boy...friend...boy...

[Shelly-Ann]

Here's my problem, though I'm sure you've heard this one before.

 

K, one of my guy friends (who I used to sort of see for a while) is now telling me he has feelings for me again. He says he doesn't like being stuck in "friendship mode." I thought things were going fine between us just as friends but apparently not. I like hanging out with him, we go clubing and to movies or whatever. We get along well.

 

But I know that we'll never be an item. He's way too unreliable and is not responsible at all. He's always ditching me at the last minute, or he's late or something along that line. How could I ever go out with a guy like that??

 

When he told me that he can't just be friends with me, I relunctantly told him that I guess our friendship will have to end.

 

Towards the end of the conversation we were talking like we always do, as if nothing had changed between us; so I'm confused if anything has changed. We've had this sort of talk before and I thought I made myself clear...I guess he just can't feeling the way he does. (I can relate)

 

I know his friends keep encouraging him to try to get with me cause they see us as a cute couple. I wish they would all just shut up cause it's not helping.

 

My dilemma: I like to hang out with him; he's one of my close friends but he wants more. What do I do? Maybe I should get a male friend to pretend that we like eachother and that will give him the hint that I'm not available anymore? That would be mean though. HELP!

[Tony T]

There's not really much you can do in a situation like this. It just takes a lot of time to work itself out. When you find a special guy for yourself, that will go a little way, when you get married, that will be even better. When you have two or three kids, you can pretty well count on this dude getting the message.

 

Meanwhile, be nice to him, do things with him if you want, but don't encourage him in any way...and try to get him out to meet other ladies.

[Shelly-Ann]

Tony, I do try to hint at him to see other people, but MY GOD, he works in a BAR on CAMPUS! Where else would there be any more women than that? HAHA! He invited me to a social this weekend where all his friends will be so we won't be umm, like, alone. I said I'd go. We'll see what happens. I'll let you know. Man, you're just like a friend or...something. Strange. BYE!

[Tony T]

OK, but I wouldn't agree to go places with him everytime he asks. You absolutely MUST understand he's wanting more from you than just friendship. You have to understand that you could tell him a million times that you are not interested in him in any way except as a platonic friend...but he will still hold out hope.

 

I am telling you from experience as a guy who has been exactly where he is right now. The only way you can handle guys like this is to get married and have three kids...that's the only thing that get's them off your back. That's what it took for me...ok, I'm a slow learner.

 

You might just tell him if he doesn't back off and start being a true friend, he will eventually become an annoyance and a nuisance to you.

 

A true male friend is one who goes out with you and has fun without the hope of one day having you as his sweet petootie.

 

I really don't think he fully understands how uncomfortable this situation can eventually become for you.

[No more games]

Shelly be an adult & unselfish for once in your life & stop seeing this guy for a while untill this guy gets you out of his mind enought to move foward..

 

I believ you keep seeing him ecause its flatering to know this guy still wants you!

 

My girlfriend has being doing this ( holding on to a dead relationship ) for two years now & her ex wont move on?

 

If you are real friends you will catch up again when the time is right but if you dont then it was what it was!

 

Otherwise go on a frustraiting situation going, really who are you doing a favour.

 

Not him he could be hanging out with somebody who finds him attractive, & you could have freindship with somebody whose not trying to jump your bones...

OK, but I wouldn't agree to go places with him everytime he asks. You absolutely MUST understand he's wanting more from you than just friendship. You have to understand that you could tell him a million times that you are not interested in him in any way except as a platonic friend...but he will still hold out hope. I am telling you from experience as a guy who has been exactly where he is right now. The only way you can handle guys like this is to get married and have three kids...that's the only thing that get's them off your back. That's what it took for me...ok, I'm a slow learner. You might just tell him if he doesn't back off and start being a true friend, he will eventually become an annoyance and a nuisance to you. A true male friend is one who goes out with you and has fun without the hope of one day having you as his sweet petootie. I really don't think he fully understands how uncomfortable this situation can eventually become for you.

[Java]

Hey, I'm having a relly bad day, so please bear with me. I used to be really close to one of my friends. She and I were what you called "best friends." We did everything together, confided in eachother and she was there for me in a low time in my life. So, I've known her now for about three years, at least I thought I knew her.

 

Quite suddenly, she stopped all forms of communication with me. I was pondering the situation, trying to figure out if I had done something to offend her. I could not figure it out. All that I could see as a possible problem was that her cousin had discouraged her to hang out with me. You see, when we would go out clubbing or whatever, her cousin (our age) would also come along. We all got along well, or so I thought. So, it's been about three months since we've actually had a conversation and it really hurts.

 

Today, I found out from a guy friend of ours that she told him I was a "self-centered, attention seeking, idiot." Real nice, eh? The reason she apparently thought this was due to the fact that I woulnd't go out with him. She thought I was leading him on and only doing it for the attention.

 

Never had she expressed these thoughts to me before and I was shocked. I was mad because my relationships with guys has little to nothing to do with OUR relationship. Anyway, I'm lead to beleive that her cousin may have had an influence on her-you know how women are, three's always a crowd. So, I guess you never really know who you're friends are.

 

What makes me the most upset is the fact that I pride myself on being a good friend. I'm there to listen, I don't pass jugdement on them and they know I'd drop anything for them-I even tell them this. Never have I been told before that I am self-centered or that I crave attention, and I can honeslty say that I don't. I'm a quiet person and I'd rather observe than be observed.

 

As far as my relationship with my guy friend, I don't see how this was any of her buisness. I've had many a long conversation with him about us to try and work something out so he wouldn't get hurt. She was not a close friend of his at all! He apparently stood up for me when she was making these accusations, and they ended up arguing over "what kind of person I am." Why not just ask me?

 

So, all in all, I found this a lame excuse to be mad at me. Everything happened so suddenly and she really hurt my feelings. Her cousin and her do everything together now and when I see them at the bar occasionally, her cousin says a casual "hi, how are you...I havn't seen you in SUCH a long time!." Give me a break.

 

I guess I just wanted to vent. Why do girls have to knock eachother down so bad? We become our own woarse ennemies in the long run. You never really know who your friends are, even when they seem to be your best friends.

[Curious in Concert]

Alright, when thinking upon this situation, and I don't know if your going to end up reading this thing or not, but I have my own opinions on this. I'm a guy, so I know a little bit about how guys think when in situations like this. And, i've been on the end of the stick in which i was seeing someone who had feelings for another person. What needs to happen is this guy needs to find someone else, someone that he is more interested in than you. Not much you can do about that except try to get him to be around other women. Also, on your part, just telling him that you don't want to have anything more than friendship won't work. Its not going to stop him from wanting to be with you, because those are feelings that he has inside of him, not rational thouhhts that he has processed. So, try and find someone else. I mean, he may think that its mean for you to be going out with or seeing some other guy because he likes you, but he'll get the message that you don't feel that way about him. I wouldn't try to get him to no longer be friends with you, because if he can get past the deeper feelings that he thinks he has for you, then he can be a very good friend. I have plenty of girls that are friends, that I just give advice to, and be there when a friend should, because i don't view them that way, and i've often been told that I'm an invaluable help, so if you can just try and get him to acknolwede that you wdon't want to be anything more than just standard friends. Thats about all you can do that will help convince him that your npot inerested in doing that sort of thing with him.