and hope that it's good enough for my GF. It wasn't good enough for my ex. I have the belief that unless I do something really stupid, I really don't have any impact if a relationship lasts or not.

 

How slow is approaching a relationship slowly? How invested should somebody be after six months?

 

Getting the first girl is the hardest. So in order for me to date several girls at the same time, I would most likely need to be having sex with at least one of them to start getting the confidence/happy boost. I guess as long as I avoid having the exclusivity talk then it's not cheating right?

 

Yes it was suppose to be "breaking your heart", was typing a bit too fast there

 

To answer your questions at the slow approaching, I'll give you a really good general idea. To protect yourself, you would want the other person to be more invested in the relationship than yourself. Say if you think about it like a love, or interest level, where her interest in the relationship may be at 80%, you would keep your interest in the relationship at about 70~75%. The person with more confidence, or rather, more of a challenge, will have more power in the relationship, because they have less to lose.

 

It's not possible to say how invested you should be 6 months down the line, when following this type of approach, it depends on the other person.

 

Right, always getting that first girl is the hardest, and yes, being at the stage of having sex would likely boost your confidence some. There is another thought on this, though I don't normally recommend it, but there is the option of having an escort. This can be a double edge sword though, on the one hand you may feel much more confident, having the experience of someone devoting her time just to yourself. But on the other hand, knowing what it entailed, you may regret it.

 

Also remember, all relationships over time will always come to an end. Whether it be by the choice of one of the two parties, or by death, there will always be that heartbreak in the end. Don't let the actions of one woman damage the possible future relationship you may have.

[iiiii]

If I ever found out that a partner of mine had done that, I'd be gone, SomeDude. It would be a deal breaker. This is because it shows a lack of integrity, and a lack of honesty. Both of those are deal breakers for me. And I think those things would be deal breakers for any decent girl.

 

Furthermore, if a guy friend I knew was expressing sentiments like that, there is no way that I'd ever match him up with a girl friend of mine. He just wouldn't be worth it.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but I just don't think you get what having a relationship is about, Somedude. It's not about finding the first person who will have you and then trying to keep them with you by any means possible. It's about finding the right person for you - the one who brings out the best qualities in you, and who you want to make happy.

 

Most people have to go through a lot of strangers before they find the right one. Getting bitter and deciding to treat women (or men) like trash because you haven't yet found the right one won't make you happy in the long term. And yes, in my opinion having a "back up girl" (or guy) because you are afraid to commit to a relationship does count as treating your partner like trash.

 

Wrong strategy, dude - think again.

[somedude81]

Yes it was suppose to be "breaking your heart", was typing a bit too fast there

 

To answer your questions at the slow approaching, I'll give you a really good general idea. To protect yourself, you would want the other person to be more invested in the relationship than yourself. Say if you think about it like a love, or interest level, where her interest in the relationship may be at 80%, you would keep your interest in the relationship at about 70~75%. The person with more confidence, or rather, more of a challenge, will have more power in the relationship, because they have less to lose.

 

It's not possible to say how invested you should be 6 months down the line, when following this type of approach, it depends on the other person.

Yeah I'm definitely aware that the one that loves the least, has the power. And in my relationship I wasn't the one who loved the least.

 

One thing I'm definitely going to try to control in my relationship is my interest level in regards to hers. I need to make her believe, whether it's true or not, that she likes me more than I like her.

 

Right, always getting that first girl is the hardest, and yes, being at the stage of having sex would likely boost your confidence some. There is another thought on this, though I don't normally recommend it, but there is the option of having an escort. This can be a double edge sword though, on the one hand you may feel much more confident, having the experience of someone devoting her time just to yourself. But on the other hand, knowing what it entailed, you may regret it.

I've had enough occasions of empty sex in my life and it's not something I ever want to do again. Sex with my GF was the best I've ever had, simply because there were emotions involved. Hell, there were women I've met online and had sex with that day (not escorts but swingers) whose names I can't even remember.

 

So no getting a prostitute is absolutely not an options.

Also remember, all relationships over time will always come to an end. Whether it be by the choice of one of the two parties, or by death, there will always be that heartbreak in the end. Don't let the actions of one woman damage the possible future relationship you may have.

True, but I'm mostly talking about an inevitable end because the woman dumps me.

[somedude81]

If I ever found out that a partner of mine had done that, I'd be gone, SomeDude. It would be a deal breaker. This is because it shows a lack of integrity, and a lack of honesty. Both of those are deal breakers for me. And I think those things would be deal breakers for any decent girl.

What's the point of something being a deal breaker if you're already gone? If you already dumped the guy for some other reason, why would it mattered if he cheated?

 

If you are saying that you find out that a guy had somebody on the side while you are in a relationship, of course you are justified in ending it.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but I just don't think you get what having a relationship is about, Somedude. It's not about finding the first person who will have you and then trying to keep them with you by any means possible. It's about finding the right person for you - the one who brings out the best qualities in you, and who you want to make happy.

This thread isn't really about trying to hold on to somebody and keep them with me. I'm been pretty much saying that it's impossible to keep somebody and they will leave. So because I can't stop that, I want to try to remove the pain that will come when they leave.

 

I do agree with you on this part " It's about finding the right person for you - the one who brings out the best qualities in you, and who you want to make happy. "

Most people have to go through a lot of strangers before they find the right one. Getting bitter and deciding to treat women (or men) like trash because you haven't yet found the right one won't make you happy in the long term. And yes, in my opinion having a "back up girl" (or guy) because you are afraid to commit to a relationship does count as treating your partner like trash.

 

Wrong strategy, dude - think again.

Where did you get the idea that I don't want to commit? I have no fear of commitment.

 

BTW, I already feel like I found the "right one."

 

Now I need to find another "right one." And most likely another one down the line.

[tdmnp]

I think you need to remember that how would you feel, if someone treated you like this - that you were merely one of many people that another person was using to fill a void.

 

It's not a pleasant feeling.

[iiiii]

What's the point of something being a deal breaker if you're already gone? If you already dumped the guy for some other reason, why would it mattered if he cheated?

 

If you are saying that you find out that a guy had somebody on the side while you are in a relationship, of course you are justified in ending it.

 

Nah, you don't get me, dude. What I am saying is, if you do this, you're sabotaging your relationship right from the start. You can't start a good relationship with a lie - what you did is always going to be hanging over you. If you eventually decide to dump your girl on the side and properly commit to your main girl, what happens in 5 years if this girl finds out what you did? She'll leave you. I would. Because it's a deal breaker.

 

And if someone leaves you they weren't the right one. You might have really liked them, but clearly they were looking for something else, so they weren't the right one for you. I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that, but in my experience it is true.

 

Keep looking, dude.

[sillyanswer]

While that's great advice, and exactly what I need to do, it's harder than it sounds. I'm not starting from zero. I'm starting from like minus seven.

 

Yes, I realise that I suggested something that sounds difficult. You need to figure out your own path to happiness, perhaps by looking at some other areas of your life (which might also distract you from thinking about your ex).

 

 

At this point I don't know if I can get over my heartache while I'm still single. That's why I was thinking of possible ways to avoid the heartache.

 

You are more important than your ex. Don't let the breakup get you down for too long. Spring is here - get out and enjoy it!

 

My ex was a 32 D. I want to see what DD's or bigger are like

 

They can be quite a handful. Are you sure you'll be able to cope with that?

[MissBee]

Yes I know it's cheating, which I'm completely against; but after how my relationship ended and left me emotionally, I'm starting to get slight second thoughts.

 

Putting it in simple terms, I was and mostly still am devastated by my ex leaving me. I really want to get a new GF but my confidence is gone, I'm sad, tired, and overall not performing anywhere near at my norm.

 

I'm unattractive.

 

Conversely, when I was with my GF, I was happy, had very high confidence, great self-esteem, the world was wonderful etc.

 

I was attractive.

 

Looking at it just from those viewpoints, the best time for me to meet and date women, was when I was in a relationship. Heck, rejection wouldn't bug me at all because I already had a great GF.

 

When I was with my GF had no desire to stray at all. I was in it for the long haul. I expected to be with her for a long time. Then I got burned.

 

If I had a girl on the side, when my ex left me, I probably would have taken the breakup and its aftermath far less harshly.

 

To make it clear, I'm still completely against cheating, but when I'm struggling, trying to find another girl, these are thoughts that are going through my head. Of course there's also the thought that, "She dumped me, why does it matter if I cheated on her?"

 

The fact that you place so much of your self worth on another person means that you will find it difficult to be happy and have healthy relationships. This is the simple truth. Relationships end sometimes. You will not be with everyone you date for the rest of your life, that's how it goes, so you need to be able to have confidence, happiness, feel attractive and have a good sense of self even when single, as if and when any relationship ends, if you don't have that your life will seem extremely abysmal.

 

You can mourn and it's normal to feel scared, lonely, not confident after heartbreak, but people whose self worth is in tact eventually move on from it and can get back on the saddle again and have a full and happy life and meet someone new. People who are moping around and can't be happy unless they are with someone are very unattractive and even if they end up in a relationship usually the cycle repeats as they put so much on this person for their happiness and if and when this new thing ends, as it often does, they plummet even further. It's a horrible cycle.

 

It's insane to expect to have someone in the wings in case one person leaves you. You will never be able to be in a genuine relationship if that is your mentality and if all you worry about is them leaving. Being in a real relationship requires vulnerability. Can you get hurt? Yes. Can you hurt another? Yes...but if you work on having your self worth in tact you'll be able to weather these kinds of things and come out the other side.

[TouchedByViolet]

The solution to the OP's problem is having romantic female interest in him. All the other stuff people are saying is irrelevant. I know guys who are loyal in relationships but as soon as it's over they got girls trying to get with them. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else lol.

[Keenly]

Before you do anything to anyone, try and imagine how you would feel if some one else did it to you.

 

 

Empathy, rare these days.

[MissBee]

Why are you assuming that one of the girls would be hurt? Is a rebound relationship any less than a "normal" relationship?

 

Because all women I've gotten close to have hurt me. It's just what I expect. The next woman will leave me at some point, so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable.

 

Uhh...yes it is is, why would it be called something different if it was just the same?? Is this a serious question???

 

Rebound relationships are formed out of a desperate attempt to soothe one's pain when the person one is really invested in has left them. The rebound is not appreciated and invested in for the right reasons or even fully and often people end up rebounding with people that once everything calms down, they realize they don't even like. A rebound is being used as an emotional bandaid and buffer for someone who is still pining after someone else or someone who has emotional work to do but would rather a distraction than do it.

[Els]

I just don't think there was anything I could have done to have prevented my relationship from falling apart.

 

Just from reading your previous posts:

 

1) Drive to her sometimes instead of just sitting back and letting her drive to you all the time

2) Stop letting her cook all the time and learn to cook and make something nice for her

3) Or if you absolutely can't do #2 then bring her out for some nice dinners, stop going dutch all the time

4) Plan more romantic dates instead of just sitting at home watching TV most of the time

5) Surprise her with some sweet gestures occasionally - flowers, breakfast in bed, etc.

6) Spend time working on yourself - working out, learning a new skill, share it with her.

 

The last R is done and dusted but this will help you immensely in the future. And frankly I'm incredibly disappointed that you're thinking of using duplicity for selfish gain.

[somedude81]

So the general consensus is that it is a horrible idea and will pretty much doom the next relationship from the start.

 

It's not a viable way of trying to avoid pain.

[somedude81]

Just from reading your previous posts:

 

1) Drive to her sometimes instead of just sitting back and letting her drive to you all the time

2) Stop letting her cook all the time and learn to cook and make something nice for her

3) Or if you absolutely can't do #2 then bring her out for some nice dinners, stop going dutch all the time

4) Plan more romantic dates instead of just sitting at home watching TV most of the time

5) Surprise her with some sweet gestures occasionally - flowers, breakfast in bed, etc.

6) Spend time working on yourself - working out, learning a new skill, share it with her.

I actually did more than half of those on a consistent basis.

 

Though looking on this forum and the crap that women put up with from their BF's and still stay with them, the fact that I didn't treat my ex like a queen is not a valid reason for her dumping me.

[d0nnivain]

Somedude --

 

The ONLY way you will ever be happy is when your confidence comes from within. Now it only comes externally from a GF. That's not healthy.