Using Cocaine - do I have a problem??

[bluechocolate]

I suppose the mere fact that I'm posing this question means that I know the answer & the question is rhetorical.

 

The other day, after being up for 30 hours & going through a few grams of coke & starting the depressing "come down day" I really wanted to log on & tell you all about it - but the come down day is always such a bitch (especially when the stuff is good - which this lot was & is) and writing about it would just make it worse, so I didn't. And of course once the come down is over I'm back to the rational guy without a problem who has everything under control. Except I'm not really sure that I do.

 

In the past month I've probably gone through a dozen grams (I've been using a lot longer than the past month but my usage is definitely escalating). I'm not using everyday & can go weeks without it with seemingly no ill effects. Lately however it seems that the only time I'm not using is when I'm out of the country, which to my mind suggests that my use is driven my boredom (& most likely a few other things).

 

All is not entirely well in my life & I feel that I have absolutely no one to confide in. I've spent years constructing the edifice of a perfect life & projecting the image of a successful sophisticate. I suppose some people I know would love to see the chink in the armour, I don't know, and like I said, I don't feel that I can confide in any of my friends! How 'effin sad is that? What's even more sad is that I can't (or won't) confide in my partner.

 

Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here & I've strayed off topic - which was my cocaine use. I'm not even sure that I should call it "recreational" seeing as how I'm using alone. This is how good I am at putting up a front - I live with someone yet am able to use coke on a fairly regular basis lately, right under their nose (no pun intended) & they haven't a clue! This of course leads to all kinds of other questions but I'll just leave those for the time being.

 

Well, like I said, I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for with this "true confessional" of mine. In a way I think I'm seeing what it's like to be vulnerable, to have a problem, to share a problem. For heavens sake I didn't even want to share this with a bunch of nameless, faceless strangers! So I guess it's a start.

[Starry_Night]

Thank you for sharing this. I have just came off of a five day binge in which I probably used (smoked) about 11-12 grams I feel sad about it and depressed that I let myself get so far down. I wish I knew words of advice to offer you and a way to help you to feel better but in all honesty all I can say is I am sorry and just know that you are not alone.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, blue

 

I have no idea what to tell you... the only thing I can say is that the longer you use it, the harder it will be to part with it and the more it will screw with your head...

 

You're unhappy for some reason. Don't blame it on the coke or on your partner. She can't see through you. She can only see what you let her see.

 

I'm terribly sorry you ever thought about that.Throw it away. Take to smoking . It f*cks up your brain, blue. And you are an exceptional guy, had an exceptional life and just worked too damn hard to end up like that.

 

 

Confront the source of your misery and throw that s*** away. Remember that all people are weak and don't be that hard on yourself. YOu could take a few sessions with a psycologyst and see why you feel so not in control and alone. PArt of me gets your point, I also live far away from where I was born...

 

 

Don't be afraid to ask for help, blue, on the net just like in the real life.

 

 

Big hug,

 

Curly

[moimeme]

Oh blue!

 

Why not confide in your partner? That's what he's there for! Your beloved should be your 'soft place to land' as good ol' Dr. Phil says. For all his blowhardedness, he does hit it right on the head sometimes and that's one of the things he's bang on about.

 

But if you really can't open up to him - do it here. You've got friends and fans who'd be more than happy to lend an ear and a shoulder.

 

Merry

[bluetuesday]

oh bluechoc

 

i'm sorry, man.

 

yes, i agree you have a problem and it needs sorting. the coke seems to be a symptom but it's not the cause, especially if you can go for weeks without.

 

you say all is not well. please find someone to speak to about this. if the problem is not with your partner, and even if it is, try to find a way to speak to him. it is sad after 5 years together you can't share something that's obviously getting you down. he may surprise you.

 

and sometimes you need support without answers. you shared with us. it's what we're here for. but you're a smart guy. you know the answer to this one yourself.

 

take care.

[shamen]

Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this right now...

 

You do indeed have a problem with this drug. Especially if you are doing it by yourself. You should talk to your partner re: this. I have been a drug abuser in the past (my favorite was by far coke) and was in a relationship with one (whose favorite was coke) too. It's hard to walk away from... I can't do it anymore (not even recreationally) without fear of getting too connected with it again. In fact, I don't do any drugs anymore at all.

 

But it is possible. You can do it. You've got to try to include someone in your life in this to get through it. If you've got to talk about it here to start, hey, like you said, it's a start. Eventually you need to include someone else in the process. It's hard to do on your own.

 

You probably know all the ways to walk away from it. If you need any suggestions, I've got a few.

[brashgal]

Telling us took guts and was good practice for telling your partner. Any of us that have arrived at a certain age and status have skeletons in the closet, it takes incredible strength of character to unmask to our friends. Unmasking can strengthen or destroy bonds so yes, it's damn scary.

 

I hope things improve for you - I think they will since you are starting to be honest with yourself.

[NiCoLe20]

its gonna be hard to just stop cold turkey but you gotta take it down a notch... they dont call this the

 

''white devil'' for nothing... it'll make you depressed, sad, mad, looking for ways to steal, cause problems at the job/ or with your family & friends, ect....

 

i did some over the weekend but just a gram... its the rich mans drug... i cant afford it like that. serisouly- you gotta think of allthe money you'd save if you didnt buy it. you couldve had a whole new wardrobe, new sneakers, or even something for your car. thats how i look at it now- its a waste of money...

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

See the problem with coke is that you fiend(sp) for more. And more and more. Thats why you go through those binges. I do it about every other weekend, but I make sure that I only get one gram, not 3 at a time. By the time I'm done with that one....my dealer is sleeping. Then the next day I come down and thats that. People say that if you do it "once in a while" it will turn into a habit. Thats where self control comes into play. If all your friends do it as heavy as you do than thats not good either....their right behind you with the rolled up dollar. Do something else. Go to the movies, anything so you and your friends aren't at your house going " Want to get some Yay"?

But you do have a problem, but a problem that you can control.

[Pocky]

If it's merely boredom that drives your habit why don't you make some changes in your life?

[bluechocolate]

from Starry_Night

I have just came off of a five day binge in which I probably used (smoked) about 11-12 grams I feel sad about it and depressed that I let myself get so far down.

ouch! are you OK?

from CurlyIam

Take to smoking

Yikes!! Are you giving me permission to smoke?? Stupid thing is I gave up smoking over a month ago - and somehow I can still do the coke without smoking! which surprised me - usually I smoked twice as much when I was using....

from Moimeme

Why not confide in your partner? That's what he's there for! Your beloved should be your 'soft place to land' as good ol' Dr. Phil says.

Why not? It's a good question & one that I can't honestly answer..

 

Perhaps Brashgal has something here....

from Brashgal

Unmasking can strengthen or destroy bonds so yes, it's damn scary.

And I don't need help from anybody! I've always been uber-independent, made my own way in life, people depend on me,.....

 

I kept telling myself that it's "recreational" & that it's under control, and in a way I believe that - especially after I've slept & eaten & walked the dog - all is right again..... but if somebody else described my behaviour over the past 6 months or so I would definitely say they have a problem, so I guess it's time to be "smart" enough to realise it

from bluetuesday

the coke seems to be a symptom but it's not the cause, especially if you can go for weeks without.

thats what I keep telling myself but it seems like those weeks are turning into days

from shamen

You probably know all the ways to walk away from it. If you need any suggestions, I've got a few.

Some suggestions would be good - after starting this thread I called the guy & had him bring over even more - I've lost another two days - by my reckoning that's one week gone outta the past four so whatever it is that I know ain't helping right now

from IhavenoFREAKINclue

People say that if you do it "once in a while" it will turn into a habit. Thats where self control comes into play.

I'd say they were right. Thing is I never do anything by halves, so 1g., forget it, gotta get 3 or 5 at a time & if it's a good lot you think "well I'll get extra 'cause you don't know when it's gonna be this good again", thinking you'll put some aside for another day.... yeah, right.... put some aside?

from Pocky

If it's merely boredom that drives your habit why don't you make some changes in your life?

That's a crock, just a stupid excuse - there's plenty to do & I actually do plenty (aside from those "lost days")

 

I''ve decided to run away for a while - I'm packing a stack of books & a week from Friday I'm going to be taking long train journeys through Austria, Slovakia, Hungary & the Czech Republic.

 

I'm hoping there's still plenty of snow around (ha ha) as a bleak winter landscape would suit the mood.

 

Running away isn't going to solve anything, but it will get me away from the stuff long enough (I hope) to get my head around some s*h*i*t.

[CurlyIam]

Hum... A minor info: In Belorussia yersterday = -41°C. Romania (borders Hungary): -35°C.

 

 

I don't know next week, but right now it's FREEZING there. Thought you should know.

 

Blue, what the heck's the matter with you. You're usually a sensitive guy, the person writing the post above has a strike of a spoilled, difficult teen ager. No more mister "nice guy", blue?

 

Did you have enough? What happened? PRessure at work? What?

 

Quit that s***, it's f*cking your brain, man. That's what you have the most precious. Ability to reason.

 

What are you running away from? What's haunting you, blue?

[shamen]

Per your request, some suggestions:

 

1) Lose the dealer's phone number. If it's in your cellphone, chances are that you probably don't know it anyway. Erase it without even looking at it. Throw away the paper that it's on if it's on paper.

 

2) Stop hanging out anywhere that you know your dealer will be.

 

3) If you know anyone who does it, stop hanging out with them. Connect with people who don't use. Make some new friends. Easier said than done, but a necessary part, I think. (But if you're using by yourself, I don't know how useful this suggestion is for you.)

 

4) Find someone you can talk to about what's going on if you can, please. Someone who's clean. If you can find someone who's gone through severing the connection before, even better. You said that you think that you don't need anyone, but IMHO you do in this situation.

 

5) I don't know where it is exactly that you live, but you should check out the NA website. http://www.na.org/, if you're into that sort of thing. (For some reason when you initially click on this address, it'll say that the page can not be found, but then you can click onto the other listed website in the "can't find it page" and it'll connect. I have no idea why it's doing this.) This doesn't work for everybody, because of the higher power thing, but it could be a place to start.

 

I moved from the city that I was living in to get away from my habit. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. This doesn't always work for everyone because they just find new people in the new place to help supply the habit.

 

You're scaring yourself now. That's always what does it. It's good to be scared when you're doing this. But it sucks. The hangover coming off of it is the worst. And only more will make you feel better, right? Bull. You know that it'll just keep getting worse.

 

I'm no professional, but just someone who's gone through what you're going through. Know that you can walk away from this. Sh**, I lived through my 20s. You can do this. We're all here for you.

[bluechocolate]

Well I told him & the earth didn't stop turning. One of the reasons I was hesitant was that the guy I was buying from is an old school chum of his, which is also why it would be difficult just to stop associating with him. I kinda felt that I would be betraying two confidences but as it turned out he wasn't interested in where I was getting it from, primarily 'cause he knows - he's helped bail him out from trouble with coke in the past & I suspect we won't be seeing much of him now.

 

Despite the "higher being" aspect I found that the NA had some very useful information & insights. I also discovered that coke had yet to become a major problem in my life though the possibility was certainly there. I really started to worry because I literally lost a few days - swore it was Sunday when it was Monday, missed a piano lesson 'cause I was convinced it was Wednesday, etc... and when I thought back more than a few of these instances had occurred since mid-December - days where I hadn't left the house, hadn't eaten, Christmas & New Year's were a blur.... and it had been building - weeks, then a week, then a few days.....

 

Anyway, we had hours & hours of conversation, some of it facilitated - some things have got to change - getting out of the 'burbs for one - so will be looking to move house the end of this year. Moving back into a big city means I'll be able to take a job somewhere - that way I'll be getting out of the house & start interacting with real people again - this sabbatical has gone on long enough. Grappling with the fact that staying in this relationship for very much longer means I'll probably never have a child (but of course ending a perfectly good relationship is certainly no guarantee of having children either). Also aspects of the way in which we relate (& don't, for that matter)...... the list goes on, suffice to say I have made a start. And after being a smoker for over 20 years (the last 5 of which quite heavy) I don't think I've given myself enough room for how much quitting can & has affected my moods. Which, Curly, is perhaps the surly teenager? And yes, it's been jolly cold over there - I've been watching the temps., but has warmed up to a more respectable 0 to minus 6 & am looking forward to it!

 

 

 

------------------------

 

an aside - for the edification of some (perhaps it is just that you have to be the top of the list in each forum??) - from where I am living, going to Eastern Europe is literally like asking your mate what they're doing for the weekend (gosh, don't we see that question a lot here?!) - 2 hours & less than £70 for a return flight - it's no big deal. Snow & train rides felt like the right thing for the mood I was in. Granted that information was and is irrelevant, but hey, the next time I shave my balls, discover someone with the same surname as myself or suffer from a hangover, I'll be sure to let y'all know. May you live in interesting times.

[Barby]

Grappling with the fact that staying in this relationship for very much longer means I'll probably never have a child (but of course ending a perfectly good relationship is certainly no guarantee of having children either).

 

 

Could the two of you adopt? Would that be an option? (you don't have to answer, just a suggestion that you've probably thought about already).

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by Barby

Could the two of you adopt? Would that be an option? (you don't have to answer, just a suggestion that you've probably thought about already).

Given that we're both blokes it's highly unlikely that adoption will ever be an option - at least in our life-times. The surrogate route has occurred to me many times, as has approaching friends - that still is an option.

 

This was a topic I was going to bring up seperately (somehow wanting children & coke addiction just don't seem terribly compatible ), perhaps one day I will - raise the topic, that is.

[Barby]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

 

Given that we're both blokes it's highly unlikely that adoption will ever be an option - at least in our life-times. The surrogate route has occurred to me many times, as has approaching friends - that still is an option.

 

This was a topic I was going to bring up seperately (somehow wanting children & coke addiction just don't seem terribly compatible ), perhaps one day I will - raise the topic, that is.

 

 

Hahaha I understand about the addiction/children thing..but assuming you did want to do this I would advise to checking into international adoption...honestly there are A LOT of good agencies that allow 2 men to adopt children, what counts is stability financially, emotionally, ect, ect...anyway sorry to hijack the thread to this topic but discovery health channel has a show called "adoption stories" there are a lot of good links on their site and information about this very issue! (men and women couples adopting)

[CurlyIam]

Yup, you're right, it's kinda snowing there (and raining in between). You should head out to Paris - 6-8° C, it's not raining and sometimes we even have shiny days. Almost no tourists, so that is great!

 

I wish I were a teen. I'm in my 20's allright.

 

So... you're thinking of leaving the guy you're with because you won't have children? That's gonna be tough.

 

Very very nice to hear you talking about it to your SO. I think it must be indeed very hard to put order in your life. When it comes to making choices I'm really bad at it, so you have all my support.

 

You sure have guts, I give you that.

[blind_otter]

A coupla weeks ago I went on an 8 day binge and skipped work and even (gasp) LS!

 

It's good to be aware. I'm at the point where I'm trying to stop. I only get weak when I drink. Which is kind of often. But I never use alone, my bestfriend T has started doing that and it makes me soooooo sad to see that.

 

I kinda went off the deep end after having amiscarriage last december, so I in some absurd way understand the whole not having children, anesthatizing yourself to the world route.

 

I dunno what to say because I'm still using occassionally, did some last saturday.

 

But IHNFC is right about forcing moderation. I only buy at most 1 gram at a time, and I basically just do keybumps to keep drinking.

[bluechocolate]

from blind_otter

But I never use alone, my bestfriend T has started doing that and it makes me soooooo sad to see that.

That's the thing - I was & had been for months, got to the point where I didn't want anyone else around - that would just really piss me off. I 'reckoned that couldn't be good - using alone like that.

from blind_otter

I only buy at most 1 gram at a time, and I basically just do keybumps to keep drinking

I'd use until I got really wired & then hit the booze in an attempt to slow things down a bit.

from blind_otter

It's good to be aware. I'm at the point where I'm trying to stop.

Aware is where I was at (I think) - wake up call was sitting in a pub at 11am (what day is it??), downing pints & hoping no one notices the nose bleed - that was a week ago.

from CurlyIam

You should head out to Paris - 6-8° C, it's not raining and sometimes we even have shiny days. Almost no tourists, so that is great!

It's been pretty warm over here too - 10 to 12C & much sunshine lately (I'm beginning to think this country never really has winter!).

from CurlyIam

...so you have all my support.

Thank you.

 

The thing with children was just one topic among many that was hit upon when we were talking about why my using was spinning out of control. I'm not ready to end my relationship over it & there is much more to explore about it, so I probably will sound LS out about it one day.

[CurlyIam]

Very funny motto, there, blue. Scares the crap outta me .

 

Jeez, nose bleed... I know I'm repeating myself, but I don't quite undertand what drives you to do this. What's eating you up inside...

 

Since you have a bf, but you think about having children I get that you're bi. I also remember you used to travel extensivily, but quit.

 

 

So tell us about your plans. Like what you'd like to be doing to ba happy with yourself. I cannot imagine anyone as brilliant as you in a bar at 11 o'clock unless he were really unhappy.

 

Maybe you'd like to take a closer look at that and share.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

Curly

[shamen]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

Well I told him & the earth didn't stop turning. One of the reasons I was hesitant was that the guy I was buying from is an old school chum of his, which is also why it would be difficult just to stop associating with him. I kinda felt that I would be betraying two confidences but as it turned out he wasn't interested in where I was getting it from, primarily 'cause he knows - he's helped bail him out from trouble with coke in the past & I suspect we won't be seeing much of him now.

 

Despite the "higher being" aspect I found that the NA had some very useful information & insights. I also discovered that coke had yet to become a major problem in my life though the possibility was certainly there. I really started to worry because I literally lost a few days - swore it was Sunday when it was Monday, missed a piano lesson 'cause I was convinced it was Wednesday, etc... and when I thought back more than a few of these instances had occurred since mid-December - days where I hadn't left the house, hadn't eaten, Christmas & New Year's were a blur.... and it had been building - weeks, then a week, then a few days.....

 

Anyway, we had hours & hours of conversation, some of it facilitated - some things have got to change - getting out of the 'burbs for one - so will be looking to move house the end of this year. Moving back into a big city means I'll be able to take a job somewhere - that way I'll be getting out of the house & start interacting with real people again - this sabbatical has gone on long enough. Grappling with the fact that staying in this relationship for very much longer means I'll probably never have a child (but of course ending a perfectly good relationship is certainly no guarantee of having children either). Also aspects of the way in which we relate (& don't, for that matter)...... the list goes on, suffice to say I have made a start. And after being a smoker for over 20 years (the last 5 of which quite heavy) I don't think I've given myself enough room for how much quitting can & has affected my moods.

 

Congrats bluechocolate for making the move to talk to him. It takes a lot of guts to do it. I'm glad that you won't be seeing much of your old dealer.

 

I'm also happy that the NA website had some useful information for you. When you start losing days and getting nosebleeds, no doubt that there's some potential for some really serious issues with the drug.

 

You've made a great start to get you out of the little hole that you've dug for yourself. Pat yourself on the back for talking to your beau! Sounds like the conversation was heartfelt and real. A connection that you needed to re-establish. Doing coke makes it easy to not connect.

 

Stay strong. Good luck on the searching for a new place in a big city!

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Very funny motto, there, blue. Scares the crap outta me

I thought it was quite amusing actually.

Originally posted by CurlyIam

So tell us about your plans.

I probably will - plans & ponderings. Yes, I used to travel a lot (still do, but now for pleasure). More importantly, despite the traveling, I used to be very social - that has dropped off tremendously - am spending way too much time alone - (funny how you can live with someone & actually be more alone than when you were single & transient). Maybe it's these English folk who aren't social?

from shamen

Congrats bluechocolate for making the move to talk to him. It takes a lot of guts to do it.

Thanks shamen. I'm not someone people would generally describe as "not having the guts" so surprising to me that initially it felt so difficult.

from shamen

When you start losing days and getting nosebleeds, no doubt that there's some potential for some really serious issues with the drug.

That's what I figured - hence the posting. Seems more than likely that I had already decided that something had to change & posting here was the catalyst to get that ball rolling. I was also in danger of romanticising it - being poetically tragic, digging a dipper hole, getting all gaunt & gothic & then dragging myself miraculously out of the depths, checking into a clinic, re-making the man.... quite pathetic really. And in the end wouldn't solve anything as it would have been just an exercise in killing time while avoiding the real issues.

from shamen

Pat yourself on the back for talking to your beau! Sounds like the conversation was heartfelt and real. A connection that you needed to re-establish. Doing coke makes it easy to not connect.

I think you're right there - & it rather distorts ones feelings & perceptions, in some cases making things worse than they actually are, in others making you believe that you can overcome stuff all by myself, letting you point fingers of blame in all directions away from oneself....

from Shamen

Stay strong. Good luck on the searching for a new place in a big city!

Cheers! The move is some time away, but definitely something to look forward to & plan for.

[shamen]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

 

Thanks shamen. I'm not someone people would generally describe as "not having the guts" so surprising to me that initially it felt so difficult.

 

That's what I figured - hence the posting. Seems more than likely that I had already decided that something had to change & posting here was the catalyst to get that ball rolling. I was also in danger of romanticising it - being poetically tragic, digging a dipper hole, getting all gaunt & gothic & then dragging myself miraculously out of the depths, checking into a clinic, re-making the man.... quite pathetic really. And in the end wouldn't solve anything as it would have been just an exercise in killing time while avoiding the real issues.

 

I think you're right there - & it rather distorts ones feelings & perceptions, in some cases making things worse than they actually are, in others making you believe that you can overcome stuff all by myself, letting you point fingers of blame in all directions away from oneself....

 

Cheers! The move is some time away, but definitely something to look forward to & plan for.

 

Hey bluechocolate,

 

I swear sometimes saying it out loud can help regain control of it... I know what you mean about the romanticizing of it. I was punk rock girl living the life I was supposed to live. For me it was when my eye doctor asked if I did a lot of drugs. I asked him how could he possibility know that. He said because of the way my eyes looked. Scared the sh** out of me; I wasn't even high.

 

The distorting of feelings and perceptions is the main reason I decided not to do drugs at all anymore. I originally quit for my job, but when I could do them again, I decided that I really didn't want drugs screwing with my head anymore than I could do on my own, ya know?

 

Stay connected to your beau, keep talking to him. How are you doing? I hope that you've been able to stay away from the drug. You can't do it all alone... Post on how you're doing whenever you need to.

[bluechocolate]

Well a few days after my last post in this thread I "fell off the wagon". I was at a birthday party & had it thrust at me, next thing it was 5am (excuses, excuses...).

 

Thing is, I'm not exactly sure I got on the wagon to begin with. After the birthday party I went away, had my train journey through snow covered Eastern Europe (beat Bush in Bratislavia by one day - phew!) and the first post on this thread now seems like a dim & distant memory.

 

Now I'm kinda thinking, "What the hell was that about? I'm fine. I can 'just say no' with the best of 'em or use & not abuse when I feel like it."

 

Am I kidding myself? It sounds like I'm justifying the status quo.

 

btw- was an interesting journey, at various points involved attending mass, the police & a doctor. The doctor thing was interesting 'cause she indicated that I may have something wrong with my sinuses & had I been in the Czech Republic for longer she would run tests. I keep getting severe throat infections & swollen glands which manifest as extreme headache so I don't actually feel any pain in my throat & generally soldier on with the headaches (who's gonna call a doc about a headache?) until they get so bad that I'm forced to. This has been going on for months & months now which makes me believe that I've never actually gotten rid of the infection & this Czech doctor 'reckoned it could be that the problem is actually in my sinuses - which kinda makes sense.

 

blah, blah, blah........ now I'm battling with a stupid doctor here who was entirely dismissive of her suggestion & doesn't seem to think it at all unusual that someone should be suffering throat infections & severe headache for months on end! (this has been diagnosed 3 times in 5 months) and when I think back I've been living off of over-the-counter pain killers for ages now! Yikes - I sound like a right mess - at least I quit smoking.

 

If it is a sinus thing I wonder how longer after stopping all coke things would get better? I can't be specific about times & dates, it may be that the infections & the coke are now intrinsically linked.