Marriage suffering badly

[BrianMaple]

I’ll try to be as short as I can. I’m 34, wife is 33.

 

A couple of years ago, I began dating this woman I worked with. She had been married for three years before prior to meeting me, and just had went through a divorce. I think it was about 1 month after her divorce was finalized that we became pretty exclusive. She said her and her husband were just two different people and wanted different things, and fought all the time. They dated for about 10 months before he proposed. They didn’t have children together so it was a pretty clean break.

 

Things were were really good in our first year of dating, and on the anniversary of our first date, I proposed to her. So we were official for one year. About 5 months later we were married. We both wanted kids, but I wanted to hold off for a year after until we had our ducks in a row so we could enjoy being married. She didn’t like this.

 

I noticed a big change in her behavior in our marriage when I made the decision to hold off on kids. She started getting upset with me every other day and withholding affection. So, in the hopes that she would change her behavior, I decided to move the process forward and have a child with her. In the time that we she was pregnant, she expressed interest in getting a new home for us, so we moved into this brand new house just before we had our daughter. This was a little stressful, but we managed.

 

We now have a daughter who is seven months old - and I can say that our sex life is nonexistent. It seems like she is too tired to be spend any time being affectionate with me, and whenever I do, she is just not into it. She doesn't even like to be hugged. We take turns with the child each night, but the hours are getting to her.

 

Of course, this has made me lash out at her on a couple occasions, which makes matters worse.

 

She had suffered depression earlier in her life, and in her first marriage, and it seems like shes back on this path again. Part of me is so angry, I want to find her ex-husband and ask him if she did the same things to him. Another part of me wonders if I made the right decision, because she is almost the exact opposite of the person I dated. On top of that we work together, so we never really get a break from each other because she is just down the hall in a cubicle (she’s back from maternity leave).

 

I am very confused and sad. I make really good money ($150K+ year) so we’ve talked about her staying home with the baby. But our house is expensive and I’m not sure we can afford everything. If she does stay home with the baby, I’m worried about her mood actually being worse when I come home. It seems like I’m in a no-win situation here.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

 

Thanks.

[snappytomcat]

aw yes having a young baby is wonderful,but can be really hard on moms,especially ones that stay home,also can it be possible that she has post partum depression,dont know if I spelled that right,but maybe she needs to get checked out by dr.

I had this with my second daughter,and I acted like your wife to my husband,for a few months after baby was born,until the dr,gave me some meds,i wasn't on them to long but I do remember they worked,but that was 19 years ago

[BrianMaple]

She is on meds right now. Cymbalta, Strattera, Lamictal.

 

Sometimes I think we married too quickly...

[snappytomcat]

I really feel for you,i know you will get lots better advice than I can offer,but have you tried marriage counseling?or would you be into something like that if your wife agreed,or maybe independent counseling.

I moved in with my husband after 2 weeks of knowing him that was 23 years ago,it hasn't been smooth sailing,but for the most part its been good

[BrianMaple]

any other advice? Going to bed now...thanks.

[Eivuwan]

She is most likely stressed from working full time when the baby is only 7 months old. How much do you help her with chores and childcare?

[notserene]

At least one of those meds can kill your sex drive. She is also probably exhausted.

[Hope Shimmers]

As noted above, antidepressants can and do affect sex drive adversely, but in my own case (and in others who have reported on it), the major effect was to become anorgasmic (no orgasms). This (as you can image) can really impact the desire to have sex.

 

Add that to new baby exhaustion and working full time, and you have your answer.

[BrianMaple]

She is most likely stressed from working full time when the baby is only 7 months old. How much do you help her with chores and childcare?

 

I do half the chores, plus all the outside yard projects (lawn, snow removal).

 

We take turns now that she back at work. I wake up one night with the child, she gets the next night. We alternate.

 

I sense something more is going on.

[Eivuwan]

Sounds like the meds aren't working and she should update her meds and go to therapy. What is her point of view in all this?

[EverySunset]

I know it feels like forever, but 7 months after you have a baby is not long for a women.

 

It took 9 months to make that baby, so it often takes that long for a woman to get her body back. She may be softer than she likes. Her self esteem took a beating. She probably doesn't feel very sexy.

 

A seven month old depends on you for everything. Its a LOT of work, no matter whose doing chores. She probably even feels guilty leaving her to go to a job.

 

Meds, by themselves, are hard to get right, and when you factor in runaway hormones... Medicines to help can often hinder.

 

There's so much push and pull that happens after a baby as couples have to reprioritize their lives around a new soul, and redefine their own relationship to each other (and the world, as a new parent) and CHANGE, in any form, can be so hard on anyone.

 

Beleive it or not, this is still your "babymoon" period... And its hard on everyone.

 

I wish someone would be honest about that up front... Like a grandparent or doctor. Every single person I talk to after they have a baby feels like they're the only ones, and it couldn't be further from the truth.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know it feels like forever, but 7 months after you have a baby is not long for a women.

 

It took 9 months to make that baby, so it often takes that long for a woman to get her body back. She may be softer than she likes. Her self esteem took a beating. She probably doesn't feel very sexy.

 

A seven month old depends on you for everything. Its a LOT of work, no matter whose doing chores. She probably even feels guilty leaving her to go to a job.

 

Meds, by themselves, are hard to get right, and when you factor in runaway hormones... Medicines to help can often hinder.

 

There's so much push and pull that happens after a baby as couples have to reprioritize their lives around a new soul, and redefine their own relationship to each other (and the world, as a new parent) and CHANGE, in any form, can be so hard on anyone.

 

Beleive it or not, this is still your "babymoon" period... And its hard on everyone.

 

I wish someone would be honest about that up front... Like a grandparent or doctor. Every single person I talk to after they have a baby feels like they're the only ones, and it couldn't be further from the truth.

 

BINGO! Very well said. I think it's great that you're pitching in and sharing the load of chores and baby care - that is more than most men do so kudos to you.

 

At the same time, I think you're being a little too impatient with her and perhaps a tad selfish too. This isn't completely uncommon for first time parents. The birth of a new being is life changing all on it's own never mind factoring in the stress and lack of sleep and hormones and postpartum depression and every other emotion you can think of.

 

I went through a very similar thing with the birth of my son. Wanted to have a child badly and tried for 4 years until we finally had him. Had a horrible pregnancy because I was sick the whole way through and uncomfortable (he was a BIG baby). Was two weeks overdue and had to be induced. And then to add fuel to the fire, our son was colicky whilst I was heading into deep postpartum depression - oh joy!

 

My (ex) husband was amazing however. He was very understanding and stepped in to share the load of house chores and baby care. When I had my down moments, he would come home early to relieve me so I could have some alone time and/or go to my therapist to deal with the depression. I couldn't have had a better partner during this time.

 

At the same time, even he started to feel neglected. The stress of dealing with my depression, the raging hormones surging through my postnatal body, the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion combined with the stress of now having to please my husband was more than I could handle at that time.

 

I understand that it can difficult for husbands to go through this particularly if they feel like their wives have morphed into another person they no longer recognize BUT you MUST learn to be patient for heaven's sake! Carry a child, birthing it and then dealing with all the emotions and physical changes that happen afterwards is something men will NEVER completely understand.

 

Yes, some women can bounce back quickly and/or have no issues with any of these things but those women are in the minority. Trust me on this. 7 months isn't long believe it or not. Keep doing what your doing because it DOES help and will go a long way.

 

On another note, have you sat down and TALKED with your wife about things? I mean, it just seems like an obvious thing to do but I'm amazed at how many couples are afraid to communicate for whatever reasons. I think it's important to tread carefully and be very sensitive so as not to make your wife feel more pressure than she might already feel but sharing your feelings and concerns and working together so you're both on the same page is critical during this stage of your life. It's TOO easy to get lazy and resentful and let things get lost in the shuffle only to wake up 5 or 10 years down the road older and more bitter.

 

Good luck.