Epilogue

[Brokenlady]

As some of you may recall, I started with my MM 7 years ago. We had a very tumultuous relationship because he lied and betrayed me for his now ex-wife so often. And then I did something I really regret. I married him three years ago.

 

The major boundary violations with his ex-wife and the lying continued. His inability to be a parent to his children also continued and rose to a level where I had to leave with my children. In addition, he cheated on me for most of the last year of our marriage because he didn't want to be alone when I inevitably left him and he certainly didn't want to address his own issues though he purported to desperately want to save the marriage. This woman destroyed her own marriage to be with him and he's telling her the EXACT SAME LIES he told me about his first wife. He's telling her i'm a B on wheels and yet he's sending me messages begging me to come back. He's describing me with the exact same words he uses for his first xW. It was all an illusion and lies and manipulation. All of it. (odd side note: Even After everything, my husband's first ex-wife still wants him back. Crazy.)

 

And now of course, true to form, he's turning the divorce process into a circus. It's only been recently that i've really been able to accept that he's genuinely pathological and I can't fix it. The new OWs hell is just beginning. Mine is finally drawing to a close.

[Speakingofwhich]

So happy for you! And can imagine you're going to be relieved when the divorce is final!

[Owl]

BL...it had to take some serious courage to post what you did. I commend you.

 

I hope that things work out for you and your children as best as they possibly can.

[PhoenixRise]

Brokenlady

 

I remember your story and I agree with Owl that it must have taken buckets of courage for you to post your epilogue.

 

The behavior of your STBX is just crazy making. He made his 1st wife crazy, Im sure he has done a number on you and the OW/next victim is going to get the same treatment.

 

Good for you for getting yourself and your children away from him.

 

I wish you the very best of luck.

[Brokenlady]

What bothers me most is knowing it doesn't end with me. He put my life in a blender and has no consequences - and is already repeating the pattern with the new OW. Sadly I'm not mad at her or even surprised that she took him back after I told her the truth about him. I know how convincing he is. Been there, done that. I will get through it. And my kids have been wonderful. They've had much better lives since we left and they know I acted to protect them, even when I couldn't bring myself to protect me.

 

He is of course purposely screwing with me over finals- I'm in law school ironically enough. And if I could just manage to eat and let go of the anger, I'd be in better shape, but in doing my best to not let him ruin my future.

[cocorico]

I am sorry your R has ended up badly for you, Brokenlady. I agree with previous posters that it must have taken a great deal of courage to return here after posting a "success story" to post an update of it imploding.

 

The major boundary violations with his ex-wife and the lying continued. His inability to be a parent to his children also continued and rose to a level where I had to leave with my children.

 

I don't know the details of your backstory, but this suggests that these behaviours had manifested earlier in his R with you. It would seem that he had been unwilling - or unable - to address these or resolve them, to the extent where it damaged your R irreparably. I'm really sorry to hear that. Did he undertake any IC or family counselling after his previous D, or any couples counselling with you, to help resolve the issues you mentioned (or any others you identified as problems)?

 

Most people go through a period of introspection after a D or the breakup of a LTR, trying to understand what went wrong, and what they need to address in order to prevent a repeat in their next R. Perhaps he did not do this, or perhaps he convinced himself that the issues would go away if he was with you rather than with her? Either way, that seems to have put you in the difficult position of having to deal with a man who was unwilling or unable to learn proper R or parenting behaviours, putting yourself and your children in an unsustainable position.

 

In addition, he cheated on me for most of the last year of our marriage because he didn't want to be alone when I inevitably left him and he certainly didn't want to address his own issues though he purported to desperately want to save the marriage.

 

He cheated on you once you'd left him? I'm not sure I understand why it was cheating if you'd already left him?

 

I'm sorry you are struggling with the fallout from this when you have exams to face and kids to raise, but you sound strong and I hope you are able to direct your focus where you need it to get through this demanding time.

[Brokenlady]

Cocorico,

 

This site is littered with my backstory. Therapy won't help him- he's personality disordered. He used me, just like he used his ex and is using the new ow. He lies and manipulated to get what he wanted. He doesn't have remorse. He cannot empathize and he's a fantastic liar and preys on people who desperately want to believe him even when all the evidence is to the contrary. Women who minimize and excuse the worst behaviors. If you read my posts you can see me do it in action.

 

And of course the affair was way before I left.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like a twisted narcissist.

 

You are free now, focus on healing and moving on. He is scum and anybody he gets involved with eventually gets hurt by him. Good riddance!

[cocorico]

Cocorico,

 

This site is littered with my backstory. Therapy won't help him- he's personality disordered. He used me, just like he used his ex and is using the new ow. He lies and manipulated to get what he wanted. He doesn't have remorse. He cannot empathize and he's a fantastic liar and preys on people who desperately want to believe him even when all the evidence is to the contrary. Women who minimize and excuse the worst behaviors. If you read my posts you can see me do it in action.

 

Sounds like you are much better off away from that. I'm sorry you got drawn in by someone so destructive.

 

And of course the affair was way before I left.

 

Ah - thanks for clarifying that. From the way it was written it sounded like you left, and then he cheated, but rereading it with your clarification it seems like he started the A before you left as some kind of insurance because he expected you to leave? Is that the correct reading? In which case it doesn't sound as though he really invests in a R - he's happy to be a tourist and enjoy the benefits without making civic contributions or paying his taxes.

 

I hope all this does not impact too negatively on your exams.

[Brokenlady]

rereading it with your clarification it seems like he started the A before you left as some kind of insurance because he expected you to leave? Is that the correct reading? In which case it doesn't sound as though he really invests in a R - he's happy to be a tourist and enjoy the benefits without making civic contributions or paying his taxes.

 

Yes - that was the meaning I was going for. And yes, I think that's exactly right.

[jellybean89]

BrokenLady,

 

I went back and read your story and wow...WOW.

 

I am glad you are away from him and glad your children do not have him in their lives anymore. Did you two have children together?

 

It is amazing to me the depths some men go to to betray women. It's sickening and disgusting.

 

I am glad you realized what was going on and have taken the steps necessary to keep him out of your life. Don't worry about his current OW/GF..she won't believe you at this point and you would be wasting your time and sanity to show her what he is really like. She will have to see it herself.

 

I wish you the best of luck as you heal from this nightmare.

[Speakingofwhich]

Brokenlady, I have been through this same type thing, except for the fact that the man I met and became involved with was single when we met, as I was.

 

Unbeknownst to me, he was in a serious R with another woman that he broke off a week after meeting me, I found out later.

 

We dated seriously for four + years and then he did the same thing to me, became involved with someone else behind my back and soon broke up with me (actually I noticed he was becoming distant and broke up with him but in essence it was his behavior that broke us up).

 

He did the same thing with the next woman, only they married first. Thankfully, I had not married him.

 

Point is, there are people who go from person to person, always beginning the new R before the old one is over and never able to sustain a long term R. Some of these people are married and some of them are single.

 

The good news for you is that this type of shallow love such a person offers is not a love that follows you/stays with you over the years. Once you get over the initial heartbreak and anger associated with such a breakup you are totally free of them, realizing their shallow capacity to love and commit.

 

They pretty much are a blip in your life's history and you move on to better things! I don't mean to seem callous but the way this guy has treated you will, in the long run, be the very thing that releases you from ever having lingering desires for him.

Edited May 4, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[herenow]

Hi Brokenlady,

 

I am also so sorry that you have been put through this. Until he faces his own reality and deals with his problems, he will never be able to truly commit to anyone. At least you have accepted that and are able to move on to a happier and healthier life. Again, I am sorry he caused you such pain, but congratulations on what I am sure will be happiness in your future.

[Brokenlady]

BrokenLady,

 

I went back and read your story and wow...WOW.

 

I am glad you are away from him and glad your children do not have him in their lives anymore. Did you two have children together?

 

It is amazing to me the depths some men go to to betray women. It's sickening and disgusting.

 

I am glad you realized what was going on and have taken the steps necessary to keep him out of your life. Don't worry about his current OW/GF..she won't believe you at this point and you would be wasting your time and sanity to show her what he is really like. She will have to see it herself.

 

I wish you the best of luck as you heal from this nightmare.

 

Thanks. Sadly I went back and read some of it and got ill. I forgot about some of the really crappy things he did, ugh.

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

Scary stuff there, BL. So sad for you and the kids - and happy for you at the same time. You are FREE! He sounds like a total creep and I'm glad you saw him for what he was.

 

I'm glad you posted this, though. So many people assume there is a 'happily-ever-after' and it's good to post the truth. Sometimes the fairy tale really is more of a nightmare.

[SugarHibiscus]

BL- Thank you for coming back an updating. It must have taken a lot of courage but is immensely helpful.

 

I'm in the process of getting out of my nearly 2 year affair with an attached OM. (I'm a MOW.) He really wants me to leave my H to be with him but I can't. I feel like if he could do this to his SO, he could easily do it to me.

 

 

My gut tells me that I'm dodging a bullet and your story is helping be realize that I need to trust me instinct.

[Brokenlady]

So our divorce was final about 6 months after my last post. The mistress left him after catching him repeatedly cheating on her, so he the. Hooked up with someone who appears to be a carbon copy of his first wife and moved her in quickly. He then promptly tried to re-engage me as the OW -trying to repeat 8 years ago, basically. That kind of thing would take a lot of balls to propose, IF we were dealing with someone who had an capacity for empathy or shame, but of course we're not. I've permanently blocked his ability to contact me, but I thought the update was worth mentioning in case anyone wonders if these guys ever change or learn their lesson. No. No they do not.

[Ms. Faust]

So our divorce was final about 6 months after my last post. The mistress left him after catching him repeatedly cheating on her, so he the. Hooked up with someone who appears to be a carbon copy of his first wife and moved her in quickly. He then promptly tried to re-engage me as the OW -trying to repeat 8 years ago, basically. That kind of thing would take a lot of balls to propose, IF we were dealing with someone who had an capacity for empathy or shame, but of course we're not. I've permanently blocked his ability to contact me, but I thought the update was worth mentioning in case anyone wonders if these guys ever change or learn their lesson. No. No they do not.

 

Thank you for the update, and thank God you are out of that toxic scenario.

[Friskyone4u]

Sorry this has happened to you.

 

You ought to stay on here and try to help some of thesde delusional OW who think their MM is Prince Charming and who are headed right where you are.

 

Hope you get through this OK

[Ms. Faust]

BL, I went back and read your story, and I am absolutely amazed. Kudos to you for coming back and updating after sharing your "success" story. I do have some questions:

 

How have you healed from all of this? How is your self esteem? Do you suffer from any stress disorder due to what he put you through?

 

How are you focusing on your life? What do you think it was about him that he was able to eventually manipulate you to marry him? Was there a single event that clicked that made you realize you had to run for the hills?

 

Truly, good luck with your future endeavors. Your story is remarkable.

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks for the update Broken.

 

If you don't mind me asking.... When you reflect back on the last 8, 9? Years, what are the changes you see in yourself. When you compare the younger pre affair you to the woman you see today?

 

No judgment ... Wondering how your story has changed you. It's a very long and tumultuous story.

[Brokenlady]

 

How have you healed from all of this? How is your self esteem? Do you suffer from any stress disorder due to what he put you through?

 

How are you focusing on your life? What do you think it was about him that he was able to eventually manipulate you to marry him? Was there a single event that clicked that made you realize you had to run for the hills?

 

Truly, good luck with your future endeavors. Your story is remarkable.

 

I don't know that I have completely healed - I suspect that for better worse I will bear the scars forever. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It was a painful experience but one I've grown from. What has been particularly important is recognizing him for the broken personality disordered person he is, and being able to walk away in complete certitude that there's nothing I could do to change it. I was doing really great until he reached out to me professionally recently and I had a few week breakdown until I remembered what he's about. I really was surprised that he was even able to push my buttons again. Fortunately it was very short lived and ended with a greater sense of peace that divorcing him was the absolutely correct choice. It's apparently exceedingly easy for him to manipulate me, in part because I'm extremely empathic and he knows it and uses it to his own advantage. Still, I do have my limits, which is why he does this crap to me- it's a challenge. The woman he's with now, just like his exwife, put up with much much worse than I did or would tolerate. Breaking them down is apparently easy and so not much fun, apparently, so he tried to screw with my head again. Sadly, his first exwife is STILL begging him back.

 

I always believed in his capacity to change, even despite volumes of evidence to the contrary. To the extent that I believed it only affected me, I just tolerated it. The breaking point was a day when everything came together in a perfect storm - I caught him in a lie about being out with his exwife after a billion promises not to do that anymore and it became public knowledge that he was not only allowing his son to have gigantic drugs parties in our house (stuff was stolen and broken constantly), he started purchasing drugs for his son. At that point I couldn't pretend anymore that he was going to deal with what was happening and I had to protect my kids and myself so I called a friend and over everything with her while he was at work. It soon came out that he'd been cheating with some other woman, though at that point, that was the least of my concerns. I left with no income (I quit working to go to law school full time). Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to let him win, finished school, passed the bar, and with that and focusing on my kids, I didn't even have time to worry about him. Being busy makes refocusing a hell of a lot easier. Now if he would stop trying to ruin me professionally...but oh well.

[Brokenlady]

Thanks for the update Broken.

 

If you don't mind me asking.... When you reflect back on the last 8, 9? Years, what are the changes you see in yourself. When you compare the younger pre affair you to the woman you see today?

 

No judgment ... Wondering how your story has changed you. It's a very long and tumultuous story.

 

I'm traumatized, of course. I occasionally get triggered by ridiculous things. But I know he can't hurt me anymore. I can say that in the several relationships I've had since then, none has come within light years of damaging me that way, so I'm braver now, less tolerant of the unacceptable, and more comfortable with the very real possibility that I'll never have the relationship I want. If I stay alone forever, I do. It's not the end of the damn world. I still struggle with that sometimes, but I always come back to the reality that my life with just my kids is calm, peaceful and always going to be better than if it were supplemented by someone who will make me miserable.

[Ms. Faust]

It is scary to think he can possibly still have power over you. Just keep your kids in mind!! Your ex husband almost sounds like a sociopath. Yikes!

[WestEndGirl]

OP, I wasn't around when you posted your story. I'm glad that you got out of such a sticky sitch with an abhorrent man and that you're finding your own way again. You seem to have it all together. Kudos to you for that!

 

I think there's a lesson in this: the MP may not be what they seem. Sometimes married couples are just a simple mismatch, or they've irrevocably grown apart. I think that if both are decent and kind people, they acknowledge this and move in different directions quickly. I can't see one of them cheating on the other for years.

 

It's the MPs that do this for a loooong time and get caught repeatedly, only to fail to end the M or the A for good that I have difficulty fully trusting.