Ex (dumper) wants me back - should I go for it?

[lissa8888]

Hi all,

 

I created this account because I really feel like I need advice on my current situation. I've read threads on here in the past and it seems that really thoughtful advice is given, so hopefully you guys can help me out.

 

So my ex-boyfriend and I dated for over a year and broke up about 3 months ago. Things were great in our relationship at first and I never had any doubt he wanted to be with me. Even when we started having arguments, I could tell that both of us really wanted to make the relationship work and were on the same page so to speak.

 

Well, everything changed when my ex's dad passed away. The day it happened, I was concerned and gave him a call, wanting to see if he was okay. He seemed distracted though and quickly got off the phone. Anyway, after it happened he pretty much completely pushed me away. Whereas before he would call me every day after work, he stopped doing that entirely, so that I was the one who had to call him. He also never wanted to hang out and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do so with me.

 

So long story short, my boyfriend who was once so attentive and crazy about me stopped acting like a boyfriend at all. He also started saying that he was too busy with school and work to have a girlfriend (basically hinting he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore). So eventually I told him if he didn't want to be with me anymore I wasn't going to hold him back. With that said, we broke up.

 

However, it should be noted that even when we did break up, he insisted he didn't think it would be forever. He told me that unless we found other people, that he thought we'd come back to each other in the future. He just needed time to get his life and issues sorted out before we did.

 

So the breakup was really hard on me and for about a month afterwards I was a complete wreck. Somewhere along the way though, I started to move on. I never stopped missing him and I never got over him rejecting me, but I did start to try to make changes in my life and stopped focusing on the pain so much. I assumed he wouldn't try to get back together with me, so I started living my life as though he wouldn't.

 

But then I got the surprise of my life. I texted him because I wanted to talk to get closure, but then he said he wanted to talk to me too. When I asked what about, he said that he had made a huge mistake and wished he hadn't pushed me away.

 

So anyway, we met up and he said he wanted to get back together. He said he hopes to one day get married to me and have children with me, and that he truly believes I'm the one he was meant to be with. When I asked him why he had let me go, he said that it was because he was worried I would die (since it seemed the people closest to him always did) and also because he was stressed about school. He also said that he knew he loved me, but didn't quite realize how much he loved me until I was gone.

 

Anyway, we ended up meeting again and had a pretty amazing time together. He also has been treating me wonderfully since he came back into my life, acting like the boyfriend he once was to me.

 

But I'm still not sure I should take him back. In my eyes, the fact that he let me go tells me he never really loved me in the first place. And I'm worried that if someone else dies in his life that he'll distance himself from me all over again. He did say he'd start therapy for me, but I still don't know if that will prevent the situation from repeating myself.

 

I'm just at such a loss for what to do right now. I still love my ex as much as I ever did, but I'm really scared of being hurt again. So advice would be very much appreciated. Sorry this post is so long!

[mangetout]

Live for the moment. Just take it as it comes but enjoy what you both have now

[FredJones80]

A death is going to impact massively on someone, usually people push the people closest away when something like this occurs. Men also like to be alone, whereas women like to talk...

 

Just food for thought.

[Bleulemon]

I think normally when you loses someone close, you lose a part of yourself as well and it'd be hard to pick yourself back up. I'm sure losing his father was tough on him and I think you did a great job of giving him space to grieve.

 

Just test the waters first, but definitely tell him how you felt. Your insecurities. Make sure he understands your concerns as it might get in the way in the future.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I have a hunch that this will work out just fine for both of you.

[Speakingofwhich]

The way he broke up with you was very kind; him letting you know he didn't think it would be forever and the two of you would reunite at some point.

 

You were wise to move on; however.

 

The way he came back to you was also very thoughtful; him admitting his mistake and now treating you very well.

 

Since you really care for him, in your place I'd give the relationship my best. To me with what you've written you both sound like great and thoughtful people.

 

It seems to me, also, you may regret it later on if you don't give it your best try now.

 

Wishing you both the best!

[Standard-Fare]

Some people here are probably going to advise you to let him go since he let you go.

 

But given the circumstances of his dad dying, and him going through what sounds like a severe (and understandable) depression, it seems to me that you should probably give him another shot.

 

I do understand that this may feel like a hard step backwards right now, after you've made progress in getting over him. It's definitely going to be difficult. I'd also warn you that he's certainly not "over" the death of his dad and that his feelings about that might resurface in your relationship for a long time to come.

 

You're at a make-or-break point of whether you guys can get "real" or not. The fun and casual phase is definitely over. If you think this guy is worth going through these complications and difficulties for, you should put your heart into it.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Standard-Fare

[lissa8888]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They're more optimistic than I expected, which actually makes me glad as I really don't think I'm ready to give up on the two of us yet. That said, I know I'll be taking a definite risk if I let him back into my life. My plan is to tread cautiously for the time being and not let my emotions get the best of me.

 

Right now my ex and I are on a week of NC (I told him I needed it to sort out my thoughts), but he's going to call me on Saturday and we'll see what happens then. I'll keep everyone posted as to how things go.

 

Reflecting back on our relationship, I realize that I may have done two things wrong in it. 1), I probably didn't give him enough space when he really needed it (tried to but I probably could've done better) and 2), I relied too much on my ex for my happiness, which really wasn't fair on him. Should I get into a relationship with him again, I'll definitely work on those things. But of course, it takes two to make a relationship work.

 

Once again, thanks for the advice everyone!