About relationship "boundaries" - maybe they don't work

[Medium.Lumo]

So ever since I joined this site there have been people answering my posts with rhetoric about relationship boundaries. How women need boundaries and if you don't set up those boundaries the relationship will fail because the woman won't respect you.

 

It has actually been bugging me for a while now and last night it dawned on me. My oldest brother is a big boundary setter. Guess where it ended up? In a nasty divorce.

 

They had issues from the start because she has a fiery personality but my brother is the furthest from a pushover that you could imagine. She called him names and he even kicked her out a few times but they always ended up back together.

 

Eventually he had enough and kicked her out 8 years ago and refused to let her back in. But then she revealed she was pregnant. It turned out she had lied about birth control and had stopped taking it after one of their arguments.

 

So they lived together for another 6 years and then had a major argument. They ended up sleeping in different bedrooms for a long time. Then one day he decided to talk to her to try to get their marriage back on track. But when he tried to open her door it was locked. The next day he filed for divorce.

 

But he still sets his boundaries. He's still setting his boundaries.

 

So proponents of boundaries... do they really work?

[GemmaUK]

Setting boundaries doesn't mean a relationship will be perfect and never fail.

 

What are the boundaries your brother set?

[Medium.Lumo]

Setting boundaries doesn't mean a relationship will be perfect and never fail.

 

What are the boundaries your brother set?

 

He didn't compromise like I do with my girlfriend. If his wife told him off about something he would tell to get lost.

 

I guess it's a slightly different situation because his wife picked fights and my girlfriend doesn't, but when we do have the odd argument I listen to her and try to accommodate her. Which according to everyone here is wrong because I haven't set boundaries.

 

My brother just doesn't take nonsense from anyone. He sets his boundaries. But it seems I'm doing better than him love wise, since he is divorced and single.

[Million.to.1]

I think you may have misunderstood what people meant by boundaries.

 

It's not telling your SO to "get lost" when they bring up an issue.

[beach]

Boundaries are great - one needs to decide what a healthy boundary looks like for himself/herself - then stick to that guideline.

[Arieswoman]

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/

 

 

 

Tips on Setting Boundaries in Enmeshed Relationships | Psych Central

Edited April 30, 2014 by Arieswoman

[eye of the storm]

You can set boundaries where things are my way or the high way, or you could set boundaries where here are a list of things that are unacceptable to me and on everything else take as a case by case basis and compromise so you are both satisfied.

 

Having too many boundaries is just as bad as having none. It is a case of everything is either my way or your way. A relationship should be about the unit, the partnership, the team. It cannot maintain if either party is always on the losing end.

 

A relationship needs 2 people with good healthy boundaries and a desire to nurture the relationship by keeping the other persons boundaries in mind. Boundaries also need to be discussed early so the other person is aware and can decide if your boundaries are a deal breaker for them. Open communication is key.

[gaius]

Have to hit the 6 year mark before you can claim you're doing it better than he is.

[Smilecharmer]

Have to hit the 6 year mark before you can claim you're doing it better than he is.

 

Hey, don't use logic, gaius, it confuses people.

[veggirl]

You don't understand what boundaries are. It's not about controlling or changing someone, it's about being true to yourself and what works for you and not settling for less. They don't necessarily need to be specific like "I won't date a girl who trashes my stuff", that would fall under a general boundary of "I won't date a girl who doesn't respect me". So how do you show this boundary? The FIRST TIME you are disrespected, you react appropriately, you explain and show your disgust with the behavior, you don't "rug-sweep" it and laugh about how cute the girl is. The way you react, like a spineless pleaser, just shows people (your gf) that they can get away with whatever they want with you and you'll accept it.

 

your brother and his ex sound like they had issues up the wazoo. He is not a good example.

 

I wonder if you've ever seen a real life example of a healthy relationship. Do you think you have?

[Medium.Lumo]

Maybe I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. I'll be the first to admit the relationships in my family have not been healthy.

 

I was born late in my parents' lives, an oopsie basically. My dad was a workaholic and away on business for most of my life until he retired. But even now he hasn't fully retired and owns parts of my brother's businesses. Him and my mom don't really get along. No major fights but they irritate each other. She says he is good with numbers but nothe common sense, thinks like a computer, cares too much about money etc.

 

I was basically raised by my oldest brother which is why it's so important to me what he thinks of my girlfriend.

 

My brothers both had terrible marriages. My middle brother basically lives in another house he bought just to get away from his wife.

 

But just because I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like from direct experience doesn't mean I don't get the concept or can't make it happen for myself.

 

You don't understand what boundaries are. It's not about controlling or changing someone, it's about being true to yourself and what works for you and not settling for less. They don't necessarily need to be specific like "I won't date a girl who trashes my stuff", that would fall under a general boundary of "I won't date a girl who doesn't respect me". So how do you show this boundary? The FIRST TIME you are disrespected, you react appropriately, you explain and show your disgust with the behavior, you don't "rug-sweep" it and laugh about how cute the girl is. The way you react, like a spineless pleaser, just shows people (your gf) that they can get away with whatever they want with you and you'll accept it.

 

your brother and his ex sound like they had issues up the wazoo. He is not a good example.

 

I wonder if you've ever seen a real life example of a healthy relationship. Do you think you have?

[Els]

She called him names and he even kicked her out a few times but they always ended up back together.

 

This isn't boundary-setting. It's just called having a temper.

 

Seriously, OP, it's your life. If you want to live it as a doormat, it's really your call. There is no need to defend your choices.

[Emilia]

They had issues from the start because she has a fiery personality but my brother is the furthest from a pushover that you could imagine. She called him names and he even kicked her out a few times but they always ended up back together.

 

Eventually he had enough and kicked her out 8 years ago and refused to let her back in. But then she revealed she was pregnant. It turned out she had lied about birth control and had stopped taking it after one of their arguments.

 

So they lived together for another 6 years and then had a major argument. They ended up sleeping in different bedrooms for a long time. Then one day he decided to talk to her to try to get their marriage back on track. But when he tried to open her door it was locked. The next day he filed for divorce.

 

But he still sets his boundaries. He's still setting his boundaries.

 

So proponents of boundaries... do they really work?

Your brother didn't set his boundaries.

 

If he had done so, he would have broken up with her when it became clear that they weren't compatible. He wouldn't have got involved in an on/off relationship with her and certainly wouldn't have married her.

 

Setting boundaries means you establish what is acceptable to you and what is a dealbreaker. You then follow up by sticking to them rather than just taking back the person if you broke up. Setting boundaries isn't about controlling or arguing or playing power games, it is about establishing what you can and can't do in a relationship and walking away if necessary. Rather than get married anyway and then end up in a nasty divorce.

 

It sounds like you don't have healthy relationship examples in the family. Maybe your parents are divorced or have a dysfunctional relationship, etc.

[Emilia]

I was born late in my parents' lives, an oopsie basically. My dad was a workaholic and away on business for most of my life until he retired. But even now he hasn't fully retired and owns parts of my brother's businesses. Him and my mom don't really get along. No major fights but they irritate each other. She says he is good with numbers but nothe common sense, thinks like a computer, cares too much about money etc.

Oh ok here is the answer.

 

But just because I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like from direct experience doesn't mean I don't get the concept or can't make it happen for myself.

It does mean that unfortunately. You basically have no idea how to do it.

[Medium.Lumo]

This isn't boundary-setting. It's just called having a temper.

 

Seriously, OP, it's your life. If you want to live it as a doormat, it's really your call. There is no need to defend your choices.

 

You have a point. I don't want to live like a doormat. Who would want that?

 

All I'm saying is that there is no black and white here... what I am doing may not be the best thing but it's better than what a lot of couples do.

[2sunny]

Then make a list.

 

What would a healthy relationship look like for you?

 

What would a your deal breaker list look like for you?

 

 

Your list determines what you will tolerate and what you won't.

 

 

Don't make the list based on others lives and don't compare to other people. The list is a guideline for YOU to be happy and healthy and to feel safe within the relationship.

[central]

Boundaries are good, but ONLY if both parties willingly agree on what they are, and both parties honor them and understand the consequences of failure to do so.

 

Unilaterally set boundaries can be useless, except as triggers for the setter to leave if they aren't honored. Unilateral boundaries can be unreasonable and even abusive (of course not always), and the person upon whom they are imposed may have no commitment or real motivation to honor them, only to circumvent them if they wish.

[iiiii]

Set boundaries about the really important things.

 

Let the little things slide.

[Medium.Lumo]

Oh ok here is the answer.

 

 

It does mean that unfortunately. You basically have no idea how to do it.

 

Maybe.

 

But that won't stop me from trying. I don't believe that people can't improve themselves, and people with flaws can't overcome them. For example, I had no relationship experience and was getting bad advice from friends. So I logged on to this site.

 

I am hoping that when we get married and have children (or if not when I eventually do find Miss Right) our children will have better childhoods than I had for example.

[Emilia]

Maybe.

 

But that won't stop me from trying. I don't believe that people can't improve themselves, and people with flaws can't overcome them. For example, I had no relationship experience and was getting bad advice from friends. So I logged on to this site.

Of course people can improve themselves. It takes a while though and you want to have to do it. Listen to advice and understand what people are saying, not dismiss it with 'yes but she is so hot and I'll never get anyone this hot ever'. With that attitude, you won't improve, no.

I am hoping that when we get married and have children (or if not when I eventually do find Miss Right) our children will have better childhoods than I had for example.

I'm sure you will.

[Medium.Lumo]

It's also worth pointing out that a lot of the threads on LS are about sexual issues. My brother's wife also withheld from him.

 

Even though my girlfriend can be sexually selfish she doesn't withhold. That is already a huge plus. I know it doesn't excuse her selfish behaviour but let's be honest. It's a huge sign of future compatibility.

 

My brother and his wife had major sexual incompatibility issues and it seems that is a common problem. I almost feel I have the opposite problem at times... For a guy that's great!

[Emilia]

It's also worth pointing out that a lot of the threads on LS are about sexual issues. My brother's wife also withheld from him.

 

Even though my girlfriend can be sexually selfish she doesn't withhold. That is already a huge plus. I know it doesn't excuse her selfish behaviour but let's be honest. It's a huge sign of future compatibility.

 

My brother and his wife had major sexual incompatibility issues and it seems that is a common problem. I almost feel I have the opposite problem at times... For a guy that's great!

You have not been together with your 'girlfriend' long enough to draw any kind of conclusion. What you have is less than a month old. Most people wouldn't even consider it a relationship let alone compare it to a marriage.

 

Sex is usually great for the first 6 months - 2 years, you tend to hit issues (if you have similar libidos) after that.

[ThaWholigan]

Your lack of boundaries stems from your fear of loss IMO. You fear losing her because she's hot and took an interest in you, possibly you don't think that will happen so easily next time. Am I on the money?

[Medium.Lumo]

Your lack of boundaries stems from your fear of loss IMO. You fear losing her because she's hot and took an interest in you, possibly you don't think that will happen so easily next time. Am I on the money?

 

Pretty close.

[clia]

It's also worth pointing out that a lot of the threads on LS are about sexual issues. My brother's wife also withheld from him.

 

Even though my girlfriend can be sexually selfish she doesn't withhold. That is already a huge plus. I know it doesn't excuse her selfish behaviour but let's be honest. It's a huge sign of future compatibility.

 

My brother and his wife had major sexual incompatibility issues and it seems that is a common problem. I almost feel I have the opposite problem at times... For a guy that's great!

 

To be fair...you've only been dating her for 5-6 weeks. You are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I think that is what is concerning to most people. You are young and inexperienced, and you have already had a lot of problems with her behavior during the time when things should basically be perfect. To most people who have had healthy relationships, this is not a good sign for future behavior. If she is already treating you so horribly...watch out. I personally don't think it's great that she seems to have so little respect for your feelings. I personally don't think it's great that you are so bamboozled by a few sweet text messages and her good looks.

 

She's like a freight train barreling through your relationship. I mean, consider -- she's already moved in with you, drives your car, has messed up your house and car, demands oral sex from you 3-4 times a day, including when she is menstruating, demanded that you stop being friends with one of your friends, threw a tantrum when you asked her to dress appropriately for dinner with your family, and I don't remember what else.

 

Compromise is great -- as long as both of you are doing it. Other than agreeing to wear normal clothes to dinner (duh), has she compromised on anything? Does she clean up after herself now? Does she keep your car clean when she borrows it? Does she contribute to household expenses? Does she understand if you aren't in the mood to give her oral sex for the fifth time that day? Or is it all on you do to what makes her happy?

 

Boundaries are the line where you are unhappy, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, bothered, etc. Sometimes we let our loved ones cross our boundaries in the name of compromise or sacrifice. That's fine. But when you are continually allowing a person to cross your boundaries, your boundaries become meaningless. By allowing her to do that, you tell he that your boundaries don't matter -- and they do matter. It's not even necessarily all about her respecting you as much as it is her taking advantage of you. Don't you feel taken advantage of?