how do you learn to love yourself?

[whirl3daway]

I have posted elsewhere about my issues - I am a childhood abuse survivor, was kidnapped by my dad for years, attachment issues, self-love issues, self-worth issues.

 

I have been the kind of gal to bandage my wounds instead of work on them - I try to fill the void with other people instead of love for myself. I don't want to be this way anymore.

 

I can feel myself starting down the path of self-love. I have been redecorating my house, I have started eating again, I tell myself everyday that I am wonderful and worthy of love and that I love myself, hoping that one day it will stick. I feel better, that's true.

 

But I'm wondering what else you can do, to learn to love yourself? What books did you read? What did you do? Help me grow up to become a better person.

[pteromom]

I can feel myself starting down the path of self-love. I have been redecorating my house, I have started eating again, I tell myself everyday that I am wonderful and worthy of love and that I love myself, hoping that one day it will stick. I feel better, that's true.

 

You are doing the right things....

 

BE WHO YOU ARE

 

Do the things you love to do. Redecorate your house to reflect who you are and don't worry at all about what other people like or what "experts" say. Spend your time the way you want to spend it. Do what makes YOU happy. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do for a living.

 

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

 

When the negative voices creep in, telling you you are ugly, doing something wrongly, not worthy, inferior to someone, confront the voice.

 

So if you are looking in the mirror, and you say "Ugh, I hate my fat thighs", first think about the GOOD qualities in your thighs. They are powerful and strong and carry you through your life. Without them, you would be in a wheelchair. The skin is smooth and keeps you well inside. Your thighs may not be perfect, but you are fortunate to have them. Then imagine a good friend standing in front of you and ask yourself if you would say it to them - would you look at your friend and say "Ugh, you have fat thighs!!!" If not, WHY would you treat yourself with any less love???? Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

 

INSPIRE YOURSELF

 

Listen to music that makes you feel happy. Watch movies that make you laugh. Read books that inspire you. Visit websites that make you feel good. Surround yourself with the positive, and set the negative aside.

BE KIND TO OTHERS - EVEN INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD

 

This takes practice, but I PROMISE you that if you can master it, you will be a much much happier person.

 

It's our nature to look at others and laugh at them inside. To say "OMG, those pants are so unflattering...she looks like a stuffed sausage!" or "Eww, look at her gross feet. Why is she wearing sandals?" or "That guy's combover isn't fooling anyone" or "Why can't she control her bratty kid? She's a crappy mom!"

 

But you can stop yourself from doing this stuff. You have to realize you are only seeing a snippet of their lives and have no right to judge them for that bit you can see. So make up stories that explain their behavior or actions.

The lady in the unflattering pants has gained 25 pounds since she lost her baby. She is struggling with simply living, and really doesn't care or notice her pants.

 

The woman with the gross feet just came back from a trip to Africa where she helped build a school for orphans, and hasn't had time to get a pedicure.

 

The guy with the combover goes home every night and looks at his bald head, knowing that is why nobody will ever love him. He is desperate and knows his combover looks terrible, but doesn't know what else to do. He is terrified of accepting his baldness.

 

The lady with the bratty kid just found out her husband is leaving her for someone else. There's been so much tension in their house, the child is acting out because of it, and she has no strength left to deal with it.

 

If you get in a habit of doing this, you'll start realizing that everyone has stories, and nobody is perfect, and we are all doing the best we can. Sure, some people have less dramatic stories. Maybe the woman with the gross feet just doesn't CARE about what her feet look like. Who is to say her attitude is wrong, and yours is right?

 

Once you really GET this, you will realize that nobody is better or worse than anyone else. We are all just different, with different values, priorities, pain, fears, and experiences that have created us.

 

A person who is successful, in a happy relationship, rich, and beautiful ISN'T better or happier than you. She just has a different set of worries and insecurities. Yes, some of her problems may not be "problems" in your eyes, but you can't judge unless you are in her shoes.

 

If you can let go of judging others, you can let go of judging yourself. And if you can let go of judging yourself, you can learn to accept yourself, imperfections and all.

 

We are all beautiful and perfectly imperfect. Including you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hi there. I relate to your situation, as I had a rough start in life (near poverty, verbal and emotional abuse, neglect, alcoholic parent), and am just really beginning to face all that and come to terms with it.

 

My big task right now is also to learn to love myself, take good care of myself, make a good life for myself. I still slip into the old self-defeating patterns sometimes, but I've come a long way.

 

One of the biggest deficits in my life is love and support - I'm pretty much on my own. I don't really have a family (I'm better off keeping my distance from their destructive habits), but only maintain distant contact with a couple of relatives. I've done my best to build a small family of friends. It's not quite the same as a real family, but it's the closest I've been able to create. I have a few friends I can talk to about anything, and they support me unconditionally, so that helps.

 

I switched to a new therapist a while back, and we're delving into all this stuff and I'm making some progress in accepting the hand I was dealt and making the best of it.

 

Other things that help me:

 

Volunteering to help the homeless, hungry, and impoverished, as it puts things in perspective, shows you that some people have it much worse than you, and feels good to help other people cope with their suffering.

 

Reading and discussing personal development books with a good friend of mine. We've read at least 2 dozen books together over the years, on everything from creativity to frugality to the power of positive thinking.

 

Eating healthy, exercising, and taking supplements. It has a major impact on my mood and well-being when I let these things slip, so I stay on top of it.

 

For me, writing is very therapeutic, and you can find lots of writing exercises to help free your mind and get you in a more positive mindset. I regularly review my notebook and highlight the important things, and when I look back, I can definitely see the progress.

 

Another thing that helps me is to focus on the silver lining of my dark past. I'm an unusually empathetic and compassionate person, because I know first-hand how dark and difficult life can be. I've also been forced to be unusually strong and independent, because I have to be to survive. It's the tough experiences in life that evoke and test your character. So from that point of view, I can be grateful for all the ways I've been tried and tested.

[pteromom]

A couple other ideas...

 

Start a gratitude journal... Every day, write down 5 things you are grateful for.

 

Practice noticing your good qualities.

 

When you look in the mirror, instead of seeing the negative, pay attention to the things you like... and tell yourself "My eyes look beautiful with this dress." "My hair is so shiny today!" etc etc

 

When you do something you are proud of, acknowledge it. "My bedroom is looking beautiful. I've done a great job decorating it!" "That comment I just made on Facebook is hilarious. I am really very funny!" "My outfit looks cool today. I am good at knowing what works for me."

 

Notice the little things.

 

Sit outside and listen to birds sing. Sit at a park and watch children play. Find shapes in clouds. Sit in a quiet place and just breathe and pay attention to the feelings and sounds and all the wonders of your own body. Feel a breeze blow through your hair. As you experience all these small things, take a moment to be grateful for them.

[whirl3daway]

Sit outside and listen to birds sing. Sit at a park and watch children play. Find shapes in clouds. Sit in a quiet place and just breathe and pay attention to the feelings and sounds and all the wonders of your own body. Feel a breeze blow through your hair. As you experience all these small things, take a moment to be grateful for them.

 

This sounds a lot like mindfulness. I've been doing DBT, and although I'm a pretty staunch atheist, the philosophies behind DBT seem to make a lot of sense to me. learning to be "in the moment" has been a good tool to overcome the really bad feelings. focusing on allowing myself to feel, not judging myself, and letting go of negativity has helped.

 

I try to always see the beauty in life, but sometimes I can get so bogged down by the bad things that have happened to me. I get very distracted by how "unfair" my life has been - which is not very healthy. Life isn't fair, it just is. Some people have things I don't, but I have things that others don't.

 

I think I have come a long way. I have often used drugs/alcohol/sex/relationships as a way to fill that void. I don't feel that need as often, which is a blessing in and of itself. I am trying to learn to just DEAL with how I'm feeling, and accept it.

 

It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to feel sad. It won't last forever. It's just a feeling. Everyone feels like they will be alone forever, that they won't find the right person. Life isn't about trying to heal yourself with someone else. I have to heal myself.

[whirl3daway]

For me, writing is very therapeutic, and you can find lots of writing exercises to help free your mind and get you in a more positive mindset. I regularly review my notebook and highlight the important things, and when I look back, I can definitely see the progress.

 

 

This sounds quite helpful to me also. Do you have any links you can share to find these kinds of prompts?

[pink_sugar]

Hi OP,

 

I can definitely relate to your situation. I have been away from the abusive situation for nearly 7 years. Being away and being able to discover myself and surround myself with people who are truly good to me and accept me for who I am allowed me to repair my self esteem. I try and focus on what's good in my life compared to where I was. I also recovered after years of therapy. It takes time, but you can build self confidence. Do things that make you happy and focus on the things you are good at. Being around people who support you unconditionally and leaving the negativity behind is key. Also, you need to step out of your comfort zone. Try new things...don't be afraid of rejection or making mistakes. It's okay. It really helps build your confidence and soon you will not have as much adversity.

Edited April 29, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't have any links, as I got most of my writing ideas from books. But if you search on "writing exercises for healing" and similar, you will find tons of ideas.

 

I agree with pteromom's idea to write down what you're thankful for. The truth is that no matter how hard things get, we all have many things to be thankful for. Focusing on what you DO have, what you're glad to have, really helps and has a way of attracting more good things.

 

I also find reggae music very uplifting and fun when I'm down. The best of that music is usually made by people who are very poor and downtrodden, but somehow find a way to celebrate life, anyway. A couple of good ones:

 

Delroy wilson better must come - YouTube