About relationship "boundaries" - maybe they don't work

[ThaWholigan]

Pretty close.

So deal with that first and then you'll find it easier to erect the right boundaries for your relationships and make the right compromises that don't infringe upon you.

 

This girl will push her luck more and more over time and something has to give - either she will get bored, or you will get sick of her. Or maybe things will even out and you'll settle into a nice rhythm - but I wouldn't bet on that personally!

[Emilia]

Or maybe things will even out and you'll settle into a nice rhythm

I have seen this happen but only between equally assertive people. Not where one person is demanding and the other one gives in constantly.

[Medium.Lumo]

But where is the line between being a pushover and respecting women ?

 

So deal with that first and then you'll find it easier to erect the right boundaries for your relationships and make the right compromises that don't infringe upon you.

 

This girl will push her luck more and more over time and something has to give - either she will get bored, or you will get sick of her. Or maybe things will even out and you'll settle into a nice rhythm - but I wouldn't bet on that personally!

[Emilia]

But where is the line between being a pushover and respecting women ?

It's not about them, it's about you. When something you are not happy about you stand up for yourself. That doesn't mean you start shouting and arguing like your brother and throw your girlfriend out. Merely that you explain what she is asking of you is not acceptable.

 

Examples are: asking her to keep your car tidy when she borrows it or politely saying no to sex when you don't want it. You respectfully explain why something isn't right for you.

 

Now, because of the kind of environment you grew up in and the way that influences you unfortunately, it's likely that you picked a woman that will just fight each time you set your boundaries. This is the part where you learn how important mate selection is and how you can't just make work something with any girl.

[dichotomy]

Absolutely they work - if you understand what they are and how they work.

 

One of the best books I was ever told to read early in my marriage when a bad thing happened .....was "Boundaries in Marriage". It was an amazing book for me - sometimes boundaries are all about freeing you and not controlling your partner.

 

Amazon.com: Henry Cloud: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

[Woggle]

A man with boundaries would never be with such a woman in the first place. I have no room in my life for women who start drama for the sake of it.

[Medium.Lumo]

A man with boundaries would never be with such a woman in the first place. I have no room in my life for women who start drama for the sake of it.

 

Ok... but how would you know she had these issues before being with her?

[RonaldS]

I had to learn about setting boundaries the hard way: through divorce.

 

I was only 24 when my wife and I started dating, and even though I had gone out with tons of girls, I wasn't a relationship guy. When I finally got into a relationship, I worked as hard as I could to have everything work out and go smoothly. Stupidly, I believed the old axiom from men who were stuck for life in sh*tty marriages, 'It's better to be happy than right', so I did not stand up for myself when my rights were trampled.

 

Sadly, I often ended up apologizing to my XW when she would flip out and act like a psychopath.

 

I never established boundaries for what I would put up with, how I felt I should be treated, and what was fair. Conversely, my XW was all about making her boundaries known non-stop. And some of the were just ridiculous.

 

At the end if the day, I was miserable in the relationship. I had no voice in it, it was completely one-sided, and if the one side didn't get her way, there was hell to pay. By then, it was too late for me to establish boundaries. When I tried, they were rejected. And then it just sort of got past the point of no return.

 

Now, I have a very clear idea of what my boundaries are, so if I go out with a woman and I see proclivities for ignoring or dismissing those boundaries, I'm out. At the same time, I'm much more aware of a woman's boundaries, so I'm likely to not cross them, and if I do, I recognize it quickly and take responsibility for it.