Would you want to know?

[QuakerOats]

Don't worry, this isn't another "Should the OW disclose the truth to the BS" threat.

 

After reading here a while, I've come to realize that many affairs just go undiscovered. On the OW/OM section, there are several MOW who end their affairs and then work on the marriage but never disclose the affair to the spouse.

 

 

If your spouse had an affair and you never found out, would you want to know months/years later, even if your marriage was then good? I guess in many situations, the affair is just a "bump" in the road of married life and the marriage can heal and grow, but if you were the BS, would you want to know of that "bump" in your partners past even if it was years ago. For example, I believe my own father had an affair back in the 80's...my mother ignored the signs and they are pretty happy now. I asked her about it not that long ago and she acknowledges that while she had her suspicions, she'd prefer not to know as they are happy and married almost 45 years.

[fellini]

The last time this question was asked, it produced little more than impatience with the majority "truth above all else" and it's not possible to think otherwise.

 

Mostly against those few of us who wished not to know (but obviously do) Asking this question in a forum filled with BS's who are either in pain, or have been through it does not fair well if you are genuinely interested in perspectives.

 

But good luck with it! As long as no one agrees with your mother, it will stay polite.

[Arieswoman]

QO, You said,

 

After reading here a while, I've come to realize that many affairs just go undiscovered.

 

Do they?

 

This is chance that the cheater takes if they don't disclose. They will have to live with the guilt for the rest of the association. Surely that must impact on their relationship, and their attitude to it ?

 

A psychologist once told me that a guilty conscience will punish you more than anything anyone else can do, or say.

 

I am sure some affairs never see the light of day but not many.

[gettingstronger]

My husband has said-I wish I ended it before you found out- and I can kind of see that but in all of my soul searching I still disagree-what I want is for it never to have happened, that he would have come to the realization what a brutal awful thing he was doing but he didn't so.... yes, no matter how much longer after I would still want to know-the truth is painful but I deserve to know the man I share a bed and a life with so that the decision to keep doing so belongs to me-I deserve that much, I really and truly do-

[BetrayedH]

Due to the preponderance of waywards and 'others' claiming that the BS wouldn't want to know, I've many times openly asked for BSs to come forward and say if they wouldn't want to know.

 

To my knowledge, the only current BSs here that would say so are fellini and drifter (my sincere apologies to either if I'm misrepresenting them). Prior to that, there was one BS here in pain over her H's voluntarily disclosed PA from many years prior when they had had many happy years since; she wished she didn't know. I've always been curious if her point-of-view changed over time. Anyone else that said so was either a wayward or other or was just hypothesizing. I find it interesting that a huge preponderance of BSs would say that they would want to know. I find it to be a compelling situation because for them it is not a hypothetical but one where they have experienced the pain of it first-hand (usually in devastating fashion) and said they would still want to know regardless. Many have even argued that there were NO situation where they wouldn't want to know, even if they were hearing the confession on their deathbed.

 

As for affairs going undetected, I have only seen one study that I trusted in terms of statistics. There were about 8000 waywards that self-disclosed on an anonymous survey that they were waywards. Of those, half said that their betrayed spouse knew of their affair(s) and half did not. Of those that did, half said the affairs were discovered and the other half were confessed. That tells me that about 50% of affairs are unknown to the BS. I've often wondered if eventually the number of undetected ones rise because the wayward eventually does make a confession or is discovered (sometime after they took the survey). Still, I suspect that about 50% is probably a pretty close number.

[iris219]

If, like your parents situation, my husband had an affair 30 years ago and things are now good and there's been no affair since, knowing or not knowing wouldn't make a difference to me. After 45 years together, I would be disappointed, but not devastated over something that happened so long ago.

 

I wouldn't consider divorce over an affair that occurred in the 80s, so I don't need to know, other than to give him crap about it for awhile. I assume that's how your mom feels, though it sounds like she probably does know he cheated.

[central]

A psychologist once told me that a guilty conscience will punish you more than anything anyone else can do, or say.

 

I am sure some affairs never see the light of day but not many.

 

If a person does feel guilt, then yes, I agree with that statement. Some do not feel guilt or remorse, even when discovered.

 

I've seen statistics that over 90% of affairs by women are NOT discovered or revealed, and over 80% by men are not. So, odds are good of getting away with an affair.

 

As for the OP's question, we have discussed this and neither of us would want to know after the fact about a past affair, if the relationship is good in the present.

 

We also feel that confessing does more to hurt the betrayed spouse while relieving the conscience of the betrayer, which is the reverse of what should be happening.

[Betterthanthis13]

Quaker-

 

From what I understand the MM in your situation lied to you and claimed he was in the process of a divorce from the beginning of your relationship, but was in fact still living with his wife and had not even filed for a separation. This information was trickle truthed to you over the course of over a year and you were the one to end the A- hopefully I have my facts straight here?

 

Would you rather not know that he was married all this time? Assuming he was able to effectively lie and trick you, all the while still sleeping with his wife and telling her he loves her etc? If eventually down the road he did leave for you, or his wife kicked him out and he ended up with you instead, would you NOT want to know that he had lied to you for all that time?

 

Obviously it's a different situation than a long term married BS never discovering an A but I'm curious what your thought process is on this.

[Sub]

I asked her about it not that long ago and she acknowledges that while she had her suspicions, she'd prefer not to know as they are happy and married almost 45 years.

 

I would ask, though: If you're suspicious that your spouse had an A, would it be that much worse to have that suspicion confirmed?

 

Personally, I would want to know. If the marriage is in fact "good", I'd like to think that an honest disclosure by my WS wouldn't do that much damage. I wouldn't want her carrying that around for the rest of her life.

[fellini]

Due to the preponderance of waywards and 'others' claiming that the BS wouldn't want to know, I've many times openly asked for BSs to come forward and say if they wouldn't want to know.

 

To my knowledge, the only current BSs here that would say so are fellini and drifter (my sincere apologies to either if I'm misrepresenting them).

 

Yes, it is a misrepresentation. IN abstract arguments about tell or not tell, I have argued that I believe there are cases of infidelity that one might not want to tell. I have also posted an argument from an author who I thought gave very good reasons.

 

I also said in my case I WISH my WS had FINISHED with her A and then done what, IN THE END, she decided to do, which was work on the marriage, and save me from having to clean up her mess. My WS was a coward, just like her AP, because she could not bring it upon herself to do the right thing EVER, she required me to do it FOR HER.

 

Were my WS a sex addict, absolutely, I would want to know.

Were my WS involved in an EXIT AFFAIR (I have no choice, telling me is how she is going to end our marriage

Were my WS involved in a "See if" affair. No. Get out there, see if, and do what you have to do to get back on track

Were my WS involved in a "I just needed to indulge myself affair" No. Indulge, and get back in the marriage.

Were my WS involved in a "Having experiences I missed out on affair" Again, no, same reason

Were my WS involved in a Split-Self Affair. Yes. Our marriage is almost over, or it is going to take the two of us to bring her back into one-self.

Were my WS in Limbo (which is where I believe mine was) it will depend on how far down the road the affair is. Once it becomes LTR, I might as well know because we are probably done for.

 

Now the one I'm not sure about, is "not getting my needs met" affair. I think a BS needs to know that needs are not being met, and the WS has to realize that an Affair is not the best place to get needs met. But I understand that some of the longest lasting affairs, historically have been "needs met" and "split-self" affairs. And in most cases the marriage remains intact.

 

But I personally am not talking about living in a marriage while my WS is getting her needs met, Im saying that if the A is both the problem and the solution (to put it simply) I'd rather she solved the problem, get back in the marriage, and work on what ever it is that needs work on, without telling me about the A.

[A.Moscote]

I always want the truth, about anything, related to me or not. That's my greed i guess.

 

Now considering the situation you gave, yes I still want to know even if the R is very satisfying and good (blissful ignorant??). I won't unnecessarily go all digging or be obsessive about that, but if there's a switch that can reveal all, I will gladly flick it.

[fellini]

I wouldn't want her carrying that around for the rest of her life.

 

I think you over estimate how quickly some WS's "get over" that they had an affair. Especially if they don't get caught. Not everyone has this guilt mechanism when they do wrong, and "wear the scars" the rest of their lives.

 

Some actually move on and let it go. We all have secrets, and some of us live with them for quite a long time.

 

It's true though, that probably everyone imagines their lives like a movie, lying in their sickbed and under their last breath confessing a past sin.

 

If they still remember the sin.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes, it is a misrepresentation. IN abstract arguments about tell or not tell, I have argued that I believe there are cases of infidelity that one might not want to tell. I have also posted an argument from an author who I thought gave very good reasons.

 

I also said in my case I WISH my WS had FINISHED with her A and then done what, IN THE END, she decided to do, which was work on the marriage, and save me from having to clean up her mess. My WS was a coward, just like her AP, because she could not bring it upon herself to do the right thing EVER, she required me to do it FOR HER.

 

Were my WS a sex addict, absolutely, I would want to know.

Were my WS involved in an EXIT AFFAIR (I have no choice, telling me is how she is going to end our marriage

Were my WS involved in a "See if" affair. No. Get out there, see if, and do what you have to do to get back on track

Were my WS involved in a "I just needed to indulge myself affair" No. Indulge, and get back in the marriage.

Were my WS involved in a "Having experiences I missed out on affair" Again, no, same reason

Were my WS involved in a Split-Self Affair. Yes. Our marriage is almost over, or it is going to take the two of us to bring her back into one-self.

Were my WS in Limbo (which is where I believe mine was) it will depend on how far down the road the affair is. Once it becomes LTR, I might as well know because we are probably done for.

 

Now the one I'm not sure about, is "not getting my needs met" affair. I think a BS needs to know that needs are not being met, and the WS has to realize that an Affair is not the best place to get needs met. But I understand that some of the longest lasting affairs, historically have been "needs met" and "split-self" affairs. And in most cases the marriage remains intact.

 

But I personally am not talking about living in a marriage while my WS is getting her needs met, Im saying that if the A is both the problem and the solution (to put it simply) I'd rather she solved the problem, get back in the marriage, and work on what ever it is that needs work on, without telling me about the A.

 

 

One question I have for you with this reasoning is that you note 3 different "types" of A's that you would be ok if your spouse engaged in and did not tell you, provided she "learned the lesson" and did not continue with that activity. Does that mean spouse can only have one of those types of affairs happen over the course of the marriage, or one instance of each for a total of 3 undiscovered affairs?

[BHsigh]

Yes, it is a misrepresentation. IN abstract arguments about tell or not tell, I have argued that I believe there are cases of infidelity that one might not want to tell. I have also posted an argument from an author who I thought gave very good reasons.

 

I also said in my case I WISH my WS had FINISHED with her A and then done what, IN THE END, she decided to do, which was work on the marriage, and save me from having to clean up her mess. My WS was a coward, just like her AP, because she could not bring it upon herself to do the right thing EVER, she required me to do it FOR HER.

 

Wow, you see this far differentely than I do, I see marriage as a team effort and would loved for my wife to confess after the A was over.

 

I wish that my wife's affair never happened either, but hiding it doesn't mean that it didn't.

 

Were my WS a sex addict, absolutely, I would want to know.

Were my WS involved in an EXIT AFFAIR (I have no choice, telling me is how she is going to end our marriage

Were my WS involved in a "See if" affair. No. Get out there, see if, and do what you have to do to get back on track

Were my WS involved in a "I just needed to indulge myself affair" No. Indulge, and get back in the marriage.

Were my WS involved in a "Having experiences I missed out on affair" Again, no, same reason

Were my WS involved in a Split-Self Affair. Yes. Our marriage is almost over, or it is going to take the two of us to bring her back into one-self.

Were my WS in Limbo (which is where I believe mine was) it will depend on how far down the road the affair is. Once it becomes LTR, I might as well know because we are probably done for.

 

Now the one I'm not sure about, is "not getting my needs met" affair. I think a BS needs to know that needs are not being met, and the WS has to realize that an Affair is not the best place to get needs met. But I understand that some of the longest lasting affairs, historically have been "needs met" and "split-self" affairs. And in most cases the marriage remains intact.

 

But I personally am not talking about living in a marriage while my WS is getting her needs met, Im saying that if the A is both the problem and the solution (to put it simply) I'd rather she solved the problem, get back in the marriage, and work on what ever it is that needs work on, without telling me about the A.

 

So, do what you want, just don't get caught? Is wanting to indulge yourself, or see if you want an affair or just getting experiences from people other than your spouse valid reasons to have an affair? Wow, the unrepentant WS's will love this line of reasoning.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, it is a misrepresentation. IN abstract arguments about tell or not tell, I have argued that I believe there are cases of infidelity that one might not want to tell. I have also posted an argument from an author who I thought gave very good reasons.

 

I also said in my case I WISH my WS had FINISHED with her A and then done what, IN THE END, she decided to do, which was work on the marriage, and save me from having to clean up her mess. My WS was a coward, just like her AP, because she could not bring it upon herself to do the right thing EVER, she required me to do it FOR HER.

 

Were my WS a sex addict, absolutely, I would want to know.

Were my WS involved in an EXIT AFFAIR (I have no choice, telling me is how she is going to end our marriage

Were my WS involved in a "See if" affair. No. Get out there, see if, and do what you have to do to get back on track

Were my WS involved in a "I just needed to indulge myself affair" No. Indulge, and get back in the marriage.

Were my WS involved in a "Having experiences I missed out on affair" Again, no, same reason

Were my WS involved in a Split-Self Affair. Yes. Our marriage is almost over, or it is going to take the two of us to bring her back into one-self.

Were my WS in Limbo (which is where I believe mine was) it will depend on how far down the road the affair is. Once it becomes LTR, I might as well know because we are probably done for.

 

Now the one I'm not sure about, is "not getting my needs met" affair. I think a BS needs to know that needs are not being met, and the WS has to realize that an Affair is not the best place to get needs met. But I understand that some of the longest lasting affairs, historically have been "needs met" and "split-self" affairs. And in most cases the marriage remains intact.

 

But I personally am not talking about living in a marriage while my WS is getting her needs met, Im saying that if the A is both the problem and the solution (to put it simply) I'd rather she solved the problem, get back in the marriage, and work on what ever it is that needs work on, without telling me about the A.

 

My apologies. I gather that in some cases, you'd want to know but not in others.

 

I still think it's a rarity.

[fellini]

One question I have for you with this reasoning is that you note 3 different "types" of A's that you would be ok if your spouse engaged in and did not tell you, provided she "learned the lesson" and did not continue with that activity. Does that mean spouse can only have one of those types of affairs happen over the course of the marriage, or one instance of each for a total of 3 undiscovered affairs?

 

I don't think my spouse has a directory on affair types. I dont think she says, gee, I wonder if... goes out and discovers the if, and then comes home. Takes a few weeks or years off, and then decides, hmmmm "did I miss out on ..." off we go again.

 

A lesson learned from an affair has two messages:

 

1. You needed to know something, you stupidly had an affair to find out, and you found out.

2. You learned obviously that having an affair is not the best way to find things out.

 

When I am discussing these types of affairs, I am doing so in the spirit of Kirshenbaum's "Good people" book. We have to understand that these excursions to discovery are not tickets to infidelity, they are what is learned when people cross boundaries they know they should not cross.

 

When I say I don't want to know, Im saying that my WS was broken, she stepped out (stupid thing to do because that is not the solution), learned from it (learned about her need and learned that stepping out is stupid) and then decided not to take that risk again, returns to the marriage and fixes things properly. Why do I need to be burdened with the knowledge of this as well. I don't want to!

 

But if my wife is out exploring each and every affair type because she has read Kirshenbaum, well, that's not a marriage, nor is that a scenario that I find even remotely happening. People who step out of their marriages learn more than just what they stepped out to do. They learn a lot about their dignity (or lack of it) their capacities for lying, their capacities to self-deception, their capacities to compartmentalize, their capacities to lose normal control over their decisions, etc. etc. And I think these need to be taken into consideration in the return of a WS to a marriage.

 

Of course Im talking about intelligent, good people who do something they never in a million years imagined doing, find themselves doing it, scare the living s--t out of themselves looking at how far they were willing to go, and then make the decision that the marriage is where they want to be.

 

This is the route my WS took: Plus telling me about it so that I would force her to end it. Yes I would have been happier had she done all that and left out the part about me, because my role in her A was immaterial. She did not need (as her excuse) me to change in order to come back. She needed to learn how she got to where she got without my consent, she can just as easily learn how to get back.

[fellini]

Wow, you see this far differentely than I do, I see marriage as a team effort and would loved for my wife to confess after the A was over.

 

Yes I know marriage is a team effort. But I also live in the real world, and a lot of things go on in the lives of each spouse that never sees the light of day in terms of teamwork. I have a mind, and I don't share 100% of my thoughts with my SO. And I know, and I am happy, that 100% of the things that go on in her life are not shared with me.

 

You know, I don't want to know every time she sees an attractive guy walking down the street to say to me "Look, Im sorry, I just felt and see that guy as an attractive guy. Nothing personal".

 

If her affair is about HER, and if it is not about ME, this is an extreme case of the same thing. If she is going to fall in love with a guy and leave me over it, sure I want to know why. But I have nothing more to add about why I wouldn't want to know if we are going to remain in the marriage.

[nightmare01]

My personal view is that NOT TELLING is a huge act of disrespect.

 

Lies are all about control. Through lying you control what a person knows and what they base their decisions on. Lies are told to control the actions of another.

 

I see this as extremely disrespectful because you are not allowing the person to choose for themselves. Controlling someones actions and taking away their right to choose their own life path is a horrible and degrading thing to do. The liar is enslaving the person they are lying to, subjugating that persons life, bending it to the will of the liar. This is about as far away from kindness and compassion as one can get.

 

WS choose to lie NOT because they want to protect their BS but simply because they want to avoid the unpleasant consequences of their actions. I also believe that when there are no consequences that a affair is likely to happen again.

[BetrayedH]

My personal view is that NOT TELLING is a huge act of disrespect.

 

Lies are all about control. Through lying you control what a person knows and what they base their decisions on. Lies are told to control the actions of another.

 

I see this as extremely disrespectful because you are not allowing the person to choose for themselves. Controlling someones actions and taking away their right to choose their own life path is a horrible and degrading thing to do. The liar is enslaving the person they are lying to, subjugating that persons life, bending it to the will of the liar. This is about as far away from kindness and compassion as one can get.

 

WS choose to lie NOT because they want to protect their BS but simply because they want to avoid the unpleasant consequences of their actions. I also believe that when there are no consequences that a affair is likely to happen again.

 

Agreed. I'm also more convinced that a wayward is actually truly remorseful when they've made a confession. When they've decided to continue lying, I'm not sure that they've really 'learned their lesson.' For someone whose affair is discovered, at least the BS has a chance to witness and evaluate the remorse first-hand. I can't help but wonder if fellini has actually found it easier to forgive his wife because she made her confession. Statistically, twice as many reconciliations happen following a confession as opposed to a discovery. Would he still be reconciling if he had instead discovered the affair? Perhaps. Would he still be touting the benefits of his wife keeping it to herself? I can't help but wonder if he'd be much more pissed about the deception.

[BHsigh]

Yes I know marriage is a team effort. But I also live in the real world, and a lot of things go on in the lives of each spouse that never sees the light of day in terms of teamwork. I have a mind, and I don't share 100% of my thoughts with my SO. And I know, and I am happy, that 100% of the things that go on in her life are not shared with me.

 

You know, I don't want to know every time she sees an attractive guy walking down the street to say to me "Look, Im sorry, I just felt and see that guy as an attractive guy. Nothing personal".

 

If her affair is about HER, and if it is not about ME, this is an extreme case of the same thing. If she is going to fall in love with a guy and leave me over it, sure I want to know why. But I have nothing more to add about why I wouldn't want to know if we are going to remain in the marriage.

 

 

You know, I do understand where you are coming from fellini, and I accept why you wouldn't want to know, but I think that the bolded part is where we disagree the most. I do know that an affair usually isn't about the BS, but I would always want a choice in the matter, always.

 

Marriage means more to me than that I suppose, lies and secrets aren't a welcome part of any marriage that I want to be a part in, and everyone deserves a choice in that matter. I don't really care how someone that wrote a book separates the affairs into different parts, because the fact is, every single example of an affair is still a broken promise.

 

People thinking that other people are attractive isn't a secret to anyone, so no comparrison.

[Betterthanthis13]

I don't think my spouse has a directory on affair types. I dont think she says, gee, I wonder if... goes out and discovers the if, and then comes home. Takes a few weeks or years off, and then decides, hmmmm "did I miss out on ..." off we go again.

 

Right, that's sort of ridiculous and not what I intended to portray as an example, although the image of someone with an "affair directory" made me lol.

A lesson learned from an affair has two messages:

 

1. You needed to know something, you stupidly had an affair to find out, and you found out.

2. You learned obviously that having an affair is not the best way to find things out.

 

ok, sounds almost legit- but how likely is it in your opinion that a person with the personality traits necessary to allow an A to brew in the first place and participate in it for any length of time would be able to make all the personal growth needed to change their way of thinking completely on their own when there are no consequences except self imposed ones? Seems hypothetically impossible, and I've yet to read an example of this happening either.

 

 

When I am discussing these types of affairs, I am doing so in the spirit of Kirshenbaum's "Good people" book. We have to understand that these excursions to discovery are not tickets to infidelity, they are what is learned when people cross boundaries they know they should not cross.

 

that book made me feel sick to my stomach. I thought it was manipulative, full of faulty logic, and just plain icky- and dangerous for BS's to read, so I'm curious to understand how you came to such a different conclusion about it

 

When I say I don't want to know, Im saying that my WS was broken, she stepped out (stupid thing to do because that is not the solution), learned from it (learned about her need and learned that stepping out is stupid) and then decided not to take that risk again, returns to the marriage and fixes things properly. Why do I need to be burdened with the knowledge of this as well. I don't want to!

 

I understand that- I'm really sorry she put you through all the horrendous crap she did.

 

I can't imagine all those things happening together in reality. I can imagine a WS ending an A, deciding it's not worth the risk, and simply not disclosing. Maybe even never doing it again. The part I can't imagine is that same WS then taking it a step further and launching a thorough investigation into their own psyche and values and examining WHY they chose an A in the first place- and if somehow they did all that on their own with no catalyst, eventually they would come to some sort of wrestling match with their newly found (or rediscovered) integrity and be overwrought and preoccupied with the ethical dilemma of their ongoing deception to their BS. How do you see all this playing out? Do you really think this is all actually possible?

 

But if my wife is out exploring each and every affair type because she has read Kirshenbaum, well, that's not a marriage, nor is that a scenario that I find even remotely happening.

 

right, that sounds silly

 

People who step out of their marriages learn more than just what they stepped out to do. They learn a lot about their dignity (or lack of it) their capacities for lying, their capacities to self-deception, their capacities to compartmentalize, their capacities to lose normal control over their decisions, etc. etc. And I think these need to be taken into consideration in the return of a WS to a marriage.

 

assuming a WS learned all of these things, how might they justify ongoing continuous manipulation of their spouse by deciding which truths they were or were not capable of handling?

 

Of course Im talking about intelligent, good people who do something they never in a million years imagined doing, find themselves doing it, scare the living s--t out of themselves looking at how far they were willing to go, and then make the decision that the marriage is where they want to be.

 

I can see where you are coming from here. An intelligent person might be more likely to self examine and learn something from their choices in life than a person of average intelligence or a person who isn't very bright. On the other hand, a person with a high IQ could also be more adept at rationalizing and justifying their poor choices with arguments that are (almost) convincing and (almost) logical to a point that they are satisfied with being done thinking about it and can put the tiny voice in the back of their head that says "this thinking I'm doing is still wrong" by allowing their overdeveloped ego (which often tends to accompany high IQ) to get in the way

 

I don't think there are "good people" and "bad people"- I think people are just people who make choices throughout life that end up positively or negatively affecting their happiness, some choices end up having both negative and positive effects- (assuming people who have the capacity for reasoning, not really taking into account outliers such as the severely mentally ill or hardcore psychopaths)

 

This is the route my WS took: Plus telling me about it so that I would force her to end it. Yes I would have been happier had she done all that and left out the part about me, because my role in her A was immaterial. She did not need (as her excuse) me to change in order to come back. She needed to learn how she got to where she got without my consent, she can just as easily learn how to get back

 

I think I understand your reasoning on this point, but I'm curious how likely you think it is that a person who was in the same predicament as your WS during her A- with a similar level of intelligence and capability for justification, would actually be able to suddenly stop, do all the necessary work on herself on her own and simultaneously, clandestinely (not sure if clandestinely is an actual word but I'll google it when I'm done typing this) cover up all traces of evidence and carry the burden of her betrayal to the grave? (And explain also how all of this somehow be considered healthy for either WS or BS) .

 

Just picking your brain because your thought process is interesting to me, I'm not trying to dispute the validity of your thoughts, I would like to understand how you arrive at some of them because a few of them don't make sense to me, so maybe I'm missing something.

[whatatangledweb]

I posted this some time back....

 

I was always in the camp of not telling before my husband's affair. When I did find out I wanted to be able to go back and change it so I didn't know. Everyone go easy here. I am not implying that others are like me.

 

I know how awful my life was before I met my husband. He was the first person who ever made me feel safe. I was abused as a child and then by my first husband.

 

For the backstory up unto I found out.We had a good marriage, spent all our time off together. We held hands everywhere we went , even in the car. Sex 4 to 5 days a week and we had been together 22 years then.

 

My husband then got an injury. It took a few months to get better but it would cause him pain now and then. He then needed a minor surgery. He then had a midlife crisis. Yes, this is a cop out but it does happen. I had one also but I didn't need to cheat to get over it. So...he wanted to see if he could pick up someone at a bar like he could in college. He did..a co worker. It would have ended in less than two months. He only did this while he traveled which is why nothing changed about our time together. She began blackmailing him. Yes, I know many people claim this. But I have all the emails between them and I saw it for myself. This continued for a year and a half.

 

I found out due to him not clearing the browser. I was shocked, heartbroken. There were no warning signs. No reason for him to cheat. I read every damn marriage book throughout the years and made sure I kept our marriage fresh, loving, connected, and safe. I kept in shape. Made him the most important person in my life. I just kept saying why? What did I do wrong?..He apologizing saying nothing, it was all him. I did everything perfect...This makes his betrayal so much worse for me. What was I going to fix to protect myself?? Remember this was all in the beginning.

 

So..how did me finding out help me?

 

I knew that he lied, cheated on me.

I finally knew that I would never have someone in this lifetime who would protect, cherish me, and keep me emotionally safe.

I knew he could and would lie to me while looking me straight in the face.

I now knew I could never trust anyone.

I knew that no matter how special I tried to make him feel it wouldn't matter if he decided to cheat again.

I knew he had made a fool of me.

I knew I was embarrassed and ashamed of being cheated on.

I knew my life felt like a lie.

I knew my life would never be the same again.

I knew that he did not value me the way I valued him.

 

How did it change me?

I became someone I didn't know. I cried all day everyday for months. I rarely cried before this. I finally became angry and my rages scared the hell out of me.I withdrawn from friends and coworkers. I became a champion PI. I can find anything now. Learned all the ways to spy on him...not something I wanted to do.

 

Good points...

The affair ended as soon as I found out. I don't consider finding out that the man I loved more that life betrayed me a good point.

 

Am I glad I know? Sometimes..sometimes not.

 

Things are good now but the road to get here was hard and painful.

[yellowmaverick]

 

I guess in many situations, the affair is just a "bump" in the road of

married life

 

I don't know of any BS (who has never engaged in an affair) who thinks that an affair is just a "bump in the road of married life".

 

I have seen some former BSs who then became an OW/OM or MM/MW have this attitude, but it is just used to excuse their behavior as "no big deal".

[Arieswoman]

Nightmare01,

I agree totally with what you said,

 

WS choose to lie NOT because they want to protect their BS but simply because they want to avoid the unpleasant consequences of their actions. I also believe that when there are no consequences that a affair is likely to happen again.

 

I have known several ladies who forgave their husbands' affairs time after time after time. So the BS were essentially sending the message to their WS that it was OK to behave like that. In all cases the WS finally left for an AP after about 20 years of marriage.

[Arieswoman]

To WATW, post #22,

 

I am sorry to hear of all the trauma that you have suffered and I wish you all the hope and healing you need.

 

AW x