engravefeelthevoid Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I'm a 26 year old freshly-graduated medical intern, I'm also a health freak and a radio presenter, I work hard and give it all I got, I'm not the best doctor but that will come. My parents are very odd though hear me out, my father is a surgeon and he never motivates me, he only wants me to work hard and be good with my family (be a man by his definition) my mom is an OCD control freak, her way of interacting with me and my siblings is very provocative, she tries to control everything and force her opinions, even my dad dislikes her because she treats him like a little kid. every time a problem happens in the house, my parents nearly get divorced. lately a problem happened and my mum moved out, me and her fought, next day me and my dad fought because i overslept and didnt pick my siblings from school for once, I moved out and im staying with my girlfriend, she understands my situation. what do I do ? all I can think of is abandoning them when I get a good salary and become fully independent, they are forcing these negative feelings in me and I cant get over them. before you ask, I'm not getting a good salary yet, I still got too much to go in my career, radio doesnt pay well because its a weekly show. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Sounds like your parents dynamic is quite toxic. Have you talked with anyone about this ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author engravefeelthevoid Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes. People around me know how hard it is, everyone acknowledges my situation is out of balance. Link to post Share on other sites
MCGar Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 All I can say is 'disengage.' Your parents are who they are and they have had a long time to settle into the personality that have now. You won't be able to change them the only thing you can do is change yourself. First things first. Disengage your emotional reaction to them. With my parents growing up I was so involved emotionally in how their actions and words affected me personally. It took a WHILE to understand that they are just imperfect people that are just going to be unfair, biased, etc. It should bare no reflection on me personally. For example, Dad is angry you didn't wake up early and pick up kids. Don't get defensive. It takes two to fight. Acknowledge the parts that were your fault and either let him talk on until he tires himself out or tell him that you understand his position and then leave the discussion. Don't get pulled in to fighting. Mom uber-controlling? Don't get sucked into being offended that she treats you like a child. INSTEAD start viewing her as the child that is trying to direct your every move. Give her lip service, 'ok,' 'sure thing' 'I'll get on that' 'that's interesting'. And then continue on to do things that you believe should be done. This is a fine line because you do live in her house so consider the rules you need to follow to stay in the house. Parents find it really hard to change from parenting a minor to being parents to an adult if they are staying in the same house. They will fall into habit of bossing you around. So in the meantime, instead of looking for an apartment, try looking for a room to rent. Consider a different part time job (although I'm sure intern hours might limit your options) Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I'm a 26 year old freshly-graduated medical intern, I'm also a health freak and a radio presenter, I work hard and give it all I got, I'm not the best doctor but that will come. My parents are very odd though hear me out, my father is a surgeon and he never motivates me, he only wants me to work hard and be good with my family (be a man by his definition) my mom is an OCD control freak, her way of interacting with me and my siblings is very provocative, she tries to control everything and force her opinions, even my dad dislikes her because she treats him like a little kid. every time a problem happens in the house, my parents nearly get divorced. lately a problem happened and my mum moved out, me and her fought, next day me and my dad fought because i overslept and didnt pick my siblings from school for once, I moved out and im staying with my girlfriend, she understands my situation. what do I do ? all I can think of is abandoning them when I get a good salary and become fully independent, they are forcing these negative feelings in me and I cant get over them. before you ask, I'm not getting a good salary yet, I still got too much to go in my career, radio doesnt pay well because its a weekly show. Do you hate them or their expectations? Did your parents pay for your education? Is your father expecting more than you can do, or is he just expecting you to pursue being a doctor since that is the education you received and you want to be in radio? Is your mother controlling because she wants you to take care of yourself and tries to make you act in a responsible manner? Are they sharing information with you about their marriage or are you just overhearing it? Do you understand that people are fallible, even parents and show them some compassion when they are having issues? Have you considered getting a job in the medical field and becoming independent but respectful of your parents? Do you work other than a radio job that doesn't pay well? Are you interning as a medical doctor or right now or putting it off for your radio pursuits? Do you think it is ok to tell your family you will help with your siblings then flake on them causing disruption in the kids lives? Have you been handed everything in your life and are spoiled,thereby thinking the world revolves around you? Have your parents given you a home, emotional and financial support? Sometimes you need to ask yourself some questions and really think about them rather than react on an emotional level, Grumps 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author engravefeelthevoid Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 To grumpy: As for radio it is a weekly thing so it's not something I'm crazy after, they have provided me with a lot of things but the price is too high, regarding the kids it was a one day thing (I overslept) because of the whole problem (I was anxious and couldn't sleep). I'm trying to succeed in medicine but they are making it hard for me, I want to them acknowledge the fact that I'm a grown up and that they should let me be in control of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 In order to be treated like a grownup by your parents, you have to act like one. Get a job, get your own place, be responsible and stop letting your world revolve around their moods or opinions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 what do I do ? all I can think of is abandoning them when I get a good salary and become fully independent, they are forcing these negative feelings in me and I cant get over them. Perhaps take a different perspective on becoming truly independent. Do it because it is natural at your age, and necessary for becoming an adult. I don't know how you define "good salary" and you might not be able to afford the home or apartment you'd like or are accustomed to right now, but living on your own and having to manage a household, bills, a budget, cooking and cleaning for yourself will do more to make you feel free and strong than you can imagine. And it will take your attention away from your parents and onto the requirements of living independently. If your girlfriend is living on her own, learn from her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author engravefeelthevoid Posted May 2, 2014 Author Share Posted May 2, 2014 If your girlfriend is living on her own, learn from her. I Love You 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 if and I do say if, you feel bad because of the impact they have, look, you are now an adult too, like they are, so just move off from them, so... no need to jump to attention when they ring, just call them when you have time, they are abusing you emotionally not a good doctor yet, you write, you're fine, you passed exams, put downs are hard to handle, you might feel avoiding them is odd because you are still wired to see yourself thru their eyes, but an adult putting another adult down is what I see I think they have issues of their own, but they will never admit to them, so out come insult/s aimed at you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 I think at 26 years old you should be out of your parents home and on your own. Good that you and your gf are living together. If the radio program doesn't pay enough get another job. It is natural that when you live under anothers roof and they are feeding you that you have to follow their rules. Now that you are grown, pay your own bills and follow your own rules. Link to post Share on other sites
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