Recurring hook-up follow up

[fonoma]

I've been here before about a guy I'd had two drunken encounters before (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/469057-does-he-like-me-he-taking-advantage-situation) but I write novels so I appologize for even digging that back up.

 

Basically we know each other through our social group. A little over a month ago was the first time we were out together. I had my first blackout drunk experience and remember him pursuing me and chatting with me and then making out with me when we were at my office at a party my coworkers were having. He spent the night on my couch because he said he got lost while walking to his car and then we had breakfast in the morning at a restaurant and got to know each other some more. I didn't really see or hear from him for two weeks, he just liked pictures I was tagged in and some other things on FB.

 

Two weeks later we wind up at another social drinking event. We chat and bar hop for hours and by the end of the night were making out. I was relatively drunk but nowhere near incapacitated like before. We went back to my place and made out heatedly some more for maybe another hour. Clothes came off and I wanted more but he didn't go for it. We cuddled and made out more in the morning. He asked me to scratch/massage his back which struck me as more intimate (emotionally) than I knew how to feel about. After a while of laying there he said he had to beat traffic and let his dog back in and feed her. He texted me a day later asking how my Monday went and we had a light back and forth about a dream he described to me but the conversation was over pretty fast.

 

A week later I got the feeling he was a little cold and sort of ignoring me in another group setting. The following Monday I tried chatting with him on FB but it stayed light and silly with no substance and I decided to just keep it that way as I felt he just wanted our interaction to stay that way unless we were one on one. Two weeks later and it's last Sunday where we bump into each other at another happy hour.

 

I had no intent of repeating anything from before and focused on talking to another guy I've been starting to build a slight connection with but the guy ended up leaving pretty early and we changed locations. He began talking to me more and getting my attention and directing conversation at me even though we were in a group. At this point I stopped being aware of any choices I made as I somehow again gradually blacked out, completely unaware of what was happening. He bought me another drink, but I think I was still very composed by then and maybe he didn't realize I should've stopped. He drove me home and we made out again and this time I do remember being surprised that he was pulling clothes off of me, but I just went with it. I was ushered or moved on my own to my bed and he actually left to go take his contacts out... and came back and returned to what we were doing. This time we did have sex, but I'm pretty sure I fell asleep not long after as I'd had a long weekend and little sleep (probably why I was hit so hard by alcohol too.)

 

In the morning he got up at 5:30, and was looking at me for a while, and asked if he could take me to my car because he wanted to go home and let his dog in again (why he didn't have a dog to worry about that first time we had breakfast I can't explain, though that was a Saturday and the last two times were Sunday nights and we both work.) We both typically wake up around that time on normal days so it's not too early, but for an occassion like that I think it definitely was. He seemed a bit more colder this time and so I just assume this is quickly becoming a do it and drop it thing. He texted me later in the evening asking if I was enjoying the leftovers I didn't bother eating the night before (don't even remember ordering food) and when I responded a bit later as I was out with friends we had 2 back and forth jokes and that was it.

 

For the record, I'm very aware I need to stop putting myself in these situations, so no need to mention I need to drink less as I am aware. I am not sure what I'm looking for and I did start getting emotional about this guy in the beginning but after not talking to him for so long and the way he left that last morning I'd be ok just being friends with him (no more hookups beyond making out) or maybe FWB, but I doubt I'm the kind of person to keep this up. I'm emotionally and sexually retarded and a bit behind my peers–I'm 23, this guy is 35, and my first and only relationship of 6 months ended 4 months ago (I didn't want a LTR, or at least not with him) so there's that too. I want to open up direct communication and figure out what the hell I'm doing and what the he wants out of this but am afraid of how to approach it. I was debating asking if he wanted to meet up for drinks or lunch or something but we're both busy during the week and sometimes weekends don't work or we already have plans. I'm trying to mature as a person and be an adult about this, but considering his age and experienced (he's divorced) I'm really surprised he hasn't tried be more mature and direct with me as well considering this has now become more of a habit than a one-night stand. He hasn't shown interest in moving this out of the casual recurring hook-up, but then again, neither have I. I also can't tell if his motives are a bit shady as I was under the impression most (decent) guys wouldn't pursue and attempt to sleep with girls who were massively intoxicated while he was considerably less so.

Edited April 30, 2014 by fonoma

[The Like Fairy]

Are you sure he isn't slipping something into your drink to cause these blackouts?

 

Barring that, he just wants sex. If he wanted more you would know it. Men pursue what they want and how they want it. He's too old for you anyway.

 

Move on, figure yourself out, and stop the casual sex with folks from bars. Work on developing boundaries for yourself, increasing your sense of self esteem and self worth, and slowly getting to know someone over time without sex.

 

Fast hook ups lead to fast break ups/one night stands (mostly). If you want a long term relationship, you need to get to know the person over time, and not hang/socialize in a bar setting (I hate bars, and they are havens for alcoholics).

 

Most guys, who just want sex and not a long term relationship, will drop you after 3 -5 dates / a month's time, if you aren't having sex. Therefore, get to know someone over time and several dates, without sex, and get to know them, ask if they are looking for something casual or a long term relationship. Also, read all you can around here (and elsewhere) to learn more about dating and relationships. Good luck!