Not too sure what to make of the situation. Second chance?

[Lukaa]

Hey all, thanks for taking the time to give this a check, I would greatly appreciate any advice that could be given as with my state of mind I feel I could end chance I have at all.

 

This may sound corny or some people or they may feel pretty subjective on the matter, however it’s what I chose, and I’d like to seek advice regardless – first some background; I've known this girl for over two years now and the relationship is purely virtual, it was only just after one year of knowing each other that we chose to make our relationship known as a “couple” (July 2013) as a result of really beginning to bond. As most relationships in the earlier stages, it all seemed good to put it concisely; very supportive and loving of each other.

 

This relationship I’m surely like many had its complications, and so that you begin to understand the situation better I will continue to list them. We bonded mainly over gaming since it was an activity that we could do together as it’s difficult to find many things to do in this situation. Also in regards to communication, we were only able to use skype extensively; it was mainly only text chat with rare video/voice calls as her parents were very cautious when it came to others online and they didn't like the idea of her talking to people at all, and this is why I still to this day remain unknown to them as they will most definitely cut all communication if they knew. We were also in talks about trying to visit each other to see if we really wanted to be with each other and if we did we’d take further action from there; due to medical conditions that she has, I’d be the more likely one to visit.

 

Alas, due to being very restricted to pretty much only gaming to bond over and leaving a text chat to keep a relationship alive… it started to slow up and we spoke less as we struggled to make chat, and even though we still knew and both confirmed we both cared and had feelings for each other, we did the mature thing and decided to end the relationship after 6 months (Jan 2014), especially because in the event that we would want to live together (if the relationship went really far that is) then it is a considerable distance to move and as before, I’d be the one doing the moving and it’s a lot to take in and everything that I’d be leaving behind, family being the main concern, but also with my career aspects for where she lives also in mind, since due to her medical situation I may very well have to support the pair of us, so it’s a scary thought moving to an unknown place not knowing if it’s possible to obtain a job to sustain us being together.

 

I've digressed slightly… so after breaking up we decided it was best that we both distanced ourselves from each other online as we did do all the same things and we wanted to help things move on as feelings were still strong for one another. However, despite trying to distance ourselves, we still came into contact and this time tensions grew, as a result we didn’t speak and left a bad taste of each other in the others mind. This was both our first relationship which may be considered sad by some considering the circumstances… I didn't really know how to detach myself from her to move on because it was wrecking my life as I couldn't move on and all I did was think about her; it was really affecting my real life at this stage and I went into a depressed state. I’m unsure what it must be like for her but I would guess that she must feel something still if anything like me.

 

During this depressed, lonely (as I rarely spoke to others in real life) and frankly, confused state of mind I figured the best way to get her out of my mind was by trying to fill the void by finding someone else with similar interests but perhaps a lot closer to home to try make it work, it so happens there is yet another girl that I’ve met online but also knows the pervious one I was speaking of, this second girl lived in the same city as me and I’d had a crush on her way before I fell in-love with my long distance friend so I tried pursuing this and I came across as a friendly person not being pushy or intrusive at all, but merely trying to make small talk and maybe take it into real life for lunch to move things along (I’ve briefly met this girl in real life and she seemed to really enjoy my company). As both of the girls I have spoken about knew each other well despite the massive distance factor the second girl made the wise move and sensible move to slowly stop talking to me and then cutting all communication with me, I’m unsure as to why but guessing it was to be a good friend as the girl that is a long distance away perhaps must feel something for me so she didn't want to get involved with me? Regardless, even though I was distraught at failing a potential relationship yet again, I was happy after I collected myself and gave it some thought as it was a rash move now that I've had time to see what I did and knowing they were good friends it was very inconsiderate of me, I regret it but that doesn't go for much at this stage.

 

It’s now been well over 2 months since I have spoken with this girl that I've had the long distance relationship with online. I was holding up decently until recently and a lot of feelings and memories have flooded back and I’m in the same depressed, lonely state as before, I want to contact her again to tell her how I feel to see if anything will have been resolved with time passing and also if she still has any feelings remaining for me. The only thing I’m not sure is that since the incident with this second girl happened only a few weeks ago and I know the girl that is a long distance from me knows about this… should I still give it more time before sending what I suppose will be my (perhaps) final message to her? Personally I wanted to give it another month or two before trying since I know how that incident must have upset her, but I don’t know whether I can wait much longer as once again it is having quite the dramatic effect on my life again.

 

It’s quite the long message and thank you once again if you did take the time to read this, I just don’t want to do anything rash again and muck-up any potential of mending our friendship and then from there with time maybe our relationship.

 

Additional notes to gain more understanding of some of the previous content:

 

Long distance relationship girl – South England – 17

Me – South Scotland – 19

Girl 2 – South Scotland - 19

Edited April 29, 2014 by Lukaa

[xUnknown]

Read some of my threads, I was in a very similar position as you.

 

What you should do is cut contact (as you have been) with both of them. You don't need to send a final text to either of them You don't know for sure that the second girl contacted the long distance girl or not, but you seem pretty sure that she did. As you mentioned, running back to LDR girl would just piss her off because she knows you tried to rebound, and it failed.

 

This is why rebounds are no good. If it doesn't work out (which they rarely do), you're always left more hurt because you lost not one, but two girls.

 

You need to be happy being alone again. You're not, and your searching for happiness in these memories. If 6 months down the road you want to get in touch with LDR girl, go for it, but don't be surprised if you don't get a response. You have to prepare for the worst...and in this case, the worst is not getting a response.

 

Stay single and become happy being single. Don't be dependent on anyone but yourself for your happiness... I know from experience.

[Raena]

I agree with the previous poster, leave both girls alone and focus on other interests for awhile. The probably means you should stop gaming too for awhile.

 

You haven't really spent any face to face time with either girl other than the one time you met the second girl. It might be in your best interest to try and meet someone "IRL" rather than online. I do understand how feelings develop even though you haven't met face to face. I have many friends that I have made in mmorpg's and some of them I consider to be close friends even though we'll never meet in person. I get it, but it isn't in your best interest to pursue either girl at this point. Move on and find someone to get out of the house and do things with. You are young yet, don't tie yourself to a computer or gaming console. Get out and experience life!

[Jiivy]

I met my now ex-fiancée online. Although we started a LDR, we DID see each other a number of a times a year for around 5-6 years before finally moving in together. It lasted 7 years before it was over (she got bored, left me for another guy...)

 

The point is that it *was* a very beautiful, successful relationship that was made through an online connection. It can happen. Now I'm alone there's one thing I struggle with - how do I fill my life with happiness by myself? I started the relationship when I was 17. Now at 24 I'm missing something fundamental and that is the ability to be happy outside of a relationship.

 

I tell you this because it's a skill I wish I had developed. Now I'm passing the same advice to you and saying that firstly you need to be happy with who you are, what you want to do and who you want to eventually become. A relationship should complement you, not define you. Relationships are absolutely about selflessness and devotion, HOWEVER, if you find yourself caring more about the relationship than your own wellbeing to the extent that it makes you consider decisions that would otherwise very much go against your core values or ultimately leave you feeling personally unfulfilled...don't do it.

 

Make some time, really think hard and leave these girls alone for a while. You'll know when you're ready to decide.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Jiivy

[Lukaa]

Thank you all for your feedback, it's given me quite a bit to consider for the time being; although the general advice given here is tough to swallow, I realize it is by all means good solid advice that I will try my best to take on-board. After reading through the stories/experience of both "xUnknown" & "Jiivy" some great insight was obtained and thank you once again for this!

 

 

You need to be happy being alone again. You're not, and your searching for happiness in these memories. If 6 months down the road you want to get in touch with LDR girl, go for it, but don't be surprised if you don't get a response. You have to prepare for the worst...and in this case, the worst is not getting a response.

 

Stay single and become happy being single. Don't be dependent on anyone but yourself for your happiness... I know from experience.

 

That's the thing right there :/ I did manage to become happy being alone again as I was able to fill my time by keeping myself occupied with with my university work and I also took it upon myself to get fitter also (I found this really effective as it left me feeling positive afterwards and generally more confident IRL). However, the whole reason for me seeking advice in the first place was because this string of happiness was broken despite my determination to keep her out of my mind to hopefully let me move forward with life as a whole.

 

That said, as much as I would like for roughly 6 months to pass and then reevaluate how I feel, I'm not sure if I can hold out that long - I said to myself that I'd at least let my final exams go by before getting heavily involved in this (which is around 2-3 weeks from now); I'm in a state of mind right now that just wants to know how she feels about it all... and if it's a positive response then great I'll take it from there and try to build upon that. Whereas if the response is negative or none at all, then I'm prepared to accept that I will have no choice but to move on with life and what is done is done.

 

 

I agree with the previous poster, leave both girls alone and focus on other interests for awhile. The probably means you should stop gaming too for awhile.

 

I never quite addressed this part properly about the second girl and I'd like to clear up that although at one point I did have feelings for her, they were long ago and the recent attempt to forge something with her was a blind move on my part, where my emotions and feelings were scattered. I can happily say that I'm not emotionally attached to this girl like I am to LDR girl, nor do I have any intention of seeking friendship/relationship with this second girl (it must also be noted that I have been blocked by this girl on all platforms of communication), therefore taking her out of the equation as far as I can see.

 

As for stopping gaming that may prove difficult as I'm very computer orientated, this does not mean that I'm not trying to cut down on it however; as I said before university keeps me fairly busy and I tend to be working-out a load more, I'm making attempts to get together with old friends also to get out there and do something away from a screen. On-top of that, I've been gaming for so long now that it's beginning to grow old, so that helps cut it down. The only reason that it isn't cut entirely is because I still have what I consider to be some of my best friends there that I've met over the years.

 

I know some of the things I have spoken about here clash with some of the advice given, this already seems slightly stupid on my behalf as I'm partly going against what I've been asking for which is your genuine advice/experience. I will do my best to keep NC going for as long as I can, it most likely won't be a great number of months, maybe not even a month (as I gave myself that estimated 2-3week period as mentioned before in this message). At that, thank you once again for listening to me, and any further input about anything I've said is always welcome.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Lukaa

[xUnknown]

hereas if the response is negative or none at all, then I'm prepared to accept that I will have no choice but to move on with life and what is done is done.

 

Why not accept its a negative one now (since she hasn't contacted you, and as you mentioned - most likely knows about the other girl). Start your healing now...don't put it off for 2-3 more weeks. This is crunch time for finals! Don't let anything else distract you. When you've accepted that its over and moved on, you stand the best chance at reconnecting...because you've learned how to live your life and be dependent on yourself. You're more desirable because you aren't needy or clingy...you're independent.

 

I did the same thing, told myself I'd reach out in a few weeks. But I kept putting those weeks off another week, and another week...until I realized I put so much time, stress, effort, though, into something that is over. Its unhealthy for you. Especially during this time of finals. Go out with your friends, grab a beer, take a shot to moving on then buckle down and start studying.

[Lukaa]

To no surprise of my own despite the great advice, I caved, thus failing to keep up the NC and I ended up sending that message off.

 

It turned out better than expected than I first thought as I did get a reply; due to the extent to which she blocked me in various places, the chat took place in a public messaging area which wasn't the best considering how it ended.

 

Anyway, we ended up having a civil conversation and it ended up with her pretty much saying she most likely won't be seeing me again, to which I replied along the lines of how I understand and need to respect her decision, still stating my hope to one day chat again anyway despite what was just said.

 

Although it wasn't the ending I so hoped for, I'm still glad I messaged her as it let me release a lot of tension I'd built up. Due to our contact prior to this being rocky, this was more of a proper goodbye I suppose which helped me come to terms with it all.

 

I would however suggest if anyone got into this predicament of somehow only being able to communicate via a public channel of sorts - please try to avoid it, as for me it was not long until Girl 2 became aware of my intimate feelings on this place and decided to bombard the post with related memes with a strong sarcastic nature to them. Luckily I was able to let that bounce off after saying my final goodbye, pretty sure by the way LDR girl was responding to me that she might be too happy with that either so I guess that helped settle my mind as well.

 

Was a bit of an experience for me, but it was just what I needed to break out of that loop I got myself into, it's onward with life from here on out!

Edited May 5, 2014 by Lukaa

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